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Posts Liked by zisi

Some people are so open minded their brains fall out.

59

Trash talked by many.
Hated by some.
Guess how many fucks i give?
It's less than 1.

36

I take super hot showers to practice burning in hell.

49

I asked her, do you want to see me naked?

Yes, she answered.

I released my soul, she ran screaming her way.

33

Never put happiness in someone else's hands. The same goes for your fries.

30

Squirrels are basically rat hardware running monkey software...

37

Dogs can be our best friends, but a cat will never tell the police where the marijuana is

51

I am not sorry if
you don't understand
my level of thinking

53

museums are awesome because everyone shuts the fuck up

57

As of late I've found that physical attraction is no longer enough. I need genuine connection. I need to undress the layers of a soul before I feel a desire to tear away any clothes. Passion remains the fire, but now intimacy strikes the match, and friendship has become the fuel.

50

I am surrounded by sleeping, purring balls of feline fluff

8

Too strict parents only make you into a better liar

12

yes, i walked away in mid-conversation...

you were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in

12

I physically crave you

11

sorry about the bite marks

18

I've not yet met anyone I couldn't piss off.

19

When used to privileges, equality feels like discrimination.

47

I'm at that awkward stage between birth and death. I also find it very tiring.

45

Surefire way to a womans heart...

1. Listen and empathize
2. Laugh, cry and drink together
3. Be unselfish (especially in the bedroom)
4. Forget ever winning another argument
5. Keep chocolate handy

14

GUCK MICH NICHT IN DIESEM TON AN!

26

the wind rustles gently through
the leaves
as if my fingers were stroking through your hair

32

Trying to describe what you feel is like taking a picture of the moon with the mobile....

65

laughing is when a smile has an orgasm

24

let the heat from holding hands leave a map to liberate us from this cold, silent emptiness.

29

He was like fire in my lungs...

eating up all my oxygen

45

Forecast:

Fucked

30

You are
gravity
in my
universe.

48

The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant.

The population is growing.

58

Somewhere, Banksy is anxiously holding his spray can, waiting for trump to build the wall

63

Sometimes;
I question my sanity,

Sometimes;
it replies.

66

Am
Rande
des
Wahnsinns
stehen
keine
Geländer.

34

If you've had sex with less than 12 people, people that have had sex with you belong to a more exclusive club than those who have walked on the moon.

54

Realizing that you are loved is like feeling the warm sun on your skin after a long winter.

70

Yet, despite the look on my face, you're still talking.

54

I wish I had as much confidence as our cat does when he licks his ass in the middle of a room full of people.

68

My goal in life is to piss off at least one person a day.

So far I'm about 12 years ahead of schedule

94

After we've destroyed everything, you up for a cappuccino?

61

Nature is busy
creating absolutely
unique individuals,
whereas culture
has invented a
single mould to
which all must
conform. It is
grotesque.

77

"Fuck it" tends to be the last thought I have before making a decision.

110

She wears strength and darkness equally well, the girl has always been half goddess, half hell.

81

The risk I took was calculated..

But man,

I'm bad at math..

116

listen carefully to what people don't say

162

I'm not great at advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

108

My office
password's been
hacked. That's the third time I've
had to rename
the cat...

33

When I was a
baby, an evil fairy cursed me with
an expensive taste and no money.

113

Whatever,
I have boobs.

119

Out of all of my body parts I feel like my eyes are in the best shape. I do at least a thousand eye rolls a day.

107

Beauty on the inside doesn't get you free drinks.

133

walk with me on the shady side of life

102

Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them.

I do.

42

middle fingers up if you dont give a fuck

146

have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered...

"who ties your shoelaces for you?"

280

The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success

213

He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him and I'll ask him again when he wakes up. ..

157

I know I should respect your opinion but I find that difficult because you're a fucking idiot.

41

My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in tampon commercials.

237

do not wear your mistletoe belt buckle to your office christmas party!!

76

Thanks for pretending not to see me when I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have.

193

I like people the way I like my tea.

I hate tea.

236

Don't be ashamed of who you are.

That's your parents job.

270

The word "Listen" has the same letters as the word "Silent".

"So Shut Up"

249

your demons and
mine want to have dinner some time.

188

oh honey, I'm not insulting you,
I'm just describing you

55

why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone?

85

Wow, that was rather inappropriate.

Let's be friends.

193

My love is like a candle.

If you forget me, I'll burn your house down.

353

I don't watch soccer...

If I want to spend 90 minutes watching people struggling to score, I take my friends to a bar.

398

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

734

If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

572

stuff you ask your mom:
-mom what do we eat for dinner
-mom when do you come back
-mom what day is it
-mom what time is it
-mom where's my phone

stuff you ask your dad:
-dad where is mom

39

Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.

31

I use sarcasm because it's illegal to kill

208

Silence
is golden but duct tape is silver

74

Common sense is a flower that doesn't grow in everyone's garden.

102

YOUNG, WILD AND RETARDED.

262

Did you know that if you put your ear up a strangers leg you can hear them say:
What the fuck are you doing?!?

258

having a vagina doesn't stop me from believing that my balls are bigger than yours.

201

Be yourself. The world worships idiots.

16

the problem is not being a sheep, the problem is following the wrong shepherd

133

spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon

70

oh no, I'm not shy. my mom just told me if l have nothing nice to say it's better not to talk at all.

16

Cell phones ruined the fun from pushing a fully clothed person into the pool.

53

The jumping point is:
My english is not the yellow from the egg.

And that makes me foxdevilswild.

46

out of all the lies i've told, 'just kidding!' is my favourite.

94

When a man says you're ugly, he's just being mean. When a woman says you're ugly, she's just jealous. When a child says you're ugly, you're ugly.

139

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning Satan shudders and says, "Oh no...she is awake!"

83

i'm not
anti-social.

i'm
anti-stupid.

195

Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

170

"I don't think I could stab anyone. Let's be honest, I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun".

84

everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear.

115

Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people. We haven't met yet.

122

NSA liked
a post
of yours

78

What if the cure for cancer is trapped inside the mind of someone who can't afford an education?

144

Can you
FUCK
read between
YOU
the lines.

82

everytime you speak, i can feel my brain cells committing suicide one by one

126

Greater than my modesty is only my penis.

60

I'm gonna ignore you so hard you'll start to doubt your own existance.

148

Opinions are facts marinated in bullshit.

112

I'd like to offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.

95

if energy can neither be created nor destroyed, what if our souls are a fragmented collection of other people's souls from the past and future? what if our dreams are their memories?

233

others have sex in the kitchen, I eat in bed

455

Put your "faith" between my legs.

238

THIS "NORMAL" YOU SPEAK OF DOESN'T SOUND FUN AT ALL.

428

i remember when music cost money and water was free.

401

DONE IS BETTER THAN PERFECT

234

"Angeklagter, warum haben Sie das Opfer aus dem Zug geworfen ?"

"Er hatte die Tastentöne eingeschaltet."

"Freispruch. Sie können gehen."

12

8,5 cm reichen völlig aus, um eine Frau glücklich zu machen...

Dabei ist es absolut unbedeutend, ob VISA oder MasterCard drauf steht !

35

Wenn du nur schwarz und weiß kennst, ist grau eine Erfahrung und bunt ein großes Abenteuer.

19

Me: I wanna go on a diet.

Food: Hahahaha No.

23

i am as motivated as the guy who drew the japanese flag.

263

I HATE BEING
BIPOLAR
IT IS AWESOME

340

an eye for an eye would make the world blind.

177

BEAST
MODE

» ON

203

I may look calm but in my head I have already killed you three times AND hid the body.

241

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

29

THE ONE GOOD THING ABOUT BAD TASTE IS THAT YOU DON'T KNOW YOU HAVE IT.

24

to be is to do - Socrates.

to do is to be - Sartre.

do be do be do - Sinatra.

27

I find the best way to get rid of telesales people is to ask them - "What are you wearing?"

32

Those who criticize our generation seem to forget who raised it.

108

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life
-
if I die next thursday.

115

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

197

Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

628

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