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Posts Liked by gh236

We're expecting 2 or 3 feet of drama tonight, with bullshit blowing in from everywhere. High possibility of "go, fuck yourself" at late night.

70

Everything
is
figureoutable.

10

If I ever sound inspirational,
one of us is drunk.

38

Was so depressed last night, called LifeLine 0800 543 354. Got connected to a call center in Afganistan. Told them I was suicidal. They got all excited & asked me if I could drive a truck.

44

I call my wallet a nonprofit organization.

107

Why aren't there dinosaur ghosts?

11

People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life.

4

When my time comes, I just want to stare Death in the eye and say ...

...biscuit ?

22

Bei manchen Menschen frage ich mich, was uns die Natur damit sagen will.

28

I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!

26

My 3 moods:
1. fuck off
2. fuck you
3. fuck me

101

balls just called...

they want to know if you'd like a pair?

21

R.I.P to all the money I'll spend on food this year.

28

the more i find myself the more people i lose•
~fuck it~

36

Shout out to the knife for always having my back.

8

Getting drunk is like borrowing happiness from tomorrow.

16

I'd pretend to give up porn for you

18

Es gibt Schafe und es gibt Wölfe.

Du bist das Gras.

49

if you were a president,
you would be babe-raham lincoln.

25

Half of my feelings are doubts about the other half of my feelings.

232

Life is alot like a penis..simple,soft,
straight ,relaxed
and hanging freely...then a woman makes it hard.

5

What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together we can stop this Shit.

14

I would not want to be involved in a fight with a person who bleeds every month and still lives.

225

If I were a gardener, I'd put my tulips and your tulips together.

150

It's like I'm the only drunk person at this yoga class.

279

Making me laugh is the best foreplay.

12

I can't possibly fuck up the entire universe,
so that's a relief.

33

I like the idea that someone, somewhere is made for you, forever.

58

It's beginning to look a lot like fuck this.

52

if you want to take a step, you have to give up your balance for a moment

15

Do'nt let your affection give you an infection, put some protection on that erection.

10

If you were a Cookie, you'd be a whoreo.

10

NEVER do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a parametic.

11

While you're stabbing my back, you can kiss my ass too.

11

KarmaSutra:
When fate fucks you in all sorts of creative ways.

37

24 shopping days days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

125

My ex sent me a text that read "please delete my number."

I responded "who is this?"

61

Hey sorry I'm late I didn't want to come.

32

Not
my
circus,
not my monkeys!

27

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive:

"Hi".

159

That moment between Netflix episodes where you see your reflection on the black screen and wonder what the fuck you're doing with your life

234

Thanks for pretending not to see me when I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have.

193

Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."

21

It's not enough to tell me that you care, when we both know that words are empty air.

17

Only
a
fool
trips
on
what
is
behind
them.

7

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it, how bad a decision can it be

31

maybe we're just in love with the idea of being loved

58

If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask you to be your default browser, you're brave enough to ask that girl out.

217

Accidentally took a women's multi vitamin & I've been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.

34

Ooh yeah baby, ignore me harder. Ooh yeah right there, don't text back.

110

they say, 1 out of every 3 people cheat in a relationship.

not sure if it's my husband or my boyfriend

89

She uses tears of loneliness to mix the mortar for her brick walls.

3

There is no traffic after the extra mile.

7

You're asking a lame man to teach a cripple how to dance...

6

your demons and
mine want to have dinner some time.

188

Be
brave
enough
to
break
your
own
heart.

22

Technically, no guy is a virgin because at one time they were naked and inside their mom.

6

I just called my boss & told him I have explosive diarrhea.

It's my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

32

Don't act like you never waddled across the house to get a new roll of toilet paper with your pants around your ankles.

41

Don't be ashamed of who you are.

That's your parents job.

270

I never needed you. I wanted you.

There's a difference.

333

Food is my favorite. If I ever share it with you, then you're pretty damn special.

48

I still remember the feeling i felt when i first started talking to you.

9

Life is sexually transmitted

10

You seem like a sweet person.

Mind if I lick you to find out?

12

Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you're in an argument you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute •

23

I know what I bring to the table, so trust me when I say I'm not afraid to eat alone.

16

Below is a list of ways to win an argument with a woman:

14

We need to make it so thin that it will fit perfectly between the center console and the driver's seat.

- iPhone Inventors

17

Whenever people post "I'm the one your mom warned you about," I always assume they have Herpes.

15

I heard you're a player...
Nice to meet you.

I'm the coach.

21

I'm glad I don't have a thigh gap. I almost dropped my phone into the toilet but I caught it with thunder and lightning.

20

I date guys with beards because growing and maintaining a beard takes patience. The kind of patience it takes to put up with me.

18

I'd imagine the worst part about being a penguin is after you lose an argument, you'd attempt to waddle away angrily but still look adorable.

22

My dancing style is "There's a spider on me."

19

Next time, I'll try to wait until you're finished crying to initiate make up sex.

10

Our break up was due to religious differences.

He thought he was God.

I didn't.

64

You can sin with me or spend the night alone.

27

i could use a little bit of wine and a lot more of you.

45

The most obvious solution is to start drinking and dancing.

58

Can't get out of bed.

Send help....,
or waffles.

Just send waffles.

65

You make the Pope reconsider abortion.

7

t9 Text Messaging...

The struggle was real.

11

How dare you say that to my face,
Well i would say it to your back but my car has only half a tank of GAS:

6

If I Wanted to hear from an asshole, I would have farted.

7

Your Mama is so fat,
her blood type is Nutella!

12

You are the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.....

33

If you're an astronaut, and you don't end every relationship by saying

"Look, I just need more space"

than you're wasting everyone's time.

39

I only drink twice a year, on my birthday and when it's not my birthday

2

wir ritten nackt mit nutella verschmierten mündern, lachend auf einhörnern durch die nacht.
doch dann haben sie unsere medikamente geändert...

1

Like a good neighbour, I don't really care.

29

Whenever you're feeling down, remember, you're the sperm that won.

15

Its called "Karma" &
it's pronounced Haha, fuck you!".

32

Sorry,
I'm late.

I was
editing
suicide notes.

22

Orgasms are a lot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don't really care if you don't have any pizza.

20

lets not
breakup
lets not
breakup
our tender
hearts
turn
cold and
brittle
with every
broken try

2

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

209

You are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth.

25

I enjoy long romantic walks to the sex shop.

23

Keine Angst, Du bist nicht bescheuert. Du hast einfach nur viel Pech beim denken!

28

Immer wenn jemand an seinem PC auf ''Eigene Dateien'' drückt, fällt irgendwo ein NSA-Mitarbeiter lachend vom Stuhl

33

There's just one feeling better than love and that's finding a toilet when you're having diarrhea.

24

that awkward moment when I'm drunk
and you're still ugly

125

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors...

and all of them got laid.

64

I have mixed drinks about feelings. ..

144

damn.

don't you hate it when you think you're out buying organic veggies and when you get home you realize they're just regular donuts?

makes me mad.

138

I work hard so my dog can have a better life.

17

The officer said "You drinking?"
I said "You buying?"
We laughed and laughed...

I need bail money.

29

Bra sizes:
A- almost boobs.
B- barely boobs.
C- can't complain.
D- dang.
DD- double dang.
E- enormous.
F- fake.
G- get a reduction.
H- help me I've fallen and can't get up.

104

I put the HOT in Psychotic.

29

I often wonder, what would the child you once were think of the adult you have become.

49

Trust your heart, it beat before you were able to think!

230

I go to bed so late and I get up so early that I meet myself in the staircase

59

There is a pretty good chance I'll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people.

178

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis!

111

My boss didnt know I drank, till one day I came to work sober.

33

i don't trip.

i do random gravity checks.

7

If you can't handle me randomly blurting out song lyrics that relate to what u just said, we cant be friends.

12

HELLO
MY NAME IS DOUBLE DEPRI CHEESECAKE.

13

Mom says "Alcohol is your enemy"

Jesus says "Love your enemy"

Case closed.

49

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

459

You'd better listen to your heart because I think your mind is fucked.

107

I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT

250

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