JHE's Posts

Hangry

A state of anger caused by lack of food

Reposted from swatchUSA

swatchUSA likes this

You really start living when you don't need anything to lift your mood

Reposted from Ziya

FUN FACT:

Alcohol increases the size of the "send" button by 95%

Reposted from chrysti

juneocallagh likes this

ROMANTIC FILMS ARE KNOWN TO RUIN RELATIONSHIPS, AS THEY GIVE UNREALISTIC EXPETATIONS TO WOMEN ABOUT WHAT TO EXPECT FROM MEN...
PORN HAS THE SAME EFFECT ON MEN?!?

Reposted from juneocallagh

juneocallagh likes this

If they really want to prepare kids for the
"real world" they would offer a class called...
"Working With Assholes"

Reposted from chrysti

Wenn die Fettsäuren schon nicht gesättigt sind, wie soll ich dann davon gesättigt werden...?!

swatchUSA likes this

Live now

Procrastinate later

PaisleyPuff and purplechill like this

Your great great grandchildren will probably do a history project on your social media posts.

Reposted from huzy

wie gut das wir Sommer haben...

stell dir mal vor, es wäre Herbst und es würde ständig regnen.

Reposted from campino

The Flat Earth Society has members all around the Globe

Ziya likes this

manchmal rufe ich im Meeting einfach "das bringt mich auf eine Idee!", stürme aus dem Raum, fahre nach Hause und lege mich ins Bett

Reposted from antiwarhol

Suche Wohnung mit großem Balkon,
damit ich zum Volk sprechen kann!

Reposted from campino

campino likes this

In today's busy world premature ejaculation ought to be celebrated more often.

Reposted from anonymous

How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then to rest afterward.

~Spanish proverb

Reposted from dor1316

dor1316 and Bettydent like this

Was sagt ein Schwimmer zum Nichtschwimmer im Schwimmerbecken?

"Halt den Rand!"

Authlander likes this

Somewhere, Banksy is anxiously holding his spray can, waiting for trump to build the wall

Reposted from DanaSchwartz

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless

Authlander likes this

Ich werde es nie kapieren, wie man beim Biathlon Zweiter werden kann.

Man hat doch ein Gewehr.

Reposted from campino

purplechill and campino like this

Es ist schon länger her, dass ich einen Menschen getroffen habe, der mir Seelenfrieden gegeben hat

Durch die Geburt der Tochter meines Bruders ist die Hoffnung auf einen Neffen zur Nichte gemacht worden.

Reposted from Lichtwaechter

Warum sollte man 3 Minuten telefonieren,

wenn man eine Sache auch in 6 Stunden per WhatsApp klären kann.

Reposted from campino

campino and VamosBarca like this

Wenn du eine Pizza mit Radius «z» und der Dicke «a» hast, ist ihr Volumen

V = Pi (z*z) a

Reposted from campino

campino likes this

Wenn ich liege, dann geht's.

Reposted from MinimumStart

heidierdbeer likes this

An den Typen, der meine Winterjacke geklaut hat:

Du kannst dich warm anziehen.

Reposted from BrienneTarte.

emiledi77 likes this

My goal in life is to piss off at least one person a day.

So far I'm about 12 years ahead of schedule

Reposted from Sasquatchprime

emiledi77 likes this

I am the world's worst perfectionist.

Reposted from Vandtastic

Oh! Mir sind Tomaten durch das Sieb gerutscht!

Passiert!

Reposted from Yakooza

emiledi77 likes this

No trees were killed to send this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced

Reposted from Fionacatherine

emiledi77 likes this

Hitting a wall might be the first step in making a breakthrough

Reposted from Bartjan

emiledi77 and Fionacatherine like this

Von der Veranlagung bin ich schlank, lebe das aber nicht aus.

Reposted from Dwell

emiledi77 likes this

Es liegt nicht an Dir, es liegt an mir.

Ich hab einfach was besseres verdient.

Reposted from Dwell

Ich hab japanische Angst vor schlechten Wortspielen!

Reposted from lowsteep

campino likes this

What the fuck do birds have to be so happy about at 5am?

Reposted from lbmilton

emiledi77 likes this

The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary

Reposted from Babs_77

Babs_77 likes this

Two helium atoms were acting funny

HeHe

Reposted from Demetrius

I'm F.I.N.E.

(fucked up, Insaine, Neurotic, Emotional)

Reposted from Babs_77

emiledi77 and Babs_77 like this

Die Sorge, dass ich wegen der blöden Autokorrektur eines Tages etwas versautes schreibe, wichst täglich.

Reposted from BerlinGirl2014

emiledi77 and campino like this

And if I asked you to name all the things you love, how long would it take to name yourself ?

Reposted from Junglipunjaban

emiledi77 and purplechill like this

Just tell him I was too fucking busy- or vice-versa

Reposted from Fionacatherine

emiledi77 and purplechill like this

Wer für seinen Lebensunterhalt arbeiten muss, hat die Kontrolle über sein Leben verloren

emiledi77 likes this

Kasse im H&M:

Eine Frau wirft ihrer Freundin, welche schon vorne steht, ein Oberteil zum mitbezahlen zu.

Das, liebe Mädels ist Abseits

Reposted from campino

emiledi77 and campino like this

If you are over 40 it's no longer called masturbation.

It's called a system check.

Fionacatherine likes this

Du hast 3 Möglichkeiten im Leben: aufgeben, nachgeben oder alles geben.

Reposted from vivilae

savior-vivre likes this

Das Hamsterrad sieht von innen aus wie eine Karriereleiter

”Kalsarikännit"

ist finnisch und bedeutet

"Sich alleine zu Hause in Unterhosen betrinken."

Irgendwie beneide ich die Finnen , dass sie dafür ein Wort haben.

Reposted from campino

campino likes this

Die einzigen Dates die ich gerade habe sind Updates.

Reposted from dani.ela

campino likes this

WGtarisch

Ich esse was meine Mitbewohner kochen.

Reposted from byronsurf

campino likes this

Faulheitsregel #2186

Ist die Strecke länger als das Auto, wird gefahren.

Reposted from VamosBarca

campino likes this

The amount of energy necessary to refute bullshit is an order of magnitude bigger than to produce it

Trying to get rich by playing the lottery is like trying to commit suicide by flying on commercial airlines

Authlander, purplechill and savior-vivre like this

MONTAG

Das "S" steht für supergut gelaunt.

Reposted from bananajoe1987

Chuck Norris has a bear carpet in his house, the bear isn't dead its just afraid to move.

Reposted from campino

Authlander and campino like this

"Du bist Einzelkind, oder?"

"Ich bevorzuge den Ausdruck: Alleinerbe..."

Reposted from anonymous

campino likes this

"Guten Tag, ich würde gerne einen Jahresvertrag abschließen."

"Das Fitnessstudio ist eine Etage höher, wir sind eine Pizzeria."

"Ich weiß."

Reposted from anonymous

campino likes this

"Hallo, ich brauche etwas gegen Husten."

"Schleimen sie auch?"

"Wenn es hilft, sie wunderschöne, schlaue Apothekerin."

Reposted from campino

campino likes this

If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself

Reposted from Babs_77

campino, Babs_77 and Bettydent like this

Mein Sohn wünscht sich ein Pony zu Weihnachten...

...bis jetzt gab's ja immer Ente... naja, mal was neues...

Reposted from campino

campino likes this

With guns you can kill
terrorists

With education you can kill terrorism

Reposted from Babs_77

MaScho, campino and Babs_77 like this

Bewerbungsgespräch:

"Ihre Stärken?"

"Ich bin sehr hartnäckig."

"Wir melden uns."

"Ich warte hier."

Reposted from campino

Lichtwaechter, campino, savior-vivre and Yakooza like this

Ich habe keine Ahnung, was mein Bürokollege beruflich macht.

Reposted from joe3672

Yakooza likes this

Ich bin ungewollt Schwager.

Reposted from worthort

Yakooza likes this

I'm in the shower: 5% washing,
10% singing,
10% shampoo in the eyes,
75% thinking about topics for past discussions or never happened

Reposted from Babs_77

Babs_77 likes this

Meine Lehrer haben keine Ahnung, die fragen mich andauernd.

Reposted from anonymous

WhatsApp-Status auf

"Im Fitnessstudio"

geändert. 2 Anrufe und 7 Nachrichten von Freunden und Familie, ob mir das Handy geklaut wurde.

Reposted from campino

campino likes this

Frauen Komplimente zu machen, ist wie Topfschlagen im Minenfeld

Reposted from niemo

"I need a coffee."

"Decaffeinated?"

"Yes, and a piece of apple-pie without apple."

Reposted from campino

campino likes this

If you ever feel powerless, remember that a single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a whole restaurant.

Reposted from BJcore

Denk daran.

Die Brücke, über die Du heute fährst, wurde vom günstigsten Bieter gebaut...

Reposted from campino

haddock and campino like this

"You don't have tattoos, do you?"

"No, honey. Would you put a bumper sticker on a bentley?"

Reposted from avant-garde

haddock and avant-garde like this

ANTISTALKING

(v) learning a person's routine in order to avoid them.

Reposted from dAn

Sport gibt Dir das Gefühl, dass Du nackt besser aussiehst.

Tequila übrigens auch.

Reposted from skopi

haddock, Tanascha and campino like this

Kind bei Hochzeit:
"Mama, warum trägst du weiß?"

"Weil das der glücklichste Tag meines Lebens ist!"

"Und warum trägt Papa schwarz?"

Reposted from campino

campino likes this

An die Person, die meine Schuhe versteckt hat während ich auf der Hüpfburg war:

Werd erwachsen!

Reposted from kultakala

Theoretisch können manche Menschen schwimmen, weil sie hohl sind. In der Praxis gehen sie aber unter, weil sie nicht ganz dicht sind.

Reposted from campino

campino and hensch like this

Polizeinotruf.

"Oh. Bin ich bei der Polizei?"

"Nein... Ich bin bei der Polizei. Sie sind irgendwo da draußen und telefonieren..."

Reposted from campino

campino likes this

Reposted from campino

campino and hensch like this

Ich glaube, Frauen haben einfach noch nicht realisiert, wie gut ich laut meiner Mutter aussehe...

Reposted from clawdhoe

campino likes this

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.

The glass is refillable

Reposted from makalapua

makalapua likes this

When 3 people have sex, It's called a threesome.

When two people have sex, It's called a twosome.

Now I understand why they call you Handsome.

Reposted from Bettydent

Tanascha likes this

There is nothing more sad than finding the RIGHT person at the wrong time!

Reposted from DRAGON1

Tanascha likes this

Both porn and religion distort a persons perspectives on women.

Reposted from anonymous

mng likes this

If you take off your beautiful wings, you're just a bug.

Reposted from JodieT

JodieT likes this

Never look down on someone unless you're helping them up.

Reposted from anonymous

At a job interview: "What are your strengths?"

"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Yes, when do I start?"

Reposted from swatchUSA

swatchUSA likes this

A group of kids is called a migraine.

Reposted from MissB

Ah, so you're the reason we have warning labels on everything.

Reposted from Jamille

Bartjan, Authlander, Jamille and campino like this

Für bestimmte Menschen gehe ich bis ans Ende der Welt. Für Andere nicht mal ans Telefon.

Reposted from campino

campino and Tanascha like this

Kapiervorgang abgebrochen

Reposted from campino

savior-vivre, campino, haddock and Tanascha like this

Rede nicht von Schönheit, wenn deine Schminke mehr wiegt als dein Gehrin

Reposted from campino

campino likes this

Fact:
in the future I'll tell my grandsons that I'm older than the internet, and blow their mind forever

Reposted from Babs_77

Babs_77 likes this

I wonder who was the first person saying
"This round white thing popped out of that chicken's ass, let's eat it"

Reposted from Babs_77

Babs_77 and haddock like this

time you enjoy wasting, is not wasted time •

Reposted from anonymous

haddock and Qball like this

Just because you are offended, it doesn't mean you are right.

Reposted from MissB

Blood you have donated could be in someone's boner right now

You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child

haddock likes this

Das Dumme an Zitaten aus dem Internet ist, dass man nie weiss ob sie wahr sind oder nicht

- Leonardo Da Vinci -

niederwimm likes this

Hämorrhoiden sind die Wächter an der Pforte zum Bösen

Babs_77 likes this

Du bist lustig.
Dich töte ich zuletzt.

Reposted from littleape

Lichtwaechter, pztk, campino and haddock like this

Die meisten Kinderkrankheiten lassen sich mit einem "Och, dann kannst du ja gar keinen Schokokeks essen." heilen

Reposted from campino

campino likes this

Musik ist Bier für die Ohren

haddock likes this

in dog beers i've only had one.

Reposted from beesmoove

haddock likes this

In the eternal struggle between heart and brain, stomach always wins

Reposted from Babs_77

savior-vivre and haddock like this

The England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today.

It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope said Jose, age 6.

Reposted from 2schaa

2schaa likes this

When a guy calls you hot he's looking at your body.
When a guy calls you pretty he's look at your face.
When a guy calls you beautiful he's looking at your heart.

All three guys still want to fuck you though.

Reposted from anonymous

SMILE
it confuses people

Ziya, hensch and pztk like this

vitamine sind gesund.

kalorien schmecken besser.

Reposted from Kiks

pztk likes this

Dramatisch:

Es wird eine Zeit kommen in welcher Großeltern nicht
mehr Ilse und Heinz, sondern Chantal und Kevin heißen.

Reposted from campino

campino likes this

Just because it's easy doesn't mean it's the best thing for you.

Reposted from ShanarahB

hensch likes this

procrastination - I'll explain it to you... tomorrow

Reposted from quesera

hensch likes this

Push yourself.
Do 15 push-ups instead of 10.
Run 3 miles instead of 2.
Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece.

Reposted from avant-garde

Schokolade fragt nicht, Schokolade versteht!

Reposted from heidierdbeer

hensch and campino like this

you are selber schuld

Reposted from heidierdbeer

hensch likes this

A negative person sees the glass of water half empty.
A positive person sees it half full.
A realistic person adds two shots of whiskey, two cubes of ice, and says "Cheers!".

emiledi77, ranjithbantu, campino, meohmy, hensch and savior-vivre like this

reposted by savior-vivre

the limits of your language are the limits of your world

Reposted from againandagain

Vandtastic likes this

Wer per SMS Schluss macht ist medienkompetent.

savior-vivre, hensch and Tanascha like this

My ancestors would be proud of the way I hunt for meat in the supermarket.

Reposted from anonymous

don't be eye candy. be soul food.

Reposted from Anonymous

Vandtastic and savior-vivre like this

Mauerblümchen sind hochgradig giftig

Reposted from Davidmayhem

Yakooza and campino like this

Guns don't kill people

George R. R. Martin kills people

Vandtastic likes this

Es gibt Facebook, Skype und Whatsapp.
Und mein Nachbar klingelt an meiner Tür.

Mit dem stimmt doch was nicht!

Reposted from Yakooza

savior-vivre and campino like this

Wie viele Leute arbeiten bei dir in der Firma?

"Ca. die Hälfte"

Reposted from LouZiffer

campino likes this

We didn't get to the top of the food chain by being vegetarians.

Reposted from phuamaxx

Vandtastic and phuamaxx like this

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.

Reposted from anonymous

Tanascha and campino like this

Reposted from anonymous

blood under your nails or it didn't happen

Reposted from sosoandso

sosoandso and bold like this

Der Montag ist mein siebtliebster Wochentag.

Reposted from mehr

emiledi77, Yakooza, savior-vivre, campino and bold like this

If a turtle losses its shell...

is it naked or homeless?

Reposted from campino

Vandtastic and campino like this

rather than teaching kids what to think we should teach them how to think

Reposted from avant-garde

Vandtastic and avant-garde like this

I WANT TO HAVE TEXT WITH YOU.

Reposted from bold

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

Reposted from Loupi4614

Vandtastic and Loupi4614 like this

Sun goes down earlier for short people.

Reposted from hebdifescht

campino likes this

laundry today
or
naked tomorrow

Reposted from sarilarifari

Wer glaubt, dass Schweigen Probleme löst, hält sich auch die Augen zu, um unsichtbar zu werden.

Reposted from campino

Yakooza and campino like this

do twins ever realise one of them was unplanned?

Reposted from avant-garde

RESPECT EXISTENCE
OR
EXPECT RESISTANCE.

Reposted from MissB

Be careful When you Follow The
"MASSES"

Sometimes The
"M "
Is Silent ;-)

Reposted from juneocallagh

savior-vivre likes this

If all men are the same, why are girls so picky?

Reposted from NukeSkywalker

NukeSkywalker likes this

If the phone doesn't ring,
it's me.

Reposted from NukeSkywalker

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute.
I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

Reposted from NukeSkywalker

Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.

Reposted from NukeSkywalker

UserOne and savior-vivre like this

Apple CEO announces he's gay. Samsung CEO announces he's more gay and water resistant.

Reposted from NukeSkywalker

Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships... apparently "in HD" was not the right answer...

It's not that diabetes,
heart disease and obesity
runs in your family. It's that no one runs in your
family.

Reposted from Mamic

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive:

"Hi".

Reposted from NukeSkywalker

tomorrow (noun)

a mystical land where 99 percent of all human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored.

Reposted from xoxox