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Im fluent in three languages: English, Sarcasm, and Profanity.
It is the ironic curse of the author to wish for success only to have it kill you when you find it.
There's no "we" in chocolate.
The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe.
The next time your wife gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and say, "Now you're SUPER ANGRY!!" Maybe she'll laugh. Maybe you'll die.
Technically, if you dont cut a cake and eat the whole thing, you only had one piece.
A Wise Old Karate Sensei (Soft, slow, serious) “You seek speed. But speed is not the secret. Clarity is the secret. Once you know the strike must land it already has.”
If at first you do succeed, try not to look surprised.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing me from taking a nap.
One day I'm gonna make the onions cry.
Age is just a number. In my case, a really high one.
Mistakes. They always wait patiently for someone to make them.
I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Sorry, Winter hibernation done come early. So, what did I miss?
My mind is like the Bermuda Triangle: information goes in and never comes out.
I'm writing a book on procrastination. I'll start tomorrow.
Remember, you've already proven that you can survive the things that were meant to break you.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Silent Night
One minute you're young and fun. The next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough so no one thinks I'm dead.
(Irritable, precise, barely holding it together) “I would love to act on my ideas quickly, but my brain has instituted a bureaucratic process. Form 27-B must be stamped by the Department of Overthinking, then countersigned by the Ministry of Mild Panic, and only then may I attempt to get anything done. By which point I've forgotten the idea entirely. Efficiency! Hah! My mind is run by civil servants in wet socks.”
To cheer yourself up from the empty advent calendars, paste on the false eye lashes sample on those google eyes - arrange accordingly for hours of endless funzz
Gravity exists purely to keep your toast jam-side down. Science still can’t explain the rest of your day.
It is the ironic curse of the author to wish for success only to have it kill you when you find it.
My mind is like the Bermuda Triangle: information goes in and never comes out.
I heard they are putting chips inside of people.... ...I hope I get Doritos...
Finally went on a date. Everything was great till she asked me 'Boxers or briefs?' I said 'Depends'... She just turned around and left.
my goodness! when will people understand that it's a PIECE PRIZE!!
piece prize (as in piece of shijt)
LET'S PRETEND I GIVE A SHIT AND LEAVE IT AT THAT
Dentist: Do you smoke or drink coffee? Me: I drink it. Dentist: ...
so, the advent calendars came at last - empty of chocolate!!! Its come down to DIY advent calendars now?!?
I'm writing a book on procrastination. I'll start tomorrow.
You are here. Against all odds. A bundle of atoms with opinions, shoes, and unfinished laundry.
I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
I was going to take over the world, but I overslept.
MUSE you are half of this script and the whole of my heart until I get a life partner - lonelyscribe
There's no "we" in chocolate.
Rudolf Steiner lieferte keine Wissenschaft, sondern Dogmatik: ein spirituelles Baukastensystem, dem man nur folgt, wenn man bereit ist, die Vernunft am Eingang abzugeben.
"Mr. President I ask questions, not permission." - Megan Casella (CNBC Correspondent)
Gravity exists purely to keep your toast jam-side down. Science still can’t explain the rest of your day.
fri end less less, is not more
To cheer yourself up from the empty advent calendars, paste on the false eye lashes sample on those google eyes - arrange accordingly for hours of endless funzz
I don't hate anyone except that one guy who invented cottage cheese.
I always fill the silence. This time I am not. So you understand what you do to me. - lonelyscribe
Much like drinking or laundry or drinking while doing the laundry, Christmas music is something that you have to be “in the mood” for.
It's not illegal. It's just frowned upon. Like masturbating on an airplane.
laundry today or naked tomorrow
You look like something I draw with my left hand.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying, "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
Whenever I delete an app on my phone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed •
My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said; "no, we all seem to enjoy it"
I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT
If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
LISTEN TO SILENCE
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything
I love waving at random people, because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.
If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself
Voices in your head - normal Listening to them - common Arguing with them - acceptable Losing the argument - BIG PROBLEM
i just burnt my tongue on some food they say the ones you love hurt you the most
THIS "NORMAL" YOU SPEAK OF DOESN'T SOUND FUN AT ALL.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Sun goes down earlier for short people.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
justice is a beautiful concept. unicorns too.
I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty and I could not have described it any better
Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.
10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion. 90% are due to wrong tone of voice.
I like to be alone. But I would rather be alone with you.
i've fallen in love with you, but you don't exist.
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