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Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
patrick goes to confession says: 4give me father 4 i have sinned- i have been with a loose woman. priest says: patrick callahan is that u? patrick says yes father. priest says was it linda calhoun? pat says i cannot say father i dont want to ruin her reputation. priest goes on to name 4 more, each time pat refuses to say. priest says: well patrick, if youve been w a loose woman n wont say who, then you cant be an altar boy 4 4 months. after confession, his buddy tim said: what did you get? patrick says: 4 months vacation and 5 good leads!
Dear Over-Bearing Sports Parent,

Your constant yelling of directions to your kid kills trust - trust in their coach, trust in themselves and trust in your ability to give direction. Just shut the fuck up and allow the coach to do the job they have volunteered to do.
How much truth can you handle?
I will be posting telepathically today.

So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Over the course of my half-century of meandering experience I've done many things for money I'm not proud about. Like getting up early and going to work.
People who say they don't have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better - wake up an hour earlier!
it is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.
it is beauty which captures your attention, but personality which captures your heart.
It's a 5 min walk from my house to the pub.

It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.
When love makes your heart take flight, it's difficult to come back down to Earth.
When I say "we'll see", there's a 100% chance it's not happening. I may even throw in a "oh, that sounds like fun!" for decoration, but it's still not happening.
I met my wife at a singles night.

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids...
do me a favor...stand up and walk to wherever the nearest window is, and just look outside: you may not know this, but there is an entire planets-worth of summers, friends, sunsets, street lamps, songs, late nights, great films and night skies waiting for you. your life is as amazing as you want it to be, but first you have to let it be that way.
"Wir sind jetzt 10 Jahre zusammen. Möchtest du meine Frau....?"

"Jaaaa! Ich will!"

".... Endlich kennenlernen?"
There are three types of people:

         Dream maker
      Dream catcher
       Dream stealer

Which are you?
work sucks. thats why it isnt called fun.
I'm not on anyone's side

I'm on the edge, and edges don't have sides


I OFFERED A TEDDY BEAR DINNER,
BUT HE SAID NO THANKS I'M ALREADY STUFFED.
i don't understand why i have to accept everyone as they are, 
but i have to change, 
because everything i do upsets them.
what sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. these are but trifles, to be sure; but scattered along lifes pathways, the good they do is inconceivable.
DRINK COFFEE!

Do stupid things faster with more energy!
knowing whats right doesnt mean much unless you do whars right
The lights from Las Vegas are so bright that when I walked outside after dinner it still looked like twilight outside and not 8 PM.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
I met my wife at a singles night.

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids...
Did you know, the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer is the taste?
I saw a book the other day that said "How To Solve 50 Percent Of Your Problems", so I bought two copies. Only after I got home did I realize how stupid that was. I should have just bought one copy and read it twice, duh! 

Stupid, stupid, stupid!
SOMETIMES THE THINGS THAT HOLD YOU BACK ARE ONLY IN YOUR HEAD...
"For I was conscious that I knew practically nothing"
I'm not everyone's cup of tea, I'm more like a jar of moonshine.
You are rich as a person when you can afford to be generous.
"Wir sind jetzt 10 Jahre zusammen. Möchtest du meine Frau....?"

"Jaaaa! Ich will!"

".... Endlich kennenlernen?"
what sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. these are but trifles, to be sure; but scattered along lifes pathways, the good they do is inconceivable.
its not easy being pretty.... and its not pretty being easy
enjoy your youth. you will never be younger than you are at this very moment.
do me a favor...stand up and walk to wherever the nearest window is, and just look outside: you may not know this, but there is an entire planets-worth of summers, friends, sunsets, street lamps, songs, late nights, great films and night skies waiting for you. your life is as amazing as you want it to be, but first you have to let it be that way.
Mein Körper ist ein Tempel.









Antik. Verfallen.
Möglicherweise verflucht.
Them: 
you're insane


Me: thanks for understanding
Banks should do a better job of keeping their ATM's filled.

This is the fifth one I've been to that says 'Insufficient funds'.
0h, ein Kommunist hat mich bei facebook geaddet...


Leningrad ab.
whe worst thing you can do while cleaning is to stop for a second.
if you say that everything that's done in the world is for the best, then stay in bed and do nothing, the world may just become a little better.
there are three things you can watch forever: 
the fire burning, the water flowing, and your car registration and a bunch of hundred dollar bills floating in the washing machine.
adriatic. a local fishing boat. three people in it: one constantly bails out water, the other two pull out patched-up nets with a rich catch. next to it is a luxurious snow-white ocean yacht. a top model is sunbathing on the stern. on the bow is the owner of the yacht with a super-fashionable, fancy spinning rod. catches one puny fish an hour. he looks longingly at the large catch of local fishermen and says resentfully: "why do some get everything and others- nothing?"

 ach,
 wat!
and close paradise
Childhood memories are like little pictures or notes that pop up in our minds. 

They don't always tell a whole story but give us small pieces, like parts of a puzzle. 

Sometimes they remind us of smells, sounds, or feelings, and we try to put them together to understand what happened, even though they don't always fit perfectly.

It's not illegal. It's just frowned upon. Like masturbating on an airplane.
laundry today 
or 
naked tomorrow
You look like something 
I draw with my left hand.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying,

"I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
Whenever I delete an app on my phone, 
the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed •
My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said; "no, we all seem to enjoy it"
I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.





     LISTEN TO SILENCE
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything
I love waving at random people,  because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.

If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself
Voices in your head - normal

Listening to them - common

Arguing with them - acceptable

Losing the argument - BIG PROBLEM
i just burnt my tongue on some food 

they say the ones you love hurt you the most


THIS "NORMAL" YOU SPEAK OF DOESN'T SOUND FUN AT ALL.

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Sun goes down earlier for short people.


If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
justice is
a beautiful concept.
unicorns too.
I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty 


and I could not have described it any better
Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.
10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion. 

90% are due to wrong tone of voice.
I like to be alone. 
But I would rather be alone with you.
i've
fallen
in love
with you,

but you
don't exist.