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GaylrdSprFckr

ooops I did it again. Yes, I'm Britney.

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GaylrdSprFckr

I just awesomed all over the place.

317

I wish I had boobs so people would stop making eye contact with me.

146

Let's do the rabbit thing.

115

Put your "faith" between my legs.

77

It's not a walk of shame if you leave with a moonwalk.

78

No matter what kind of instant noodles you buy, they all taste like poverty and loneliness.

71

Never ask a woman her age. Or her weight. Or anything. Just stare, breathe and hope for the best.

58

I
AM
THE
DESIGNER
OF MY OWN CATASTROPHY

63

ALCOHOL DOESN'T CAUSE HANGOVERS WAKING UP DOES

88

I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account, so I just go around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times. I've got three followers so far but I think at least two are cops.

135

Sad story: my favorite Italian chef died. In other words, he pasta way.

120

IF YOU ARE LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE DIFFERENT, DON'T EVER CHANGE.

110

I'm one of the nicest assholes you could ever hope to meet.

57

Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

81

I love gay people.
Or as I sometimes call them, "people."

107

I just eye rolled so hard, I burnt 5 calories.

105

My life is a romantic comedy minus the romance and just me laughing at my own jokes.

111

Ups...just got caught peeing in the swimming pool. The damn lifeguard shouted so loud, I almost fell in.

59

I just had a near-work experience.

91

It has been a long week... I need one of those hugs that turn into sex.

104

I get it other planets,
I have no life either.

55

My damn iPhone is broken.

I pressed the home button and I'm still at work...

105

Keep your nudes, send me your grandma's lasagne recipe.

41

I wake up everyday intending to be productive and then a voice in my head says "Haha good one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.

62

Donald Trump: Climate change isn't real!
Mother Nature: Here, hold my covfefe.

42

I don't need much but many beers.

33

I visited my psycho- therapist the other day...

he cried a lot.

33

I am a kid at heart and a 47 year old coal miner at liver.

37

I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings.

I'm a drunk, we go to parties.

73

Save a horse; ride a cowboy.

81

Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.

34

a b c d e f u c k i t

31

When I'm available no one texts me.
When I'm busy... BAM! ...still no one texts me.

69

I would exercise but
it makes me spill my drink.

52

Who needs April Fools when your entire life is a joke.

63

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life
-
if I die next thursday.

45

DON'T WORRY
IT ONLY SEEMS KINKY THE FIRST TIME

47

Whenever I look at a book the remote bursts out laughing.

30

I could be a better person. I really could but I won't.

40

When I'm bored, I send a text to a random number saying

"I hid the body...now what?"

69

Growing a beard is so much easier than developing a personality!

37

Sometimes I think I'm sad but then it turns out I'm just eating salad.

61

No! It's spelled "sexiest", not "sexist". Stupid bitch.

54

It takes two to tango, but Sarah from accounting is a bitch.

30

If you receive a text from me late night, please discard it.

My phone is drunk.

54

I hate the word homophobia. It's not a phobia; you are not scared.
You are just an asshole.

54

GO FUCK YOURSELF

...and let me watch.

40

Don't judge people based on their job. Unless it's a blow job.

54

I'm the type of person that loses things while holding them.

38

It's about time to come up with an emoji for "you're driving me insane, but I still want to fuck you!"

46

Good friends are like underpants, they cover your ass when you need them to.

36

HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.

43

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated,but can't pronounce it.

50

What happens in Vegas...
ends up on Facebook.

27

There are four basic human needs; food, sleep, sex and revenge.

47

How do you know if someone is Vegetarian? They tell you.
Always.

60

I'm gonna kill you.
Hahaha.
No, seriously. Run.

50

If I died and went to hell it would probably take me a while to realize that I'm not at work anymore.

53

41

Relationships are a lot like fat people,
most of them don't work out.

40

a mosquito landed on my balls... hardest decision of my life

27

Judging by the smell, my neighbor is having diarrhea for dinner.

19

YOUR FACE,

I love that shit.

44

Dating is like falling in love with a song on the radio then committing to the album; hoping the rest of the songs aren't fucking garbage.

42

Watch me screw up everything.

Show starts at 9a.m. daily.

31

I used to be fucking stupid.
But then we broke up.

35

The one thing I like about voice messages

erasing them.

21

Siri,
clear history of yesterday.

35

I really wish I could unfuck you.

41

Jag suger på utländska språk

40

50 shades of dark circles under my eyes.

39

The hardest part about beginning a new relationship is learning to fart quietly again...

42

Coffee keeps me busy until it's time to be drunk.

37

It's winter.
Call me old fashioned but I think your shorts should be longer than your vagina.

42

Anyone seen my motivation? I think I lost it somewhere between here and who the hell cares.

42

Stalking is all fun & games until you accidently press the Like-button.

45

I'm still kind of pissed that they never did tell us how to get to Sesame Street!

32

My younger sister just got her PhD and I'm writing this pink post about a smelly fart that I named Frank.

39

I just liked my own post and feel like I jerked off in the virtual world.

30

Therapist..?
You mean bartender!?

41

Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant.
The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

31

Your spiritual guidance led me to the liquor store.

43

Come to the
dark side

we have
cookies

40

Floor:
My largest shelf

35

How much longer do I need to stay unmarried before they give me a Bachelor's degree?

24

You can't argue with a good blow job.

27

You're never too old to look at your life and say "fuuuuck."

32

When I drink during a full moon I turn into an unawarewolf.

44

I have a great idea for getting rich.

All we need is a lot of money.

41

BEAST
MODE

» ON

13

What does a cat and a fork have in common?
They both have tails, except the fork.

29

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

30

itunes has got it all wrong the hottest single of the year is me

41

I'm looking for a roommate do you know anyone who's invisible, doesn't talk and refills the fridge regularly?

25

Has anyone tried tossing a virgin redhead into a volcano yet?

18

If you're hot,
I'm single.

21

You know it was a good Monday when you didn't hit or bite anyone.

21

If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton fall off a cliff, who survives?

America. The answer is America.

37

The ocean gets its saltiness from the tears of misunderstood sharks who just want to cuddle.

42

My girlfriend does this cute little thing where she doesn't exist.

29

if you drink enough vodka it tastes like love

37

To Do-List

1) Buy 4 pigs

2) Paint numbers 1, 2, 3 and 5 on their backs

3) Release them in a supermarket

4) Sit back and watch Security search for #4

40

The next time you get a call from a blocked number answer the phone and say, "It's done, but there's blood everywhere."

42

Just met the bottle of wine I want to grow old with

31

Alcohol because bad decisions can taste good.

32

Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one. It's fine to be proud of it.
But please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around.

33

I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes!

38

Everyone is staring at me. It's like they've never seen a crying man stuck in a child's swing

32

I rather have extra fries than exercise.

34

Because fuck you, that's why.

37

Beer is good but beers are better.

32

i'm super lazy today.

which is like normal lazy, but i'm also wearing a cape.

36

Kill them with kindness until they turn their back, then use a knife.

29

30

When life hands you lemons you're probably on drugs 'cause life doesn't have hands.

26

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn't a real sport.

27

The human body is 90% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

32

I'm somewhat embarrassed. I'm pretty sure my neighbor heard me not having sex again last night.

32

Pretending to work all day can be quite exhausting.

32

If she's still ugly after the 7th beer... give up.

37

Always go to bed with a good book. Or with someone who just read one.

33

I'm always hungry, horny or tired. Actually, disregard the 'or' and replace it with an 'and'.

32

I'm going to get a dog and call it naked. Then, I'll go and walk naked down the street...

30

I hate it when I'm drinking and someone is trying to correct my vodkabulary.

37

OH BABY, LET'S BE OUTLAWS.

31

You look tired. I mean you look bad, but it's not your fault I guess.

29

I hear someone screaming!

That's the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store.

23

There's a crying baby on my bus and I'm all "C'mon baby, you're not the one going to work."

32

Vodka shots. Because it's Russia somewhere.

28

I like long walks on the beach and that thing you did with your mouth the other night.

29

In 2025, NASA will land on planet earth to look for humanity.

24

In dog beers...
I've only had
one.

19

34

Menstrual cycle jokes are not funny. Period.

30

I'm terribly busy doing things I don't need to do in order to avoid doing anything I'm supposed to be doing.

31

LOUNDRY SCHEDULE:

Sort - Today
Wash - Later
Fold - Eventually
Iron - Ha Ha

31

30

Trust is for fools and romantics

28

Who's busy shoving a cactus up my ass!?

Ahhh, Monday, it's you again.

29

I was built for pleasure, not productivity.

31

i organized a threesome last night... There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time!

33

Me:
I don't know how to ride a horse

Vodka:
Sure, you do.

23

Shaving your balls is just plain nuts.

25

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does that remind you of your life?

26

I hope the police sketch artist isn't going to be too upset when he finds out I'm just describing my hamster Ralph.

17

Well played vodka, well played...

28

like OMG! this is FANTABULOUS!
you are sooo reading this in a stuck up blonde accent.

32

It's 8pm.

Time to wash our genitals and get ready to party.

28

There's just one feeling better than love and that's finding a toilet when you're having diarrhea.

24

Waiter:
Would you like another drink?

Me:
Are you new?

31

that awkward moment between your birth and your death...

33

women just call me ugly until they know how much money I make.

when they find out, they call me ugly and poor.

31

Wanna read something funny?

Something funny.

32

My followers are prettier than yours!

25

My favorite pickup line: Get in the van...

30

Mama said a penis is like an elbow...
don't put it on the table during lunch.

30

Quick, hold this. It's not my penis this time,
I promise.

27

It's like no one in this library wants to hear me fart.

25

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, you have boobs.

31

Dear boss,

I crashed my camel into a bridge and will be five days late for work.

Sorry.

30

My new neighbor screamed on her back patio that she hates everyone.

I already like her.

21

there are so many creepy people here

25

30

Don't drink and drive
you will spill it

30

single...and too socially awkward to mingle.

18

iSleepy

there's a nap for that

27

others have sex in the kitchen, I eat in bed

30

Just saw an awesome toilette graffiti "The future is in your hands"...

30

"just one drink"

25

Sometimes I drink a glass of water...
just to surprise my liver.

29

Hey, people who don't drink:

What's your excuse for bad behavior?

27

Opinions
are like assholes.
I show mine to everyone at work.

18

HTML is not a sexually transmitted disease.

19

If you want to fire me, tell me one day in advance, so I can put on my Batman costume.

24

Sometimes
I get so excited about going to work that I go to a bar instead.

30

I could totally be a morning person if my coffee maker brewed beer instead of coffee.

20

oral sex is always a great last-minute gift idea

19

You'd look cute in a 'hug-yourself-jacket'

27

I'm tired of getting fucked in ways that dont't end in an orgasm

29

Every action has a sarcastic and genuinly unhelpful reaction.

27

You smell like drama and bad decission, we must have met for a reason.

22

Monday,

what kind of fuckery is this?

24

Uber and Tinder are basically the same thing: You agree to meet a stranger hoping they take you home and you don't fucking die.

30

Everytime you get the "Oooops" message on Boldomatic, an excited NSA agent jerks off.

19

Looking at my watch, yep, it's about time to start slapping people!

26

Just another boring...

No wait
IT'S FRIDAY!

19

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder!

23

21

There is a time and place for whiskey,
in my hands and now.

23

I don't have enough money to go on vacation, so I'm just going to get drunk until I don't know where I am.

24

Getting head from an ugly person is pretty much like rock climbing; the golden rule is to never look down.

23

Doctor, I want a sex change.

From "none" to "some".

26

I have stopped to regret stupid decisions a long time ago.

23

Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcoholic.

24

If you want me to donate money to your cause, dont ask as I'm leaving a supermarket--catch me leaving a bar at 2am.

17

Hi, how much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
But sir...this is a liquor store.

24

My boss' greeting me on Monday "Glad to see you're not in jail". Feels good to exceed expectations.

26

Crazy to think that only a month ago my Big Mac was a horse.

19

jag vill knulla

16

Your farts are like a summer-breeze. And this is a lie.

23

I spend most of my life wishing my phone charger cord was longer.

28

today's hairstyle is called: "and i didn't brush my teeth either"

26

Telling people that the plate is very hot just makes them want to touch it even more. It's science. People are idiots.

28

i just realized that the word 'bed' actually looks like a bed.

26

Let me tell you something about crazy people...
The sex is incredible!

21

If you find me, bring me home.

22

My favorite yoga pose is called

"watching TV"

21

My sexual preference is

often.

20

why don't you slip into something a little more comfortable? like a coma.

23

Friday!

The only two who are not excited about that are my bank account and my liver.

25

All the hours can be happy hour if you are determined enough.

25

I like to compare Mondays with mustaches...

on women.

25

Let's wine about it.

15

My boss does this really cute thing, where she doesn't do anything cute and remains a total bitch instead.

18

If I get any more sober
I may start asking where my pants are.

19

I'm always on the verge of running five miles or drinking a bottle of wine.

21

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

-The mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

25

I hope a clown kills me before the results of the election come in.

26

Worry Less
Smile More.

26

I spent the morning hanging up "Missing cat" posters. Now waiting to get pussy.

26

I made me laugh.

Again.

17

Burned my testicles in the waffle iron. Again. Send help!

25

a ghost could be humping you right now and you wouldnt even know it.

23

21

When I die, fill my browser with porn so that no one sees how obsessed I was with Kittens.

24

We all start as strangers

9

Describe your self in two words.

Lazy.

25

My favourite thing about this sentence is that by the time you realise it's not going anywhere, you've already read it.

25

Dear Voice of Reason, where were you last night?

25

$Make little things count. Teach midgets Math.$

19

May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you're dead.

15

I'm naturally funny because my life is a joke.

25

Has anyone else noted that the symbol '&' looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?

20

When I die, I want my tombstone to read "You're standing on my balls".

22

"VODKA"

Water, but awesome.

24

It's the weekend, time to open a good book or as I like to call it
"a bottle of wine".

20

I only wear a backpack when I'm trying to sneak squirrels into movie theaters.

22

Act innocent. Even if your mind is filthy as fuck.

24

You teach me the rules and I'll teach you to break them.

24

It's no secret that people who don't leave work during lunch are serial killers.

24

Never hit a person lying down - it's a lot easier to kick

24

I need a career change.

I'm looking for something that includes day drinking, no personal interaction, and lots of money.

21

sure, let's keep in touch. i'll send you a fuck you request on Facebook.

21

To my fellow co-workers:

It's not my job to blow sunshine up your ass.

20

You got to BURN
to shine.

21

Imagine the horror of a deaf person learning that farts make sound...

21

I don't always meet a nice girl but when I do I'm drunk.

16

I'm not user friendly at all today.

22

GUESS
WHO'S GET'N
DRUNK TONIGHT

15

How bad do you want it?

22

Whoever is in charge of making sure I don't do stupid shit is fired!

20

On my way out I scared the shit out of my neighbor's cat. "You know what lesbians eat!?"

18

THIS IS A FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT YOU SHOULD THINK OF ME WHEN MASTURBATING.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

17

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday

23

I'd hate to become a zombie mainly because of all the walking.

19

Having eye contact for more than 6 seconds without looking away reveals a desire for sex
- or murder.

18

[coronavirus pandemic diary]

Day 3: I've not had sex in 6 months.

13

Not my circus.
Not my monkeys.

21

Didn't have internet on my phone for the past few hrs. Finally graduated, got married, planted a tree, lost some weight, read 5books, saved the planet AND showered.

20

I think of you with one hand.

17

You know what else is gluten-free at this party? The door.

20

Imagine living in a time where the goal of sex was to have children...

23

If history repeats its self I'm just hoping I won't turn into one of those lame plant eating dinosaurs.

20

Hope is a bitch.

21

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives..

20

The best kind of people are alcohol.

23

Not everyone you lose is a loss.

Unless it's me, then you fucked up.

23

A frozen burrito would make a better President than Donald Trump.

23

Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.

23

Friday is my sunshine

17

Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

15

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

19

I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you're good with grammar, you'll get it.

12

learning rap lyrics so i can surprise people during car rides.

22

I name this fart after you

18

I feel like I should study so I am going to lay down until the feeling passes.

22

Your goddess filter is cool, but you can do other things with your phone like call your mom to thank her for dealing with your narcissism.

20

It's not the dress that makes you look fat!

It's the fat.

21

Kudos to the astronauts who left our fucked up planet today. We all need a little more space.

14

doesn't matter if you're a lion or a gazelle, everyone has to run to survive the safari of life

20

just drown me in coffee

20

I hate it when the world moves on without my prior approval.

21

If you don't remember yesterday today, then you must have done something last night very wrong very right.

22

*goes to gym

untangles earbuds for 45 minutes

goes home

22

Spilled gin tonic on my new computer and I was terrified but thankfully it did not ruin the drink.

21

My hangover lasted longer than my resolution.

22

If I found a bag of cash in the streets, it'd be hard to decide whether to take it or leave it. I hate carrying things.

13

Lucky you're out of Fuck reach.

17

I can't follow ugly people, I'm sorry. If I'm following you, you sexy.

20

Exhausted after a long, hard day of getting out of bed.

21

BEING ON FACEBOOK
IS NOT COOL
ANYMORE

18

the head is round, so the thinking can change direction

21

CHAOS

IS A
LIFESTYLE

16

This beer tastes like future bad decisions.

18

14

Fucks are not given, they're earned.

21

Reta has 18 snickers.

She eats 4 and trades 8 for 10 Mars.

She sells 6 of them and buys 4 Big Macs.

Why is she wearing leggings?

14

It's like your husband doesn't even care about my feelings.

20

"Missing you as well honey..."

*clicks tab back to porn

17

if britney spears made it through 2007 then you can make it through this day.

20

What's more awkward, the first kiss or the first fart?

21

The best thing about being a porn actress is that you can be rude at a restaurant and there's really nothing the staff can put in your food for revenge.

21

I read my order for 6 burritos from a list I prepared so the Chipotle lady thinks they're for multiple people.

13

I'm off to work again. These piles of tasks aren't going to ignore themselves.

13

Is it kiss me under the mistletoe, or camel toe?

20

Unconcious girls don't say no.

17

I'm honestly convinced some women don't fart. They just store it up, and it comes out as drama.

21

Sorry I wrote "Humans are not biologically programmed to be monogamous," on your wedding card.

21

Snakes don't have arms. Just one of the reasons they suck at bowling.

21

More coffee or a gun...
tough decisions on a Monday morning.

20

You clean up well, but I love it when you're dirty.

21

There are lots of ways to show someone you love them.

Fucking is my favorite.

19

It's so damn cold outside,
I just farted snowflakes.

16

19

Someone please get up and pee for me. I'm too lazy.

20

Hey ISIS, I'm drunk in a bar in Ireland listening to good music with my hot wife who's wearing a tight shirt.

Fuck you.

19

My dad taught to always wear a condom because women carry diseases like babies and not shutting up.

15

You dont hate facebook, you just hate people.

20

That disappointing moment you get to work, and the building is not on fire.

18

i don't hate you...
i'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

19

I just had a near sex experience.

20

Fat people are harder to kidnap.

15

When I was ten, the Soviet Union collapsed but I had nothing to do with it, I swear.

20

If you ever see me smiling on a Monday, you'll know that an alien has killed me and it's wearing my skin as a disguise.

16

The problem with diets is pizza.

19

Make love, not whatever *that is.

18

Help me get my arm out of the vending machine.

20

Vaginas and alcohol make the world go round.

20

I feel sorry for people who don't know me.

20

Fuck soulmates.

I need a liver transplant.

14

I hate when
I wake up on Saturday morning and it's Monday.

20

let's get fucked up

17

I followed my heart and found myself at the liquor store. Again.

20

I don't like dating women who draw on their eyebrows. It's hard to get those stains out of your underwear.

20

You ask me how to kill your headache:
Use a gun.

19

The Bold Side of Life

19

People come into your life for a reason. It's quite annoying.

19

the difference between a man and a women is what they think of when they hear the word facial.

17

It's no depression, I just really like my bed.

20

Happy Monday!

Unless we used to date.

13

My laundry method rocks. If it's clean, it's on the floor. If it's dirty, it's also on the floor.

13

Is "ea" 69 for midgets?

15

Today.
Two words.
One finger.

19

Roses are red, violets are blue,
vodka is cheaper than dinner for two.

19

F
RI
DAY
SEXY
TIMES

15

I'm at work with my eyes open but I'm not participating.

19

dont drink and drive.
drink, just drink

19

The fuck
I don't give comes from the bottom of my heart.

16

Look at you dirty dishes, nobody is doing me either.

11

When you vote for Trump you get a $5 Walmart gift card and a pack of condoms so you don't get your sister pregnant.

17

Dear Scarlett Johansson,

please put me on your bucket list.

19

I like to show up at meetings with a glass of water and an olive in it.

18

Don't call me. Alcohol you later!

19

You know those Sex Houses, the little wooden houses with the hole for your dick that people hang in trees?
Apparently those are for birds.

9

That single spoon in the sink always has a story to tell.

18

Dear automatic flushing toilet,

I appreciate your enthusiasm...
but I wasn't finished.

18

Ask her if she's into tentacle porn BEFORE you throw an octopus onto the bed.

I know this now.

19

Shit could be worse, porn could be fattening.

13

I'd pretend to give up porn for you

19

If you see a guy over the age of 40 wearing a backpack, there's a 84% chance his name is Norman.

17

I'M NOT WAVING

I AM DROWNING

18

I'll tell you my sins, so you can sharpen your knife.

19

The '<3's and ';-)'s are the herpes of what could have been a post to like.

12

Your therapist lied.
The real answer is weed.

19

Can you hear the rain?
Bitch
Bitch
Bitch...

17

Alright brain, I got it,
I don't like you and you don't like me.

19

Friday,
you're the vodka to my tonic.

16

...and then Monday just slaps you really hard.

19

I just ignored the L and R on my headphones.

Who's a rebel?

19

I'm going to name my first child FRIDAY.

16

How to get laid:

Lay on bed.
Wait for 1hr.
Lay becomes past tense.

17

All my guardian angel does is posting fail-videos on youtube.

13

It's partytime! Just remember, if you're the only one on the dance floor and there is no dance floor, you're an alcoholic.

17

Everyone is getting married at me.

18

I have lots of sex

way over 20 GB.

15

It's Friday and I'm not feeling like going out

of this bar ever again.

18

Blaming all Muslims for terrorism is like blaming all musicians for Nickelback.

17

What doesn't heal you makes you more human.

15

step out of your comfort zone.

18

Håber mit største ønske går i opfyldelse <3

14

Due to unfortunate circumstances,
I am sober as I'm writing this.

18

Accidentally spilled nutella on myself, ladies!?

18

If you're ever wondering 'Should I chicken sandwich or not?' Always chicken sandwich.

15

Bumping into your ex or as I call it: Zombie apocalypse

18

R E C K L E S S

F R I D A Y

15

YOU'RE TOO HOT TO BE THAT COLD

18

What doesn't kill you, makes you hungover.

18

"For my next trick, I will turn this entire paycheck into fast food and booze."

-Me as magician

18

Blondes have more fun, except when they're drowning or getting eaten by tigers.

18

*currently out of order

18

"What's on your mind?"

Fuck you Facebook, if
I only knew...

12

I followed my heart and ended up at the liquor store.

18

Stop
worrying & complaining.

Start
yelling & biting.

15

Ben Affleck to play Batman. What's next? Stephen Hawking as Juliet?

16

Listen to your bank account and stay at home, stupid!

- Your liver

17

they handcuffed me and said "anything you say can and will be held against you" so I said "johnny depp".

17

Reality
is frequently inaccurate.

16

What doesn't kill you will only make you whinier.

14

I'm pretty sure the beer is super excited it will see me tonight.

17

Nothing wrong with a good man who knows when to go to bed.

17

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