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Me: I want a magical unicorn for Christmas!

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: OK, I want 5 minutes to myself each day to have my coffee hot and pee in peace.

Santa: What colour unicorn would you like?

96

Don't like sex? Don't have it.
Don't like drugs? Don't use them.
Don't like abortions? Don't have one.
Don't like cigarettes? Don't smoke one.
Don't like gay marriage? Don't get one.
Don't like porn? Don't watch it.
Don't like alcohol? Don't drink it.
Don't like guns? Don't buy one.

Don't like your rights taken away?
Then don't take someone else's.

79

The downside to having a good sense of humour and being able to laugh at yourself, is that people think you can't be hurt.

86

my only regret is I didn't tell more people to fuck off

57

Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.

31

Having so much to say and deciding to say nothing.

37

There are no bad friends,
there are wrong choices.

41

let's all take a moment and send hugs to PenSword72!

33

A beautiful face cannot hide an ugly heart for long. Who you are on the inside will eventually show up on the outside.

26

The brain trying to understand itself.

42

Thank you for being the only person I talk to instead of about.

29

missing someone is your heart's way of reminding you that you love them

33

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