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Posts Liked by Hocktator

apparently, jokingly opening my legs open when the dentist says open wide is frowned upon in this establishment.

107

Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don't get. Those who do are smiling right now.

197

I've been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.

156

If it takes someone 12 minutes to get the straw into the Capri Sun, this should give you some indication as to what they are like in bed.

Back away slowly, then run fast, run far.

145

If someone points at your black clothes and asks, whos funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, 'haven't decided yet.'

247

a friend isn't your friend until they defend you in your absence

168

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

85

Learn to appreciate silence in a world that never stops talking.

155

Light is easy to love.

Show me your darkness.

175

Put someone's genitals into your mouth and no one bats an eye

eat a chip off the ground and everyone loses their minds.

95

I'm only avoiding you because you stole my yogurt in a dream I had

91

we just use the future to escape the present

111

Whatever happens..

Don't use the bathroom in your dreams..

It's a setup!

116

Less confrontation and more conversation.

90

be weird. be random. be who you are. because otherwise you will never know who would love the person you hide.

158

If you ever feel powerless, remember that a single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a whole restaurant.

115

have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered...

"who ties your shoelaces for you?"

43

have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered...

"who ties your shoelaces for you?"

280

One of the most cruel acts that a human can do to another human, is to cause a person to lose hope.

323

my back is not a voicemail say it to my face

232

you are the
tree standing
in the middle
of a hurricane
with both middle
fingers up in the air.

145

Summer is here. I'm so excited. I wet my plants.

125

even if im the devil, wouldnt be the first time you shook my hand....

85

My boss doesn't like the nickname I gave him. It's awful to see Princess Dickhead crying.

201

As you move outside of your comfort zone, what was once the unknown and frightening becomes your new normal.

193

The world is full of nice people. If you can't find one...

be one.

324

if her bra matches her panties when you take off her clothes, it wasn't you who decided to have sex.

34

In meiner Nachbarschaft gibts ein WLAN namens "Martin Router King"

Und was soll ich sagen?

I have a stream!

46

Says the eyelids to the eyes...."I got you covered".

41

I'm going to open an ice cream shop and name the flavors things like: "don't be sad", "he's not worth it", "you deserve better" and so on.

76

starting a sarcastic group aggressively supporting other sarcastics, repost if you want in because if we get enough people we're getting jackets.

74

I need one of those Kim Kardashian jobs where they pay me for living.

52

In 1814 Women had no rights

In 1914 Women fought for some rights

In 2014 Women are always fucking right

222

do not wear your mistletoe belt buckle to your office christmas party!!

76

I'm opening a gym called "Resolutions". It will have exercise equipment in it for the first two weeks, then it turns into a bar for the rest of the year.

255

Porn is so unrealistic. I just took a shower with my boyfriend and all he did was stand in the corner shivering for 20 minutes while he handed me a bunch of shampoos.

131

If you're in a fairytale and you're a single woman over the age of 35, chances are you're evil.

224

In which language would you prefer I tell you how much I do not give a shit?

I have my translator app open, fire away.

182

does running away from my problems count as jogging?

278

Hey, what's the Wi-Fi password?

Idiot, we're at a funeral!

All in one Word?

218

I'm not the type of person you should put on speaker phone.

196

I used to be the kind of guy mums like.

Somehow I've ended up being the kind of guy that likes mums.

116

You know, long distance relationships are so hard, especially since my boyfriend lives in the future!

197

My body is a temple...

Unfortunately,
I have no respect for religion.

142

your age is the number of times you went around the sun...

232

I'm not
afraid of heights.
I just don't like
clouds.

133

We all think we're smart
until we try to turn on
someone else's shower.

212

i have this bumper sticker that says "honk if you think i'm sexy" and then i wait at green lights until i feel better about myself.

171

Remember the days we didn't walk around with 5000 photos in our pockets?

162

I wish the voices in my head would at least take turns.

161

If you think you can make anything idiot proof, then you're the idiot.

153

Dear Sneeze,

If you're going to happen, happen.

Don't put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

251

He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him and I'll ask him again when he wakes up. ..

157

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

209

Boldomatic is NOT a place to pick on or intimidate people.

Don't like someone's post, don't follow them.

112

At the end of the day, life should ask us,
Do you want to save the changes?

317

What Susie says
of Sally
says more of Susie
than of Sally.

Remember that.

199

My children are dyslexic; they think 'Dad' is spelt ATM.

109

Dating an ex is the equivalent of failing a test you already had the answers to.

233

Quick!
No time to explain...
grab a donkey

134

Find someone who knows you're not perfect but treats you
as if you are.

328

You know something bad is about to happen when someone says

"Hold my beer and watch this."

214

Sometimes I feel useless but then
I remember
I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.

394

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else -

is the greatest accomplishment

277

Potatoes give us french fries and vodka.

It's your move, celery.

231

Love what you have before life teaches you to love what you've lost.

284

Selfie is the proof that smartphone and internet have made people so alone that they don't find a friend who can take a pic.

250

Apple CEO announces he's gay. Samsung CEO announces he's more gay and water resistant.

244

See you all in church.

Just kidding, meet you at the bar.

176

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I'm very disappointed with all of you.

163

Sometimes, navigating through the world wide web can be like trying to play a first person shooter using chopsticks to control
the keyboard and mouse.

52

It's not easy being psychic, but I already knew that.

101

goosebumps.

when the soul comes too close to the skin, trying to burst free into the world, either in ecstasy or in fear

148

Thanks for pretending not to see me when I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have.

193

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive:

"Hi".

159

Karma means i can rest easy at night knowing all the people i treated badly today had it pretty much coming.

176

Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.

265

You know it's cold out when you fall down and dent the ground with your nipples.

153

Let's be nothing, I heard it lasts forever.

310

If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself

491

They tell me I'm weak, but I am strong. They tell me I'm worthless, but I am loved by many. They tell me I am nothing, but someday I'll be everything to someone.

252

Why do people say heads up when you should duck?

147

Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.....apparently "in HD" was not the right answer...

345

I'm not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan woke up on my couch and won't make eye contact with me...

245

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

292

It's Thursday, or as I like to call it:

Day 4 of the hostage situation.

181

People
who talk shit
will be reincarnated as toilet paper •

212

Your ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.

452

it's not a Sunday unless you completely waste it then feel really sad around 8pm

337

LET'S DO SOME "WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS" THINGS.

494

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

734

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