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A lot of people cry when they cut onions, the trick is not to form an emotional bond.

213

I Was Born To Be Awesome, Not Perfect.

122

Sitting in a bar having drinks with a friend...
I casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said " That's us in ten years".

He said "That's a mirror, dipshit!"

47

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.
She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

27

Here, hold my
dignity..

I've got some
sketchy shit to do.

81

I need a hug......e
bottle of wine.

62

men use love to get sex. women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza

58

School is easy. It's like riding a bike.

Except the bike is on fire and you're on fire and everything is on fire and you're in hell.

52

That awkward moment between birth and death

39

Why do fat boys have sexy girlfriend? Because sixpack boys have hot boyfriends.

37

look,
my middlefinger
likes you

57

You're
somebody's
reason to
masturbate •

49

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