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Posts Liked by rsteixeira1

People who remind me of myself are the worst

167

They tell me I'm weak, but I am strong. They tell me I'm worthless, but I am loved by many. They tell me I am nothing, but someday I'll be everything to someone.

252

Me: I want a magical unicorn for Christmas!

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: OK, I want 5 minutes to myself each day to have my coffee hot and pee in peace.

Santa: What colour unicorn would you like?

185

if a telemarketer calls, give the telephone to your 3 year-old and tell her it's santa

29

Have you ever noticed that a woman's
"be ready in 5 minutes"
and a man's
"be home in 5 minutes"
are exactly the same?

289

This year I'm secretly stuffing the turkey with marijuana so everyone can relax and enjoy my cooking for once.

164

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive:

"Hi".

159

That moment between Netflix episodes where you see your reflection on the black screen and wonder what the fuck you're doing with your life

234

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