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Posts Liked by oren

Whoever created the five day work week was probably friends with the asshole that invented pants.

141

I don't watch soccer...

If I want to spend 90 minutes watching people struggling to score, I take my friends to a bar.

398

Just bought the only items without FIFA-branding: We'll have toilet brush with olive oil for lunch tomorrow!

5

a speech should be like a mini skirt;

short enough to be interesting,

long enough to cover the subject.

10

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look...that one is shaped like an idiot."

136

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.
She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

90

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing"
It does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

146

People complain about auto correct but it’s helpful 99% of the titties.

95

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