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Posts Liked by savagefiend

A group of kids is called a migraine.

49

Someone told me I'm immature.

Guess whose not allowed in my tree house?

84

Whoever created the five day work week was probably friends with the asshole that invented pants.

41

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers.

63

The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.

99

I heard you should question everything, but why?

31

Did you know, that 3-4 glasses of wine per day can reduce your risk of giving a shit.

36

relationship starts with ...
"can we talk?"

and ends with ...
"we need to talk."

40

Sometimes, I sneak up on my alarm clock in the middle of the night and yell "HOW DOES IT FEEL BITCH"

109

My friend said only onions made him cry, so I threw a melon at his face.

93

What if when we die the light at the end of the tunnel we see is just us being pushed out of another vagina?

33

Lets lay in bed all day, and trade sexual favours, for trips to the fridge.

39

my ex has one very annoying habit.

breathing.

100

It's not that I'm tired.

It's just that I don't like standing on my feet with my eyes open.

36

I have to stop saying
"How stupid can you be?".

I think people are starting to take it as a challenge.

172

Yeah, you're pretty from a distance...
at night... under a rock.

83

Have you ever looked at someone and thought...

'Yep... you have a person locked in your basement.'

163

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive:

"Hi".

56

If you walk like a duck and you talk like a duck you're drunk. Ducks don't talk.

62

and I drink to myself...

what a wonderful world

37

Oh, you're dating my ex?

Cool, I'm eating a sandwich.
Want those leftovers too?

117

You're not fat! C'mon, chin up.

No, the other one...

31

I'll have a café mocha vodka valium latte to go please.

240

See you all in church.

Just kidding, meet you at the bar.

72

He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him and I'll ask him again when he wakes up. ..

76

If you have to ask if it's too early to drink wine, you're an amateur and we can't be friends.

40

Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

70

No matter what kind of instant noodles you buy, they all taste like poverty and loneliness.

71

we had been trying to be adults for so long, and it wasn't until we were 18 and laying on the bathroom floor drunk that we realized that age is just a number and reality is learning that there is no such thing as being an adult, you only grow older, and if you're lucky,
a little wiser

41

Wow, that was rather inappropriate.

Let's be friends.

91

MAYBE SHE'S BORN WITH IT,
MAYBE IT'S AN INSTAGRAM FILTER.

41

Do you believe in miracles?

Me neither.

I believe in risks, faith and tequila.

55

Here's to the nights that turned into mornings with the friends that turned into family.
Cheers to you.

77

If someone points at your black clothes and asks, whos funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, 'haven't decided yet.'

38

I still have no idea why it's called a beauty sleep when you wake up looking like a fuckin' troll!

168

I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.

74

Hey, what's the Wi-Fi password?

Idiot, we're at a funeral!

All in one Word?

54

I 'm gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer's.

53

i have this bumper sticker that says "honk if you think i'm sexy" and then i wait at green lights until i feel better about myself.

135

The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success

57

I had a great time last night...well thats what the police report says.

36

I'm not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan woke up on my couch and won't make eye contact with me...

60

Can't get out of bed.

Send help....,
or waffles.

Just send waffles.

65

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.

167

Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested.

125

I'M ON THAT NEW DIET WHERE YOU EAT EVERYTHING AND HOPE FOR A BIG MIRACLE.

57

Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don't get. Those who do are smiling right now.

68

Some talk to you in their free time
&
some free time to talk to you

50

I don't have any bad habits.

I am good at all of them.

140

if energy can neither be created nor destroyed, what if our souls are a fragmented collection of other people's souls from the past and future? what if our dreams are their memories?

70

I need a hug or 6 shots of vodka.

90

Don't be ashamed of who you are.

That's your parents job.

82

I followed my heart and it led me into the fridge.

61

it's not a Sunday unless you completely waste it then feel really sad around 8pm

34

A world

with a little less selfies

and a little more selfless.

78

That moment between Netflix episodes where you see your reflection on the black screen and wonder what the fuck you're doing with your life

118

recently, i called my mother at 3 am. just to let her know how it is, when she calls me on sunday 1 pm.

74

It's better to be late, than to arrive ugly.

190

Let's be nothing, I heard it lasts forever.

94

Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.....apparently "in HD" was not the right answer...

106

Ironically, the fight between the mind and the heart always ends up hurting the liver.

82

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis!

111

I live for the nights that I can't remember with the people I won't forget.

97

I wish I had boobs so people would stop making eye contact with me.

146

Don't judge a person for drinking and swearing, judge the quiet sober ones.
Those fuckers are up to something.

113

It's almost Valentine's Day and everyone wants to fall in love.

I just want to accidently slip and fall into a large pile of money.

16

*sorry,
can't, have
to catch up on my drinking tonight.

14

Remember:

Everything (still) counts.

14

I recently saw a report that says having 100 orgasms a year can help you live longer.

Live long and prosper, people...

13

Want breakfast in bed?

Sleep in the kitchen!

27

if coffee were my boyfriend i'd swallow

13

i understand, i just don't care.

14

um, I'm probably not the best example to follow.

14

thousands of my potential children died on your face last night.

16

I'm not very good with advice, can i interest you in a sarcastic comment.

18

Velcro is a

ripoff.

20

Live your life like a movie.
And you be the star.

23

I'm an asshole. if you don't want your feelings hurt, walk away.

19

so, i would like to take this time to assure you i will be the same smartass i've always been.

11

They say I act like
I don't give a fuck..
I tell them I'm not acting •

19

lost in sarcasm, don't try and make sense

19

dolphins

nothing more than just gay sharks.

13

I didn't give a fuck.
Then I drank RedBull, now I don't give a flying fuck.

17

the drunk me is actually the same as the sober me,
only 2times as honest and 10times as horny

36

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