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Posts Liked by gloriaRN

$I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them$

102

Just got a booty call from life -

apparently it still wants to keep fucking me.

35

I like the noise you make when you shut the fuck up.

41

I used to be fucking stupid.
But then we broke up.

35

They say you are what you eat.

Somehow I can't remember eating a fucking legend.

23

You can't ruin a friendship with sex.

That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

31

i want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile.
then you walk into a pole.

28

the moment when
a certain scent automatically reminds you of somebody...

28

I really wish I could unfuck you.

41

It has been a long week... I need one of those hugs that turn into sex.

104

I hope you step on LEGO.

45

I hear voices...

shouldn't have left my headphones at home.

53

Lost your phone?
Didn't have your contacts backed up?

Don't worry, the NSA has them all saved for you •

37

I'm gonna kill you.
Hahaha.
No, seriously. Run.

50

I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

34

come to
the dark
side,

we offer
free wifi.*

66

Everybody should stop making fun of Justin Bieber.
That poor girl...

61

You can't make everyone happy.

So just concentrate
on me.

84

how do you feel when there is no coffee?

depresso.

87

i'm super lazy today.

which is like normal lazy, but i'm also wearing a cape.

18

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday, very nice, but I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch!

10

Dear Karma,

I have list of people you've missed

55

i don't have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long.

55

DON'T WORRY
IT ONLY SEEMS KINKY THE FIRST TIME

47

sometimes, the best form of birthcontrol is a good lighting.

26

If I was a bird, I know who I'd shit on first.

42

I heard some hipsters drowned.
They must have fallen into the mainstream.

65

i am as motivated as the guy who drew the japanese flag.

27

When
I'm flirting
with you,
please cooperate •

101

A good
man can make
you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world..

oh sorry,
that's wine..
wine does that •

52

"What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.”

- Super Mario

62

color of your pants
+
the last thing you ate
=
your band name

43

itunes has got it all wrong the hottest single of the year is me

20

What doesn't kill us makes our drinks stronger

73

You can't laugh at yourself?

Don't worry.
I can do it for you.

63

I'm pretty sure this whole 'ladies first' thing was created by a guy to check out ass.

72

The truth is, everyone's going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.

- Bob Marley

178

Before you judge me, make sure you're perfect.

100

Silence is golden,
unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.

93

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.

Unless you' re in prison.

76

The guy who discovered milk...
What was he doing with the cow?

114

always trust people who like big butts.

they can not lie.

65

May all your ups and downs be between the sheets.

54

I molested myself last night. I said no, but I knew I wanted it.

31

BACTERIA
THE
ONLY
CULTURE
SOME
PEOPLE
HAVE

68

May all your ups and downs be between the sheets.

70

I put redbull in my coffee this morning instead of water.
And now I can see noises.

77

teeth:
because blow jobs need to come with a gentle reminder of who's really in charge

95

Hey Santa, you know who else liked to judge people?
That dude Hitler.

54

This year I'm secretly stuffing the turkey with marijuana so everyone can relax and enjoy my cooking for once.

48

I SO CAN'T WAIT TO BE ASHAMED OF WHAT I DO THIS WEEKEND!

91

Sex jokes are not funny. I mean cum on people.

152

"I don't think I could stab anyone. Let's be honest, I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun".

70

I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond this morning.

101

Don't add winky face emoticons to anything unless you want me to take it sexually.

41

if you think women are the weaker sex try pulling the blankets back to your side

21

currently...
I'm fucking busy
-and unfortunately it's not the other way around.

43

I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account, so I just go around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times. I've got three followers so far but I think at least two are cops.

135

Let's play
"Your clothes don't like you."

81

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers.

63

Men who say women belong in the kitchen obviously dont know what to do with them in the bedroom.

41

Oh, you're dating my ex?

Cool, I'm eating a sandwich.
Want those leftovers too?

117

Sex? No thanks, my life fucks me every day

117

took a nude photo of myself. with the lights off.

you're welcome.

34

I love listening to lies when I know the truth...

226

Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos - what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

131

NSA liked
a post
of yours

111

leave my head
or
start paying rent

103

Have you ever looked at someone and thought...

'Yep... you have a person locked in your basement.'

163

When i die i want my tombstone to offer free WiFi so people will visit me more often.

85

90% of my socks are single, and you don't see them crying about it

105

what's the difference between a homeless guy and a hipster?

-the iPhone

105

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

197

the
only
DATES
i get are

UPDATES

50

THIS IS BY FAR YOUR MOST FUCKED UP IDEA EVER... I'LL BE THERE IN 10MINUTES.

208

I may look calm but in my head I have already killed you three times AND hid the body.

241

Never
make eye contact while eating banana.

339

Skinny girls think they are chubby,
chubby girls think they're fat
and fat girls think they can wear leggings •

39

I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY
AND MAYBE
A LITTLE BIT NAKED.

265

i'm wearing my friday socks.

they're like normal socks, but they're ready to party.

83

I just took a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

271

others have sex in the kitchen, I eat in bed

367

It's not illegal. It's just frowned upon. Like masturbating on an airplane.

1546

There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying,

"I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."

539

You look like something
I draw with my left hand.

959

Santa is always talking about hoes. I guess he likes the naughty ones.

23

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