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Maybe We Should Call Schools Uteruses So Republicans Will Care About Kids Dying In Them




Sometimes I drink
water to surprise 
my liver

When you can't end the relationship with the person, you have to end the relationship with their bad behaviour. It's called boundaries.
HE SAID HE MISSED ME, NORMALLY THAT WOULD BE GOOD,

 BUT HE'S RELOADING!

 People will notice
 the change 
 in your attitude
 towards them,
 but won't notice
 their behavior that
 made you change.
Where's the shoot myself in the head emoji?
we don't do charity in germany. 
we pay taxes. charity is a failure of governments' responsibilities.
Everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes the reason is, you're stupid and make bad decisions.
Geh deinen Weg!
Ausser er führt am Biergarten vorbei.
Dann geh in den Biergarten!
In case no one 
                 told you today,






you are needed and you deserve the best.



The scariest thing is knowing I'd actually pass all the checks to buy a gun.
If a goal is 
              worth having,

it's worth
blocking out 
the time in your
day to day life necessary
                to achieve it.
I'm not drunk, I'm socially lubricated.



For someone, somewhere in America today will be the last day they have ten fingers
SO I'M WEARING THIS SHIRT THAT SAYS 
'PRIDE ALLY'

CUSTOMER SAYS "DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GAY" I SAID I'M  NOT I'M SUPPORTING PRIDE ALLY ON SATURDAY  AND HE SAID,
WHY WOULD YOU SUPPORT A COMMUNITY YOU ARE NOT PART OF?
I TOLD HIM " I SUPPORT ANIMAL RIGHTS BUT I'M NOT A FKN HORSE"



How soon after getting up is it okay to take a nap?


Teamwork is lot of people doing what I say
Start over.



Be brave enough to 
find the life you want 
and courageous enough 
                                   to chase it.

Then start over and love yourself the way you were 
                      always meant to.


So if guns kill people, I guess pencils misspell words, cars drive drunk, and spoons make people fat
Guns Doof


My Doctor has a Groundbreaking computer system;
it can lose patient records, triple book appointments and corrupt practice records  without ANY human intervention
Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives







put us directly on the path to the best things that will 
                   ever happen to us.


I want the normal rainbow back.


You know, the one God created-not man.
our culture has accepted two huge lies. 
the first is that if you disagree with someones lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. 
the second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. 
both are nonsense. 
you dont have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.
My gay friend got fired from the sperm bank because they caught him drinking on the job.
Oh, you're straight? Well, so is spaghetti until it gets hot and wet.


So if guns kill people, I guess pencils misspell words, cars drive drunk, and spoons make people fat
at what age 
will i grow out of not answering the door when i'm home and sneaking around the house to find out who's knocking?
I just blocked someone on my page for correcting my grammar and it feeleded gooder.

what I did for love,
what I do for love,
I'll do it for you

it is materially imposs-ible for me to be attrac-ted to the same sex as no one has, or will ever have, the same sex as mine

distance to people saves my philanthropy

I always wondered, and still do, how the old Greeks could call Oxy such a moron

to lead people,
walk behind them, 
with a sabre






You inspire my inner serial killer
what do you call the type of self-esteem, when you don't like yourself, but still think you are better than others?
Your Brain On Text

The Highland Park terrorist has been identified as  . . . sorry, we have just been informed that the shooter was white. We apologize for having referred to him as a terrorist. We repeat: he was white. Okay? Sorry, it was dark, and noisy; and on another occasion, the killer might well have been non-white. (Police expressed relief that the killer was not lynched by an outraged mob.)
"wish you were here"

my text message to my exes when I walk through a cemetery

gay means happy,
however gay you are


"Ew you're dating someone who used to be a man, that makes you gay"


Well, the person you're dating used to be a child, so with your logic that makes me a paedophile.
von deinen Lippen 
las ich diese Welt, 
deine Hand war warm, 
mir war kalt, 
jetzt sind wir beide alt 
und blicken 
in die Vergangenheit


I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her Cherry Chapstick.

regarding the increa-sing number of options for my orgies, I finally chose to be Hello-sexual




Gays are using windmills to waft Homosexual mists into your home...



Gay men subsist on a diet that mainly consists on online validation from strangers, iced coffee, and MEMES


Jesus had 2 Dads and he turned out fine
the revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live-breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

It's not illegal. It's just frowned upon. Like masturbating on an airplane.
laundry today 
or 
naked tomorrow
You look like something 
I draw with my left hand.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying,

"I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
Whenever I delete an app on my phone, 
the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed •
My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said; "no, we all seem to enjoy it"
I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.





     LISTEN TO SILENCE
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything
I love waving at random people,  because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.

If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself
Voices in your head - normal

Listening to them - common

Arguing with them - acceptable

Losing the argument - BIG PROBLEM
i just burnt my tongue on some food 

they say the ones you love hurt you the most


THIS "NORMAL" YOU SPEAK OF DOESN'T SOUND FUN AT ALL.

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Sun goes down earlier for short people.


If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
justice is
a beautiful concept.
unicorns too.
I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty 


and I could not have described it any better
Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.
10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion. 

90% are due to wrong tone of voice.
I like to be alone. 
But I would rather be alone with you.
i've
fallen
in love
with you,

but you
don't exist.