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If it isn't on the first page of Google it doesn't exist.

6

*Does something retarded*

You didn't see anything.

7

I wonder how many strangers took a picture, with me in the background.

12

Zebras are just horses who escaped from prison and horses are just unicorns without a horn

9

Hey, let's make believing in Unicorns a religion and then make money off of people who threat and oppose us publicly!

26

Die sieben Phasen eines Projektes:
1. Begeisterung
2. Verwirrung
3. Ernüchterung
4. Suche nach dem Schuldigen
5. Bestrafung eines Unschuldigen
6. Auszeichnung eines Nichtbeteiligten
7. Rückkehr zum altbewährten System

25

love is in the air

try not to breathe

16

I don't care if you think I'm insane.

The unicorn who visits me in the night time says
I don't and
I believe him.

154

I have the boobs, I make the rules.

10

SHELDON COOPER

presents

FUN with FLAGS

10

?????????????

RZR

20

Teacher: "Why is your cat in school?"

Kid: "Because i heard dad say to mom, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' "

49

I have a black belt in sarcasm

90

Procrastinate Now
••••

5

I hate Bullshit

7

You put your --->
hip in•

You put your <---
hip out•

You put your --->
hip in & you
SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT OR
SHAKIRA WILL KILL YOU

CUZ UR HIPS DON'T LIE!

7

"Who are you and how did you get in here?"

"I'm a locksmith and... I'm a locksmith...

25

Knowledge is power and power corrupts.

So study hard and be evil.

40

I had a dream last night, i was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and my pillow was gone.

14

Life is like a roller coaster. You can either scream every time there is a bump or you can throw your hands up and enjoy the ride.

13

My sarcasm only gets me in trouble when my
brain-to-mouth filter is
malfunctioning

18

Friends are like potatoes, if you eat them they die...

5

*In principals office* Principal: Have a seat.
Me: Thank you. *Picks up chair and walks out*

7

if energy can neither be created nor destroyed, what if our souls are a fragmented collection of other people's souls from the past and future? what if our dreams are their memories?

233

'All together' is written separately, but 'separately' is written all together.

13

If you love something, let it go.

But if it doesn't
come back to visit,
hunt it down and
kill it.

23

Growing old is
mandatory.

Growing up is optional.

312

I Am The Walrus Flying high through Penny Lane & Strawberry Fields Forever.
well, Your Mother Should Know that i Fool On The Hill in Blue Jay Way and i didn't say Hello Goodbye.

sorry, but i am on my Magic Mistery Tour...

8

Whenever you feel sad just remember that there are billions of cells in your body and all they care about is you.

16

Teacher: from all this talking, i assume you're done.
Me: from all this complaining, i assume you're single.

14

Whoever is reading this, you are beautiful and someone out there is crazy about you. So smile, life is too short to be unhappy.

51

Sitzen zwei Fische auf dem Baum. Ein Pferd fliegt vorbei. Sagt der eine zu dem andern: Sachen gibt`s!

15

i can only please one person per day...today's not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either.

21

I asked god for money, but I know he doesn't work that way. So I stole some and asked for forgivness.

32

Sometimes, I sneak up on my alarm clock in the middle of the night and yell "HOW DOES IT FEEL BITCH"

109

"You look tired"

is just a polite way for someone to tell you that you look like shit.

28

i love you with all my butt, i would say heart, but my butt is bigger.

32

:S :C :H :O :O :L

You can't find happy faces.

6

I believe that scene from "I am Legend" where Will Smith's dog dies, is more emotional than all the Twilight movies put together.

11

"Hey" "Hi" "What's up?" "Nothing much, you?" "Same"
*End of conversation*

13

We all have that one friend that we greet with an insult.

8

Voldemort's parents took the "I got your nose" game a little too seriously.

17

I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and funny as hell.

18

Sometimes
smiling is the best revenge

51

I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer. ?

7

[ ] yes
[ ] no
[x] maybe
after I died

14

i will beat you!

Ok, you and which army?

7

wo ist der hammer..?

hat jemand meinen hammer gesehen..?

13

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

16

How is a poor man a lot like a rich man?

They both have an iPhone

13

I don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs, I only have one small problem,
I lie.

30

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

27

I love using big words to sound smart.

I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

23

F.R.I.E.N.D.S: Fight for you. Respect you. Include you. Encourage you. Need you. Deserve you. Stand by you.

49

Dear parents, knocking WHILE you open the door to my bedroom
kinda defeats the purpose of knocking...

30

heute war ein schöner, warmer Tag?

weshalb hat mit das denn keiner gesagt..?

5

Alien 1: Did the humans receive our message?

Alien 2: Yes, but they named it Dubstep and danced to it.

29

Dear YouTube, i can deal with ads and i can deal with buffer. But when ads buffer, i suffer.

10

"I'm gonna lose weight. I'm gonna exercise everyday. I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it." ..........
"Is that cake?"

10

I got sent out of class once at school. The teacher yelled at me, "What would your parents say if i called them?" I replied, "Hello?"

15

fear strikes the eyes
an internal tsunami rises

a flash pulmonary edema barrels down to drown me inside myself

what a cruel demise

please let it not be so

7

enlarge your world

be bold

19

i am the expert of my own life, so don't tell me what i can or can not do.

20

cynicism is the armour, sarcasm the sword and irony the shield.

But BOLD is all in one.

23

When I see your face, my middlefinger starts to raise.

24

Waking up before 7am should be illegal.

9

I want to meet the teenage version of my parents.

11

Husband:
"Tell me an interesting fact that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

Wife:
"Yours is bigger than all your friends."

24

Always take your drivers license pic STONED, that way whenever you get pulled over, the cop will think you always look like that.

13

Best
friends have conversations impossible to understand by other people...

14

Dear food, either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.

11

Looking
at your textbooks thinking, "What a waste of a tree."

12

It's funny how we can remember the lyrics to hundreds of songs, but can't remember anything when we study for a test.

17

Things I hate:

1. Writing
2. Irony
3. Lists

40

Boston. A light will shine, while the city is crying.

9

"Populanten von Domizilen mit transparent fragiler Außenstruktur sollten sich von der Umfunktionierung diverser gegen Verformung resistenter Gegenstände in Wurfprojektile distanzieren."

(Wer im Glashaus sitzt sollte nicht mit Steinen werfen.)

18

relax thy
sphincters
worry only
leads to hemOrrhOids

6

Too weird to live,
Too rare to die

13

If bullshit was music, you would be a brassband.

12

how long
has it been
since someone
touched part of you
other than your body?

20

when no one is watching

i'm catwoman...

8

i love batman

• with no mask
• no dress
• no superpower
• just naked
• in my bed

23

When you hear someone says "Facebook is so awesome",

you immediately think: "You don't know Boldomatic."

30

who are
you when
no one is
watching?

32

BEER. Now there's a temporary solution.

9

Guten Tag
Darf ich mit ihnen über Boldomatic sprechen, und seine heilige Farbigkeit?

16

total seriös
Boldomatic

8

Dear human,
you get mad at me when I wake you and you get mad at me when I don't.

Sincerely, confused alarm clock.

27

While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.

94

I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account, so I just go around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times. I've got three followers so far but I think at least two are cops.

135

To error is human,
to love is devine,
to piss me of is a mistake.

18

* * *

* * * *

* *

Twinkle, twinkle little star
I want to hit you with a car
Throw you off a tree so high
Hope you break your neck and die...;)

24

Ich hab heute Roulette durch gespielt!

15

Some men say a woman's place is in the kitchen.
Just remember, that's where all the knives are.

30

Cheating isn't fair and it isn't bold.

25

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!"

19

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."••••

12

Did you know that if you put your ear up a strangers leg you can hear them say:
What the fuck are you doing?!?

100

Alway be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.

1

Dear iPod,
when I put you on shuffle, I meant play all my favourite songs.
Sincerely,
skip, skip, skip,...

26

I don't hate you. It's just my attitude has problems with your personality.

28

It's the time of year again..

*Steuererklärung
*Bundesamt interview

9

No, I'm not nervous.

I'm hyperventilating for fun.

23

There's no half-singing in the shower.

You're either a rock star or an opera diva.

22

My favorite pickup line: Get in the van...

30

Please don't see me, please don't see me,
please don't see me.
"Oh, Hi!" Crap.

20

Ok kid. The truth is that if spiderman was 100% scientifically correct, he would project spiderwebs from his anus. Happy?

8

No Déjà vu please...I Don't want to go through that again••••

10

Dear Noah,

we could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving 'till 5.

Sincerly,
Unicorns

127

I got 99 problems, and bitches are all of them.

10

If you
ever feel sad, remember that there's a number you can call to get the help you need..
they will have a pizza to you
within an hour •

17

What if oxygen is poison and it just takes 70-100 years to kill us?

9

My teacher has a heart of gold...

...or whatever metal they're using to make robot hearts these days.

25

i understand you have Van Gogh's ear for music

19

Sorry, i can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roomate's pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.

11

Boldomatic everywhere.

Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, IG, Tumblr...

Follow the 'b' and spread boldness!

35

If google can't find the answer,
then it's not a really question.

39

Oh, the things I would do to you if I could stop time...

17

only the dead fish follow the stream.

6

sex without love is better than no sex at all...

24

Om livet var ett spel och du var tärningen så skulle jag pussa dig för tur, rulla dig runt på bordet och hoppas på sex.

3

never make eyecontact while eating a banana.

4

Fighting for peace is like Fucking for virginity.

5

I wonder how the humans discoverd sex at the very first beginning... Like "Hey, lets try to put the thing between my legs in the hole between your legs..?"

4

A guy with a gun enters a bar.

"Who the fuck had sex with my wife?" he snarled.

A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"

22

Bitch please, your vigina has been used more than google.

19

wish everyone an egg-stra eggcellent easter weekend

37

I have a great idea for getting rich.

All we need is a lot of money.

41

I can't wait for that to never happen

14

parents:

weapons
of mass dysfunction

14

Let's role play:

I'll be Burger King and you'll be McDonalds.
I'll have it my way, and you'll be loving it!

22

THIS IS BY FAR YOUR MOST FUCKED UP IDEA EVER... I'LL BE THERE IN 10MINUTES.

7

THIS "NORMAL" YOU SPEAK OF DOESN'T SOUND FUN AT ALL.

416

•••••SPOILER ALERT•••••

Life can be difficult

5

roses are red, violets are blue. i have 5 fingers, the middle one's for you

26

you do serve at least one useful purpose in life: as a horrible example

12

How much fun can I have before I go to hell?

42

The guy who discovered milk...
What was he doing with the cow?

114

If I have ten ice cubes and you have eleven oranges, how many pancakes can fit on the roof? Purple. Because aliens don't wear hats.

126

Have you ever looked at someone and thought...

'Yep... you have a person locked in your basement.'

163

when
nothing
goes
right,

go
left.

275

You drink too much.
You swear too much.
You have no morals.

You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend!

39

Dear Algebra,
stop asking us to find your "X".
She's not coming back.

124

THIS IS BY FAR YOUR MOST FUCKED UP IDEA EVER... I'LL BE THERE IN 10MINUTES.

208

BEFORE SEX...YOU HELP EACH OTHER GET NAKED, AFTER SEX YOU ONLY DRESS YOURSELF.

MORAL OF THE STORY: IN LIFE NO ONE HELPS YOU

ONCE YOU'RE FUCKED.

325

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