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'men will fuck anything' says the gender who will use cucumbers, candles, broom handles and about 73 different toys to masturbate
put some whiskey in my coffee because it's ireland somewhere.
OMG!  I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain!

On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left!
Social media 
has successfully made everybody a photographer, 
a model, 
a vlogger 
and annoying.

Chances are, 
if it's inappropriate and tasteless, 
I'll find it completely fucking hilarious.
Getting offended by something you saw on the internet is like choosing to step in dog shit, instead of walking around it.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common?

The fear of not making it home...
Stop saying "they didn't teach us that in school"
Yes they did; you were talking.
there will be days when you accomplish great things, and then there will be days when you eat french fries for breakfast.

Don't make men's pee pee sad
afraid to die alone?
become a bus driver.
The only people mad at you for speaking the truth, are those living a lie.
Me:  This show is boring.

Boss:  Again, this is a Zoom conference.
Using too much blur filter does not make you look smoother. 

It only makes your inferiority complex shine through.

 If they miss you,
 they'll call.

 If they want you,
 they'll say it.

 If they care,
 they'll show it.

 And if not,
 they aren't worth 
 your time.
girlfriends are temporary. 

ex-girlfriends are forever.

Trump stated that he can de-classify information just by thinking about it. 

Well hell! If that's how it works, I am going to erase ALL my debt and be a Trillionaire!
i hope they decide to decide this mission before it runs out of energy :-/
I like the word 'retreat'. Makes me feel so gooey and happy. Put the word retreat in front of anything and it sounds like it will do your soul wonders. So here I am on a little Netflix retreat.
Me: *enjoying anything*

My wife: Not so fast, buddy

Penicillin cures, but wine makes people happy.

Always wear sexy lingerie. Others may not see it, but they feel it.
I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I didn't like my attitude and I suspected I was drinking on the job.
put some whiskey in my coffee because it's ireland somewhere.
Stop saying "they didn't teach us that in school"
Yes they did; you were talking.
there will be days when you accomplish great things, and then there will be days when you eat french fries for breakfast.
The inventor of Pop Rocks: 
Brightly colored sugar isn't good enough. It also needs to detonate.
So Ozzy is moving out of America to England, because he thinks the USA is ''getting too crazy''.

Let that sink in.

Ozzy Osbourne thinks America is too crazy.

We are doomed.
when you get telemarketing calls, give the phone to your 3 year-old daughter and tell her it's santa.
i miss those days when i could just throw someone into the pool without having to worry whether that had their phone in their pocket.
Just give me a grey foggy morning, and the sweet hot smell of a café opening up for the day.
all those billions of galaxies with trillions of planets and we ended up on the one with a 40-hour work week.
why don't we all just fuck everything and become pirates?

How do you get out 
of your head?
There is no sisterhood. 
But, thankfully, there is always coffee.

    Tell me, why are we

          so blind to see

  that the ones we hurt

         are you and me!
british people struggling in this heat wave, stay strong. 
your ancestors colonized entire countries in this heat.
fool proof systems do not take into account the ingenuity of fools.
canceling student loan debt is unfair to all those who have already faked their own death and started a new life to avoid paying theirs back.

 Hit 'em High!
my office is not dirty.  
i just have everything on display.
like a museum.
it's not a waste of time if you learn something.
number one problem facing humanity: irony.

i think its unreasonable for people to expect me to solve my problems using the same brain that makes me touch a cactus whenever i see a cactus

as soon as you say out loud: my child would never...
here they come nevering like theyve never nevered before
"You wouldn't eat a person so why eat meat?"

Bold of you to presume I wouldn't eat a human.
some advice: 
don't try to use your entire vocabulary in a single sentence.

It's not illegal. It's just frowned upon. Like masturbating on an airplane.
laundry today 
naked tomorrow
You look like something 
I draw with my left hand.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying,

"I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
Whenever I delete an app on my phone, 
the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed •
My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said; "no, we all seem to enjoy it"

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything
I love waving at random people,  because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.

If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself
Voices in your head - normal

Listening to them - common

Arguing with them - acceptable

Losing the argument - BIG PROBLEM
i just burnt my tongue on some food 

they say the ones you love hurt you the most


Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Sun goes down earlier for short people.

If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
justice is
a beautiful concept.
unicorns too.
I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty 

and I could not have described it any better
Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.
10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion. 

90% are due to wrong tone of voice.
I like to be alone. 
But I would rather be alone with you.
in love
with you,

but you
don't exist.