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From the first time I saw you I knew I was going to give you the wrong phone number

78

On average
I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

71

Failure is my drinking partner

38

One day you will die, but every other day you wont. So thats pretty great, right?...

Inspirational posts are hard.

39

People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut the fuck up. What I'm doing is natural and stengthens the bonds between me and my cat.

57

Parenting 2.0:

Don't let your son get crucified.

30

Not friends,
not enemies.
Just strangers
with same
memories.

32

habe heute fast 5 min. gebraucht um zu verstehen was "Brathering" bedeutet.
dann die erkenntnis: is ja deutsch,
nicht englisch.

44

Sorry if I looked
interested. I'm not.

28

not again
not again
not again
not again
not again
not again
not again
not again
not again
not again
Fuck.

30

I got so drunk last night that I checked my voicemail.

30

Dear refrigerator designers,
1 tiny cheese drawer and 2 giant vegetable drawers... What's wrong with you?

30

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