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Posts Liked by Beefjerky

I call you "Penis," because you're
always trying
to insert yourself,
without an explicit invitation.

15

I Once had this
dream that I lived
on an expensive
planet called earth
and had no money,

I never woke up

20

*
LETTUCE
TURNIP
THE
BEET

19

Relax people.....we're all crazy...

It ain't a competition

17

My chest is so hairy it's like my nipples are a secret.

28

are you even comprehending what i'm saying

please acknowledge that you hear me

12

If burglers broke into my house and searched for money,
I'd just laugh and search with them.

52

why do i keep forgetting
that i have choices?

67

EVERY TIME I SEE YOU

MY MIDDLE
FINGER GETS
AN
AUTOMATIC ERECTION

49

Bewirb dich bitte bei IKEA - als unterste Schublade.

56

You seem like a sweet person.

Mind if I lick you to find out?

59

IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR ME I'M SLEEPING....
IT'S SUNDAY

NOW PISS OFF

15

Immer wenn jemand sagt, dass Frauen die saufen unattraktiv sind, muss ich lachen. Ich will ja auch nicht attraktiv sein, sondern betrunken!

13

You're still going to get criticized, so you might as well do whatever the f*** you want!

21

I can't drown my demons.

These bitches know how to swim.

43

You make me think.
And, I'm not ashamed to tell you, sometimes it hurts.

25

One day I will rule the world, until then I'm going to bed.

52

Sleeping
is the only time
to feel real freedom..
because there's no rules in dreaming •

58

Seriously.
What is it with beautiful people saying they break mirrors?
It's kinda* annoying to those of us who really do.

24

buying alcohol free beer by accident.

14

Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.

49

Whenever I think, "I'm gonna regret this in the morning..."
I make sure to sleep in until noon the next day, because I'm a problem solver.

27

A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear.

Unless it's 3am.

And you're home alone.

And you don't have a baby.

240

Ah, fuck it!!This shit calls
for a nap!!

30

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can't get the straw in the hole you've had enough.

82

Twighlight 4

Biss vom Suarez!

32

YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE LAST PIECE OF PIZZA. EVERYONE WANTS IT, BUT NOBODY DARES TO TAKE IT.

74

If I wanted to show support, I would have been born as a bra.

76

I am so clever that sometimes I do not understand a single word of what I am saying.

-Oscar Wilde

56

my "i hate you" face must look very similar to my "tell me more" face.
i'll have to work on that.

85

If I say I believe in God, no one really cares,

if I say I believe in demons, they put me in a mental hospital.

100

twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs, they're not a door

146

beautiful things don't ask for attention

52

Have you ever looked at someone and thought...

'Yep... you have a person locked in your basement.'

163

Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone's throat.

44

what's the difference between a homeless guy and a hipster?

-the iPhone

105

Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, then it's probably shit.

180

It's not the dress that makes you look fat....

... it's the fat!

163

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

197

You don't have to be a cowboy to ride off into the sunset.

52

leave my head
or
start paying rent

103

I hate it when the voices in my head go silent...

I never know what those fuckers are planning...

67

i've been single for a while and i have to say it's going very well.

i think i'm the one

53

I still have no idea why it's called a beauty sleep when you wake up looking like a fuckin' troll!

168

I'll have a café mocha vodka valium latte to go please.

240

Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.

238

when alexander graham bell invented the phone, he had three missed calls from chuck norris

40

Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

70

I'm gonna ignore you so hard you'll start to doubt your own existance.

73

Your pants say yoga, but your ass says McDonalds!

48

Haters will see you walk on water and say its because you can't swim.

109

The only thing we learn from history is that we don't learn from history.

101

404: Life not found

81

I may look calm but in my head I have already killed you three times AND hid the body.

241

Irony is 15 year old mothers using protective covers on their smartphones

101

Being famous on Instagram is like being rich on Monopoly.

269

The
difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza •

147

If Adam and Eve were Chinese,
we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.

98

go directly to hell.

do not pass GO.
do not collect $200.

45

I followed my heart and it led me into the fridge.

61

I don't care if you think I'm insane.

The unicorn who visits me in the night time says
I don't and
I believe him.

154

Never
make eye contact while eating banana.

339

If I wanted to please everyone, I were born as Nutella

121

BEFORE SEX...YOU HELP EACH OTHER GET NAKED, AFTER SEX YOU ONLY DRESS YOURSELF.

MORAL OF THE STORY: IN LIFE NO ONE HELPS YOU

ONCE YOU'RE FUCKED.

325

100% of non-
smokers die too.

213

i'm wearing my friday socks.

they're like normal socks, but they're ready to party.

83

How am I meant to control my life I can’t even control my hair

125

I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY
AND MAYBE
A LITTLE BIT NAKED.

265

Hey there Friday,
I've been waiting to see your sexy ass since Monday...let's do this.

100

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

459

Quiet people have the loudest minds.

355

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis!

111

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

286

Here's a tissue, you have a little bullshit on your lip.

218

You remind me of my big toe, cause i'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own

273

Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

628

I just awesomed all over the place.

317

I just took a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

271

justice is
a beautiful concept.
unicorns too.

320

THIS "NORMAL" YOU SPEAK OF DOESN'T SOUND FUN AT ALL.

416

life is what happens when you put your phone down.

153

I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT

250

It's not illegal. It's just frowned upon. Like masturbating on an airplane.

1546

I tripped and fell in love.

Don't worry, I brushed that shit off.

409

that awkward moment when I'm drunk
and you're still ugly

478

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