Posts Liked by sebatl

You're not
in a serious relationship until he
leaves you in a
room alone with
his phone.

It takes a long time to become young

Pablo Picasso

Studies have shown that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherfuckers

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

So they say that having too much sex can cause memory loss, which is just a little something I seem to remember reading in a Rolling Stone magazine once on page 64 paragraphs 3 through 5 while sitting on a park bench October 14th 2002 at 3:46pm.

Well, to be frank,
I'd have to change my name.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.
That's 7 years in a row now.

If you see your glass as half empty pour it into a smaller glass and get a life.

I tried sleeping my way to the top but got fired for napping at my desk instead.

My boobs and my smile always have been my usp.

A goal without a plan is just a wish!!

I'm actually not funny;

I'm just mean
and people
think I'm joking

Strong people stand up for themselves, but
Stronger people stand up for others....

AUSTRALIAN KISS

( Like a french kiss but down under. . . )

Pardon my French, but watch le fuck out

Lovers come and go, but true friends will always be there by your side to shout: "I told you..."

THE SLAVES OF TODAY ARE NOT DRIVEN WITH WHIPS, BUT WITH SCHEDULES.

John Steinbeck

YESTERDAY
I REALLY WANTED A BURRITO.
TODAY I AM EATING A BURRITO.
FOLLOW YOUR FUCKING DREAMS.

There are two kinds of people in life: Those who walk into a room and say "Well here I am" and those who walk into a room and say "Ahh there you are"

Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda.

A lot of problems in the world would disappear if we talked to each other instead of talking about each other....

At the touch of love everyone becomes
a poet.

Plato

rash decisions cause itchy privates

stats show that the average person has sex 89 times a year. looks like i'm in store for a wild December !

When you have more than you need build a bigger table - not a higher fence.

Psychology says, you're not afraid to love, you're afraid of not being loved back.....

If you think missing me is hard,
you should try missing
you

You aren't going to get the butt you want sitting on the one you have.

Are you tired? because you've been running through my mind all day

I could do sports and lose 20 kg.
But then I would be nice, smart AND thin. That would not be fair to the others.

I'm going to name my toilet Jim so every morning i can say i went to the gym.

I know right from wrong.
Wrong is the fun one.

IT's OK IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME,
NOT EVERYONE HAS GOOD TASTE?

I get far too little credit for all the things I don't say.

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again.

I am a kid at heart and a 47 year old coal miner at liver.

I wish you could last as long in bed as you do in an argument.

Years, lovers and glasses of wine should never be counted.

Out of all of my body parts I feel like my eyes are in the best shape. I do at least a thousand eye rolls a day.

i have this bumper sticker that says "honk if you think i'm sexy" and then i wait at green lights until i feel better about myself.

Exercise
Exercis
Exerci
Exerc
Exer
Exe
Ex
Extra fries.

Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.....apparently "in HD" was not the right answer...

YOUR
PHONE SCREEN
IS BRIGHTER THAN YOUR FUTURE.

Listening to a bird is like listening to a woman.

Nice voice but impossible to understand.

It's not that diabetes,
heart disease and obesity
runs in your family. It's that no one runs in your
family.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I'm very disappointed with all of you.

Only trust people who like big butts.

They cannot lie.

Apple CEO announces he's gay. Samsung CEO announces he's more gay and water resistant.

If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask you to be your default browser, you're brave enough to ask that girl out.

lazy is a very strong word.
i like to call it selective participation.

slut

a woman
with the
morals of a
man

why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone?

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt

~ Mark Twain

My Smartphonescreen is brighter than your Future

Don't be ashamed of who you are.

That's your parents job.

The word "Listen" has the same letters as the word "Silent".

"So Shut Up"

I heard you should question everything, but why?

Sometimes I feel useless but then
I remember
I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.

I had a great time last night...well thats what the police report says.

rap is like scissors it always loses to rock

Your ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.

Potatoes give us french fries and vodka.

It's your move, celery.

My biography will be titled "Be Yourself And Other Ways To Stay Single."

I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT

When I was a kid....

No wait, I still do that.

My door
is always
open.

Hopefully
you'll leave.

They asked me why I don't have tattoos...
so I told them:

"Do you see a Ferrari
with bumper stickers?"

I swear if my
memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Never depend on someone else to make you happy, that's what alcohol is for.

You're not fat! C'mon, chin up.

No, the other one...

The blurred picture around the smartphone is called life.

Get out of my head and fall into my arms instead.

The most amazing people are the ones that don't speak much, but when they do, they shut up a lot of mouths.

Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.

I don't approve of political jokes

I've seen too many of them get elected.

A church is a hospital for sinners, not a club for saints.

There's no stronger sunscreen than sitting at the bar.

You don't have to be a cowboy to ride off into the sunset.

on a scale of 1 to 10: you are a 9
and i'm the 1 you need

Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.

10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion.

90% are due to wrong tone of voice.

I wish I had boobs so people would stop making eye contact with me.

If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

Ironically, the fight between the mind and the heart always ends up hurting the liver.

laundry today
or
naked tomorrow

When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume its for them?

There are two kinds of people in this world.
You and every one else.

If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

People wait
all week for Friday,
all year for summer,
all life for happiness.

You don't have to be a cowboy to ride off into the sunset.

You must be tired after everything
we did in my dreams last night.

$--------__@ __@ __@ __@ __~@ ----- _`\<,_ _`\<,_ _`\<,_ _`\<,_ _`\<,_ ---- ( * )/ ( * ) ( * )/ ( * ) ( * )/ ( * ) ( * )/ ( * ) ( * )/ ( * ) """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""$

VELO
LOVE

A bicycle runs on fat and saves you money,

a car runs on money and makes you fat.

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.

person: "you're blocking the view."

me: "I am the view."

Men also have feelings.
For example, we can feel hungry.

For those who know nothing about how to satisfy a woman:

The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.

before you judge me, make sure you're perfect

Are you drunk?

[ ] Yes

[ ] No
X

You can't make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.

See that big yellow thing in the sky?Yeah.

The world revolves around that, not you.

Get over it.

chocolate is the answer

-----------------

who cares what the question is

Some people are like clouds.
When they disappear, its a brighter day.

Open your mouth only if what you are going to say is more beautiful than silence •

The bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

What doesn't kill you... can still leave you paralyzed from the neck down.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute.
I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

I've got nothing against God. It's his fan club that I can't stand.

Haters will see you walk on water and say its because you can't swim.

Porn titles always lack depth and imagination. Yes, we all know college girl is trying anal for the 1st time, but what's her major? Her dreams?

Let's get drunk and fall in love every other weekend.

We're going to buy a dog or have a child, but can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or our lives.

Your pants say yoga, but your ass says McDonalds!

What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?
Silicon Valley.

Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.

C. S. Lewis

only when a mosquito lands on your testicles, you realize there's a way to solve problems without using violence.

If Adam and Eve were Chinese,
we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.

Haters will see you walk on water and say its because you can't swim.

Irony is 15 year old mothers using protective covers on their smartphones

beautiful things don't ask for attention

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, then it's probably shit.

better
to loose
a lover
than
to love
a loser

I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don't have.

when alexander graham bell invented the phone, he had three missed calls from chuck norris

recently, i called my mother at 3 am. just to let her know how it is, when she calls me on sunday 1 pm.

you can't have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time

Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

I just took a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.

justice is
a beautiful concept.
unicorns too.

I don't always write unit tests

But when I do,
I don't run them.

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

People complain about auto correct but it’s helpful 99% of the titties.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day unless you have dinner with me.

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

$80% of the people are not good at math. I guess I belong to the other 25%$

Me: for Christmas I
want a unicorn.

Santa: be realistic!

Me: ok I want a
boyfriend.

Santa: what colour do
you want your
unicorn?

It's not the dress that makes you look fat....

... it's the fat!

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.
She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

they say, 1 out of every 3 people cheat in a relationship.

not sure if it's my husband or my boyfriend

if you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else.

Sometimes I use big words I don't always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

When a man says you're ugly, he's just being mean. When a woman says you're ugly, she's just jealous. When a child says you're ugly, you're ugly.

BACTERIA
THE
ONLY
CULTURE
SOME
PEOPLE
HAVE

Extremists have shown what frightens them most. A girl with a book.

Malala Yousaf

The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons
and morons.

Men who say women belong in the kitchen obviously dont know what to do with them in the bedroom.

When I was a boy, my mom would send me to a corner shop with 1$ and I'd bring back 2 leaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, butter, cheese and some marmelade. You can't do that now... Too many fuckin' security cameras.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Shy on the streets, sexy in the sheets.

sometimes, the best form of birthcontrol is a good lighting.

Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. Me? I use coupons to get pizza...

Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

what's the difference between a homeless guy and a hipster?

-the iPhone

It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them-

The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...

if she had 500 likes and 400 comments in a photo, what's missing?
her clothes.

I stepped on a cornflake this morning… Does that make me a cereal killer?

Don't worry, your secret is safe with me... and my best friends. Probably all their friends too.

I like how every racist joke begins by looking over your shoulder.

A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

I'm having a hard time getting over the relationship that we were never in.

Don't try to understand women. Women understand women, and they hate each other.

light travels faster than sound.

that's why some people appear to be bright before they speak.

If women ruled this world, there would be no wars.

Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

your girlfriend is like a lamborghini - you don't have a lamborghini

others have sex in the kitchen, I eat in bed

You look like something
I draw with my left hand.

There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying,

"I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."

a fact of life:
after monday and tuesday even the calender says W T F.....

don't give up on your dreams.

keep sleeping.

You look like I need another drink.

It's better to be late, than to arrive ugly.

It's better to be late, than to arrive ugly.