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Posts Liked by DiscardedStat

The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....

Not my problem.

21

I'm an anime watching, Apple loving, video game playing nerd & if you don't like that you can kiss my megabits!

18

your ex looked like the partner of your dreams. salt looks like sugar. gin looks like water.
you're really wondering why I have trust issues?

68

Your happiness is the greatest revenge against those who bring you down.

86

listen, smile and agree and then...
do whatever the fuck you want

26

darling,
the only thing you're good at is pretending

63

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex. Today I'm wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

86

lonely is your soul
so tremulous and vile
emotionally deforested
disconnected, juvenile

your heart of glass
so thin, so brittle
of love forlorn
you know so little

50

Unnecessary cursing.

Fucking hate that.

79

I didn't realise
how much
I hated you
until
you
started
speaking.

79

With a subtle stroke he wiped her tears away, & accidentally her eyebrows.

26

Everything in life happens with a reason, although we mostly see the WHY much later

30

shhh, listen, it's the sound of everything getting stupider

81

I know enough to know enough,

to know I know, I've had enough

7

And if I asked you to name all the things you love, how long would it take to name yourself ?

98

Some people can't see their ups until they go deep down.

68

Just tell him I was too fucking busy- or vice-versa

59

I may not be pretty or funny or know a lot but if you need someone to always mess stuff up and create crappy situations and generally be a wreck then hey I'm your girl

89

Learn the rules like a pro so you can break them like an artist.

132

Confidence is the present tense of hope.

104

Sometimes, you just have to play the role of fool to fool the fool who thinks they are fooling you.

4

politics

society's worst achievement and best failure rolled into one

54

Let's play hide & fuck

1

I really love your dress,
but I think it would look even better laying on my bedroomfloor

20

How do you like your eggs in the morning? Baked, boiled or fertilized?

16

She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something!

109

If you think I talk too much, you should hear me listen!

29

The word diarrhea.
Looks like it was written in a hurry.

78

Never hire an electrician with no eyebrows. Just saying.

10

•Lady: Is this my train?

•Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company

•L: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to Kuala Lumpur

•SM: No Madam, I'm afraid it's to heavy

14

My dog can do nice tricks!

As of now he's officially a ABRACADABRADOR

#bewareofthedog

16

I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you have come into my life, I've changed my mind.

15

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

22

Too bad we didn't have this conversation in the garden, the plants would have loved the fertilizer.

23

A blonde is driving in her car and turns on the radio. It says that 2 Brazilian men were killed. She starts crying and says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

14

I Hate When People See Me At Supermarket And They Are Like: "Hey, what are you doing here?" And I'm Just Like: "Oh you know, hunting elephants."

25

CONGRATULATIONS

My tallest finger wants to give you a
standing ovation.

33

some people are like clouds, when they disappear its a better day.

45

I'm so hungry I could eat my own cooking!

56

Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car saying: " I know what you did"

76

At the touch of love everyone becomes
a poet.

Plato

73

THE DISTANCE BETWEEN DREAMS AND REALITY IS CALLED ACTION.

15

How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?

28

I would rather have nothing, than be served a single false anything because unfortunately I can almost always tell, and I have absolutely no idea how to turn this off. Believe me, I've tried. The problem is how it's hardly ever good news when you know the story before you've been told it. Almost never.

11

I tried to find the right words to describe a sentiment that flooded my senses tonight, but none that came to mind were color worthy of such descriptions.

I wanted so badly to elucidate an ocean, but oceans are not to be divulged about through the common use of phrase.

I struggled with water and fragmented sentences, but only found astoundingly ideal silence.

8

• noise

Any interference that causes the message you send to be different from the message your audience understands.

6

my therapist is crying.

maybe it was a little too much for him...

86

I was so close to sneezing but couldn't.
I get it ladies. I finally get it.

66

The war on drugs brought in more drugs.
The war on terror created more terrorists.
Maybe next year we can have a war on money and jobs and see where it goes . . .

114

You better hope that Santa doesn't see your browser history

98

My gf told me: “Sex is better on holiday”. That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

95

I think people need borders and nations only to have reasons for intolerance and arrogance towards other people.

80

"Unicorn Punch

(noun) The opposite of the unicorn chaser. When one is overwhelmed by cuteness, one feels that only punching a unicorn in the face can re-establish balance."

7

me to Siri: Turn on flashlight.

Siri: Sorry, but I can't do that.

me: Fuck you..

Siri: Whoa. That seems uncalled for.

(Siri is politically correct now.)
(We aren't friends anymore.)

6

The fact that I'll have to pay money to find help for my anger issues pisses me the fuck off.

13

"Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity."

11

I am the sinner
I am the saint
I am the butcher
I am restraint
I am the tyrant
I am enslaven
I am the migrant
I am the haven

74

"If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle."

12

My boss told me to have a nice day...

so I went home.

19

i have never stopped loving you.

not counting those days you had your period,
of course.

93

My boss told me to have a nice day. So I went home.

171

I bet having an intelligent discussion with Donald Trump is as easy as explaining memes to your grandparents

13

I get far too little credit for all the things I don't say.

132

I am a kid at heart and a 47 year old coal miner at liver.

72

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

26

Fun fact: "Some cheating leaves barely a shadow of evidence. In other cases, the evidence is massive. Consider what happened one spring evening at midnight in 1987: 7 million American children suddenly disappeared. The worst kidnapping wave in history? Hardly. It was the night of April 15, and the Internal Revenue Service had just changed a rule. Instead of merely listing the name of each dependent child, tax filers were now required to provide a Social Security number. Suddenly, 7 million children-children who had only existed as phantom exemptions on the previous year's 1040 forms-vanished."

6

Today's forecast - Sunrise, sunset & some shit in between.

24

Life is about appreciating the little things.

That's why I stayed with my ex boyfriend for so long.

12

I was put in prison and taken to a cell where I was greeted by this huge guy.

"Hello, little bitch, you're mine now. I hope you like the taste of cock," he said.

"I love it," I replied.
"I'm doing life for Cannibalism."

11

Your mother is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.

5

you have the age of pompei but you look new like dubai

19

"Will you love me when I'm old and ugly?"

"Darling, of course I do."

16

Could you just stop looking so fucking beautiful for one damn second?!

22

Out of all of my body parts I feel like my eyes are in the best shape. I do at least a thousand eye rolls a day.

107

be the kind of gentleman that holds the door
open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.

127

You aren't going to get the butt you want sitting on the one you have.

27

Every time I put my phone on silent, it decides to play 'hide and seek'

140

Observing without judgment is the highest form of intelligence

38

Yes there's plenty of wonders in the sea, but don't forget about the sharks, seaweed, oil spills, toxic waste & the Somalian pirates.

10

I wish you could last as long in bed as you do in an argument.

99

To be understood is a privilege - to understand a gift.

23

To be understood is a privilege - to understand a gift.

16

If you're happy & you know it, thank your ex.

28

If you think I talk too much, let me know..

So we can talk about it!

115

unprotected sleep

Turning off your alarm clock and immediately going back to sleep, risking not waking up for a job, class, or other daily task.

92

It hurts when you have someone in your heart but you can't have them in your arms.

68

I do not spew profanities.

I enunciate them properly like a fucking lady.

89

A group of kids is called a migraine.

111

Learn to appreciate silence in a world that never stops talking.

155

Sometimes you don't feel the weight of something you've been carrying until you feel the weight of its release.

68

It's okay.

My comebacks are as epic as my fuck-ups.

120

a friend isn't your friend until they defend you in your absence

168

My doctor told me to watch my drinking so I found a few places with mirrors behind the bar.

110

Grass is green err on the other
side.

19

i want to fuck you so bad right now.

damn autocorrect..

i meant hey.

175

I like mysteries so I decided to become one.

137

if you are going to misinterpret me erroneously and act on it, then I will make sure that you misinterpret me by miles. on purpose.

5

Stupid autocorrect. You always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo.

27

*
* *

*

25

I just wanna dance on the highest roof with you while stars are shining and smiling at us.

128

he who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool

87

"The difference between playing and fighting is quite small
if you are a dog. Just biting a bit harder."

30

In retail store situations, people behave

just
like
cattle.

9

If someone points at your black clothes and asks, whos funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, 'haven't decided yet.'

247

I've been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.

156

How lucky
I am to have something that makes saying
goodbye
so hard.

37

Kiss me like your ex is watching

211

If it takes someone 12 minutes to get the straw into the Capri Sun, this should give you some indication as to what they are like in bed.

Back away slowly, then run fast, run far.

145

i don't know what to think,
what to do, or what to say because
I miss you.

47

Though I can and I sometimes do use chopsticks,
I much prefer using my hands to pee

71

a father is someone you look up to
no matter how tall you grow

25

W??i??t??h?? m??y??

e??y??e??s??.

T??h??a??t??'s?? h??o??w?? I??

r??o??l??l??.

31

We'll probably lose the game but we definitely won't lose our dignity.

21

Short people...
Last to know its raining, first to drown!

34

the limits of your language are the limits of your world

28

all I want is
the taste that
your lips allow.

25

apparently, jokingly opening my legs open when the dentist says open wide is frowned upon in this establishment.

107

Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don't get. Those who do are smiling right now.

197

i can resist everything.

except it's you.

26

IT ISN'T A COINCIDENCE THAT THERE IS "MAD" IN "MADE".

12

Sometimes it feels like the only thing I can count on, are my fingers.

192

If you walk like a duck and you talk like a duck you're drunk. Ducks don't talk.

157

how you treat others is how you really feel inside

26

You are a magical clump of atoms on a tiny rock spinning around a star.

130

You have a point.

It's just not very sharp.

33

Take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded & there you are @ my place!

60

DIFFICULT ROADS
OFTEN LEAD
TO BEAUTIFUL
DESTINATIONS

213

your mind needs as much exercise as your body. thats why I think about jogging every day

152

and the best at murder are those who preach against it

11

The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success

213

You can look at some people & instantly know they're only going to get two awards in life, a birth & a death certificate.

30

I wish the voices in my head would at least take turns.

161

all I know is that I know nothing... and that I love beer.

145

I can't remember what I had for breakfast today so how the fuck am I going to remember Henry VIII's foreign policy in 1538

4

You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I ever wanted in a friend.

5

You know you're getting old when your year of birth is no longer immediately visible in drop-down menus and you have to start scrolling down.

164

If you think you can make anything idiot proof, then you're the idiot.

153

According to WebMD, my symptoms mean I died 3 years ago.

23

I ain't addicted to the Internet.
I only surf when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, no time, this time, that time,
any time,
all the time...

47

Sometimes you have to destroy something to create something new.

229

Don't
jump to confusions.

27

Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people.

5

He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him and I'll ask him again when he wakes up. ..

157

If you look like your passport photo, the likelihood is that you need the holiday

146

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.

249

"Later research has shown that the brain is not nearly as dichotomous as once thought. For example, recent research has shown that abilities in subjects such as math are actually strongest when both halves of the brain work together."

7

"I love you" has the same amount of letters as "bullshit"

29

saturday night:

it's time to
be a hero and rescue some wine trapped
in a bottle

46

You have no idea how many times I've tried to tell you the truth through my jokes.

3

If we all pretend tomorrow is Sunday we might just get away with it.

172

We all think we're smart
until we try to turn on
someone else's shower.

212

I have an irrational fear of speedbumps but, I'm slowly getting over it.

32

They say we learn from our mistakes. Thats why Im deliberately making as many as possible. Soon I'll be a genius...
(o.O)

18

Laughing
Is the Best medicine!
But if
You're
Laughing for no Reason...
Then
You may
Need Medicine?

^_^ x

25

Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop

39

I'm watching animal planet and I think I just saw my ex.

38

Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.

45

People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut the fuck up. What I'm doing is natural and stengthens the bonds between me and my cat.

57

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Me: Not looking at the price tag when I'm shopping.

51

you know what rhymes with drunk...

sex.

46

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated,but can't pronounce it.

50

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the middle ones for you.

61

if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem

44

nothing haunts us like the things we don't say...

5

Can you imagine parents nowadays explaining to their kids how they met?

"Well, it all started one day when your dad 'liked' one of my selfies."

218

I don't have any bad habits.

I am good at all of them.

205

I don't think I've ever cared much for bothering to concern myself with other people's opinions. Not with things like this. Things like gravity.

14

Trying to sleep like;
One sheep, two sheep, cow, turtle, duck, old mac Donald had a farm,
HEE MACARENA!!!!

257

Bringing McDonalds into public transportation is like taking a shit at the Opera.

79

In which language would you prefer I tell you how much I do not give a shit?

I have my translator app open, fire away.

42

i hate it when people try to make small talk on the lift, "nice weather", "how are you today", "where's your pants"

124

Homemade with love.

In other words, I licked the spoon and kept using it.

22

Stay away from negative people.
They have a problem for every solution.

21

Oh please, darling, please! Don't leave me here; a loner!!
All I said was, "I hope you touch my boner."
Happy Valentine's!!!!

• jaybyrd*

23

find a women with a brain

all have vaginas...

24

I like to play blackjack.
I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted
to sitting in a semi-circle.

- Mitch Hedburg

23

It's easier to learn boundaries after you've been shocked by the electric fence.

17

It takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend my middle finger and say bite me.

26

"sorry" vs "I'm sorry"
"night" vs "goodnight"
"bye" vs "goodbye"
"love you" vs "i love you"

all have two different
meanings

26

things I haven't learnt in school

how to
- pay bills
- buy a house
- apply for college

but thank jesus I can graph a polynomial function

28

Oh I'm sorry...

Did my back hurt your knife ?

36

When you're in that mood where "fuck everyone" has both meanings at the same time

24

In French, you don't really say "I miss you." Instead you say "Tu me manques," which is closer to "You are missing from me."
I love that. "You are missing from me." You are a part of me, you are essential to my being. You are like a limb, or an organ, or blood. I cannot function without you.

42

i have no feelings or emotions

just sarcasm running through my veins

28

In a relationship one person is always right and the other person is a male.

38

don't break someone's heart, they only have one...

break their bones, they have 206 of them.

37

Sharks kill 12 people per year. People kill 11714 sharks per hour

29

I'v taken up Photography
Because
It's the only Hobby,
Where you can
Shoot People
And cut their
Head's off...
Without
Going
To JAIL...

50

Relationship goals: a relationship

46

I broke up with my gym we were just not working out

55

*When your mom asks if you made it home ok*

Me: no, I died a few times.

50

There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing beside you right now and you'd have no idea.

69

Don't be sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember... nobody loves you any other day of the year either.

67

there are approximately 1,013,913 words in the english language but i could never string any of them together to explain how much i want to hit you with a chair.

55

life (noun)

a sexually transmitted disease which always ends in death.
there is currently no known cure.

53

happiness (noun)

When you roll onto the warm spot your laptop left in your bed.

Also see: loneliness

54

Change is much more than just some coins in your pocket.

179

N: Why are you laughing?
Me: I just read your thoughts.

25

Do the right thing: do the wrong things.

20

Cooped up all day with nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no one to talk to. I highly recommend it.

17

Do Me: a favour.

17

He who spreads love, receives love.

25

Relationships are like bathrooms. I'm in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I'm playing on my phone the whole time.

63

I'M ON THAT NEW DIET WHERE YOU EAT EVERYTHING AND HOPE FOR A BIG MIRACLE.

244

We're the best type of friends. We encourage each other to be more and more socially unacceptable.

37

MANAGEMENT IS PLAYING TETRIS WITH TIME.

24

it's not who you want to spend friday night with.

it's who you want to spend all day saturday with.

47

To make a long story short, don't tell it.

226

If you ran like your mouth, you'd be in good shape.

177

I don't need a valentine
I need 8 million dollars and a fast metabolism...
oh and 10 cases of wine...

23

read and red are homonyms but read and red aren't and read and reed are but read and reed aren't

26

I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck.

44

I would probably enjoy mornings but unfortunately I always seem to be asleep when they happen

28

F abricated
A necdote
I nspiring
R elentless
Y earning
T o
A cquire
L asting
E nchantment

20

Date someone who spoils you, always says how beautiful you are, and never thinks you've had enough to eat.

Date your grandma.

40

The pain in my head
says: "Go to sleep,
you muppet."

The brain in my head
says: "Remember when you used to be really
good at juggling?"

34

The only dates I get are
updates.

98

guy: you are cute

me: it's not april fools day yet

30

My relationship is like my pet turtle, I don't have a pet turtle.

66

A fool who knows he is a fool, is no longer a fool.

38

me during the day:
ugh I'm so tired. I can't wait to go home and sleep. I'm gonna sleep for 100 hours

me during the night:
Let's download the top 100 songs from the 90's and listen to them all while writing a book and watching an entire season of friends and clean the car

38

There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts.

- Charles Dickens

42

Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

42

"I'm a wizard"

"Prove it."

"Sorry, no magic outside of hogwarts."

44

It's Thursday, or as I like to call it:

Day 4 of the hostage situation.

82

I have recently deleted twitter and instagram. Instead I just shout at people what I eat, what I drink and where I go shopping.
I do this because building a network is very important.
So far I have 3 followers.
A doctor and two police men.

46

"Suicide does not end chances of life
getting worse, suicide eliminates the
possibilities of it ever getting better."

34

Here, hold my
dignity..

I've got some
sketchy shit to do.

81

When I was a kid, my parents dressed me because I didn't care what I looked like. Looking at photos, they obviously didn't care either.

66

sometimes the person that you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger.

120

What do you call a bear without teeth?

A gummy bear.

26

"you support gay rights so you must be gay"

I also support animal rights do I look like a fucking alpaca to you?!

45

The 5 symptoms of laziness:

1.

63

and then god created saturn

and he liked it

so he put a ring on it

44

When I was a child my mother said to me, "If
you are a soldier, you
will become a general.
If you are a monk, you
will become the Pope."
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

- Picasso

50

I never finish anyth

59

Go to HEAVEN for the climate,
go to HELL for the company.

~ Mark Twain

27

Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.....apparently "in HD" was not the right answer...

345

Porn is so unrealistic. I just took a shower with my boyfriend and all he did was stand in the corner shivering for 20 minutes while he handed me a bunch of shampoos.

131

I'm not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan woke up on my couch and won't make eye contact with me...

245

Half of my feelings are doubts about the other half of my feelings.

232

Why do people say heads up when you should duck?

147

Saw a Cougar wearing a Leopard coat, driving a Jaguar.

It's a jungle out there.

4

I would not want to be involved in a fight with a person who bleeds every month and still lives.

225

Noticing how beautiful the city lights are at night while getting chased by the cops.

187

i think therefore

i don't have much in common with a lot of people

236

Men look at a women's behind and think "Wow, what an ass!"

Women look at a man's face and think the same thing.

70

i got so drunk last night i walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.

87

Don't trust people who avoid the sun.
They're shady.

45

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable.

127

I believe in everything until it's disproved.
So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons.
It all exists, even if it's in your mind.
Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?

• John Lennon

58

The greatest crimes in the world are not committed by people breaking the rules but by people following the rules. It's people who follow orders that drop bombs and massacre villages.

34

You can find the holiday gift I want at pretty much any ATM in town.

13

Soft and kind Hearted people are not fool's,
They know what people Did to Them,
But They Forgive Them Again and Again...

Because They Have
BEAUTIFUL HEARTS x

13

************************************
It's sad knowing that I love others more than
I love myself,
I hate to see others in pain,
but when it comes to me,
"I'm fine".

-Abigail. J-
*************************************

14

My wife said she wanted a mink coat so I'm going to get her a trap and a gun for Chistmas.

13

I was asked "Do you EVER get a piece of ass"?

I said "Hell no, turn it over and there's pussy on the other side".

7

There are two Types of People in every Office:

The first Guy does the Work, makes Money for the Company, is good at Teamwork, takes Care for the others.

The second Guy? Calls himself "Boss".

14

Yes, I could have avoided you. But somehow I knew you were a collision worth having.

18

Can you fight
the urge to run,
for another day?

You might get
further, if you
learn to stay.

17

Over the break, I helped save Christmas!! One Saturday evening, mom got a call. As we drove to the station, she explained that we had to bail Santa out of jail, because he was a drunken, lazy, useless ahole*, the other 364 days a year, and she'd be damned if he was gonna* fuck THIS up!! - Tim, Age 8

16

Did you know that women use about 30,000 Thousand words a day:
While men only use 15,000 ?

Yes Because We Have To Repeat Everything !

16

That's a horrible idea.

What time?

28

I prefer to call it !!

"Ta-Da " list,

Because it would be bloody amazing "
If I actually Accomplished Anything on It . !!

19

Dear Boyfriend

I Can make your girlfriend Scream Louder than you can,

Sincerely
SPIDERS.

18

the risk I took was calculated, but man,
am I bad at math.

20

Be careful when you blindly follow the masses...
sometimes the "m" is silent !

29

Teacher:
what comes after 69"?
Student,
"Mouthwash"
Teacher;
" GET OUT"

35

Behind every great kid is a mom who's pretty sure she's scewing it up.

12

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.

•Erin Majors

22

And never* fear this: My love is always good.

Even when I loathe myself.

Take it, always. I and it, were made for you.

20

I died as a mineral and became a plant, I died as plant and rose to animal, I died as animal and I was Man. Why should I fear?

When was I less by dying?

17

I'm too old to die young!

37

Because
of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.

56

Be a Gentleman
Know when
to hold
her hand

Be a Man
Know when
to pull
her hair

22

a list of all the things I accomplished today
- nothing
- absolutely fucking
nothing
a list of all the things I needed accomplished today
- too many things
- I have lost count
- help me
- im drowning

29

You know what sucks the most about people who abuse your trust to hurt you? It's the damage done to other people that you care about, who have to endure all the distrust that follows. Good people, being made to feel like they have to climb walls and jump through hoops, just to love you. That's what sucks.

26

Dont't be afraid of a few extra pounds.

Fat people are harder to kidnap.

32

How does Moses make coffee?

He brew.

33

i finished my christmas list i can't wait

• $ 100'000'000 in cash
• boyfriend
• the souls of those who have displeased me this year
• another boyfriend in case my other one escapes
• money

31

If money is the root of all evil, I must be some sort of saint.

40

I only sleep with people I love,

which is why I have insomnia

32

This year I'm secretly stuffing the turkey with marijuana so everyone can relax and enjoy my cooking for once.

164

Apple CEO announces he's gay. Samsung CEO announces he's more gay and water resistant.

244

It's not that I'm tired.

It's just that I don't like standing on my feet with my eyes open.

173

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I'm very disappointed with all of you.

163

I'll make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.

Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business.

1

Have the maturity to know
that silence is more powerful
than having the last word.

25

If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask you to be your default browser, you're brave enough to ask that girl out.

217

Recently I made some changes in my life

If you do not hear from me anything anymore...

Well probably you are one of those changes

5

WITH OUT HAVING A GOAL IT'S DIFFICULT TO SCORE..

<><><><><><><>

5

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism - Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it

•Noam Chomsky

9

i got a new stick of deodorant today the instructions said take off lid and push up bottom!!
I can barely walk but whenever i fart the room smells luvely :-)

17

A Christian telling an Atheist he is going to Hell is about as scary as a small child telling an adult they won't get any presents from santa.

19

Only three types
of people tell the truth-

kids, drunk people and anyone who is pissed the fuck off.

19

My body is saying "yes" but my mind is saying "Dude, that's Hillary Clinton."

16

Who are we?
WOMEN

What do we want?
WE DON'T KNOW

When do we want it?
NOW

25

Forgive and forget?

Sorry, I'm not God...

I don't have Alzheimer's either.

43

Ya' know what; life really is simple but, we always find silly ways to fuck it up.

14

My greatest challenge in any attempt at observation is only seeing what is there. It is my primary focus because inserting meaning into things is an innate drive of mine, therefore I counterbalance with a conditioned response to observe my own objectivity while observing.

It is a process.

16

What do we say to unplanned pregnancy?

NOT TODAY

16

Every older person
Is a younger person
Wondering
What The Hell
Happened?

15

Be
a
goal
digger,
not
a
gold
digger.

14

I just got a call from a charity askin me to donate some clothes to the starving people around the world,
I told them to Feck off..,, Anyone who fits into my clothes Aint Starving :

18

strive for excellence, not perfection

16

DON'T SAY "NO" TO DRUGS.

YOU SHOULDN'T TALK TO DRUGS AT ALL!

20

I'm a grown woman, I dont take naps,I take Horozintol Life Pauses!

17

sometimes the strongest people hide the deepest pain

31

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.

24

Congratulations!
Today is the first day of the rest of
your life

22

The strength of a lie
is its persistence.
If someone spreads a lie about you,
like a germ,
long enough,
and wide enough,
it becomes an infection
that APPEARS
to be the truth.

Even to you.

11

And to those, whose eyes are not clouded or filtered; whose ears are not flooded, and brains remolded against their hearts, -
not ignored - responding to the burr of their souls,
to respond
to acknowledge
to reach out:

I salute you and adore you.

14

...Of all the words of tongue and pen,
The saddest are these: "It might have been!"

~~John Greenleaf Whittier

18

He's developing asshole-identifying software.

And using himself as the test model.

17

You are the pebble
in my shoe:

tiny,
insignificant,
dispensable..

but,
fucking annoying.

20

If you Cannot find the Book Your Looking For?
Then your Obviously In The... Wong FOOK HING BOOK STORE

#Seen this Sign on a china book store#

14

This day has a silver
lining; it's called 'free samples of alcohol at the Christmas food market'

19

I will love you until Pi runs
out of decimal places.

60

The pollution of the planet is only an outward reflection of an inner psychic pollution: millions of unconscious individuals not taking responsibility for their inner space.

15

mom said follow your dreams
so I went back to bed:

32

"Be strong"
I whisper to my coffee.

47

don't be afraid to be open-minded

your brain isn't going to fall out

26

Going after a dream has a price. But however costly it may be, it is never as high as the price paid by people who didn't live

22

We're all so full of shit...

Let's fertilize the world!

24

Smile -
it confuses people.

51

When things break, it's not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. It's because a little piece gets lost- the two remaining ends couldn't fit together even if they wanted to. The whole shape has changed.

43

The loneliest people are the kindest, the saddest people smile the brightest, the most damaged people are the wisest, All because they do not want to see people suffer the way they do.

74

It's easy to keep pretending that there's nothing wrong.
But it's harder to keep your head up and be fucking strong.

47

...It takes trust to turn darkness to light. And those who trust, risk putting their faith in the wrong hands. For, there are those who pray FOR you, and there are those who prey ON you. And no matter how careful you are... sometimes, you just can't tell the difference.
• John Constantine

20

"EXERCISE"
I COULD HAVE SWORN YOU SAID

EXTRA. FRIES ?

34

There are two reasons why we don't trust people:

1. We don't know them.
2. We know them.

39

The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

44

EVEN THE
TIDE
WOULD'NT TAKE YOU OUT.

15

lazy is a very strong word.
i like to call it selective participation.

279

You're just not my cup of tea, mainly because I don't like huge pieces of shit in it.

7

I'd love to insult you, but I don't think I could do it as well as nature already did..

8

Politicians
and Nappies Have One Thing In Common, They Need to be Changed Regularly
And For The Same Reason:

8

You festering pustule of malignant ooze.

9

I'm sure your mother loved that face

to punch

7

I would challenge you to a battle of wits
but I can see that you are unarmed

10

Keep that up and soon all you'll be is a strange smell under my floorboards.

13

If you went to a haunted house, they would have offered you a job

12

I know you aren't as dumb as you look.

Nobody could possibly be that dumb.

13

I tried to see things from your point of view, but I couldn't get my head that far up my ass..

12

Wow...Did you just fall from heaven...because your face looks all fucked up.

10

i would like to buy a doormat with your face on ...

9

i cannot believe i dated you.

i generally try to stick to the same species

6

Your Mama is so fat,
her blood type is Nutella!

12

Maybe jesus loves you, but he's the only one.

10

If I had a dollar for every smart thing you said I would be poor.

12

Your victories are like your penis.

small

14

$How I see math word problems: If you have 4 pencils and I have 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof? Purple, because aliens don't wear hats.$

8

Your ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.

240

I'm only saving your number so I know not to answer when you call.

25

You
only
look
fat
when
you're
anywhere
I
can
see
you.

5

I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.

13

If fucks were
my chisel
and you were a wall
I WOULD FUCK
YOU TO THE GROUND

12

getting no message is also a message...

258

Don't be ashamed of who you are.

That's your parents job.

270

I did not hit you...
I simply hi-fived your face.

20

I'm Not Single.

I'm In A Long Standing Relationship With Fun And Freedom.

28

Some of you are like family to me.

I don't want you calling me either.

43

Singing in the shower is all fun until you get shampoo in your mouth

then it just becomes a soap opera

76

I hate spelling errors so much.

You mix up two letters & your whole post is urined....

54

Life is like a Bollywood movie: colorful, humorous, and usually you have no idea what the fuck is going on.

133

A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him

13

You're as lovely as
a postcoital nap.

15

GEEZ!

God saw her face and created dark!

13

Acupuncture

proof that stabbing someone can make things better

15

Don't force someone
to remember you all the time....
Just stay silent
let them realize how will they be without you in their life...gm

13

It's a man's job to
respect a woman,

But it's a woman's job to give him something to respect.

17

Male, 33, in search for a Women which speaks sarcasm fluently, laughs on dirty Jokes and bad Puns, plays Videogames and should be not afraid to show her nerdy Side.

;-)

19

Don't ask me
what's on my mind because I'm too tired to sift through and simplify it for you and clearly you are not capable of handling the contents of my unfiltered mind

16

I gave you no reason to trust me, neither one to doubt me

Sorry to hear you chose the last option

18

Teacher: "Why are you late?"

Someone told me to go to hell.
Couldn't find it at first.
But now I'm here.

22

You know, Dublin is gonna be the biggest city in the world if the population keeps dublin, and dublin...

16

In order for you to insult me,
I would first have to value your opinion

58

My room isn't chaotic.
I just have everything on display.
Like a museum.

32

I had a great time last night...well thats what the police report says.

238

And that's when I found out that I'm too competitive for yoga

37

you'd
lose
your
mind
trying
to
understand
mine

39

I believe every single word you say.

It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it's bullshit.

36

a crown doesn't make you a king.

122

I have to stop saying
"How stupid can you be?".

I think people are starting to take it as a challenge.

172

I don't care if you think I'm insane.

The unicorn who visits me in the night time says
I don't and
I believe him.

154

I don't think I get nearly enough credit for managing not to turn into a violent psycopath...

Even though I'm getting close.

21

Work until your idols become your rivals.

95

the scarecrow won the nobel prize because he was out standing in his field!

16

Nobody ever really knows how much anybody else is hurting. We could be standing right next to somebody who is completely broken and we wouldn't even know.

42

The downside to having a good sense of humour and being able to laugh at yourself, is that people think you can't be hurt.

86

Was building a website for women drivers...

Bloody thing kept crashing.

26

Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?

43

My love is like a candle.

If you forget me, I'll burn your house down.

136

FLY LIKE AN EAGLE.

FUCK LIKE A RABBIT.

111

I don't watch soccer...

If I want to spend 90 minutes watching people struggling to score, I take my friends to a bar.

112

Quiet people have the loudest minds.

355

A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear.

Unless it's 3am.

And you're home alone.

And you don't have a baby.

240

10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion.

90% are due to wrong tone of voice.

279

others have sex in the kitchen, I eat in bed

367

when you are dead,you don't know that you are dead.It's difficult only for the others.
It is the same when you are stupid

16

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