GaylrdSprFckr's Posts

better food finer poop

#healthy, #throne, #affairs

boldino, Roel, buzzielizzy, JMBis, prubton, ZeepBella, damon.lindsay2, BoldDelight, UserOne, AndSheCame and 2 others like this

the medical term for gluten allergy is pasta la vista, baby.

#science, #vocabulary

buzzielizzy, UserOne, BoldDelight, petegutz2, CurrentNobody, Fionacatherine and DominicLomax like this

I believe in ham

buzzielizzy, stargater, UserOne and Fionacatherine like this

just tested negative for any fucks to give

Ziya, DropMeaning, UserOne, BoldDelight, petegutz2, CurrentNobody, Fionacatherine, DominicLomax and AndSheCame like this

I just learnt that otters rape baby seals and thought you should know too

#extra

jackass, UserOne, Fionacatherine, ZeepBella and CurrentNobody like this

Looking for a good way to teach kids about the brutal consequences of violence?

Fill the next birthday pinata with goat intestines.

#works, #miracles

UserOne, ZeepBella, CurrentNobody and Fionacatherine like this

Most people at my gym go and lift the big weights. They don't seem to know that the smaller ones are much lighter and easier to lift.

#gym, #idiots, @Fionacatherine

UserOne, iam_diran, AndSheCame, CurrentNobody, Fionacatherine and BoldDelight like this

It's simple,
go vote or go fuck yourself.

#govote

stargater, BoldDelight, rachelfox, albiin, Authlander, UserOne, Juli7 and CurrentNobody like this

Good sex or bad sex, I always scream.

It's because I'm afraid of the dark.

#dark, #screams

Sasquatchprime, Fionacatherine, CurrentNobody, busylizzie, Demetrius and timothy21 like this

I don't remember what I wanted to be be when I grew up but I'm sure it wasn't 'that'.

#plans, #life

JamieLeeSmith, BoldDelight, Authlander, UserOne, DominicLomax and Ziya like this

God sex or bad sex, I always scream.

It's because I'm afraid of the dark.

#NoFilter

timothy21, UserOne, AndSheCame and Ziya like this

I made a fruitloop necklace for my tinder date. She can wear it or strangle me, I'm up for both.

#DIY, #epic, #present

Lark, DominicLomax, Fionacatherine and CurrentNobody like this

My life smells like a fart in the summer rain.

#rain

Juli7, Fionacatherine and CurrentNobody like this

Kudos to the astronauts who left our fucked up planet today. We all need a little more space.

#SpaceX, #space, #Earth

ingenborg, petegutz2, busylizzie, CandleTear, Sherry89, PennyLame, barbaresco, rudeboy, DominicLomax, Ziya and 4 others like this

reposted by Sasquatchprime and FightClub

This quarantine shit is annoying as hell.

I miss most to floss on the train.

#ewww, #Routine, #empty, #Seat, #Covid, #Coronatails

UserOne, wizlosophy, kenwats, CurrentNobody and sudeshnarocks like this

That virus really got around. Just like your mom.

Fionacatherine and Juli7 like this

Friends are like assholes. I haven't seen mine for quite some time.

#Friends, #quarantine

bisdenndann, CurrentNobody, timothy21, sudeshnarocks and Fionacatherine like this

"The beauty of me is that I'm very rich."

- D. Trump

#potus

BoldDelight, UserOne and Fionacatherine like this

I'm starting to hear voices in my head...

It's either this or the guy in the trunk just woke up.

#voices

Juli7, kenwats and UserOne like this

Tested positive for drunk writing nothing special.

Juli7, kenwats, UserOne and Fionacatherine like this

The first thing I'm going to do is drive straight to you. I'll probably stop at a bar first.

stargater, eboy, JodieT, UserOne, shespeaks94, Fionacatherine and CurrentNobody like this

My guardian angel watches too much porn.

#pornhub, #premium, #crisis

guzfox, kenwats, UserOne, stargater, CurrentNobody, timothy21 and Fionacatherine like this

Have we tried thoughts and prayers yet?

guzfox, prakhar007fly, timothy21, AndSheCame and CurrentNobody like this

reposted by CurrentNobody

Have the Americans tried shooting the virus yet?

guzfox, UserOne, timothy21, CurrentNobody and Juli7 like this

having a fork in your bed is part of the pandemic preparedness
plan

guzfox, timothy21, CurrentNobody and Juli7 like this

[coronavirus pandemic diary]

Day 3: I've not had sex in 6 months.

#Twitter, #RT, @david8hughes

guzfox, irony, eulekauzig, shespeaks94, Stig300, DominicLomax, Ziya, Fionacatherine, UserOne, timothy21 and 3 others like this

reposted by UserOne and Hannah69

Has anyone tried tossing a virgin redhead into a volcano yet?

#cure, #corona

guzfox, shespeaks94, tide, Campo, EmilyHeller, perellano, BoldDelight, Hank-the-knife, Boldomatic, petegutz2 and 8 others like this

reposted by timothy21 and Boldomatic

The coronavirus made me a better person.

#itislike

Authlander and CurrentNobody like this

Since I started wearing a beekeepers helmet in the office, people finally leave me alone.

AndSheCame, UserOne and CurrentNobody like this

Tired of small talk with people?

Use finger guns.

UserOne, bold, Campo, locupleto, karlokoenig and CurrentNobody like this

reposted by CurrentNobody and monsieur

Nobody asked Alicia's keys if they wanted the attention.

#itislike

TimBuktu, UserOne, CurrentNobody and Fionacatherine like this

Wellness is a state of balance between yin and yang.

It's like you not getting nervous about my hefty erection, while I steal your M&M's.

#itislike

Authlander, UserOne, CurrentNobody and Fionacatherine like this

I hope some of you make it to next year.

#happy2020

stargater, swatchUSA, Juli7, roosterbear, Lirpae.., UserOne, Fionacatherine, AndSheCame and CurrentNobody like this

2019: fascism, hate and stupidity

2020:
open buffet

#happy2020

UserOne, sss63, Fionacatherine and CurrentNobody like this

Mum just called, asking weird questions about timetravel and abortions again.

iam_diran, Sasquatchprime, UserOne, MyM, CurrentNobody and Fionacatherine like this

Well, well, well.

Why don't you take your jolly Christmas spirit and go finger an elf.

#provocative

iam_diran, bold, UserOne, CurrentNobody and Sasquatchprime like this

Why fall in love when you can fall in lube?

#provocative

kenwats, bold, CurrentNobody, Fionacatherine and itsme. like this

reposted by itsme.

It's all fun and games until someone loses grandpa at the strip club

#again

Fionacatherine, BoldDelight, UserOne, Sasquatchprime, kenwats, CurrentNobody and itsme. like this

The fiercest storms rise from the calmest farts.

#booom, #storm, #echo, #silent, #noise

AndSheCame, UserOne and CurrentNobody like this

"I want us to be more than just friends."

"How about cousins?"

#wanting, #more

eulekauzig, Fionacatherine, juliettebravo, karlokoenig, Sherry89, busylizzie, stargater, JamieLeeSmith, UserOne, timothy21 and 1 other like this

reposted by busylizzie

Caught your grandma cheating at bingo. Slag.

busylizzie, PartSignal, UserOne, timothy21 and CurrentNobody like this

Beer never broke my heart.

#cheers, #salut, #viva, #truelove

comanzatara, timothy21, JodieT, UserOne, CurrentNobody and codytatman like this

I took one of those DNA tests for you, turns out you're a cunt.

#vulgar

petegutz2, Fionacatherine, Ziya, UserOne, perellano, blackboxmagic, timothy21, JodieT and mediadeo like this

Let me play your pussy like a banjo.

#vulgar

Ziya, UserOne, timothy21 and JodieT like this

You and I go together like single men and hand lotion on the bedside table.

#vulgar

UserOne, timothy21 and JodieT like this

[Being arrested]

Cop: you have the right to r-

Me: rise and shine?

Cop: no.

Me: [sets panda costume on fire]

Brunobb, UserOne, timothy21 and JodieT like this

Life's gonna fuck you and it's going in dry, deep and through the backdoor.

#stupid

UserOne, timothy21 and CurrentNobody like this

Sometimes the love of your life comes after you burned your tongue on some Pepperoni Pizza. Yes, I'd like to order another cold beer please.

#stupid

UserOne, locupleto and CurrentNobody like this

People who don't know the difference between their and they're...

Their all idiots.

#mostannoying

sudeshnarocks, UserOne, kenwats, blackboxmagic, Juli7, BoldDelight and CurrentNobody like this

If you want her to stay, swallow her jewellery.

#mostannoying, #lifehack

UserOne, kenwats, Hank-the-knife, BoldDelight and CurrentNobody like this

reposted by CurrentNobody

finding inner peace and redemption in

whoopsy doopsy

#conspiracy

sudeshnarocks, JodieT and CurrentNobody like this

What I lack in personality, I make up for in absolutely zero other ways.

#lack, #that

Fionacatherine, BoldDelight, CurrentNobody and sudeshnarocks like this

We're all idiots it's not a competition.

#jealous

Fionacatherine, CurrentNobody, sudeshnarocks and Campo like this

Rise and shine assholes,
it's time to disappoint your family.

#rise, #shine, #wakeup

curvema, Fionacatherine, BoldDelight, CurrentNobody, sudeshnarocks and Roel like this

I'm not ignoring you. See, here's a "Fuck you" just for you.

sawei, A.M., stargater, UserOne, EzE2422, perellano, wizlosophy, Sasquatchprime, MyM, kenwats and 4 others like this

reposted by DarkBlack

Dear lovely person who left the moussaka in the office kitchen unattended...

It was delicious.

Sincerely,
Happy Me

#CatchMeIfYouCan

CurrentNobody, UserOne, AndSheCame and kenwats like this

Stay strong. The world has seen worse.

Like the one time Ivanka caught Donny in the shower where he mimicked the trade war with China using his ballsack.

#Trump, #naked, #News, #lost, #inspirational, #ballsofregret

PublicScratch, iam_diran, kenwats and Authlander like this

molested by fate

and pizza crust

sarcaSM, kenwats, UserOne and Authlander like this

Thank you Vice President Greedy Useless Everyone-Hates-You for your unprovoked invitation to join your wife's Fundraiser Event on Saturday. I'm truly honored and grateful but I'd rather suck off a rabid coyote than join you lacoste wearing cunts in the jolly attempt to appear as decent human beings.

#Draft, #saved

UserOne likes this

I'm no Britney Spears' but I've had a fair share of meltdowns.

#confession

UserOne and sudeshnarocks like this

I had this dream again where I got laid by a giant lasagna named Beth.

CurrentNobody and kenwats like this

Let's not forget to set aside time each and every day to focus on what truely pisses you off.

Orkid, UserOne, iam_diran, CurrentNobody, Belieber1994 and kenwats like this

Fuck me I had such a horrible day. But at least I'm also broke and out of shape.

Orkid, MyM, petegutz2, Sasquatchprime, CurrentNobody, stargater and kenwats like this

reposted by Sasquatchprime

I feel like fuckingCeline Dion.

#Celine, #YouWithMe

kenwats, wookie and CurrentNobody like this

Every little thing about you excites the fuck out of me.

#FeelingCute

bold, comanzatara, stargater, AndSheCame, CurrentNobody, Acataphasja and Krusa like this

Every time someone likes this, my tits get a little bigger.

#FeelingCute

Orkid, bold, Leanne, PublicScratch, UserOne, mediadeo, AndSheCame, CurrentNobody and Krusa like this

My girlfriend is like a mortgage company, she wants everything and more.

#high, #maintenance, #loan

JodieT, timothy21, UserOne, CurrentNobody, dannyzee and Krusa like this

Mayonnaise is not a sport?

#BookTitle, #Guinnes, #Cook

bold, Campo, stargater, JodieT, UserOne, timothy21, CurrentNobody, dannyzee and Krusa like this

Yoga pants often answer questions I didn't ask.

Reposted from schnudelhupf

#PLO, @schnudelhupf

SourceBlack, Orkid, JodieT, UserOne, CurrentNobody and crafty like this

I only nosedive into fresh, warm garbage.

#diva, #raccoon

JodieT, CurrentNobody, crafty, Authlander and Krusa like this

*due to personal reasons I will be staying at home tomorrow and watch porn*

#diva, #DearBoss

gizmo2705, bold, petegutz2, busylizzie, JodieT, Andromenadda, siouxz, AndSheCame, CurrentNobody, UserOne and 3 others like this

[blind date]

"What fabric is this blindfold made of?"

crafty, gregwoz, IfAnimal, ZeepBella, UserOne, kenwats, mediadeo and CurrentNobody like this

All things considered, I'd rather be an Aztec's stripper maiden than a talking fruit of a 70s commercial.

Orkid, ZeepBella, UserOne, kenwats and CurrentNobody like this

[First day as a museum tour guide]

Kid: how can we tell how old a dinosaur is?

Me: it's super old when it lost its verginity in a drive-in cinema. most dinosaurs don't want to talk about it though. that's why we check for tracks of popcorn

#Science, #Officer

Orkid, ZeepBella, locupleto and kenwats like this

Hot girl:

"Could you open the window?"

#in321

ZeepBella, UserOne and kenwats like this

Shit could be worse, unless your name is Dave.

#Fucked

ZeepBella, UserOne, kenwats and crafty like this

I'm launching a kickstarter campaign to liberate your pimples from their dull grounds.

You're welcome.

#Feeling, #Sorry, #Free

kenwats, CurrentNobody and crafty like this

Friend:

Just kidding,
I have no friends.

nathii, Juli7, ZeepBella, UserOne, kenwats, crafty and CurrentNobody like this

Have you heard of the light at the end of the tunnel?

That's my flamethrower.

Orkid, IfAnimal, ZeepBella, crafty, CurrentNobody and kenwats like this

Kale makes my farts sound Russian.

#kale

stargater, bold, comanzatara, ZeepBella, kenwats, mir-jam, CurrentNobody and PennyLame like this

If you just sit there licking insects off your kale, no one will bother you in the subway.

#kale

Orkid, ZeepBella, kenwats and CurrentNobody like this

Eating beans before you play twister is the mother of a bad omen.

#omen

seppowitch, Krusa, UserOne, Orkid, dannyzee, mediadeo and blackboxmagic like this

I'm off to work again. These piles of tasks aren't going to ignore themselves.

#office, #ignorance, #bliss

Fire_starter, Orkid, SmokeShell, kolelo, sss63, crafty, bold, CurrentNobody, UserOne, sudeshnarocks and 3 others like this

reposted by CurrentNobody and rachelkisses

I had solid stool this morning.

It sucks when your day peaks at 8am.

#truthbomb

Orkid, SmokeShell, kolelo, CurrentNobody, UserOne, sudeshnarocks, RulesOfLife, dannyzee, comanzatara, sarcaSM and 1 other like this

My life has been nominated for the Shit Show Awards in three categories.

#truthbomb, #love, #social, #career, #category

Orkid, SmokeShell, kolelo, ProperDesastre, CurrentNobody, UserOne, Fionacatherine, sudeshnarocks, RulesOfLife, sarcaSM and 2 others like this

You win some and you cry yourself to sleep like the loser you are some.

#truthbomb

bold, sss63, stargater, comanzatara, kolelo, dannyzee, Fionacatherine, CurrentNobody and UserOne like this

What 2019 has in store for you

libra - Happiness
aries - Happiness
taurus - Happiness
gemini - Happiness
cancer - Happiness
leo - Happiness
virgo - Happiness
scorpio - Herpes (fuck you Karen)
sagittarius - Happiness
capricorn - Happiness
aquarius - Happiness
pisces - Happiness

#truthbomb, #RT, #Twitter, @Wildethingy

Orkid, IfAnimal, ProperDesastre, comanzatara, kolelo, perellano, bmj, UserOne, sarcaSM, ZeepBella and 1 other like this

I think of you with one hand.

Floki, robbie1946, Orkid, gabrielvon, projecto, stargater, UserOne, comanzatara, Fionacatherine, ZeepBella and 6 others like this

reposted by stargater

I need a career change.

I'm looking for something that includes day drinking, no personal interaction, and lots of money.

#Dear2019, #Please, #ThankYou

roosterbear, Orkid, KnightofSIAL, Montather, atheist, perla.hvozdu, Krusa, Fionacatherine, bold, comanzatara and 11 others like this

reposted by Montather

Vulgar is easy when you know the letters.

crafty, albiin, MyM, UserOne, Authlander, PublicScratch, timothy21 and CurrentNobody like this

I can't get over the fact that the Guinness guys brew beer and still have the energy to keep track of world records.

crafty, albiin, UserOne, Authlander, timothy21 and CurrentNobody like this

Fun drinking game:

Don't stop drinking.

#hiks

crafty, timothy21, Campo, UserOne, Vandtastic and JodieT like this

On this day in 1839, nothing happened.

#FYI

timothy21, Campo, bold and PublicScratch like this

Love so real, it tastes like pizza.

#pizza, #love

timothy21, kenwats, GreatSmile, UserOne, CityCharacter and mediadeo like this

Guess who could wear three "I pooped today" t-shirts today?

#HotHotHot, #today

timothy21, jmb, bold, kenwats, GreatSmile, UserOne, CityCharacter and mediadeo like this

My Native American name is Piss Off.

timothy21, rudeboy, IfAnimal, MyM, sudeshnarocks and Fionacatherine like this

reposted by rudeboy

I wish I had a lawn so I could yell at people to get off my lawn.

#ThinkingOutLoud

ploypatchara, timothy21, UserOne, CityCharacter, comanzatara, Bettydent and GreatSmile like this

I could be a better person. I really could but I won't.

#ThinkingOutLoud, #Sorry, #Peeps

perellano, OpenWorld, timothy21, shankarrkn, karlokoenig, SourceBlack, Ziya, EmpressTygress, dor1316, EmilyHeller and 30 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, dr_bemi and EvilGod

It's all fun and games until you realize it's your life.

timothy21, ilgatto, springfire, iam_diran, UserOne, Demetrius, BiteSenior, beingme and kenwats like this

Pretty girls tell pretty lies and then you're fucked.

timothy21, UserOne, Demetrius, beingme, kenwats, comanzatara, PennyLame and fart like this

First I do the vodka, then I do the people stuff.

timothy21, UserOne, beingme, kenwats and fart like this

Shit gets weirder the older you are.

UserOne, beingme, kenwats and comanzatara like this

Hello gangsters, give me all your marijuanas.

kenwats and sudeshnarocks like this

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

"We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?"

*gets stabbed*

#fool, #Twitter, #RT, @kyry5

timothy21, jmb, bold and crafty like this

There were no paper towels in the restroom, so I had to dry my hands on the new intern.

#fool, #HR, #report, #office

timothy21 likes this

40 isn't old if you're a tree.

Reposted from frizzu

#Lol, #Age, #PLO

hazelca, stargater, iam_diran, prubton, UserOne, beingme and juneocallagh like this

I get asked "Are you drunk" a lot for someone who has been working here for over five years.

#funny, #colleagues

prubton, Authlander, comanzatara, beingme and CityCharacter like this

I haven't been black-out drunk at the office all week.

#whatwasithinking, #Tuesday

ThoughtBoy and CityCharacter like this

I wake up just to take another nap.

#naptime, #allthetime

timothy21, UserOne and beingme like this

If I was a bird, I'd fly into a wall.

#Monday, #Yoga

timothy21, UserOne, crackbuttjoe, bold, boldolicious, prubton and perellano like this

It's a full moon, don't forget to go howl some shit into the night sky.

#fullmoon, #neighborhood, #party, #spoiler, #Cindy, #sucks

Andromenadda, UserOne, streetmedic, blackboxmagic, bold and campino like this

The trick is to stand as far away from the fart alley as possible.

timothy21, beingme, Sledge and UserOne like this

Please excuse me while I slip into coma.

#again, #exit, #unable, #consciousness

timothy21, beingme, Sledge and dor1316 like this

I feel like Alanis Morissette in her happy pants with a touch of "who gave me the fucking tequila?"

#weekend, #mysteries

beingme likes this

I'm waiting for a raven to come and pick up my empty skull.

#naked

EEG, UserOne, prubton and InfluenceNoise like this

30 minutes sober, go me.

#sober, #monday

timothy21, UserOne, leo1980, prubton and InfluenceNoise like this

Please wrap up this meeting Dave, the liquor store needs to see me.

#Yes

Orkid, UserOne, IfAnimal, comanzatara, CityCharacter, GreatSmile, petegutz2 and InfluenceNoise like this

At least I'm not a Millenial.

IfAnimal, Fionacatherine, Orkid, UserOne, prubton, petegutz2, CityCharacter, GreatSmile and InfluenceNoise like this

Our IT team refused to change my company email address to gaylordsprfckr@
jurassicpark.com but I don't give up easily.

#TheOffice, #Fight, #Back

Orkid, UserOne, prubton, CityCharacter, GreatSmile and InfluenceNoise like this

So apparently it's not appropriate for the company's ideas box to suggest to feed our HR staff to lizards

#whiny, #cunts, #TheOffice

Orkid, MyM, UserOne, prubton, CityCharacter, GreatSmile and InfluenceNoise like this

"No Harry, you can't just walk out and announce to be on maternity leave."

I hate HR people.

timothy21, Orkid, MyM, UserOne, prubton, CityCharacter, GreatSmile and InfluenceNoise like this

My favorite sex move is "The Harry Potter" - I disappear before you wake up.

#romantic, #AF

timothy21, Orkid, GreatSmile, UserOne, InfluenceNoise and CityCharacter like this

As a general rule, people on television are dumb and the majority of them is called Justin or Kevin.

#faces

Orkid, bananike, Sunshine123, ThoughtBoy, timothy21, UserOne, iam_diran, InfluenceNoise, beingme and arxvis like this

Let's blame these hairs in awkward places on werewolf genes.

#werewolves

timothy21, meohmy, Fionacatherine, eulekauzig, JodieT, Orkid, comanzatara, prubton, beingme and InfluenceNoise like this

May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you're dead.

#Irish, #toast, #Grace, #PeakyBlinders, #Garissons

Batterylife, neve.b, Ziya, eulekauzig, chocolat, ForeverActive, nash, JodieT, UserOne, Hank-the-knife and 5 others like this

reposted by Mathilda

My life is so boring, I consider confessing to crimes I didn't commit.

#rituals

sirskitten1, ChrisRota, Ziya, Andromenadda, bold, ForeverActive, comanzatara, Fionacatherine, IfAnimal, prubton and 4 others like this

Keep your nudes, send me your grandma's lasagne recipe.

#lasagne, #nomnom

JMBis, eulekauzig, Fionacatherine, karlokoenig, Sentinel, blackboxmagic, dor1316, sss63, siouxz, Fabriciuz and 31 others like this

reposted by Vandtastic, Boldomatic, theobserver, abbieoutman, libertines, karamojo and Ziya

I'm no drunk, I'm punk.

#punk

FrankFilocamo, bold, JodieT, UserOne, Fionacatherine, InfluenceNoise, sudeshnarocks and guggigirl like this

*currently out of order

#mugshot

zohatariq, Fionacatherine, mak7, Orkid, locupleto, UserOne, stargater, flipflap, GreatSmile, eulekauzig and 8 others like this

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

#Twitter, #RT, @bourgeoisalien

ploypatchara, rahzielx, Orkid, locupleto, UserOne, iam_diran, GreatSmile, prubton, comanzatara, beingme and 4 others like this

Fuck soulmates.

I need a liver transplant.

#thanks, #forafriend

ploypatchara, perellano, Rainbo, UserOne, Pesca, JodieT, GreatSmile, Orkid, fart, eboy and 4 others like this

Look at you dirty dishes, nobody is doing me either.

streetmedic, Stig300, eulekauzig, UserOne, JodieT, Orkid, Vandtastic, ZeepBella, InfluenceNoise, janem803 and 1 other like this

Dear 2017 I want a divorce

#countdown, @pennylame

eulekauzig, bold, UserOne, JodieT, GreatSmile, Orkid, flipflap, isariveroq, InfluenceNoise, Juli7 and 2 others like this

Someone stop us before we do it again.

#wordsuntold

iam_diran, eulekauzig, ThoughtBoy, UserOne, petegutz2, ilgatto, RandomHero1981, erin.desmond, Fionacatherine, jaybyrd and 1 other like this

Nice turtleneck sweater! It's good to know I'm not the only one not getting laid tonight.

#office, #compliments

streetmedic, petegutz2, bold, UserOne, bobbybuilder, Orkid, hanueli, prubton, Fionacatherine, eulekauzig and 1 other like this

pick boogers not fights

#insta, #seen, #tattoo, @stinkermachine

Sunshine123, bold, UserOne, janem803, InfluenceNoise, prubton, beingme and bobbybuilder like this

Find someone who loves you for who you are, then corner them and demand to know who paid them.

#random

wizeoldsoul, bobbybuilder, ilgatto, JodieT, UserOne, Orkid, Fionacatherine, PennyLame, Bettydent, sarcaSM and 1 other like this

Here's to the paper towel dispenser in the office. I'm sorry I yelled at you this morning.

#HeresTo

ploypatchara, wizeoldsoul, Fionacatherine, bobbybuilder, JodieT, Authlander, UserOne, swatchUSA, Orkid, joosraf and 3 others like this

a b c d e f u c k i t

#play

Campo, comanzatara, FrankFilocamo, Vandtastic, Fabriciuz, meohmy, Tanascha, Drakonan, Fionacatherine, JodieT and 21 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, adamf303, kiamisdeluxe, Happycreature, anaba_drizzy, karamojo, sawei, lovenadav, Dar.G, sawei and 2 others

Mum used to rub shampoo in my eyes every morning to prepare me for the pain of life.

#Mum, #good, #old, #days

comanzatara, Authlander, melZ, laurislee, cdruet, Fionacatherine, IfAnimal, bonitababosa, InfluenceNoise, ICanDo and 3 others like this

I hate when I miss the toilet and piss all over my colleague Ralph while he's sitting at his desk.

Fionacatherine, InfluenceNoise, Sledge, KosmicKarma and Orkid like this

Sorry, I can't relationship today.

bold, Orkid, GetShitDone, prubton, dannyzee, UserOne, shespeaks94, ICanDo, janem803, eulekauzig and 2 others like this

Let's elevate small talk to medium talk.

#BLAH

Orkid, UserOne, ICanDo, janem803, dannyzee, sudeshnarocks, ankit951, Fionacatherine, SourceBlack and arxvis like this

The most productive thing I've done today is hitting the snooze button.

#lazy, #fuck

comanzatara, Orkid, eulekauzig, vangigulati, iam_diran, UserOne, ICanDo, dannyzee, sudeshnarocks, Fionacatherine and 1 other like this

Donald Trump: Climate change isn't real!
Mother Nature: Here, hold my covfefe.

#internet, #quote, #unknown

Jannek, roosterbear, Lautdenker., JulieanneS, bmj, Belieber1994, juliettebravo, busylizzie, MyM, crafty and 32 others like this

reposted by dannyzee, Sunshine123, karlokoenig, Boldomatic, hanna1, Hojarazca, Boldomatic and cahya28

In compliance
with the
WE-amendment
all intoxicating liqor on the premises have to be consumed by midnight.

Fionacatherine and UserOne like this

Quick, hold this. It's not my penis this time,
I promise.

#whatever

Orkid, kj55, timothy21, Stig300, Drakonan, SamNSara, dor1316, Dave, phuamaxx, HomerSimpsons and 17 others like this

reposted by Hannah69

Never settle for anything but the best unless you're hungry or really ugly.

#whatever

timothy21, bold, Anveshi, Fionacatherine, PsychoCorn, JodieT, purplechill, Sunshine123, misterlab, juneocallagh and 3 others like this

reposted by Anveshi

I will carpe diem but first I have to carpe a coffee.

#whatever

bold, JodieT, Sunshine123, misterlab, ErikSmit and UserOne like this

War can wait, go masturbate.

#war, #peom, #urwelcome

timothy21, bold, Orkid, bio_sergeevna, UserOne, meohmy, kenwats, janem803, Luenchen, arxvis and 1 other like this

My neighbor's car can park itself. It can also go fuck itself.

@ericonederfull, #Twitter, #RT

THEGOLDFATHER, rudeboy, wizlosophy, misterlab, meohmy, bold, BiteSenior, purplechill, UserOne and juneocallagh like this

The fuck
I don't give comes from the bottom of my heart.

#Salute, #waves

gkarun7, VTRenegade, eulekauzig, Authlander, THEGOLDFATHER, rudeboy, wizlosophy, Orkid, misterlab, meohmy and 6 others like this

reposted by rudeboy and VTRenegade

When I said I was going to quit drinking I just meant for like a couple of hours.

#justsaying

kolelo, maTembe1953, misterlab, UserOne, phuamaxx, sudeshnarocks, bold, Fionacatherine, juneocallagh and jussayin like this

janem803, VTRenegade, bold, JodieT, Orkid, misterlab, jussayin, eulekauzig, sudeshnarocks and Authlander like this

reposted by VTRenegade

If I were a woman, I'd send me so many nude pics.

#aphrodisiac

janem803, VTRenegade, Tillolder, misterlab, Hank-the-knife, Orkid, jussayin, UserOne, Vandtastic and Shea like this

reposted by VTRenegade

Sex so good, you keep it all to your self.

#aphrodisiac

VTRenegade, misterlab, Orkid, jussayin, UserOne, Vandtastic, maTembe1953 and meohmy like this

reposted by VTRenegade

People named Rick masturbate to wall constructions and send cat gifs to themselves. It's science.

#aphrodisiac, #Perry, #Trump, #Admino

janem803, VTRenegade, Orkid, mehr, UserOne and prubton like this

reposted by VTRenegade

I woke up again...
gross

#morning, #hate

Orkid, phuamaxx, VTRenegade, Fionacatherine, eulekauzig, UserOne, Vandtastic, kenwats, EssayCharge, juneocallagh and 1 other like this

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg rolls
pineapples
hamster

Shea, prubton, UserOne, misterlab, Authlander and Vandtastic like this

Unlike Santa and your big hands, global warming is real.

#1155, #Paris, #Trump, #messy, #reality

timothy21, dor1316, roosterbear, Ziya, Campo, bold, Orkid, Shea, prubton, juneocallagh and 7 others like this

That moment when you accidentally bump into that one person who's worth pest and cholera and you weigh your options...

#1155

bold, Orkid, Shea and UserOne like this

I feel bad for kids today. With all their electronic gadgets, they'll never know the simple joy of throwing rocks at each other.

bold, VTRenegade, Shea, GaylrdSprFckr, Orkid, FrankFilocamo, prubton, Sunshine123, sudeshnarocks, eulekauzig and 3 others like this

reposted by rudeboy and VTRenegade

"Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just call it "Sleepy Peepee?"

@UnFitz, #RT

VTRenegade, Orkid, misterlab, FrankFilocamo, prubton, Stokn, meohmy, sudeshnarocks, Fionacatherine and UserOne like this

reposted by VTRenegade

My favourite thing about feminists is their boobs.

#quote, @wildethingy

VTRenegade, memorize, Orkid, misterlab, FrankFilocamo, prubton, meohmy, Authlander, Sunshine123, sudeshnarocks and 4 others like this

reposted by VTRenegade

Bullshit & Party

#ole

emiledi77, HorseKeep, Pesca, JodieT, UserOne, FrankFilocamo, jussayin, SourceBlack, guggigirl, Sunshine123 and 4 others like this

When I was ten, the Soviet Union collapsed but I had nothing to do with it, I swear.

#wheniwas10, #alsich10war

emiledi77, dor1316, Fionacatherine, Ziya, Shea, juneocallagh, perellano, no667, eulekauzig, chocolat and 10 others like this

Where can I buy garage sale stickers for my body parts?

#sellout, #bargain

Orkid, prubton, AyWeiWei, UserOne, JodieT and Authlander like this

In 2025, NASA will land on planet earth to look for humanity.

#2025

Orkid, stargater, senorsknk, logicbomb, mehr, swatchUSA, Fionacatherine, tide, chocolat, MyM and 13 others like this

reposted by juneocallagh and invalid

I love every pixel of you.

#Designer, #sexting

janem803, chocolat, A.M., emiledi77, phuamaxx, misterlab, Sasquatchprime, UserOne, meohmy, stargater and 2 others like this

Let's wine about it.

#cheers, #salute

Orkid, emiledi77, bold, prubton, FrankFilocamo, Juli7, UserOne, JodieT, _Nathalie_, misterlab and 5 others like this

"What's on your mind?"

Fuck you Facebook, if
I only knew...

#facebook, #what?

Orkid, hamza, atheist, phuamaxx, purplechill, FrankFilocamo, JodieT, jaybyrd, sudeshnarocks, locupleto and 2 others like this

reposted by FrankFilocamo

It takes two to tango, but Sarah from accounting is a bitch.

#oops, #what?

-Juliane-, adam_1212, meke75, Campo, dor1316, Shea, bold, PhenomenonChu, mediadeo, phuamaxx and 20 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, sawei and martianaarav

If Abraham Lincoln taught us anything, it's that you should never get wasted in a karaoke bar on a Monday night.

#lincoln, #what?, #still, #buzzed

bold, locupleto, stefan_noth, Fionacatherine, ZeepBella, JodieT, misterlab, sudeshnarocks, purplechill, UserOne and 3 others like this

"Goodbye, cruel world."
I say while I shovel a hand full of froot loops into my mouth.

#office, #breakfast, #cruel, #world, #goodbye

Orkid, LineRope, phuamaxx, ZeepBella, JodieT, misterlab, sudeshnarocks, purplechill, UserOne, meohmy and 1 other like this

Last night someone played the okulele while I swam with a dolphin through a lake of guacamole.

#inspiring, #superpower, #drunk, #me

Orkid, albiin, stargater, bold, meohmy, jussayin, UserOne, Vandtastic, sudeshnarocks, Mark19700902 and 1 other like this

I'd hate to become a zombie mainly because of all the walking.

#zombie, #walking

janem803, Orkid, prubton, Shea, PaxtonTheGoat, Authlander, juerg.buehler, iam_diran, JodieT, Sasquatchprime and 9 others like this

reposted by PaxtonTheGoat

Nothing wrong with a good man who knows when to go to bed.

#sleepy

typowanderer, Orkid, jussayin, m00ze, UserOne, purplechill, Vandtastic, Floki, Juli7, prubton and 7 others like this

Waking up early & working most of our lives was the best system we could come up with, really?

#FAIL

-Juliane-, terry97, Orkid, jussayin, bold, purplechill, HollyGolightly, creatorbeats, chipdicks, EasierSaid246 and 4 others like this

Do you know that "fully charged phone feeling"?

Me neither.

#phone, #battery, #energy, #die, #sleepy

Orkid, jussayin, purplechill, PennyLame, misterlab and prubton like this

Help me get my arm out of the vending machine.

#makeawish

janem803, emiledi77, Stig300, casaper, LineRope, only1alyssa, begrian, FrankFilocamo, EasierSaid246, sophh and 10 others like this

Send me to this parallel world where I am a huge success.

#makeawish

emiledi77, terry97, only1alyssa, begrian, FrankFilocamo, EasierSaid246, sophh, Orkid, aureaoliveira, prubton and 6 others like this

Good morning everyone except Carole in HR.

#goodmorning, #office, #talk

ZeepBella, emiledi77, terry97, begrian, FrankFilocamo, EasierSaid246, Orkid, aureaoliveira, prubton, kenwats and 4 others like this

Hey people who go out and do stuff, have you seen my pants?

#lost, #world

deputat, emiledi77, albiin, juneocallagh, phuamaxx, EasierSaid246, kenwats, Bartjan, bold, Stokn and 6 others like this

reposted by rudeboy

I hate phone sex. . .

Once the phone is in you can't even hear what the other person is saying.

Reposted from Bettydent

#PLO

janem803, juneocallagh, Bartjan, emiledi77, TDYLN, begrian, prubton, FrankFilocamo, UserOne, Orkid and 3 others like this

Dave: Dave's coming over

Dave: Dave from work or Dave who talks to himself

Dave: no one's coming over Dave

#flashback, #Dave, #RT, @fro_vo

juneocallagh, Bartjan, emiledi77, TyroneNZ, ElSyawarma, UserOne, kenwats, Orkid, FrankFilocamo and NilavaDas like this

I can not brain today I has the monday dumb

#flashback

Bartjan, emiledi77, kenwats, purplechill, aureaoliveira, ElSyawarma, UserOne, Shea, Orkid, juneocallagh and 6 others like this

I have stopped to regret stupid decisions a long time ago.

#melancholy, #2016

blacknote, swatchUSA, Shea, emiledi77, albiin, bold, Fionacatherine, misterlab, NilavaDas, Vandtastic and 13 others like this

reposted by annemarit

My problem-solving technique is as efficient as putting a funny hat on a roadkill.

#decorate, #problems, #glitter

ZeepBella, EasierSaid246, emiledi77, WinterDream, phuamaxx, loulou, SarcasticAssO, purplechill, Sunshine123, meohmy and 4 others like this

l have to stay in bed all day because the ground is lava.

#office, #boss, #sicknote

ZeepBella, rewin, purplechill, emiledi77, EmmaEmma2000, UserOne, enderby, aproncake, Orkid, Sunshine123 and 1 other like this

Show me how you'd squeeze this tube of toothpaste.

#first, #date, #idea, #single, #why

SarcasticAssO, purplechill, emiledi77, UserOne, enderby, aproncake, bold, meohmy, Orkid and Sunshine123 like this

I got kicked out of Brooklyn again for not burning my dirty laundry in public.

#laundry, #ghetto, #streets

EasierSaid246, bold, PenSword72, Authlander, purplechill, emiledi77, misterlab, enderby, Shea, meohmy and 3 others like this

Don't judge a book by its cover rather judge a person by the size of the ketchup bottle in their fridge.

#reallife, #personality, #traits

albertgualbert, Bartjan, emiledi77, rewin, purplechill, UserOne, enderby, only1alyssa, Orkid and Sunshine123 like this

reposted by albertgualbert

It's no depression, I just really like my bed.

emiledi77, Campo, Authlander, Fionacatherine, UserOne, enderby, SourceBlack, Geminisexxii22, Juli7, guggigirl and 10 others like this

I apologize for using biblical terms to describe the ugliness of your president.

#censorship

emiledi77, juneocallagh, Shea, Fionacatherine, UserOne, SourceBlack, meohmy, prubton, dor1316, Sunshine123 and 4 others like this

The guy at the urinal next to me acted like he didn't even know we were having a pee race.

#Twitter, @ThanksJared

emiledi77, sosoandso, UserOne, SourceBlack, meohmy, prubton, JodieT, kenwats, misterlab, Orkid and 1 other like this

Squirrels are just rats that have a degree in nuts.

#college, #pros

ZeepBella, emiledi77, Elisatist, JodieT, Juli7, misterlab, enderby, Sunshine123, meohmy, Authlander and 3 others like this

I had shame once but I buried it under years of alcoholism, meaningless sex, sarcasm and a polaroid of a banana.

#honest, #reflection, #drivers

emiledi77, SadBlank, Authlander, misterlab, sophh, phuamaxx, Orkid, guggigirl, Stokn, inamorta and 2 others like this

walked when I should have run and I ran when I should have walked...

#song, #lyrics, #Jamie, #Woon

enderby, emiledi77, PenSword72, purplechill, locupleto, Orkid, Vandtastic, FrankFilocamo, Sunshine123 and SourceBlack like this

Anything goes, alcohol, tobacco, coffee and in between an orange juice.

#diet

Authlander, emiledi77, purplechill, Orkid, FrankFilocamo, misterlab, PenSword72, Sunshine123, SourceBlack and prubton like this

Your goddess filter is cool, but you can do other things with your phone like call your mom to thank her for dealing with your narcissism.

@sgrstk, #Twitter, #RT

EasierSaid246, WinterDream, Bartjan, desyr, emiledi77, sophh, UserOne, Orkid, MMNK, Vandtastic and 10 others like this

reposted by jmary

Dating is like falling in love with a song on the radio then committing to the album; hoping the rest of the songs aren't fucking garbage.

#cliche, #twitter, #RT, @sgrstk

madampayal, ZeepBella, CoffeeBrain, WinterDream, PenSword72, allizdog, locupleto, Lieutenant, dor1316, MajorPootie and 32 others like this

reposted by prubton and monsieur

Uber and Tinder are basically the same thing: You agree to meet a stranger hoping they take you home and you don't fucking die.

#cliche, #Twitter, @sgrstk, #RT

Fero, ZeepBella, UserOne, dor1316, roosterbear, Lieutenant, bold, PenSword72, whatever., eboy and 19 others like this

My spirit animal is a blood soaked moskito smashed to the kitchen wall.

#spiritanimal, #deleted

satannah, Lieutenant, phuamaxx, sudeshnarocks, juneocallagh, UserOne, FrankFilocamo and klodi like this

I hope a clown kills me before the results of the election come in.

#election2016

satannah, Lieutenant, Jessica6, Wanda.4, whatever., purplechill, PenSword72, MMNK, stefan_noth, bold and 15 others like this

A frozen burrito would make a better President than Donald Trump.

#election2016

tatomato, superficialtim, dor1316, Lieutenant, WinterDream, Ophelia, roosterbear, PenSword72, phuamaxx, misterlab and 13 others like this

Sorry I wrote "Humans are not biologically programmed to be monogamous," on your wedding card.

@Fickle_Filly

Bartjan, superficialtim, Lieutenant, Jessica6, WinterDream, Orkid, PenSword72, eboy, meohmy, FrankFilocamo and 11 others like this

Big cats need heavy petting

Reposted from anonymous

#PLO, #LMFAO

Lieutenant, mentalitas, Orkid, JodieT, emiledi77, UserOne, FrankFilocamo, ClareSophia, SourceBlack and prubton like this

I got my diploma from the radio.

#framed

Lieutenant, PenSword72, jstelter, bold, Orkid, juneocallagh, michiko3010, emiledi77, UserOne, FrankFilocamo and 5 others like this

Stop peopling you fuckers.

#Peeps, #stopit, #stayaway

superficialtim, Elisatist, Lieutenant, SourceBlack, bold, purplechill, UserOne, emiledi77, juneocallagh, prubton and 1 other like this

reposted by Afrolady.

But who's feeding you fuckers all this hope?

#hope

Lieutenant, Ziya, bold, PenSword72, purplechill, UserOne, emiledi77, Floki, juneocallagh and Orkid like this

Pray to the gods of maybe, like you mean it.

#Maybe, #gods, @Authlander

bold, PenSword72, purplechill, emiledi77, Ziya, juneocallagh and Authlander like this

Hope is the thing that makes
my balls shriver.

#Hope

PenSword72, purplechill, emiledi77 and juneocallagh like this

Dear Mother Nature,

thank you for grilled cheese.

#mothernature

PenSword72, FrankFilocamo, FrankF, Orkid, emiledi77, JodieT, kenwats, UserOne, jaybyrd, stargater and 1 other like this

Oh, the sweet sound of someone farting next cubicle.

#office, #no, #miss, #bless, #you, #lettertohell, #pewwwwh

ZeepBella, Bartjan, PenSword72, albiin, purplechill, UserOne, emiledi77, stargater, bold, Jamille and 7 others like this

Blondes have more fun, except when they're drowning or getting eaten by tigers.

#circus, #blondes, #fun

Ziya, albiin, Authlander, bold, UserOne, purplechill, PenSword72, Shea, badcid, emiledi77 and 6 others like this

You know she's stopped making the effort when you start noticing pieces of dinner in her moustache.

#Twitter, #found, @Lord_Smirnoff

EasierSaid246, bold, Ziya, 67MadMax, PublicScratch, misterlab, PenSword72, JodieT, emiledi77, kenwats and 5 others like this

I'm the type of person that loses things while holding them.

#andgone, #coward

Vandtastic, fancy2108, Lily_dreams_on, roosterbear, kenwats, EMANON, rajka26, kj55, jonc, t-muntzer and 26 others like this

reposted by BronaghC, juneocallagh, rachelree, shankarrkn and Fmon

Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant.
The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

#Twitter, @Playing_Dad

Campo, MarcellaA, EmilyHeller, JMBis, OnlineGuy, eulekauzig, petegutz2, buzzielizzy, JulieanneS, Boldomatic and 21 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic

My last relationship was like Forrest Gump and Jenny.

I was retarded and she was a whore.

Reposted from perellano

#PLO

Shea, SourceBlack, m00ze, Mapiya, Retric, FrankF, FrankFilocamo, purplechill, DeadPoet, JodieT and 6 others like this

My Check Liver light just came on.

"Add Fuel"

Shea, FrankF, FrankFilocamo, PenSword72, UserOne, JodieT, misterlab, Fionacatherine, kenwats, emiledi77 and 2 others like this

Just met the bottle of wine I want to grow old with

#stranger

catmilkempire, ZeepBella, IndigoGamerHD, Junglipunjaban, Lieutenant, Dwell, ErikSmit, Shea, Bartjan, sss63 and 21 others like this

reposted by Redick, Redick, rachelree and kitsune88

Too much beauty sleep

AGAIN

Orkid, PenSword72, albiin, UserOne, Fionacatherine, Redick, Authlander, michiko3010, purplechill, siouxz and 3 others like this

reposted by Redick

What doesn't heal you makes you more human.

ZeepBella, Bartjan, Fabcookie, Anveshi, siouxz, Fionacatherine, emiledi77, Ziya, naebitnae, FrankFilocamo and 5 others like this

reposted by Anveshi

that moment when your steak is on the grill and you can already feel your mouth watering.

do you vegans feel the same when mowing the lawn?

Reposted from jaybyrd

#sad, #mouthwatering, #story, #plo

janem803, Bartjan, sophh, purplechill, FrankFilocamo, FrankF, UserOne, bobbybuilder, kenwats, Mapiya and 6 others like this

I don't always Google stuff, but when I do, I don't know how to spell it.

#google

TamarYacht, PenSword72, misterlab, JodieT, m00ze, ThaNameis, Fionacatherine, WithoutLabel, UserOne, Authlander and 6 others like this

*eats thuna sandwich in changing room...

I don't know why I'm still single.

#single, #idgaf

Orkid, FrankF, FrankFilocamo, kenwats, Dead.Yeti, naebitnae, meohmy, Fionacatherine, emiledi77 and Jamille like this

Ask her if she's into tentacle porn BEFORE you throw an octopus onto the bed.

I know this now.

#RT, @Shot_Of_Cabo, #twitter

Orkid, Bartjan, batgirl3034, Shreya95, bobbybuilder, sophh, Fionacatherine, abe, kenwats, phuamaxx and 9 others like this

It's like no one in this library wants to hear me fart.

#library, #noises

Bartjan, Campo, memorize, bold, SympathyWave, abe, IMEIAM, bassdave, emiledi77, UserOne and 15 others like this

reposted by Campo

I get it other planets,
I have no life either.

@dafloydsta, #twitter

ChrisRota, Drakonan, arxvis, fancy2108, Bartjan, Mapiya, edluvstennis, juneocallagh, moonlight1311, abe and 44 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, OzMick, Diana_93, a_mars_bar and FrankFilocamo

I spend most of my life wishing my phone charger cord was longer.

#phone, #iphone, #cord, #cable

blacknote, Mapiya, Shreya95, abe, if.I.could.fly, PrivatePirate, ingenborg, SteveBob, JodieT, ManuTiger and 18 others like this

My younger sister just got her PhD and I'm writing this pink post about a smelly fart that I named Frank.

#choices, #brain, #vs, #fart

eulekauzig, CurrentNobody, Drakonan, GetShitDone, Nikepeace, Jamille, Fionacatherine, UserOne, itchyPitchfork, Orkid and 27 others like this

reposted by itchyPitchfork, CurrentNobody and siouxz

Kill them with kindness until they turn their back, then use a knife.

#smooth, #kindness, #kill

Orkid, Draculin, dangrb, Babs_77, emiledi77, Robert88, bold, bobbybuilder, UserOne, A.M. and 18 others like this

reposted by akoruruth, dnewman and bellissima

Sex with me is awesome because it makes ice cream cones instead of babies.

#drunktexting

ZeepBella, abe, gwalme, sis, bold, PenSword72, wizlosophy, blumenlama, JodieT, lizz3r and 5 others like this

It's no secret that people who don't leave work during lunch are serial killers.

#office, #serial, #killers

bobbybuilder, nataliakanalia, ploypatchara, calabrok, revolte42, stefan_noth, happyheart, PenSword72, A.M., Dead.Yeti and 14 others like this

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday

@Book_Krazy, #Twitter

naebitnae, PenSword72, SteveBob, bobbybuilder, nataliakanalia, revolte42, bold, happyheart, A.M., purplechill and 13 others like this

If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton fall off a cliff, who survives?

America. The answer is America.

#politics, @TheMichaelRock

Drakonan, tatomato, Orkid, pico, thegreenfox, Chloalth, Authlander, dawn16, tee.shaygo, nnkristin and 27 others like this

reposted by fabulousME and tinaatinaa

If it's not the way you like it, send food back to the kitchen, so they can spit on it twice.

#nomnom

Orkid, Lieutenant, sis, if.I.could.fly, PenSword72, jablesable, localhero45, misterlab, revolte42, meohmy and 7 others like this

merry x-mas. there, i'm already done for the year

Reposted from Bartjan

#echo, #done, #PLO

Bartjan, TyroneNZ, flipflap, lonelywolf, aana, ruhip and RulesOfLife like this

Siri,
clear history of yesterday.

#drunk, #text, #ex, #headache, #hangover

antonio.lisboa, Campo, dor1316, campino, Orkid, satan, bold, sarcaSM, philipsonn, sarah_hilliams and 25 others like this

reposted by philipsonn, EliasH and stargater

Nevermind why I'm in your trunk, you have a great singing voice and should pursue it. Don't listen to what other people say!

#car, #trunk, #love, #music

Bartjan, Lieutenant, PenSword72, IndigoGamerHD, bold, meohmy, Smilieangel, UserOne, Authlander, bobbybuilder and 5 others like this

Your therapist lied.
The real answer is weed.

#the, #rapist, #chill, #weed

unajurisic, Orkid, PenSword72, elizarajsp, sophie1, rcmtnbike, UserOne, Juli7, misterlab, purplechill and 8 others like this

My girlfriend is angry at me, just because I wrote the pizza delivery guy another poem.

#Jealous, #GF, #women

Lieutenant, PenSword72, marickas, sophie1, Contemporan, sophh, UserOne, nataliakanalia, JodieT, Juli7 and 5 others like this

When you vote for Trump you get a $5 Walmart gift card and a pack of condoms so you don't get your sister pregnant.

#Twitter, #RT, @TheMichaelRock

Floki, perellano, Orkid, Bartjan, PenSword72, sophie1, mrsbeata, sophh, UserOne, debstar and 6 others like this

reposted by debstar

I love a good mystery. Except when I wake up in jail.

#Huh?, #howdidthathappen, #again

Bartjan, Lieutenant, PenSword72, sis, sss63, UserOne, Authlander, Sunshine123, hallowelt, Fionacatherine and 6 others like this

It's the weekend, time to open a good book or as I like to call it
"a bottle of wine".

#weekend, #wine, #bottle, #open, #books

Bartjan, petervanpelt, bold, PenSword72, Pauladarling, codytatman, ruhip, purplechill, happyheart, lonelywolf and 10 others like this

reposted by katsch

Telling people that the plate is very hot just makes them want to touch it even more. It's science. People are idiots.

#lovemyjob, #yooture

blacknote, perellano, Orkid, Bartjan, Lieutenant, sis, Fionacatherine, Babs_77, forever_young, agrumpyunicorn and 18 others like this

I wish more people gave me the silent treatment

#lovemyjob, #yooture, #colleagues

janem803, sis, Pauladarling, MyM, juneocallagh, purplechill, lonelywolf, JodieT, aana, catnesalice and 4 others like this

People come into your life for a reason. It's quite annoying.

#lovemyjob, #yooture, #neeeext

Lieutenant, nataliakanalia, sis, agrumpyunicorn, Pauladarling, juneocallagh, purplechill, Authlander, danel, lonelywolf and 9 others like this

For my next trick, I will get exhausted from sitting on the couch.

#lazy, #sunday

Lieutenant, sis, Jasko, Zefira_13, roosterbear, lazzygirl_jems, kenwats, UserOne, meohmy, JodieT and 3 others like this

reposted by rudeboy

I'm not user friendly at all today.

#Monday, #Office

Orkid, PenSword72, Lieutenant, sis, batgirl3034, bold, WinterDream, happyheart, JodieT, only1alyssa and 12 others like this

reposted by rudeboy

It's the weekend, guess who just added "drunk in an alley" on
the bucket list.

#weekend, #bucketlist

Lieutenant, PenSword72, wildwalker, JodieT, UserOne, jaybyrd, happyheart, sophh, sis, NukeSkywalker and 2 others like this

I love trees, they don't talk back.

#silence, #woods, #forrest

Lieutenant, mit01, misterlab, guggigirl, phuamaxx, happyheart, abe, UserOne, meohmy, maritzebill and 7 others like this

Holy shit.
It was just a joke, you miserable cunt.

- me, being nice on Facebook

@TheMichaelRock, #Twitter

Lieutenant, sis, punkpig, nanimcfly, phuamaxx, bobbybuilder, sophh, Babs_77, tweetybird, hebdifescht and 5 others like this

Hey Natalie Portman, they're talking about us on the internet.

#gossip

Lieutenant, PenSword72, nanimcfly, JodieT, sis, aana, MyM and juneocallagh like this

I'm sorry I interrupted your weekend anecdote Lisa.
I couldn't know it was gonna make you fart in front of the whole office.

#office, #diaries, #dipers

Lieutenant, sis, PenSword72, bold, misterlab, UserOne, abe, JodieT, PennyLame, Authlander and 1 other like this

*sorry,
can't, have
to catch up on my drinking tonight.

#Excuse, #weekend, #Standard

PenSword72, sis, memorize, savagefiend, JodieT, tweetybird, UserOne, guggigirl, nash, misterlab and 4 others like this

I'm rubber. You're glue. I think the LSD is working.

sis, PenSword72, Phnom, Authlander, sarcaSM, askari110, phuamaxx, radufs, meohmy, juneocallagh and 2 others like this

Vaginas and alcohol make the world go round.

#quote, #unknown, @UserOne

sis, PenSword72, Phnom, rudeamplitude, OdyKnoby, stefan_noth, bobbybuilder, purplechill, MyM, Sunshine123 and 10 others like this

All the hours can be happy hour if you are determined enough.

#Gintonic, #please, #yes

Lieutenant, sis, Phnom, flashlight, melissadesyr, janeh, phuamaxx, dor1316, Sunshine123, MyM and 15 others like this

reposted by simplyblonde

I was built for pleasure, not productivity.

#weekend, #life, #lesson, #party

Orkid, Lieutenant, sis, Phnom, Utsinger30, KnightofSIAL, rarerat, Lebewesen_, flashlight, melissadesyr and 21 others like this

reposted by roger72

Set the evil free

#weekend, #TGIF

PenSword72, sis, Authlander, rokolokoko, bold, annemarit, creatorbeats, janeh, guggigirl, sophh and 4 others like this

Waiter:
Would you like another drink?

Me:
Are you new?

#valid, #question, #response, #bar

Floki, sis, Authlander, hahamia, prlann, PenSword72, simplyblonde, dontheideaguy, el_medrano, litjackson and 21 others like this

reposted by simplyblonde and Peter92

Due to unfortunate circumstances,
I am sober as I'm writing this.

#circumstances, #empty, #glass, #heywaiter, #showsomelove

Lieutenant, sis, ilgatto, only1alyssa, sss63, Qball, bobbybuilder, dAn, JodieT, sophh and 8 others like this

The human body is 90% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

#science, #web, #quote

swatchUSA, GetShitDone, Lieutenant, sis, martiaguilo, hahamia, arianauniverse, ldemi1, sosoandso, dreday and 21 others like this

reposted by Cee96, Zefira_13, Maracuya and Peter92

If Hitler had focused on the people who clap after a waiter drops a glass, he would've gone down as a hero.

#final, #rt, @DamienFahey

Lieutenant, sis, janeh, wizlosophy, sss63, Qball, SunnySarah435, JodieT, bold, sophh and 1 other like this

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, "That's where it belongs."

@DamienFahey, #rt

sis, elmicha12, janeh, wizlosophy, WinterDream, Qball, nici_rothi, SunnySarah435, JodieT, bold and 3 others like this

Hey ISIS, I'm drunk in a bar in Ireland listening to good music with my hot wife who's wearing a tight shirt.

Fuck you.

#Twitter, #quote, @DamienFahey

bold, Authlander, sis, bernie78, janeh, radufs, Qball, misterlab, SL1990, eboy and 9 others like this

I just had a near sex experience.

#fail

EasierSaid246, Lieutenant, sis, janeh, nici_rothi, phuamaxx, JodieT, Qball, purplechill, litjackson and 10 others like this

I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes.

#Twitter, #quote, @RegularFred

sis, whatley, janeh, Qball, KnightofSIAL, mng, sophh, chewychews, stefan_noth, roosterbear and 6 others like this

Blaming all Muslims for terrorism is like blaming all musicians for Nickelback.

Reposted from Duncanville

#fact

Lieutenant, sis, elmicha12, janeh, erin.desmond, alkaffhusein, jamesduro92, MyM, UserOne, misterlab and 7 others like this

My body is a battlefield.

#classicsremix, #temple

Lieutenant, Campo, phuamaxx, prubton, dor1316, Qball, sophh, juneocallagh, JodieT, meohmy and 2 others like this

Peace is a beautiful concept. Unicorns too.

#classicsremix

odahg, siggy, dangrb, janineyvette, guzfox, JodieT, Qball, radufs, Fabcookie, Luenchen and 4 others like this

If I had 24 hours to live...

Ah, fuck it. I'd probably just sit and drink wine from the Tetra Pak.

#classicsremix, #chicken, #from, #the, #box

leesai, A.M., Sunshine123, JodieT, Qball, radufs, sophh, Luenchen, soyy, Tanascha and 4 others like this

That disappointing moment you get to work, and the building is not on fire.

#office, #sad, #monday

jamesduro92, A.M., guzfox, UmakantJani, JodieT, cozshewayout, Qball, radufs, misterlab, Fabcookie and 8 others like this

reposted by sarnic78

I read my order for 6 burritos from a list I prepared so the Chipotle lady thinks they're for multiple people.

#single, #and, #hungry

SteveBob, Qball, bold, misterlab, dor1316, Luenchen, stefan_noth, JodieT, sophh, phuamaxx and 3 others like this

Watch me screw up everything.

Show starts at 9a.m. daily.

#Everything, #TheShow

avant-garde, llamabat, moepi, locupleto, roosterbear, david71, mng, Krimi63, shespeaks94, jeroenvdo and 21 others like this

reposted by wiicha, italygirly and agneymenon

My favorite mythical creature is leftover food.

#nomnom, #hungry, #food

a_mars_bar, bold, kemooo, meohmy, prubton, sophh, JodieT, stefan_noth, Luenchen, UserOne and 1 other like this

I haven't had sex since so long I look forward to my virginity coming back.

#guessso, #anyhow

Mapiya, alkaffhusein, prubton, A.M., JodieT, viviana266, Loupi4614, sarah_hilliams, misterlab, paullam and 2 others like this

Let's play "Spot the Serial Killer" at the grocery store!

#fun, #creepy, #people, #everywhere

uli1975, kolelo, JodieT, PennyLame, prubton, Qball, sophh and haddock like this

My orgasm face looks like I've just seen
a ghost.

#TMI, #youarewelcome, #sex

bold, Hatca, mylisa1970, Megumi, guggigirl and JodieT like this

Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.

#spoileralert, #weekend, #singles

UserOne, Qball, soyy, bobbybuilder, Lirpae.., sophh, prubton, JodieT, meohmy and WordNerd like this

Doctor, I want a sex change.

From "none" to "some".

Orkid, odahg, uli1975, sosoandso, Tader, mehr, locupleto, r33t4h, dannyzee, wizlosophy and 16 others like this

reposted by cherrypie

*Checks for abs

Abs : I have a girlfriend.

Jstas99, wizlosophy, melissadesyr, Lirpae.., Qball, UserOne, JodieT and _ATOMIC like this

I am a kid at heart and a 47 year old coal miner at liver.

#healthy, #lifestyle

FrankFilocamo, Drakonan, arxvis, GetShitDone, Orkid, somachmers73, SimonLauper, sosoandso, haiden_, miklas0815 and 26 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, cherrypie, craigblaze, rodkelly, lauraxx97 and ewillumz

Hi, how much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
But sir...this is a liquor store.

#forrent, #apartment, #heaven

Floki, juneocallagh, Sunshine123, catmilkempire, miamaia, prubton, craigblaze, wizlosophy, ernstrose, paullam and 14 others like this

reposted by craigblaze and Peter92

Holy fuckity fuck, weekend feels good, ay?

Sunshine123, wizlosophy, Qball, meohmy, sophh, UserOne, misterlab, WordNerd and mylisa1970 like this

My boss' greeting me on Monday "Glad to see you're not in jail". Feels good to exceed expectations.

#monday, #office, #talk

Mo81186, Fmon, Sunshine123, wizlosophy, satan, haiden_, bojana, UserOne, bobbybuilder, Skyeler and 16 others like this

reposted by Peter92

There's a crying baby on my bus and I'm all "C'mon baby, you're not the one going to work."

#bus, #baby, #work, #cry, #evil

CurrentNobody, Orkid, juneocallagh, wizlosophy, satan, mng, bold, PenSword72, stefan_noth, Atinium and 22 others like this

reposted by italygirly and CurrentNobody

HEY SUNRISE
GET #FUCKED

satan, bobbybuilder, sophh, mylisa1970, misterlab and shespeaks94 like this

Go home, you're drunk.

- me and myself

#happens, #weekend

Sunshine123, wizlosophy, A.M., sarah_hilliams, UserOne, JodieT, sophh, Qball, MyM, guggigirl and 4 others like this

Show me your lunchbox

#•|•, #flirting

PenSword72, bobbybuilder, Luenchen, annairie and mng like this

Let's wipe out half the marine life in 40 years.

-Humans

m.huffpost.com

#wonderofthesea, #wwf

wizlosophy, nanne, PenSword72, justdaly, Retric, phuamaxx, sophh, Qball, meohmy and bold like this

"For my next trick, I will turn this entire paycheck into fast food and booze."

-Me as magician

#Tata, #broke

Jstas99, wizlosophy, PenSword72, Retric, sss63, melissadesyr, LASKYE, phuamaxx, only1alyssa, JodieT and 8 others like this

Of all the things that I've lost,
I miss my potential the most.

#potential, #career, #development, #sarcasm

curvema, wizlosophy, bold, misterlab, phuamaxx, ayesha_khn, meohmy, _Nathalie_, JodieT and sophh like this

reposted by rebelchild and wizlosophy

I'm a hopeless romantic. Without the romance part though.

#romance, #flirting

SirenadeX, wizlosophy, t_treeman, bold, dor1316, dannyzee, sophh, JodieT, bobbybuilder, misterlab and 5 others like this

fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou

Reposted from anonymous

#enough, #said

melissadesyr, bold, haiden_, WordNerd, sophh and mylisa1970 like this

I'm glad I'm past the age where getting drunk involved company.

#cheers, #everyone

melissadesyr, phuamaxx, baby121, bold, Parole, guggigirl, shespeaks94, meohmy, haiden_, Qball and 5 others like this

How much longer do I need to stay unmarried before they give me a Bachelor's degree?

#single, #education, #degree, #university

harlequina, Mapiya, MyM, curvema, melissadesyr, haiden_, Redick, radufs, dor1316, Babs_77 and 14 others like this

reposted by ralphie, Redick, Peterthefrench, Redick and Redick

My happy place is the beer fridge.

#beer, #you, #me

misterlab, missperfumado, bobbybuilder, stefan_noth, SimonLauper, nano560, sophh, Jamille, timothy21, meohmy and 5 others like this

Beer and pizza go together
like coworkers and stabbing.

Fontenay-trésigny, France

#mostfavs

swatchUSA, sss63, missperfumado, stefan_noth, SimonLauper, dor1316, sophh, dAn, Jamille, timothy21 and 3 others like this

[Sakeholes]

Some people are complete assholes simply for the sake of it.

#urbandictionary

Orkid, PenSword72, gregwoz, dangrb, UserOne, dannyzee, _Nathalie_, KingsDaughter, brody, dAn and 5 others like this

Vodka shots. Because it's Russia somewhere.

#vodka

Ziya, catmilkempire, Orkid, melissadesyr, JodieT, rachelfox, JND9, Gioblack, sarah_hilliams, dannyzee and 18 others like this

reposted by sophh and Raspberryyy

Dear Voice of Reason, where were you last night?

#saturday, #night, #vodka, #fever

wolfinka, curvema, Parole, dannyzee, Babs_77, eboy, sss63, Vandtastic, bold, Proceline and 15 others like this

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

#keep, #fighting, #peeps, #noregrets

Orkid, guzfox, janem803, phuamaxx, MyM, JodieT, juneocallagh, timothy21, bobbybuilder, UserOne and 1 other like this

I followed my heart and found myself at the liquor store. Again.

#heart, #beats, #weekend, #desire, #Iknow

radufs, sss63, phuamaxx, stefan_noth, haddock, _Nathalie_, sarah_hilliams, guggigirl, matembe-53, matembe-53 and 10 others like this

If beer was proof god loves us then rice cakes are proof he's given up.

#beer, #love, #meaning

melissadesyr, stebo, radufs, againandagain, bold, bobbybuilder, dangrb, UserOne, 2schaa, meohmy and 4 others like this

Me:
I don't know how to ride a horse

Vodka:
Sure, you do.

#weekend, #madness

Orkid, juneocallagh, diane.b, 2amadeus, sss63, bold, UserOne, bobbybuilder, littleape, campino and 13 others like this

reposted by Yakooza

Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcoholic.

#saturday, #night, #fever

sirskitten1, desyr, Redick, PenSword72, mng, wenuZone, kappa421, phuamaxx, A.M., only1alyssa and 14 others like this

reposted by Redick

let's play a game...
it's called
freedom.

Reposted from anonymous

#game, #of, #life

soyy, only1alyssa, pasquale85, shahrukhkhosa, JodieT, Kacy, sarcasm_only, meohmy and sophh like this

Life sucks when your girlfriend doesn't.

Reposted from anonymous

#enough, #said, #repost

Orkid, Mims1998, niraj, soyy, UserOne, timothy21, only1alyssa, pasquale85, shahrukhkhosa, Kacy and 4 others like this

Never ask a woman her age. Or her weight. Or anything. Just stare, breathe and hope for the best.

#women, #gendertalk

key_aq, BeyondEssay, perellano, LGAC, Superrnova, KenTon, Sunshine123, ladiesman217, locupleto, De_liefste and 47 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, staceyalexis, faady, Viciouse31, loredanabuju5, visorvice, dapunk, WillowPape, anuthebitch, farhadhv and 1 other

*pulls away from kissing*

"I wish you weren't a bottle of beer."

#thuglife, #weekend, #score

sophialinks, _ATOMIC, nea98, man.of.love_17, SteveBob, soyy, bobbybuilder, meohmy, Qball, sarcasm_only and 5 others like this

YOU'RE THAT UGLY EVEN PHOTOSHOP REJECTS YOU.

Reposted from anonymous

#repost, @_atomic

sarah_hilliams, UserOne, radufs, pasquale85, phuamaxx, MyM, bobbybuilder, sophh, sarcasm_only, jaybyrd and 3 others like this

I'm somewhat embarrassed. I'm pretty sure my neighbor heard me not having sex again last night.

#sex, #neighbors, #cigarette, #humping

D2Flow, ellenicole, BoyNextdoor, relaxed, PenSword72, Boldomatic, t_treeman, dor1316, mehr, meohmy and 21 others like this

reposted by darkxs, ellenicole and CurrentNobody

I hate when
I wake up on Saturday morning and it's Monday.

#weekdays, #weekend, #wakeup

dor1316, roosterbear, naaz.ma.taz, dangrb, memorize, bobbybuilder, timothy21, stefan_noth, dAn, Qball and 10 others like this

You
complete me,
day drinking.

#changesubject, #msginabottle

Tity, giggel, PenSword72, radufs, phuamaxx, bobbybuilder, melissadesyr, Qball, JodieT, misterlab and 5 others like this

In dog beers...
I've only had
one.

#7up, #drinking, #problem?

EmoFreakOut, PenSword72, SteveBob, stebo, aimeepiglet197, radufs, haiden_, Jamille, bold, sophh and 9 others like this

reposted by ellenicole, ellenicole, ellenicole, ellenicole, wackl and Hannah69

Sometimes I check my emails and I'm like
"yup, there they are" and then I look at something more interesting.

#www, #surfin, #killingtime

Vandtastic, radufs, StellaStella, mariechen_xo, JodieT, sophh, haddock, jaybyrd, tomvox, Jamille and 1 other like this

I'm pretty sure the beer is super excited it will see me tonight.

#saturday, #nights, #fashion, #label, #drunk

PenSword72, _ATOMIC, matembe-53, meohmy, soyy, misterlab, JodieT, Qball, Jamille, maxthailand and 7 others like this

beer is proof someone loves you

#beeryoubeerme

shafaagh, dangrb, Lirpae.., radufs, sarcasm_only, JodieT, soyy, timothy21, UserOne, phuamaxx and 2 others like this

If I get any more sober
I may start asking where my pants are.

#weekend, #saturday, #nights, #sundays, #questions

PenSword72, KingsDaughter, avant-garde, blackboxmagic, _Nathalie_, JodieT, PaolaChvz, bobbybuilder, prubton, Qball and 9 others like this

reposted by makalapua

Everyone is getting married at me.

#kindamad, #worry, #rings

JoesTiger, naaz.ma.taz, stefan_noth, 27thAvenue, phuamaxx, Qball, _ATOMIC, JodieT, sophh, timothy21 and 8 others like this

When I drink during a full moon I turn into an unawarewolf.

InfluenceNoise, Drakonan, GetShitDone, naaz.ma.taz, Vandtastic, KingsDaughter, timothy21, wiberg, PenSword72, MyM and 34 others like this

reposted by s_lauren

Sometimes
I get so excited about going to work that I go to a bar instead.

#office, #work, #bar, #desk

naaz.ma.taz, Vandtastic, KingsDaughter, timothy21, PenSword72, MyM, rbump, mng, Stephanie_g215, Kush_Le and 20 others like this

reposted by rbump

I'll tell you my sins, so you can sharpen your knife.

#Holzer, #songlyrics, #takemetochurch

Jstas99, timothy21, PenSword72, Qball, sss63, sarcasm_only, Belieber1994, sarcaSM, bold, _ATOMIC and 9 others like this

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, you have boobs.

#ohwell, #no, #complain

truthseeker57, JoesTiger, KingsDaughter, timothy21, MyM, sss63, Qball, liloldme, wickedpyxxie, only1alyssa and 21 others like this

reposted by NEBRASKA

Vaccination, but against that coworker that won't stop talking first thing in the morning.

#office, #morning, #stfu, #smalltalk, #quiet, #coffee

timothy21, bold, juneocallagh, Vinyl, leah.kenyon, bobbybuilder, sarcasm_only, Ms_Ntlebi, ephy, God-Like and 5 others like this

Your spiritual guidance led me to the liquor store.

#amen, #office

roosterbear, eulekauzig, MonoGate, desyr, timothy21, juneocallagh, Qball, radufs, Mims1998, Babs_77 and 33 others like this

reposted by irinik, DarkBlack and soyy

It's not a walk of shame if you leave with a moonwalk.

#themorningafter, #walkofshame, #exit, #style

buzzielizzy, OpenWorld, petarrrrr, katsch, janem803, arxvis, VTRenegade, eulekauzig, petegutz2, renelott and 66 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, aniek, shoutoutloud, caramela, truthseeker57, kashifjoosub, TBKIV1P3R, evafilip, Mitesh01, Tagi and 10 others

I liked you more when you had a drinking problem.

#friends, #badhabbits

timothy21, juneocallagh, melissadesyr, JodieT, A.M., bold, radufs, Luenchen, Proceline, sophh and 2 others like this

When I die, fill my browser with porn so that no one sees how obsessed I was with Kittens.

#kittypics, #love, @Boldomatic

juneocallagh, PenSword72, odahg, aimeepiglet197, mng, eboy, StellaStella, cooledpizza, no667, EmoFreakOut and 14 others like this

You look tired. I mean you look bad, but it's not your fault I guess.

#whitelie

ayesha_khn, MyM, juneocallagh, Qball, Lebewesen_, chapmansWifee, mewithnolife, luckyroo59, radufs, robbiew and 19 others like this

reposted by Gummistiefel and luckyroo59

...but but but this baby is no taller than a lamp!?

*leaves hospital disappointed

#newborn

juneocallagh, JodieT, bobbybuilder, Jamille, sarcasm_only, sophh, A.M., Redick, LASKYE, shespeaks94 and 2 others like this

Not everyone you lose is a loss.

Unless it's me, then you fucked up.

Reposted from belma.

#relationshit, #repost, #loveit, @belma

Jstas99, JoesTiger, cherelle978, juneocallagh, Qball, Alvin4ik, melissadesyr, ydgupta, God-Like, hebdifescht and 13 others like this

Do you ever think about how many girls probably screenshot your shit, put it in a group message and just completely slaughter you?

#theinternet

Qball, t_treeman, bobbybuilder, AliceMckfly.75, chipdicks, juneocallagh, JodieT, sarcasm_only, Jamille, DonSpaccafurnu and 1 other like this

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated,but can't pronounce it.

#thats, #it

PublicScratch, GetShitDone, KingsDaughter, 67MadMax, Saskaya, ThisGuy, prubton, DiscardedStat, catmilkempire, DygytAlice and 39 others like this

reposted by CHAN51920, Hannah69, SoftballLover, SoftballLover, luckyroo59, Gummistiefel and 67MadMax

My plans for today include wishing I was somewhere else, like a gas station or so.

#motivation

Lieutenant, Jamille, chipdicks, juneocallagh, StellaStella, radufs, LASKYE, Qball, PenSword72, guggigirl and 6 others like this

The best kind of people are alcohol.

#happy, #weekend, #friends

Lieutenant, t_treeman, chipdicks, PaulaEngel, juneocallagh, SimonLauper, radufs, Dabrix, beesmoove, Smylz and 13 others like this

Burned my testicles in the waffle iron. Again. Send help!

chipdicks, juneocallagh, bold, satan, PenSword72, gregwoz, t_treeman, alexmarcos, RVP_20, Qball and 15 others like this

reposted by gregwoz

I'd pretend to give up porn for you

Reposted from acos2

#truelove, #repost

Orkid, Qball, t_treeman, juneocallagh, bold, satan, gustavobarata, prncsfelice, melissadesyr, triphop and 9 others like this

If you see a guy over the age of 40 wearing a backpack, there's a 84% chance his name is Norman.

#Twitter, #repost, @5hae

Qball, juneocallagh, nikhilbiniwale, Proceline, Ms_Ntlebi, Jamille, stargater, _Nathalie_, jesper_vdm, SteveBob and 7 others like this

It's like your husband doesn't even care about my feelings.

#wife, #cheating

Orkid, Talos210, eboy, Coctagoney, haiden_, bold, radufs, Cee96, melissadesyr, prncsfelice and 9 others like this

Hate sex is awesome!

*came in her purse

#relationshit, #revenge

Qball, bold, juneocallagh, melissadesyr, radufs, Ms_Ntlebi, anthonymangham, jaybyrd, LASKYE, sarcaSM and 3 others like this

*goes to gym

untangles earbuds for 45 minutes

goes home

mobile.twitter.com

#exhausted, #twitter, #repost, @WhiskeySoured

OpenWorld, t_treeman, juneocallagh, radufs, rudeboy, naaz.ma.taz, meowllamafish, soyy, JodieT, meohmy and 12 others like this

Imagine living in a time where the goal of sex was to have children...

#sex, #bangbang

Eclipsenova, juneocallagh, sarah_hilliams, ernstrose, AliceMckfly.75, takeaguess, Coctagoney, chipdicks, Qball, only1alyssa and 12 others like this

Hey, people who don't drink:

What's your excuse for bad behavior?

#weekend, #habbits

GetShitDone, Orkid, juneocallagh, MjDeB, Joppe01, LonneQue, malou_h, mehr, t_treeman, radufs and 16 others like this

reposted by infamousifall

I don't like dating women who draw on their eyebrows. It's hard to get those stains out of your underwear.

Qball, juneocallagh, mehr, radufs, alexmarcos, PenSword72, tk93, Moon-D, shaazuddin, midnightrain99 and 10 others like this

Beer is good but beers are better.

#Monday, #suckitup

PullAFinger, ehab_faris, juneocallagh, mehr, t_treeman, kristinak, gita, cto, dangrb, soyy and 22 others like this

reposted by Diana_93, F.v.H and dangrb

if my computer desktop was an actual place, they would bring in blind-folded people and film a Febreeze commercial.

Reposted from jaybyrd

#workplace, #reality, #repost

dontheideaguy, juneocallagh, mehr, t_treeman, Qball, annemarit, ikickmyjuice, sarcasm_only, JodieT, bold and 3 others like this

I'm at work with my eyes open but I'm not participating.

#off, #office, #work

juneocallagh, mehr, nasirkhan22, melissadesyr, bostonamy, Qball, ikyoulikey, sarcasm_only, Babs_77, pasquale85 and 9 others like this

When I was underage, I cursed the owners. Now as I leave with my booze I laugh at all the kids hanging outside who ask me to buy them alcohol.

Seeya, suckers.

Reposted from sophh

#seeya, #repost

juneocallagh, mehr, chongeyatticus, melissadesyr, only1alyssa, radufs, Cee96, PennyLame, shespeaks94, Foxy and 7 others like this

Reposted from mehr

#repost

t_treeman, piit23, chongeyatticus, nikhilbiniwale, Nestea, radufs, Cee96, Yasm, sarcasm_only, juneocallagh and 5 others like this

Came here to fuck and to fight and I don't see your sister.

mehr, melissadesyr, juneocallagh, Ms_Ntlebi, radufs, LASKYE, pasquale85, shespeaks94, stefan_noth, wookie and 5 others like this

Lucky you're out of Fuck reach.

PennyLame, melissadesyr, Vandala, Babs_77, Viciouse31, shaazuddin, shespeaks94, Ms_Ntlebi, BlackMagic, pasquale85 and 7 others like this

reposted by Viciouse31

It's 8pm.

Time to wash our genitals and get ready to party.

#weekend, #party, #start

Orkid, haiden_, mehr, jaybyrd, Viciouse31, Coctagoney, eboy, riles, Gabbem, eezzy1 and 18 others like this

reposted by Viciouse31

You dont hate facebook, you just hate people.

Reposted from anonymous

#repost, #isntthatthetruth

Talos210, t_treeman, nasirkhan22, shaazuddin, guzfox, bold, A.M., sarah_hilliams, radufs, Ms_Ntlebi and 10 others like this

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does that remind you of your life?

#disappointment, #diary

cherelle978, sophh, t_treeman, juneocallagh, melissadesyr, lessismaur, eternal_flames, LionDormant, kj55, burntchocolate and 16 others like this

reposted by erin.desmond and daelle

Every action has a sarcastic and genuinly unhelpful reaction.

#breaktherules, #society

Raeca, Talos210, prakhar007fly, melissadesyr, DevilsPride, NivedhithaV, StinkyBreath, eternal_flames, slytherinangel, kj55 and 17 others like this

reposted by truthseeker57 and StinkyBreath

Make love, not whatever *that is.

#breaktherules

PenSword72, juneocallagh, melissadesyr, Qball, SteveBob, guzfox, bold, A.M., truthseeker57, JodieT and 8 others like this

reposted by truthseeker57

I wish I could help, but I don't want to.

#fortunecookie

juneocallagh, melissadesyr, bold, Trixinfo, radufs, Cee96, Ms_Ntlebi, niniel, kfasheldon, creatorbeats and 5 others like this

reposted by rudeboy

Is it kiss me under the mistletoe, or camel toe?

#confused, #•|•

juneocallagh, melissadesyr, PenSword72, A.M., meohmy, stefan_noth, kfasheldon, Demetrius, JodieT, Pesca and 10 others like this

And that's why It's called ORgasm, not ANDgasm babe.

#sex, #gift

bold, radufs, Ms_Ntlebi, litjackson, only1alyssa, stefan_noth, sarcasm_only, Cee96, sarah_hilliams, wookie and 2 others like this

My grandpa has a new girlfriend and I'm over here dry humping pizza cartons.

#life, #lessons, #love

bold, Gabbem, jeve, sophh, Babs_77, dor1316, supermom, JodieT, aubreyw, sarcasm_only and 6 others like this

What doesn't kill you, makes you hungover.

#feelings, #weekends, #distraction

perellano, juneocallagh, bold, panzo64, mag, jeve, dor1316, TravelDexter, stefan_noth, Babs_77 and 8 others like this

Alright brain, I got it,
I don't like you and you don't like me.

Jstas99, cherelle978, juneocallagh, bold, odahg, makkk, cybersont, Demetrius, belma., naina_eyez and 9 others like this

Is 'cuntier' a word? Or is it better to state 'more of a cunt'?
Please help, this meeting minutes aren't going to write themselves.

#meeting, #minutes, #colleagues, #bitching

eboy, bold, meke75, JJNYC, anshulmehta, sarcasm_only, God-Like, DonSpaccafurnu, JodieT, Roxy139 and 2 others like this

Don't call me. Alcohol you later!

Orkid, juneocallagh, pdaddy, odahg, JJNYC, PenSword72, asophie, makkk, kir4s_w0rld, Ms_Ntlebi and 9 others like this

Crazy to think that only a month ago my Big Mac was a horse.

#mcdonalds, #farmlife

Orkid, kj55, meohmy, juneocallagh, odahg, leo1, bobbybuilder, PenSword72, eliseBgon, sunrheaa and 9 others like this

reposted by juneocallagh

His indian porn name is

'Hanging-low-tiny-tomahawk.'

#Monday

bold, JodieT, TopNotch, melissadesyr, nash, meohmy, kfasheldon, jaybyrd and rhinstrom like this

I've never been bored enough to get a tattoo or wife.

#boredom

Lieutenant, lumber, Ms_Ntlebi, JodieT, donnajacksXX, only1alyssa, A.M., AlwaysxD, chipdicks and misterlab like this

I'm a lot funnier from the waist down.

#geek

t_treeman, leo1, Akatrine, jeve, Moon-D, A.M., litjackson, Ms_Ntlebi, God-Like, sarcasm_only and 3 others like this

Describe your self in two words.

Lazy.

#webquote

blacknote, sss63, cherelle978, eboy, leo1, Akatrine, RobHH, chiscaque, dor1316, MeMyselfAnd..I and 15 others like this

Seeing young children starve makes me feel so sick, it's like I can't even finish eating my lobster.

#sick, #sarcasm, #poverty, #republicans

perellano, Jstas99, dor1316, sarcasm_only, supermom, Ms_Ntlebi, Babs_77, Akatrine, meohmy, stefan_noth and 1 other like this

All my future kids can expect to inherit from daddy is a moderate drinking
problem.

#kids, #bankaccount

sweswiss, sarcasm_only, supermom, radufs, Ms_Ntlebi, Babs_77, meohmy, stefan_noth, Hank-the-knife, jaybyrd and 1 other like this

Too sleepy to human

#monday

Orkid, JoesTiger, bold, only1alyssa, sarcasm_only, mehr, nathii, Ms_Ntlebi, fairytigress, magicalwordsforyou and 4 others like this

That single spoon in the sink always has a story to tell.

#weekend, #single, #spoon

Mapiya, Tvoom, PenSword72, t_treeman, xanthie, meerkaat, annairie, Smellie33, niniel, meohmy and 8 others like this

"Be the porn you want to see in the world."

- Gandhi

Reposted from satan

eboy, odahg, litjackson, sarah_hilliams, A.M., againandagain, sarcasm_only, Ms_Ntlebi, radufs, Moon-D and 5 others like this

nobody ever got their dick sucked trying to be a saint

#correctmeifimwrong

ellenicole, bobbybuilder, sarcasm_only, Ms_Ntlebi, radufs, hebdifescht, Moon-D, stefan_noth, beatrizlima98, Remus69 and 2 others like this

My breath could clog a toilet.

eboy, ravynspeex, Akatrine, bold, Smellie33 and sarcasm_only like this

You're never too old to look at your life and say "fuuuuck."

#monday, #life

Orkid, jmelri312425, Qball, eboy, ravynspeex, maxxim9, champy1, sethsgirll_28, mii, bold and 22 others like this

reposted by Roxy139, babyydoll, jmattler, mariarve, champy1 and jmelri312425

I FarmVille on the first date.

#nerdy, #talk

Akatrine, Ms_Ntlebi, atharvalarva, sarcasm_only and bold like this

Some people should come with a 'best before' date.
normally, best before I met them!

Reposted from bonesy1973

#repost

bobbybuilder, JJNYC, knopfimohr, Ms_Ntlebi, 2schaa, nyny245, stefan_noth, Babs_77, sarah_hilliams, beatrizlima98 and 1 other like this

When my dad explained the birds and the bees he never told me that sometimes the birds make the bees listen to Beyonce.

#girlsgirlsgirls

t_treeman, PenSword72, daeron2u, misifri, A.M., timtomdan, _Nathalie_, aphilt, danel, sarcasm_only and 3 others like this

and all this reminds me

I have a beer

#choices

ellenicole, sarah_hilliams, flo_nelly, Ms_Ntlebi, sarcasm_only, nano560, magicalwordsforyou, meohmy, Pizzookie, creatorbeats and 3 others like this

reposted by seppowitch

You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hanging out in the woods wearing my trench coat.

#wudtek, #woodies

Authlander, Qball, eboy, flo_nelly, A.M., seppowitch, Remus69, timtomdan, guggigirl, Pizzookie and 2 others like this

I don't need much but many beers.

#weekend

FrankFilocamo, arxvis, Robert88, annaconda, PenSword72, desyr, kappa421, Qball, ellenicole, poeta and 22 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, dangrb, Wilma92 and annaconda

I'm always on the verge of running five miles or drinking a bottle of wine.

#wine, #workout

pionfia, Qball, maurizio86, marierobins, xanthie, dangrb, woodygirl, stussen, b1jeff, nano560 and 11 others like this

reposted by lalaland and greysky

Made a huge mess feeding the QVC lady spaghetti through the TV.

#starving, #people

supermom, abe, Moon-D, Ms_Ntlebi, anonyman, Pizzookie, meohmy and PennyLame like this

Awe you make me feel all lovey dovey and shit

Get the fuck out

Reposted from PennyLame

#repost

Qball, t_treeman, malwal, naughtynicci, EmoFreakOut, litjackson, Pizzookie, supermom, shmandy, tk93 and 7 others like this

I'm tired of getting fucked in ways that dont't end in an orgasm

Reposted from Mr_Kirkwood

#repost

katsch, Jstas99, cherelle978, Roxy139, ravynspeex, timtomdan, sarah_hilliams, dangrb, Broccolum, t_treeman and 19 others like this

Can I borrow 500 bucks for a Starbucks coffee?

#ridiculous, #prices, #gofurcoffee, #thieves, #wanted

Qball, beautifulqueen, t_treeman, naina_eyez, A.M., Pizzookie, bold, misterlab, supermom, tinamarie and 4 others like this

I name this fart after you

#fart, #air, #useless

llamabat, t_treeman, Gabbem, tweetybird, beautifulqueen, dangrb, sarah_hilliams, stefan_noth, 27thAvenue, guggigirl and 8 others like this

reposted by llamabat

I feel like I should study so I am going to lay down until the feeling passes.

#lazy, #monday, #after, #weekend

Querencia, jade.c, tablynne, tweetybird, ValSelene, melabengtsson, menesesdiane, Ms_Ntlebi, jeve, supermom and 12 others like this

If you want me to donate money to your cause, dont ask as I'm leaving a supermarket--catch me leaving a bar at 2am.

#moral

blackboxmagic, Qball, eboy, beautiful, tweetybird, matembe-53, dor1316, meohmy, _Nathalie_, creatorbeats and 7 others like this

In dog years I made love with you for seven minutes.

#record

Qball, flo_nelly, tweetybird, clover, bold, mrpyatt02, supermom, Babs_77, litjackson, Ms_Ntlebi and 2 others like this

electronic cigarettes are a gateway to smoking cock

#e-cigs, #smoking

tweetybird, aryapratama, abe, bold, A.M., nash and Lirpae.. like this

Dear Colleagues suffering from "whiney bitch disease". I'm prescribing a heavy dose of my foot up your ass.

#office, #parole

Qball, tweetybird, nanne, bold, haiden_, supermom, Moon-D, Ms_Ntlebi and SimonLauper like this

I have lots of sex

way over 20 GB.

#sex, #data, #storage

Vandala, Orkid, Qball, monkeygirlz, tweetybird, bold, supermom, SimonLauper, stefan_noth, abe and 5 others like this

reposted by monkeygirlz, tayymobb and tayymobb

It's not my fault mom did acid.

Reposted from Ron1971

tweetybird, supermom, bold, haiden_, dor1316, SimonLauper, crishoni4280 and abe like this

sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips & chains excite me !

Reposted from Ron1971

#dirty

Orkid, Qball, tweetybird, supermom, Moon-D, little_hippie and SimonLauper like this