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Posts Liked by M.thomsen

I'm not actually funny. I'm just mean and people think I'm joking.

36

Don't worry, your secret is safe with me... and my best friends. Probably all their friends too.

35

The moment you rewatch childhood movies and actually understand what's going on now.

42

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

38

I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!

42

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

57

I wish more things could be blamed on autocorrect.

64

Love isn't complicated.
People are.

32

I finally found love..

..on page 566 in the dictionary •

34

love is an open door.

an open fridge door..

37

What
a lovely
winter we're having this spring •

46

in reality nobody is afraid to say 'i love you'. everybody is afraid of the reaction after it.

52

If I share my food with you it's either because I love you a lot
or because it fell on the floor...

43

GET
BUSY
LIVING
NOW

66

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute.
I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

91

My love is like a candle.

because if you forget me ill burn your fucking house to the ground.

36

It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones.

I'm always like "I love you" and they're like "Uhm..thank you for choosing Romans Pizza..."

42

I love my toilet. We've been through a lot of shit together.

53

They asked me for drugs, so I told them about your smile.

119

I fell in love with your personality. Your looks are just a bonus.

90

3 horrible things in life:

1) Seeing your mom cry.

2) Seeing the love of your life fall in love with somebody else.

3) Slow Internet.

52

I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because I'm still looking for ideas.

87

I love finding money in my clothes.
It's like a gift from me to me.

123

I love gay people.
Or as I sometimes call them, "people."

107

When you feel that nobody loves you,
nobody cares for you,
everyone is ignoring you,
and people are jealous of you.
You should really ask yourself:

Am I too sexy?!

114

When butterflies
fall in love,
do they feel humans in their
stomach?

106

find a job
you love
and you never work
a day in
your life

39

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

111

I love listening to lies when I know the truth...

226

There's "hell" in hello, "good" in goodbye, "lie" in believe, "over" in lover, "end" in friend, "ex" in "next", & "if" in life.

227

The
only thing stronger than a mother's love is a
garlic breath •

103

Sun goes down earlier for short people.

664

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

18

No sex please, we're British.

8

Never make eye contact when eating a banana.

7

Yo, folks!
There is a big difference between an angel, and an angle.

Just so you know..

4

10 good resolutions for the new year:
. less laziness
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

17

If you think 2014's gonna be a better year, you're wrong,

you never know what Miley Cyrus will do next.

12

my new year's resolution is to stop lying to myself about making lifestyle changes

15

It's time for that 'new year, new me' bullshit again •

15

don't wish for a great 2014. make it great!

13

In 2014 I will either lose weight or become proficient in photoshop.

22

This year I will try not to lose my motivation while losing weight.

22

My goal for 2014 is to accomplish the goals of 2013 which I should've done in 2012 because I promised them in 2011 and planned in 2010.

101

This year I must find a girl who loves me back,

but please, don't let it be my mom!

40

Life is like a box of chocolates.
I ate them all. I don't have a life.

3

If i had $1 for every time i thought about you,
I would have $1, because you never left my mind.

47

And then, she said, "you're not THAT ugly..."

10

When people hurt you over and over, think them as sandpaper. They scratch and hurt you. But later, you will be shining and polished, while they end up useless

39

It's amazing how
one person can
make you feel
so special
even though
they live so
far away.

18

Santa is always talking about hoes. I guess he likes the naughty ones.

23

It's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.

~ Marilyn Monroe

36

"There are three sides to every story.

1. Your side
2. Their side
3. The TRUTH"

17

Distance means
so little when
someone means
so much

28

No, you aren't fat, you have just about the perfect size to flirt with whales.

27

"If you want to be seen, stand up.

If you want to be heard, speak up.

If you want to be appreciated, shut up."

~ Bill Cosby

25

It's the little things you do
that makes me so crazily
attracted to you.

21

Don't call the world dirty just because you forgot to clean your glasses.

32

No one has ever become poor by giving.

Anne Frank

36

HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.

43

"It's easy to take off all your clothes and have sex, people do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, futures, hopes, and dreams... that's being naked."

26

I don't care about:
• age
• weight
• sexuality
• height
• gender
• skin color
As long as you respect me, I'll respect you

62

Don't feel
bad if people remember you only when they need you..
feel privileged that you are like a candle that comes to their mind when there is darkness •

44

The internet show us how small the world is..

.. but a missing plane shows how big our planet is

40

Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.

42

When people tell me "you're gonna regret that in the morning" I sleep untill late afternoon because I'm a problem solver.

79

DON'T HATE WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

238

"There are no strangers here,only friends that have not yet met."

~William Butlers Yeats

42

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.
She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

90

your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul.

81

There are some people who could hear you speak a thousand words and still not understand you.

And there are others who will understand without you even speaking a word.

98

The truth is, everyone's going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.

- Bob Marley

178

It's not the dress that makes you look fat....

... it's the fat!

163

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look...that one is shaped like an idiot."

92

I wonder if I am single because of all these chain messages I didn't forward when I was twelve

47

movie stars
walk on red carpets cause they're famous,

i walk on toilet paper because i'm the shit!!

29

29

*posts a selfie*

107 people unfollowed

32

Being famous on Instagram is like being rich on Monopoly.

269

$80% of the people are not good at math. I guess I belong to the other 25%$

47

Don't you just love blue sky days?

7

adults with braces

3

sorry you're having a rough day at work but at least your job isn't to grow into bacon

5

I got 99 problems and money would solve 87 of them.

6

royal people poop too

8

You dont need tons of hashtags to make your popular.

#It #Doesn't
#Help #At #All!

8

I may look like shit but at least my personality is awful.

5

We'll never be as young as we are tonight.

11

You can carry a rabbit's foot for luck, but remember:
It didn't work for the rabbit.

8

I think people spend too much time staring into screens and not enough time drinking wine, tongue kissing,
and dancing under the moon.

13

You aren't really
"just kidding."

8

You want to know the ugly truth?

Looked into the mirror yet?

6

Live your life. Take chances. Be crazy. Don't wait. Because right now is the oldest you've ever been and the youngest you'll be ever again.

13

Enjoy life while you can, because one day you won't be able to.

16

99.9% of men would suck their own cock if they could.

11

I'm dating two guys: Ben and Jerry.

25

left my headphones at home. now l need to socialize

19

The deepest
thoughts
occur at
night •

22

Happy Monday,

says no one ever.

18

Valentins-Day

is just another holiday that makes you fat.

15

We can't be friends if you don't understand my sarcasm •

38

22

you are ugly and that's the truth

32

100% of non-
smokers die too.

213

i love you not only for what you are, but for what i am when i am with you

120

Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone's throat.

44

Have you ever looked at someone and thought...

'Yep... you have a person locked in your basement.'

163

only when a mosquito lands on your testicles, you realize there's a way to solve problems without using violence.

60

before you SPEAK, LISTEN. before you ACT, THINK. before you QUIT, TRY. before you SHIT, look for PAPER.

47

I'm not as random as you think I salad.

25

Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, then it's probably shit.

180

Me: for Christmas I
want a unicorn.

Santa: be realistic!

Me: ok I want a
boyfriend.

Santa: what colour do
you want your
unicorn?

123

Did you know that if you put your ear up a strangers leg you can hear them say:
What the fuck are you doing?!?

100

I'm gonna ignore you so hard you'll start to doubt your own existance.

73

Dear Noah,

we could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving 'till 5.

Sincerly,
Unicorns

127

I may look calm but in my head I have already killed you three times AND hid the body.

241

90% of my socks are single, and you don't see them crying about it

105

BEFORE SEX...YOU HELP EACH OTHER GET NAKED, AFTER SEX YOU ONLY DRESS YOURSELF.

MORAL OF THE STORY: IN LIFE NO ONE HELPS YOU

ONCE YOU'RE FUCKED.

325

I love waving at random people, because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.

310

THIS "NORMAL" YOU SPEAK OF DOESN'T SOUND FUN AT ALL.

416

You look like something
I draw with my left hand.

959

FUCK
PERFECT

11

self-confidence comes from a practical and steady sense of inner calm, an easy unhurried bearing

• confucius •

8

I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.

-John Green

2

one post a day keeps your followers to stay

32

you are not fat

you have fat

you also have fingernails

you are not fingernail

74

Imagine if we could speak to animals.

...Maybe then spiders and people wouldn't be afraid of each other.

21

Women want someone who can make them laugh and someone who they feel safe with,
so basically, a clown ninja.

58

When you spend half the movie wondering where you have seen that actor before.

24

I HAVE THE BODY OF A GOD

(unfortunately
it's Buddha)

140

Imagine if you could actually laugh your ass off.

34

Dear radiostations, you do realize that there are more than just 5 songs in the world, right?

27

My mood depends on how good my hair looks •

35

14,000 people are having sex right now.

25,000 are kissing.

50,000 are hugging.

And you... well you're reading this post.

104

some people always make my day...

...worse

34

isn't it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that's just like
"i don't know how to hold a pencil"

90

HELLO DENMARK

33

i'm at that awkward age where half of my friends are having babys and the other half is too drunk to find their phones.

55

My girlfriend broke up with me she says blah blah blah not paying attention or something I don't know I wasn't listening

35

Do you have to leave so soon?

I was just about to poison the tea.

45

Sometimes i grab my boobs. Because, well, I can.

42

From the first time I saw you I knew I was going to give you the wrong phone number

78

We all have that one skinny friend who eats more than an elephant.

48

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

41

If you think about it... ketchup is a tomato smoothie.

63

Aww, home alone. I can do anything I want.

*Takes a nap*

92

God created man first, because every artist makes a rough draft, before the final masterpiece.

104

People are crazy. I mean, just look at me.

144

Listening to music, late at night, is never a good idea.

#sentimentalfool

7

Never
let go of
your optimism..
no one ever damaged their eyesight by
looking at the brighter side
of life •

21

Life is like sex..
you can either lie back and let it screw you or you can get on top and ride the hell out of it •

35

Life is best for those who are enjoying it..
difficult for those who are analysing it and worst for those who are criticizing it..
our attitude defines our life •

16

How to get instant friends:

take out a pack of gum

18

Every day of your life is a page of your history

21

I don't care if you think i'm crazy. Life is too short to be normal.

14

Life's like a bird.

It's pretty -
until it craps on you.

20

Each
morning we
wake up and
have a choice..
make it a good day
or make it a bad day..
events try to dictate our circumstance..
in the end the decision is ours •

18

We
are not
given good
life or bad life..
we are given a life and it's up to us to make it good or bad •

24

It's amazing where you can get in life with an education, a good attitude, or big tits.

23

all good things in life start with "s"...

summer, sun, sex, beer,...

28

Life is like chocolate..
sometimes you gotta deal with nuts •

26

Success
is never achieved by the size of
our brain but
it is always achieved
by the quality
of our thoughts •

21

So your parents payed for your iPhone, Mac Book and bought you car?

Please, tell me how hard your life is.

25

Turns out the sticker on the organic apple tastes like a regular sticker.

37

Time is like a river..
you cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again..
enjoy every moment of life •

35

Today I saved a man's life

I had just to calm me down

26

Because when you stop and look around, this life is pretty amazing.

18

life is too short ...
smile while you still have teeth!

24

Always remember to be nice to people who have access to your toothbrush.

58

Whenever I look at a book the remote bursts out laughing.

45

When I
give you my
time, I'm giving you a portion of my life that I will
never get back..
so please don't make me regret it •

41

I can't tell you how many times I've had to cancel a date because my dog keeps dying.

57

Live
in such
a way, that if someone spoke badly of you no one would believe it •

28

3 horrible things in life:

1) Seeing your mom cry.

2) Seeing the love of your life fall in love with somebody else.

3) Slow Internet.

65

Suicide doesn't take away the pain, it gives it to someone else.

54

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning Satan shudders and says, "Oh no...she is awake!"

83

what if birds aren't singing and they're screaming because they are afraid of heights...

103

a relationship without trust is like a phone without service

what do you do with a phone without service? you play games

138

They say that beauty is on the inside, but I've seen enough crime scenes to know that's not true.

160

i've been single for a while and i have to say it's going very well.

i think i'm the one

168

YOUNG, WILD AND RETARDED.

262

life is what happens when you put your phone down.

153

It's just me, myselfie*, and I.

20

Gonna put a selfie on top of the Christmas tree because I am the star •

74

This whole dating someone out of your league thing is total bullshit.

1

Running sucks.

3

a lot of adults make fun of our generation but sometimes they forget that they're the ones who raised it

108

I'm like an iphone.
I lose energy without doing anything.

84

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

-The mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

27

my dentist told me i needed a crown.
i was like:

I KNOW, RIGHT?

44

I hate when people think you're lying just because you laugh

78

I use sarcasm because it's illegal to kill

208

I just eye rolled so hard, I burnt 5 calories.

105

Too many books..
so little
time •

53

Let's
can't sleep
together •

72

Person 1: "I'm really
athletic."

Person 2: "I'm hilarious."

Person 3: "I'm gorgeous."

Me: "I can breathe."

51

The closest I get to church is making a woman scream, "oh, godddd."

85

facebook makes you hate people you already know

&boldomatic makes you love people you've never met

145

Life's too short to waste time looking for the other sock.

28

My favorite kind of coffee is the kind where no one talks to me while I'm drinking it.

73

At times, I'm extremely grateful that our thoughts don't appear in bubbles over our heads like in comics.

118

some people can't sleep because they have insomnia, I can't sleep because I have internet connection

71

I found your nose.

Its in my business again.

135

! M E R D E !

shit always sounds better in french

71

Ego is a race.
And in this race, the winner is the loser.

84

i just burnt my tongue on some food

they say the ones you love hurt you the most

270

I still have no idea why it's called a beauty sleep when you wake up looking like a fuckin' troll!

168

"Don't worry,
the spider is
smaller than
you"

"...yeah, so is a
grenade"

176

BY THE WAY,
I'M WEARING
THE SMILE
YOU GAVE ME.

220

*
LIFE HAS NO
REMOTE.
GET UP AND
CHANGE IT
YOURSELF.

128

I'd quite like to wear my new sandals today, but the good old British weather says "no, dear, are you kidding me?".

1

It's a 'eat a giant chocolate chip cookie' kind of evening.

1

When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead. It is difficult only for others.

It is the same when you are stupid.

2

Vodka may be involved in this post.

*hic*

2

Your car is German.
Your vodka is Russian.
Your pizza is Italian.
Your kebab is Turkish.
Your democracy is Greek.
Your coffee is Brazilian.
Your movies are American.
Your tea is Tamil.
Your shirt is Indian.
Your oil is Saudi Arabian.
Your electronics are Chinese.
Your numbers are Arabic.
Your letters are Latin.

And you complain that your neighbor is an immigrant?

Pull yourself together.

3

We are so consumed and distracted by technology, it's no wonder we have some of our most real and life affirming thoughts, in the shower.

8

To do list:

1. Learn to fly

2. Fly away

5

A book a day keeps reality away.

18

i hate january. it's dark & freezing. everyone's wearing bulky coats.

you can do some serious subway flirting before you realize the guy is homeless.

-liz lemon

8

you are the decider of the world you get to know

10

if you had an intelligent thought in your head...

it would die of loneliness

26

Eating cereal in the shower isn't saving me as much time as I thought.

2

Dip it in chocolate and it'll be fine.

1

Whenever I delete an app on my phone,
the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed •

2

Arrogance
is
not confidence.

8

THE MOST DANGEROUS THING TO WANT IS

MORE.

16

Haters
Having
Anger
Towards
Everyone
Reaching
SucceSs

:-$ :-$ :-$ :-$ :-$

2

when i'm bored I send a text to a random phone number saying "I hid
the body... now what?"

7

People with a sense of humor are so much easier to talk to.

12

Mistakes are the proof that you're trying

18

when your ex says "you'll never find anyone like me" reply with "that's the point"

17

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