Boldomatic

laundry today
or
naked tomorrow

My internet was down for 5 minutes so I went downstairs and spoke to my family.

They seem like nice people.

I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT

life is what happens when you put your phone down.

Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate.

There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying,

"I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."

You look like something
I draw with my left hand.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said; "no, we all seem to enjoy it"

The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.

i just burnt my tongue on some food

they say the ones you love hurt you the most

I love waving at random people, because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.

With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

Voices in your head - normal

Listening to them - common

Arguing with them - acceptable

Losing the argument - BIG PROBLEM

LISTEN TO SILENCE

Sun goes down earlier for short people.

i've
fallen
in love
with you,

but you
don't exist.

You are only as good as the drinks you mix, the tables you dance on and the friends you roll with.

bad decisions make good stories

Negative people need drama like oxygen. Stay positive and you'll take their breath away.

justice is
a beautiful concept.
unicorns too.

I'm sick about all the Irish stereotypes!
As soon as I finish this drink, I'm punching someone.

Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iPhone, open and close their favorite apps all by themselves.

When I was that age,
I was eating dirt.

I love making people who don't like me hate me more by just being me.

Ladies, lets take extra long to look stunning for all the guys we'll be ignoring tonight.

I like the nights.

Some of my best days were nights.

I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty

and I could not have described it any better

And maybe at night when we're all a little too tired and a little too truthful, that's when we see ourselves for who we really are.

in Denmark, we're so rich

we pay with crowns

If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

optimists claim that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.

pessimists are scared that might be true.

Whenever I delete an app on my phone,
the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed •

Telling a girl to "calm down" is like trying to baptize a cat.

EVERYONE'S IRISH ON MARCH 17th

finally friday.

others have sex in the kitchen, I eat in bed

They should ask us who we are instead of what we want to be.

Try to be less of a fucking piece of shit than you were yesterday.

- Buddha

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

I like to be alone.
But I would rather be alone with you.

Quiet people have the loudest minds.

ride bold.
or dont ride at all...

Home sweet mess.

If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself

don't give up on your dreams.

keep sleeping.

LET'S DO SOME "WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS" THINGS.

I just awesomed all over the place.

I live for the nights that I can't remember with the people I won't forget.

You remind me of my big toe, cause i'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own

10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion.

90% are due to wrong tone of voice.

THIS "NORMAL" YOU SPEAK OF DOESN'T SOUND FUN AT ALL.

that awkward moment when I'm drunk
and you're still ugly

My immaturity keeps me young.

Ego is a race.
And in this race, the winner is the loser.

I wish I had boobs so people would stop making eye contact with me.

Yes mom I know my room is a mess it's a metaphor for my life, i'm trying to be poetic.

It's better to be late, than to arrive ugly.

404: Life not found

IT IS NOT
MONDAY' S
FAULT!

Your ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.

If fantasy was realistic -
reality would be fantastic.

I'm in competition
with no one..
have no desire
to play the game of being better than anyone..
just simply trying to be better than the person I was yesterday •

Here's a tissue, you have a little bullshit on your lip.

Everyone's curious

But no one really cares.

BEAUTIFUL THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM

THE NEGATIVE SHIT

Let's go camping.

In a hotel.
With a pool. And a spa.

A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear.

Unless it's 3am.

And you're home alone.

And you don't have a baby.

Ironically, the fight between the mind and the heart always ends up hurting the liver.

Break rules, not hearts.

I just took a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.

STRESSED

spelled
backward
is

DESSERTS

I tripped and fell in love.

Don't worry, I brushed that shit off.

A lot of people cry when they cut onions, the trick is not to form an emotional bond.

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis!

The trouble with jogging is, by the time you realize you're not fit for it, it's too far to walk back •

I HATE BEING
BIPOLAR
IT IS AWESOME

I don't watch soccer...

If I want to spend 90 minutes watching people struggling to score, I take my friends to a bar.

i remember when music cost money and water was free.

I've never seen a Mcdonalds or a Burger King under construction.

They just show up.

Sometimes I feel useless but then
I remember
I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.

I'm multitasking,

I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?... That's common sense leaving your body.

Dear Ex..

When you see me, i want you to recognize what you had, regret what you've lost, and realize what you're never getting back.

Sincerly Me

I am one Candy Crush invite away from murdering someone.

I WANT TO HAVE TEXT WITH YOU.

bock auf candle light döner?

No legacy is so rich as honesty.

Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?

Dear Ex,

Please don't be fooled by Adele, you'll never find someone like me.

The
only thing stronger than a mother's love is a
garlic breath •

Hey there Friday,
I've been waiting to see your sexy ass since Monday...let's do this.

Sometimes you have to find the good in goodbye.

The sex was so good even the neighbours had a cigarette.

I
AM
THE
DESIGNER
OF MY OWN CATASTROPHY

i play the keyboard in a band called the internet

Sex with an ex.

Same as if you shower and wear your dirty underwear again.

Release Your Inner Badass.

You make me smile...

And also super horny, but that's not the point.

And I think to myself...

we live for nights nobody can remember with people we'll never forget

FLY LIKE AN EAGLE.

FUCK LIKE A RABBIT.

I wish I could trade my heart for another liver so I could drink more and care less.

My love is like a candle.

If you forget me, I'll burn your house down.

I don't make mistakes,
I date them.

Growing old is
mandatory.

Growing up is optional.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle

ideas
live
on
their
own

Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.....apparently "in HD" was not the right answer...

Let's do the rabbit thing.

the truth only hurts when it should.

I Was Born To Be Awesome, Not Perfect.

You are
the average of the five people you spend the most time with •

it's not a Sunday unless you completely waste it then feel really sad around 8pm

until 0% battery do us part

Dont make me choose between you and food because I would miss you.

she's a mess of gorgeous chaos & you can see it in her eyes.

I never needed you. I wanted you.

There's a difference.

Calm down, browser.
I cant make a connection either.

Get the kind of Friday you deserve.

I love you so much I want to move to a country where I can legally own you

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

Find someone who knows you're not perfect but treats you
as if you are.

Anybody have any plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?

die with memories,
not dreams.

The world is full of nice people. If you can't find one...

be one.

90% of women don't like men in pink shirts. Ironically 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women either.

you can't have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time

One of the most cruel acts that a human can do to another human, is to cause a person to lose hope.

Explore.
Dream.
Discover.
Believe.

it's always words that undress you.

A fuck must be earned. I can't go down the street with a bucket of fucks, giving them out to everyone.
If I feel that you've earned it, I will give a fuck.

I'll have a café mocha vodka valium latte to go please.

new p•pe
•
•
___ •
||

At the end of the day, life should ask us,
Do you want to save the changes?

i'm wearing my friday socks.

they're like normal socks, but they're ready to party.

I woke up this morning ready to go and work, so I pushed the snooze button and gave my lazyness a second chance.

the lion and tiger might be powerful...
but the wolf does not perform in the circus

Carpe Noctem

Seize The Night.

If I wanted to please everyone, I were born as Nutella

Can february march?

No. But april may

Let's be nothing, I heard it lasts forever.

recently, i called my mother at 3 am. just to let her know how it is, when she calls me on sunday 1 pm.

Never trust a warm toilet seat

Work until your idols become your rivals.

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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

The most amazing people are the ones that don't speak much, but when they do, they shut up a lot of mouths.

cheers to the freaking weekend!

Have you ever noticed that a woman's
"be ready in 5 minutes"
and a man's
"be home in 5 minutes"
are exactly the same?

Better grab my dumbrella.

It's really stupid out there today.

I may look calm but in my head I have already killed you three times AND hid the body.

Life is like a Bollywood movie: colorful, humorous, and usually you have no idea what the fuck is going on.

Put your "faith" between my legs.

WRITE SOMETHING
DRAW SOMETHING
SING SOMETHING
COOK SOMETHING
BUILD SOMETHING
SEW SOMETHING
MAKE SOMETHING

BUY NOTHING

Do not have unprotected
text.

some are playing hard to get while i'm playing hard to want

hipsters make me want to punch a unicorn in the junk

You drink too much.
You swear too much.
You have no morals.

You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend!

To be in the 1%, you have to do what 99% won't.

If you asked me how many times you have crossed my mind I would say once, because you never really left.

How am I meant to control my life I can’t even control my hair

go directly to hell.

do not pass GO.
do not collect $200.

Love what you have before life teaches you to love what you've lost.

I'm an idealist.
I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way.

YOUR
PHONE SCREEN
IS BRIGHTER THAN YOUR FUTURE.

does running away from my problems count as jogging?

What if we are all particles on a grilled cheese sandwich?

The prettiest people do the ugliest things.

I followed my heart and it led me into the fridge.

You don't have a Valentine?

Some people don't have a mother on mother's day or a father on father's day, so
SHUT UP!

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...

It's like I'm the only drunk person at this yoga class.

lazy is a very strong word.
i like to call it selective participation.

Design is so simple, that's why it is so complicated.

Tequila + me = lucky you!

have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered...

"who ties your shoelaces for you?"

Some talk to you in their free time
&
some free time to talk to you

I have an idea.

You sit back, you relax and you die unnoticed.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else -

is the greatest accomplishment

After all is said and
done, a lot more will be said than done.

Don't be ashamed of who you are.

That's your parents job.

When ego is lost, limit is lost. You become infinite, kind, beautiful.

Let's go for a rum!

DONE IS BETTER THAN PERFECT

I'm not interested in where you work, or what you wear, or what your favorite color is, I'm interested in what you think.

Faster than the speed of light is when you can take a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on.

I want to sleep for two years and wake up with a degree, an apartment and money in the bank

My biography will be titled "Be Yourself And Other Ways To Stay Single."

Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.

YOUNG, WILD AND RETARDED.

Don't add winky face emoticons to anything unless you want me to take it sexually.

Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

I'm two fries short of a happy meal

if energy can neither be created nor destroyed, what if our souls are a fragmented collection of other people's souls from the past and future? what if our dreams are their memories?

i am as motivated as the guy who drew the japanese flag.

Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.