KingBen's Posts

Snow.

The only time 4 inches will keep a woman in bed allday.

#weatherforecast

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reposted by mylisa1970

Just been to the gym and there's a new machine there.
I only used it for about an hour, as I started to feel sick, but it's great: it's got KitKats, Mars bars, crisps and everything in it.

#fitness

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reposted by mylisa1970

I lift everyday!

I lift food to my mouth.

#fitness

reposted by mylisa1970

My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh.
If you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean.

#wonderofthesea, #wwf, #fishy

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Bitter husband says to his wife, "On your Gravestone I'll put 'COLD AS EVER'."

Wife says, "On yours I'll put 'STIFF AT LAST'."

#gravestone, #contest

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A girl suggested I set up a double Date to make our First time out less awkward, I hope she likes my parents.

#firstdate

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Note to self: Make sure, on a First Date, both of us understand each other's idea of "eating out".

#firstdate, #eatingout

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Vote for the man who promises least; he will be the least disappointing.

Bernard M. Baruch

#electionpledge, #nzztoolbox, #voting

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Its useless to hold a person to anything he says while hes in love, drunk, or running for office.

#electionpledge, #nzztoolbox

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So, if we lie to the government, it's a felony. But if they lie to us its politics...

- Bill Murray

#electionpledge, #nzztoolbox, #billmurray, #politics

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Urban Dictionary: Analtality

1. a disaster resulting in death by anal intercourse.

I'd love to see that in the next Mortal Combat game.

#urbandictionary, #anal, #mortalkombat

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Slut: A female with male intentions.

#urbandictionary, #slut

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My wife stole money off me in my sleep just so she could satisfy her plastic surgery needs.

I have to admit though, it was pretty nice waking up with a 12 inch cock.

#plasticsurgery, #contestentry2

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My wife's breast augmentation went tits up.

#plasticsurgery, #contest

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Live for today, plan for tomorrow, party tonight, party tonight

#weekend, #drake, #lyrics

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Constipation sufferers just don't give a shit.

#joke, #funny

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"I'm confident, bold, and I am not afraid to take risks, " I told the interviewer.

"That may be the case, but would you please get out of my chair and wait outside with the other applicants until your name is called, " he replied.

#jobinterview, #joke

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I saw a hearse today with a wreath that spelled ''Dad''

I think they left the E out.

#jokes, #joke, #funny, #stolen

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At a job interview.

"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

#jobinterview

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reposted by SimonLauper

I'm not used to settlin' down, I'm too used to switchin' it up, oh

#turnup, #drake

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You got your guards up, I do too. There's things we might discover cause you got a past and I do too. We're perfect for each other

I can't go to bed, I'm thinking about my goals

#dreams

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I am on a 24-hour champagne diet

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If I left this shit to chance I would've picked a name like Chance the Rapper

#drake, #chance, #hustle

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My ex asked where Im going, I said moving on to other things

#ex, #exs, #movingon

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Ive been avoiding commitment, thats why Im in this position

#drake, #beyonce

bobbybuilder likes this

We used to say a goal is just a dream with a deadline

#drake, #goals, #dreams

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