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Posts Liked by m00ze

it's been a eat Nutella straight out of the jar kinda day.

13

a b c d e f u c k i t

57

my body is like a temple...

more like a catholic church, full of wine, bread, and guilt.

5

The worst feeling ever is waking up in the morning, getting out of bed, getting dressed, eating breakfast, and getting on your way. Then realizing youre still in bed, sleepy as fuck, and were just imagining doing that

8

Nightmares are just free horror movies that you produce, direct and star in

7

If I could I'd wish to wake up with the sound of your breath on my neck , your lips on my cheek, the touch of your heart beating with mine, knowing never find this feeling with anyone but you, if I could

55

You can put “fuck”, or “fucking” pretty fucking much fucking randomly anywhere in a fucking sentence and fucking still be grammatically fucking correct

24

My terrible
sense of
direction
is what took
me where
I needed to be.

48

The biggest step in any relationship isn't the first kiss... It's the first fart

13

friends are like underpants:
*some crawl up your ass;
*some snap under pressure;
*some don't have the strength to hold you up;
*some get a little twisted;
*some are your favorites;
*some are cheap and just plain nasty;
*and some actually do cover your ass when you need them to

14

I was trying before;
in the past,
now that I know
what's really going on my efforts
will be rewarded, instead of being lost
in a downward spiral of never ending horse shit.

6

October isn't even over yet and I'm already in need of a bottle of tequila, a full body massage, 4 days sleep, and
a weekend in
St maarten.

4

if you can go days without talking to me, go a couple more...
i'm good.

6

Having a dark sense of humor, is just a natural way to deal with how fucked up the world is

15

When self-driving cars outnumber regular cars, there will be a shortage of organs available for transplantation

11

Society will finally have achieved equality when men walk into a bar and several women offer to buy him a drink

11

My Facebook has a lot of troubles lately so if I don't say happy birthday to u on ur birthday it's not my fault

9

My parents carried credit cards for emergencies. I carry cash for emergencies

11

Im more likely to say hi to a strange dog than a strange human

15

My Ground is shaking with the strength
of a new foundation.

12

i can't
drown my demons, they know how to
swim.

16

ALCOHOL INCREASES THE SIZE OF THE 'SEND' BUTTON BY 89%.

64

Now I finally get why our national anthem was written by a lawyer.

1

NO ONE should live on the street!

SMILE
HELP & FEED

15

The greatest threat to our planet is the belief that someone else will save it.

46

What if plants are actually farming us, giving us oxygen until we die and decompose back into the earth to consume us?

17

find someone that makes you laugh
as hard as they make you cum.

14

i don't know where all this shit about me being a "difficult person" is coming from, i'm a constant fucking delight.

9

"You are what you eat" - That's funny, I don't remember eating a legend lately...

47

Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.

49

I wish my whole body was ready to face the day in the morning the way my dick is

20

To me you're sunshine.

To you I'm just a shadow in the night.

50

QUOTES ARE NOTHING BUT INSPIRATION FOR THE INSPIRED

43

me: i can't drink anymore of this beer.

other me: there are sober children in Africa. finish it!

7

such a teaser - to be granted infinite dreams and unlimited hopes and the ability to love eternally but be given only a mere mortal lifetime to contain it all?

62

if my life sucked any harder than it does now, i'd orgasm.

9

I always think
you're pretty,
even though
I can hardly
indulge in
it myself.

19

When it comes to small boobs or big boobs men prefer blow jobs.

36

i used my manners today. i said please. well, actually what i said was bitch please but whatever.

8

if you type "coughing" into google images, it looks like a bunch of people giving blowjobs to an invisible man.

9

If you've had sex with less than 12 people, people that have had sex with you belong to a more exclusive club than those who have walked on the moon.

54

the tree remembers what the axe forgets

8

instead of dropping me off in front of the school, can you drop me off at the corner?

14

Race you back home said the rabbit,
ok said turtle, sticking his neck in... I WIN

15

If it requires pants and/or a bra, it's not happening today.

19

You have to be a little crazy just to survive this crazy fucked up world.

69

There is a little "go fuck yourself" in "whatever"

23

i didn't give a fuck. then i drank a
Red Bull, now i don't give a flying fuck.

23

i don't think i'll get out of bed today. it's too 'peopley' outside.

32

feed your dreams, and starve your Insecurities

65

1 inch: are you fucking kidding me.
2 inch: i can't even hold it properly.
3 inch: never been so unsatified in my life. 4 inch: I've had bigger.
5 inch: good, but not enough.
6 inch: about right.
7 inch: can't complain.
8 inch: fucking perfect.
9 inch: a bit much.
10 inch: it's hurting my insides.
11 inch: I can't take it anymore.
12 inch: I'm absolutely fucking destroyed.

and this is how I rate my Subway sandwiches.

15

I will grow - through the places I see and the people I meet

19

Nothing wrong with a good man who knows when to go to bed.

17

uummm, can we keep some things in our marriage a mystery?

11

This place is fucked. All of you people are sick. I love it.

See you tomorrow.

58

ugh, who left the bag of idiots open?

15

the eyes indicate the antiquity of the soul.

16

Last night I was visited by a ghost who claimed he had "unfinished business." Turns out he just needed something notarized.

5

Words may be as capable of spreading hate and starting wars, but, I still think they're far superior to
guns and bombs,
for spreading
peace, love, and understanding.

66

The path of the righteous man is...

Eh fuck it, I'll just take a taxi.

50

It was only two
quid, nothing lost.
And the memories
found, were cheap.

19

She was a swan with
clipped wings, but you
were just dick weed.

22

When your crush has a crush on you.

12

Dessert is like a feel-good song, the best ones make you dance!

3

I am a deeply serious class clown.

22

Even on the days I hate myself,
I still think "at least I have nice legs."

40

My last relationship was like Forrest Gump and Jenny.

I was retarded and she was a whore.

16

"It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It's called living."

24

darling,
the only thing you're good at is pretending

63

Self respect is good but if you don't extend it to others you're kind of missing the point.

43

I feel fucked,
but in a good way.

75

karma isn't a bitch;

It's a mirror.

18

America and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead,
but America has a Trump card.

13

whenever i would ask my dad how to spell something, he would respond "do you want to know how it's spelled or how i spell it".

17

me: do you want to watch golf or porn?

keith: porn, you already know how to golf.

me: bastard.

15

why is everybody so sad here?

Its weeeekend!!!!
Lets have a party and drink untill we all feel good!

I'll do the cocktails

23

Social Magician

13

Deciphered Destinations

11

I'm doing all right, getting good grades.
The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades.

16

My business card is a piece of pizza crust

17

I don't know how
to talk in science,
only heart and
nonsense.

24

I don't always Google stuff, but when I do, I don't know how to spell it.

17

sometimes i wonder how you put up with me, but then i realize that i put up with you. so we're even.

23

hillary clinton may become the first f president. sorry, i meant female but the emale got deleted.

18

My head is so far up my own ass,
I can see the future.

20

i won't be impressed by technology until i can download food.

31

keith: can i eat your ass?

me: i want you to talk me through your thought process of choosing that opener over "good morning".

keith: so is that a no?

15

me: *waters plants*

plants: yes daddy all over my face.

me: what?

15

this fucking commercial just said the cost of a funeral is 7,000 to 10,000. i can't even afford to die!

20

Anything that costs you your peace is too expensive.

117

Pornhub, because sometimes i get the urge to splurge.

10

remember that one time that you shut-up?

i loved that!

19

I'm sorry that i offended you, i didn't think you would get it.

28

Galileo: great mind

Einstein: genius mind

Newton: extraordinary mind

Bill Gates: brilliant mind

me: nevermind

15

It's nearly impossible to measure another persons effort, unless the person is one of your other personalities trying out for the fight club you started last weekend.

24

thank you for your telefonation. bis später.

11

can someone please remove the drowned rat from the pool? now!

11

man muss sich ja wundern, wieviel schlechtes benehmen unterwegs ist. aber respekt wollen...

10

You don't have to be crazy to hang out with me...
I'll train you!

60

i can't promise to fix all your problems, but i can promise you won't have to face them alone.

46

SENDING YOU A
VIRTUAL HUG

••••••••oo
loading 80%

20

Is it weird that my wife will only have sex if I Face Swap with her personal trainer?

9

i think it was a mistake sitting here listening to you eat, now I'm not having sex with you.

9

ich werd' niemals so wie ihr, denn ihr träumt nur noch im schlaf um am tag zu funktionieren.

10

COFFEE:
that weird substance that makes 'leave me the fuck alone' into 'good morning'

19

mum: give me a kiss.

me: eewww mother! don't kiss me with your mouth open.

mum: give me a kiss like you mean it.

me: quit it, you're sick! are you drunk already?

mum: I'm working on it!

10

If I'd get a dollar for everytime I thought about you, I'd start thinking about you.

33

some lives are linked across time.

19

My father had taught me to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you've been mean to someone, they won't believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it's time to stop being nice, then destroy them.

18

If a guy does something nice to his girlfriend, but she doesn't brag about it on social media...

Did he really do it?

15

People amaze me.

It's so double edged.

32

everybody wants change, but no one wants to change.

24

mum: what are you doing?

me: doing some shopping in your pantry.

mum: tell keith to take you shopping.

me: mother, it's easier to come to your house. and besides it's free!

mum: ugh, asshole.

12

If you've heard this story before - don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

9

A black cat crossing your path - signifies that the animal is going somewhere

33

You can fake your age or mask it -

but the passion that moves the characters has to be real

7

there will be snow on the hills of hell before i do that!

12

bollocks
to that!

11

i
walk
alone...

15

I've successfully been rescheduling the same dentist appointment since 2007.

44

I'm not needy. I'm wanty.

32

I NEED A COFFEE THE SIZE OF MY ASS.

13

don't tell me your doors are always open for me when you won't even open your heart for me.

21

grammar is the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you're nuts.

7

some open minds should be closed for repairs.

12

fuck attractive people...

that's the plan.

10

Don't feel
so special
My Ex
fucks
everyone

55

two men traveled the world. one carried a suitcase, the other a backpack.

the first man watched the world; the second man touched it.

19

It's no wonder Earthworms don't have ears, those fucking early birds are noisy.

23

Fond memories of summer vacations with the family when I was young. Always a road trip, four of us in the car, pit stoping from one relative to the next for weeks and doubling back on the way home. That car was like a game of Tetris at every stop.

11

you know , you're a traveler, if you have a small suitcase , which you use for 4 months and other people using this for 2 weeks vacation .

10

Dynamic singularities that express the human experience are often devalued by a distinction of terms.

17

the human brain is amazing,
it works 24/7 and only stops when you have to take a test or talk to someone you find
attractive

36

it dseon't mttaer waht oredr the lrteets of a wrod are in, as lnog as the frsit and lsat lteetrs are in the prpeor plcae, it's stlil redabale!

29

1,000
followers.

thanks
guys.

25

this is the part where i walk away.

18

I told her she was beautiful, and I could tell the stars agreed from the way they formed constellations in her eyes.

77

My Donald Trump tax jokes are none of your business.

10

me: can i ask a question, why is it so fucking humid?

keith: it's called living in the south babe.

me: ugh, i need a shower...coming?

keith: I'm on my way.

13

It's been a rough week.
But on the other hand, I didn't need any bail money or hide any body's

20

Das Herz hat seine eigenen Gründe.

15

••• •••
•••••• ••••••
•••••••••••••••
•••••••••••••••
••• BOLD •••
•••••••••••••
••••••••••
•••••••
•••••
••
•

25

what's a little murder between friends?

16

instead of telling people I'm 26 I'm going to tell people I'm 36 and they'll totally be amazed how fucking young i look. I'm genius.

26

One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.

54

in a room full of art, i'd still stare at you.

14

i choose you. and I'll choose you, over and over and over. without a pause. without a doubt, in a heartbeat I'll keep choosing you.

13

i have an entire forest living inside me, and you have carved your intials into every tree.

9

friendship is not about who you've known the longest. it's about who walked into your life and said, "i'm here for you" and proved it.

22

Dear realists, one day I'll willingly share a piece of my pie in the sky with you.

46

Autocorrect has not yet learned how much I swear and how little I talk about ducks.

87

I'm just gonna lay here until someone decides what to do with my life.

28

Revenge is a dish best not served.

31

You don't know me until you've stayed up till 4am with me.

17

An eye for an eye...

...makes the whole world blind...

28

currently...
I'm fucking busy
-and unfortunately it's not the other way around.

15

It's funny how we fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time.

6

when is the devil to tired to raise hell?

11

dear customer service,

first of all i'm typing this with my middle finger........

13

i've been in 2 milliniums, 2 centuries, 3 decades. seen the first black president, the twin towers fall, bin laden killed, micheal jackson die. a royal wedding between a prince and a commoner, 9 planets became 8. i've seen storms like hurricane katrina, tsunami in east asia, earthquake in haiti, survived Y2k and the mayan apocolypse i'm not even 30.

17

I think,
perhaps,
I was
always
yours.

39

I'm half asleep, totally naked, and waiting for the light at this intersection to change.

10

What's the time?

PAYBACK TIME!!!

19

So many years of education, yet nobody taught us how to love ourselves.

107

to all of you missing their mom,
my thoughts are with you!
XOXO

33

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they will find a Nokia still on half battery.

82

THE EXPERT IN ANYTHING WAS ONCE A BEGINNER!

64

Guess what i'm wearing..?

The smile you gave me..^_^

35

If stress was a drug i would be high as fuck.

39

Being bold enough to walk to the beat of your own drum - never goes out of style.

70

somebody call
my
agent!

11

*touches your butt*

It was just an assident.

17

Proud to Love my
Family and Friends.

25

It isn't possible to love someone "too much."

I know that now.

40

SHIT •

24

you call it Disney,
I call it home.

25

If we're just friends I'd rather be your enemy, so we can do all the things you're holding back from me...

So let's be enemies.

11

you can't always control who walks into your life, but you can control wich window to throw that person out

33

the years fly by,
even the terrible ones

41

I get it other planets,
I have no life either.

55

I get it other planets,
I have no life either.

81

I made plans for Wednesday.
I feel like a friggin Time Traveler.

32

white shirt
blue denim
nude night

20

Versau dir nicht den Tag mit einem schlechten Gewissen.

13

Because someone we love is in heaven, there's a little bit of heaven in our home.

25

OMG
I finally discovered what is wrong with my brain!
On the left side there is nothing right and on the right side there is nothing left

34

lazy rule:
if it falls under the bed it is lost forever

26

don't drake and drive... you'll end up at your ex's place

13

MY REVENGE WILL BE ARTISTIC, NOT PERSONAL.

36

Der Montag fährt ein wie eine Darm-spiegelung.

11

One day you'll laugh so much that you forget you have scars.

24

I've decided to leave my past behind me,
so if I owe you money.....

I'm sorry but I've moved on

34

It's weird, as I
thought about
him this morning,
and wondered if
he was okay...

21

facebook makes you hate people you already know

&boldomatic makes you love people you've never met

145

time apart may be difficult but it also keeps the flame alive •••

3

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