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Floki

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Floki

1996: Stop playing pokemon and go outside.

2016:Stop playing pokemon and come inside.

54

I Finished Your Laundry, The Ashes Are In The Fire Place.

49

2019: Stay away from negative people.

2020: Stay away from positive people.

28

People don't abandon the people they love, they abandon the people they were using...

30

The tans will fade but the memories will last forever.

22

These days my life is like Murphy's law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong!

19

Planets in space in 2025:

Mercury
Venus
GOOGLE
Mars
Jupiter
Saturn
Uranus
Neptune
Pluto

17

If you cry for no apparent reason, your soul is just doing its laundry.

29

When the past calls,let it go to voicemail.. it has got nothing new to say.

20

sometimes the catch is not worth the chase!

11

It's ok to look back at the past,But just don't stare at it.

20

What if the coins we find under our cushions and on the ground are from spiders paying their rent ?

19

Your strengths are there to be recognized,but your weaknesses are there to get drunk and partaay.

15

Good people are probably the ones that feel like bad people the most.

23

If my ship ever did come in, with my luck, I'm pretty sure it would be named the Titanic!

11

Waitress: do you have any questions about the menu?

Me: what kind of font is this?

13

Michigan Protestors :
We are going out no matter what!

Mother Nature: Hold my beer...

11

Tobacco companies kill their best customers, while condom companies kill their future customers.

17

Barbies get fat too, if you microwave them.

11

People who sleep walk literally follow their dreams.

14

Sleep doesn't help if it's your soul that's tired.

17

Some finish high school, some finish school high...

13

When you are a kid, dare is the scarier option.

When you are an adult, its truth.

11

More often than not, "FYI" stands for "Fuck You Idiot."

13

You can't force someone to love you, you can only stalk them and hope for the best.

14

My parents taught me to be kind,humble,honest,
hardworking, and to save an unnecessary fuckton of plastic bags under the sink.

15

I just read that a priest blamed gay people for the earthquake in New Zealand. How hard does he think those guys are ramming each other?

14

I don't call it getting lost.
I call it making my own directions.

14

Pizza is my second favourite thing to eat in bed.

14

It's weird when my computer asks me if i want to continue unprotected ?

14

If you break the laws of man,you go to jail.

If you break the laws of God, you go to hell.

If you break the laws of physics,you go to Sweden and get the nobel prize.

14

They should hand out a gold medal to the oldest person on earth during each olympics, because life is the toughest sport
of all.

11

A smile is the best curve on a woman and it makes your butt look smaller.

14

Feeling

"Fridaylicious"

13

A sheep spends her whole life fearing the wolves, and gets eaten in the end by the shepherd.

13

He was busy in the streets,while she was crying in her sheets.

13

Most things in life are as easy as riding a bike.

NAKED.

DOWN A STEEP HILL.

IN A RAINSTORM.

WITH NO BRAKES.

13

They start missing you when they fail at replacing you.

12

Do

more

Dont's

12

This morning i saw a pigeon crash in to the side of a Man's head.
I'm not sure if it was an accident,or if the man had been sleeping with the pigeon's wife.

13

With alcohol: Nights are great,mornings are shit.

Without alcohol: mornings are great,nights are shit.

Cheers to many more shit mornings.

12

The world is my
oyster.

Unfortunately,
I have a shellfish allergy.

12

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit and Wisdom is knowing not to put it into a fruit salad!

12

You laugh because you think you're getting to me.
I laugh because you think I care.

11

Be grateful to those who have abandoned you, for they have taught you to be independent.

11

Haters are like crickets, you can hear them talk but as soon as you walk by them they become silent.

11

2016: Trump won't win.

2017: President Trump can't do that, can he?

2018: You watching the hunger games tonight? I hope my District wins.

11

"It cost's $0.00 to be nice to people."

11

Human soup: A busy public swimming pool.

10

Delta airlines slogan is "keep climbing."

My preferred choice would have been "Keep landing."

11

Spiders are just web developers that are happy to find bugs.

11

Today i went to the toilet without my phone and there are 112 tiles in the bathroom.

8

You'll never realize how strong you are until you have no other choice but to be strong.

10

There comes a point in life where you have to just write your sorrows in the sands and let the tides gently wash them away.

10

I can ytpe 300 wrosd pre mnitue wtih the hlep of auto corrupt.

10

I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out,she's worth a shot.

10

Potatoes give us chips, fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, other vegetables.

10

I didn't sell my soul to Satan, but we did work out a rent-to-own deal.

7

Sometimes you just have to be your own hero & save your own heart. Because sometimes the people that you cannot imagine living without, can live without you.

9

To be truly independent is to support ourselves by our own exertions. The best place to find a helping hand, is at the end of your own arm.

9

Your child is growing up when he stops asking you where he came from and starts refusing to tell where he is going to.

9

We get taxed on what we earn and then again on what we spend it on.

9

So many will go searching for pokemon but won't go searching for themselves.

9

'The bigger they are, the harder they fall' does not apply to balloons.

9

Heelys might make a come back because of pokemon go.

9

Your happiness
has expired.

Please login
Again.

9

When I turned 10, I realized how dumb everything I said as a young child was.

When I turned 20,I realized how dumb everything I said in my teens was.

Now I'm realizing why old people dont talk much.

9

I know a little suffering is good for the soul, but somebody must be trying to make a saint outta me.

9

A three day weekend feels like 2 Saturdays or
2 Sundays.

9

Here you go doctor, I'm donating my plasma tv since i recovered from covid last week...

8

Being independent is never a fault. Too many people who don't know how to be,Don't know how to handle the ones who are.

8

If someone asks me if i "have a sec" then i answer "I have lots of secs", just to make them forget their original question.

8

In some parts of the world people still pray in the streets. In this country they are called pedestrains.

8

A kiss on the lips is just shopping upstairs for the downstairs merchandise.

8

Being an adult is realizing that $5000 is lot of money to owe and very little money to own.

8

Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next." so i started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

8

To some people, the world looks clearer through freshly licked windows.

8

To reset your password, please enter your password.

~ cuntputer.

8

Came home with flowers on friday night but she says,"Great now i have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Confused me asked, Why? don't we have any vases?

7

I used to be lost in the shuffle,now i just shuffle along with the lost.

7

Some people grow up and spread cheer, Some just grow up and spread like weed.

7

A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns.

7

A boy becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world has nothing to do with Tyres.

7

I once made love to her for an hour and ten minutes but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

7

If you laugh i'll laugh with you but if you snore you will sleep alone.

7

Sometimes it's easier to say you don't care...than to explain all the reasons why you do.

7

PIE-SEXUAL :

A gender preference for pizza lovers.

7

I was told that there would always be days like this, just wasn't told there would be so many.

6

Not perfect
but not
plastic.

7

My small toe always finds the legs of furniture before my eyes do.

6

Lips that touch liquor touches other lips quicker.

6

If I cared what everyone else thought, I'd be just like everyone else, and there's already too many of them.

6

We can avoid making choices by doing nothing,But even that is a decision.

6

I had amnesia once or twice... i think.

6

The Dude infront of me got cock blocked by Visa,Saying your card is declined while getting some Rubbers for the night.

6

Sometimes you wish you could go back in time and change things..then you realize everything you would lose and decide it's better off this way.

6

The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.

6

A man in bathroom with a tool in his hands is not necessarily a plumber.

6

Hearts will sacrifice its do or die.

6

I couldn't fix your brakes so i made your horn louder.

6

The only thing wrong about a perfect drive to work, is that you end up at work.

6

What 'ISIS' really stands for:

INSANE
SOCIOPATHIC
IDIOTIC
SHITHEADERY.

6

Some days i want a "do-over" and other days i just want a "be-over!"

6

Mount and Do me.

~MtnDew

6

Don't be so HARD ON yourself,
No.

5

Be careful on that high horse sweetie. it's a long way down.

5

Into everyones life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

5

Wash your face in the morning, Neck at night.

5

Dig where the gold is,Not where the hole is.

5

He had his left side removed.
He's all right now.

4

Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children aren't enough?

5

Vodka makes everthing
better.

5

$----> \_/ That's my 'Care cup'. see how empty it is?$

5

SINNOVATION :

Finding new ways
to be naughty.

5

PHATO :

A photo that makes you look fat.

5

An apple a day keeps the doctor away

An orange a day keeps the delivery guy away

Basically if you throw fruit at people they go away.

5

After all we are just humans.Ants in a big world.

5

Sorry, we are closed for the season.

5

Live together like brothers and do business like strangers.

4

I watch a dog chase her tail for 15 minutes.Then i thought of how easily they are entertained.Then i realized i just watched a dog chase there tail for 15 minutes.

4

It's always nice to give back a little of what has been done to you.

4

if it was not meant to be eaten it wouldn't be shaped like a taco.

4

Okay life, new rule. You have got to at least start asking me to bend over first.

4

Blood just makes you kind, loyalty makes you family.

4

Men doesn't pay hooker for sex,They pays her to leave.

4

Man who sinks into woman's arms will soon sink into woman's sink.

4

I had a great neighborhood watch going when i was a kid...until she closed her curtains.

4

who's your friend?

She wouldn't like you

Is that what i asked you overactive cockblocking agent of satan?

4

You'll always be too much of something for someone:too big, too loud,too soft,too edgy. if you round out your edges, you loose your edge. Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone but don't Apologize for being who you are.

4

My job is to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.

~Karma

4

Government is considering giving out checks to people to buy more toilet paper.

4

"is only when a mosquito lands on your balls that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence"

4

Behind the scenes is where the work is done.

4

Casino operators: We are open to take your money back.

4

Reporter: what do you think about president trump?

Police chief: He needs to keep his mouth shut.

Home Depot: We have duct tape on sale..isle 9.

4

The only way trump gets to 270 now is if he loses 50 lbs.

4

when you feel sad, just remember somewhere in this world there's an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH".

3

Some Men are like dogs... always sniffing around for somewhere to bury a bone.

3

I'm not as good as I should be but not as bad as I could be.

3

Behind this innocent smile I hide a blade.

3

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Austria.

3

If the first tear you cry falls from your right eye it is out of happiness,if it falls from your left eye, it is out of sadness and pain but if it comes from your nose you need to take NyQuil.

3

Some men socialize by insulting each other but they don't really mean it. Some Women socialize by complimenting each other. they don't mean it either.

3

I just tried concentrating on that one single blade on my ceiling fan while it is in full rotation for 1 minute.Then i realized i just burnt 5 fucking calories.

3

women who puts detergent on top shelf,Jumps for joy.

3

Men who fights with his women,gets no *piece at night.

3

Man with a hole in his pocket feels cocky all day long.

3

It's good for a girl to meet boy in park,but better for a boy to park meat in girl.

3

Seven days on honeymoon makes one hole weak.

3

She didn't hit him harder but she hit him in the lower.

3

Dr. fauci: This virus will be with us until fall.

Trump: Until i fall?

3

Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.

3

Women sitting in church has HOPE in her SOUL, Women sitting in her bubble bath has SOAP in her HOLE.

2

Men,Stop acting like God's gift to women. The gift was the Orgasm, we are just the messengers.

2

Never push a person to the point of them not giving a fuck anymore.

2

Damn that's a deep hole. You look stuck. How did you get in there? What? You dug it? Oh. Sucks to be you.

2

While you're sitting there all day playing call of duty, your girl is calling a stranger to come and DO your duty.

1

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