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My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said; "no, we all seem to enjoy it"

363

I Was Born To Be Awesome, Not Perfect.

120

Yeah, you're pretty from a distance...
at night... under a rock.

84

Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car saying: " I know what you did"

70

-Police: 'Knock Knock'
-Me: Who is it?
-Police: It's the Police!
-Me: What do you want?
-P: We just wanna talk.
-M: How many of you are there?
-P: 2
-M: Then Talk to each other

102

The downside to having a good sense of humour and being able to laugh at yourself, is that people think you can't be hurt.

86

TREAT ME LIKE A JOKE, AND I'LL LEAVE YOU LIKE IT'S FUNNY.....

79

YESTERDAY
I REALLY WANTED A BURRITO.
TODAY I AM EATING A BURRITO.
FOLLOW YOUR FUCKING DREAMS.

37

ain't it funny that someday i'll be a couple of photos you forgot to delete

39

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once!

63

I'm so hungry I could eat my own cooking!

55

Remember, there are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for you.

Push and Pull.

26

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