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what if all of the indiana jones movies are just dreams that han solo has while he's frozen in carbonate?
Do more things that make you forget to check your phone
never underestimate the power of stupid people in a large group.
I'm spending the year dead for tax reasons
A friend told his wife "when I die, I hope to die while making love" She replied "well, at least we know your death will be quick"
Managing is just great prompt engineering... with a human touch.
DON'T OFFER A LECTURE TO A PERSON WHO NEEDS A HUG .
I love being single. I can be friends with so many people. And we can stay friends, because they don't have to put up with me full time. .......... :)
Don't hesitate. fumigate.
I met my wife at a singles night. ...I was surprised, as I thought she was at home with the kids.
When you lose track of time, things begin to flow.
I want treats, cuddles,naps and exercise Basically I am a puppy
IT'S AMAZING HOW FAST YOUR MOOD CAN CHANGE AFTER YOU STEP IN WATER WITH SOCKS ON!!
* * ** B *o * * ^ * * / \ * * * * I__ l d * * l I l I l o / \ / /Illll\ \ m / / 00 \ \ a 00 t 00 i 00 c Our imagination takes flight!!!!
This house will never feel like home
Happy Earth Day Enjoy Earth while you can
YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, SIMBA, MAKUNA MY TATAS •¿•
A liar will get angry with you for knowing the truth
Your secrets safe with me I probably wasn't listening
MAY DO ABORTION OPPONENTS ACTUALLY EAT EGGS?
Before you fuck a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are
You know you're old when you get up in the morning and the first thing you do is make noise.
IF YOU'RE FEELING A SUDDEN CALM. IT'S BECAUSE I TOOK YOUR VOODOO DOLL OUT FOR A PICNIC ON A GRASSY HILL. YOU'RE WELCOME!!!
IF YOU'VE NEVER JUMPED FROM ONE COUCH TO THE OTHER TO AVOID THE LAVA YOU'VE NEVER HAD A CHILDHOOD!!
Push to open If that doesn't work Pull to open If that doesn't work use the actual entrance over there--->
Aus Möwen kann man keinen Saft machen.
RTL ist wie Fukushima. Die strahlen solange aus, bis alle behindert sind...
"Sure you should eat that?" "No the unsureness makes it new and exciting!" "I like to run through traffic" "You ever stand in front of a car 'til it almost hits you, then fly up real quick?" "Oh hell yeah! " "Yeah!" Crows in the middle of the road
you are not obligated to be the person you were 5 minutes ago
IN RUHE GELASSEN WERDEN IST GUT. DURCH RUHE GELASSEN WERDEN IST BESSER.
It will never be perfect. And therein lies a form of relief.
Stop blaming yourself for your failures. Learn astrology and blame the planets!
In the abstraction of the moment lies the distraction of time...
the hardest part about learning ethics is finding out that somehow, in some way, you are a horrible person.
Before you fuck a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are
I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke
"It's 3am. What are you doing?" Me: betting on the German pretzel cutting championships
always part and fart with loving words
Discipline is the bridge between intentions and accomplishments.
our body's ability to store a potentially fatal amount of fat is a survival mechanism.
Bird on the fence post Giving me the eye- I don't get involved; I just walk on by.
You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequences of your choice. ~ Ezra Taft Benson
getting a compliment is less about how great you are and more about how kind and observant the person who gave the compliment is.
at some point, our parents stopped keeping track of our bowel movements.
the vast majority of people don't know you exist.
weekends are only 1 day long and there are two of them a week.
it is never too late to become unhealthily obsessed with a niche television show that went off the air years ago.
nowaday's a robot has the nerve to ask me if i'm a robot.
It's not illegal. It's just frowned upon. Like masturbating on an airplane.
laundry today or naked tomorrow
You look like something I draw with my left hand.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying, "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
Whenever I delete an app on my phone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed •
My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said; "no, we all seem to enjoy it"
I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT
If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
LISTEN TO SILENCE
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything
I love waving at random people, because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.
If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself
Voices in your head - normal Listening to them - common Arguing with them - acceptable Losing the argument - BIG PROBLEM
i just burnt my tongue on some food they say the ones you love hurt you the most
THIS "NORMAL" YOU SPEAK OF DOESN'T SOUND FUN AT ALL.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Sun goes down earlier for short people.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
justice is a beautiful concept. unicorns too.
I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty and I could not have described it any better
Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.
10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion. 90% are due to wrong tone of voice.
I like to be alone. But I would rather be alone with you.
i've fallen in love with you, but you don't exist.
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