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Posts Liked by Andrix018

I like nuts,
but I don't like pee
but I like peanuts.

18

I get into all
kinds of trouble,
all by myself.

But, with you, it's much more fun.

24

Love what you have before life teaches you to love what you've lost.

284

I wish he could
be the one

11

She looks so ugly standing there
What the hell am I even doing here?

5

I hope they don't make that Taylor Swift musical,

Too many main characters.

1

Liam saw a poster that said "I'm 22 today" and he began sing 22 by Taylor Swift then he looked at Harry and said "opps".

1

The year is 2053, a girl lay on her bed wearing 'vintage' ugg boots. "I was born in the wrong generation" she sighs as she listens to taylor swift and cries over her 1D poster. . .

some kids are actually gonna be like this.
And it terrifies me.

5

I miss the day when a cucumber was just a vegetable in my mind...

11

$Sex is like math. Add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don't multiply!$

51

I hope the
meatballs cum*
with extra sauce

13

They say nice guys finish last.

Good. I can't be with a man who cums first.

12

•|•

If your girlfriends mother asks you what contraceptive you use:

"I cum in her face"

is definitely not the appropriate answer.

14

Sometimes only I laugh at the things that come out of my crazy mind...

52

All of this could have been avoided...
If your dad had pulled out.

13

When you're distracted by someone, it's easy to fall up the stairs. Yeah.

27

Don't put out feelers, unless you want to be touched.

18

"It's never too early for toblerone."
- Ed Sheeran

10

She's smart. She's a smartass.
She's funny.
She's kind.
She's respectful.
She's talented.
She's my star.
She's sixteen!

23

"Be the porn you want to see in the world."

- Gandhi

19

YES!!
AGAIN!!
YESSS*!!
AGAIN!!
OH YES!!
AGAINNN*!!
OMFG YES!!
AGAIN?!?!?!

déjà fucking vu

27

Sometimes, you just have to put tape on your nipples and go running in the rain.

124

Well, yeah,
nausea being a feeling, I guess you could say I have feelings for you...

17

Kiss me like your ex is watching

256

If your heart was really broken you would be dead
so shut up.

29

I asked my parents whats it like to have such an awesome kid, they told me to ask my grandparents.

17

Lips that touch liquor touch other lips quicker

28

Nothing
in life is absolute only vodka

21

All the people who leave me alone have a special place in my heart.

15

On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
I lost my poor meatball, when somebody sneezed.
It rolled off the table, and onto the floor.
And then my poor meatball, rolled out the door...

92

Never make eye contact while forking your meatballs.

19

Don't get on my nerves.
I'm running Out of places to hide the bodies.

17

She sold seashells, down by the shore. But seashells don't sell; so now, she's a whore.

15

You don't have
to like me.
But please don't pretend you do.

30

I'm not sure if I should slap you now, or now.

11

Pharrell makes me unhappy instead of happy.

6

Clap along if you drank, too much of that 90 proof!
And you had too many beans, and your date ended when you poofed!
Clap along if you passed out and woke up with a pooch!
Clap along if your shorts are gone 'cause you threw them on the roof!

11

Legend says

when you can't sleep

it's because

someone hates you

I always have insomnia

14

DO WHATEVER YOU WANT... and by 'whatever you want,' I mean

me

Yeah. I know.

11

Can I have him for my birthday?

15

That moment when you walking in some stairs with unlaced sneakers and one shoe drops behind, and you feel like Cinderella.

7

If you're ugly, please leave before I wake up.

17

Telling a girl to "calm down" is like trying to baptize a cat.

566

"The word slut was invented for this sort of thing."

19

There is a guy across the alley, who thinks he can sing.

10

That moment when two girls in you're spanish class sittin' and having a "fight", but whit no yelling or fighting, they just sit and being like "I'm gonna delete you as a friend on facebook."
And you try not to laugh.
Mission impossible

5

Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iPhone, open and close their favorite apps all by themselves.

When I was that age,
I was eating dirt.

617

I love waving at random people, because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.

788

ALL
DAY
I
DREAM
ABOUT
SASQUATCH

7

Ladies, I'm on the market. The creepy, almost out of jail dude market.

18

Drugs take you to new
and exciting
places.
--------------
The local prision
Jail
Detoxification
The mental clinic
Mortuary
And the crematorium

32

Can gay people think straight?

7

Damnit! I said glass of juice not gas the jews!

3

The things about beards; they kind of grow on you.

150

go directly to hell.

do not pass GO.
do not collect $200.

13

I wanna do it again •

12

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahaNO.

11

Wait, let me check...

Yeah.
You're still a moron.

12

Right now, somebody is hard at work in a factory, shoving chocolate eggs up a bunny's ass, for you.

33

I'm sure Hitler tried to argue, he was only exterminating gay people, because he was against happiness, not homosexuals.

7

LET'S DO THE BUNNY THING

11

Favorite type of music to play during sex?

You.

198

After lunch, I enjoy taking a walk in the park, breathing some fresh air and throwing cats at people doing yoga.

49

If a guy starts a convo with you at a bar,
and his friend says something douchebagian* like, "close the deal," within earshot, chances are, the guy you're talking with is a douche bag, too.

8

If you ever feel dumb...

...remember that young sloths sometimes grab their own arms thinking they're tree branches

1

I like the type of people whose sense of humor may be described as "inappropriate with a chance of ruining family dinner."

45

I hate when people see me at the super market and they are like: "hey, what are you doing here?" and I'm just like: "oh, you know, hunting elephants."

28

I'm grateful for my crazy, psycho, insane and just totally messed up friends..
normal people scare the crap out of me •

39

i turn the music up because i'm partially deaf. i am partially deaf because i turn the music up.

27

I don't care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive.

40

I don't know why people take me so seriously.
I never even know what i'm saying.

21

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

19

I hate when people sit in front of you at the movies & take away your foot rest.

22

Some people just need to chill out...

in a bathtube!

with a toaster!

49

some people just need a hug

...around the neck

...with a rope.

80

The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons
and morons.

89

always trust people who like big butts.

they can not lie.

65

there are people still breathing because i can't afford a hitman..

21

Never trust a warm toilet seat

303

She's the village bicycle!

Everybodys had a ride.

7

Whats the difference between a wife and a job?

After 10 years a job still sucks

13

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute.
I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

91

I don't like the term "old people" can we agree to call them "baby ghosts" instead?

20

SMS to my wife:
I'll be home in 20 min. If haven't arrived then, read this message again.

18

Sometimes I use big words I don't always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

45

Damn girl!
Are you the sun?
'coz you need to stay about 92,960,000 miles away
from me •

21

The girls that say all guys only want is sex are the ones who only has that to offer

38

So you changed to an iPhone 5 just for an extra inch?

Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same...

44

When a girl is in love; one can see it in her smile.

When a boy is in love; one can see it in his pants.

24

Sex is a sensation
caused by a temptation.
A guy sticks his location, in a girls destination.
To increase population of the next generation.
Do you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?

121

When i die i want my tombstone to offer free WiFi so people will visit me more often.

85

What if the cure for cancer is trapped inside the mind of someone who can't afford an education?

72

I'd like to offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.

68

I'm gonna ignore you so hard you'll start to doubt your own existance.

73

Dear Noah,

we could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving 'till 5.

Sincerly,
Unicorns

127

BEFORE SEX...YOU HELP EACH OTHER GET NAKED, AFTER SEX YOU ONLY DRESS YOURSELF.

MORAL OF THE STORY: IN LIFE NO ONE HELPS YOU

ONCE YOU'RE FUCKED.

325

The
difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza •

147

I don't care if you think I'm insane.

The unicorn who visits me in the night time says
I don't and
I believe him.

154

You are more awesome than a monkey wearing a tuxedo

33

I have a 6th sense, I see dumb people.

33

7 billion people on this planet and I can only tolerate around 10 at the most.

27

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.

After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

33

what
the
hel
vetica

31

GO
HUG
YOURSELF

155

Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

628

laundry today
or
naked tomorrow

577

You look like something
I draw with my left hand.

959

It's not illegal. It's just frowned upon. Like masturbating on an airplane.

1546

When Facebook asks what's on your mind? Where are you? Who are you with? I can't help but wonder, "mum is that you?"

12

Kidnapping is such a strong word

I prefer surprise adoption

6

Roses are red Violets are blue Instead of someting romantic,
I hope you enjoyed these gardening facts.

28

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
god made me pretty what happend to you?

3

Roses are red,
my name is Dave,
this poem makes no sense, microwave

6

The best thing about Las Vegas is fat people pointing at fountains.

11

We're going to buy a dog or have a child, but can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or our lives.

188

You're shameless, inappropriate, naughty and overly offensive.

You're everything we ever wanted.

28

if you had an intelligent thought in your head...

it would die of loneliness

18

If Adam and Eve were Chinese,
we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.

210

only when a mosquito lands on your testicles, you realize there's a way to solve problems without using violence.

185

An Australian kiss is like a French kiss

but Down Under

154

Sushi your ass.

11

What starts with P and ends with O-R-N?

Thats right, poticorn!

3

Did you know that if you put your ear up a strangers leg you can hear them say:
What the fuck are you doing?!?

258

Spring needs to stand up to winter and kick it in the snowballs.

174

I wear my weirdness on the outside.

164

Talk nerdy
to me

19

Fuck it

I'm a unicorn

5

"It only takes a second for you to call a girl fat, and she'll take a lifetime trying to starve herself. Think before you act."
- Harry Styles

12

Guess it's only fair to throw monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.

38

My friends says: theres a blizzard coming. I reply: what lizards are coming?!
Sums up all my conversations.

13

"Sometimes I think that I'm not normal, and get weirder and weirder everyday."
- Louis Tomlinson

9

Relationship status:

Looking for a WiFi connection.

71

"No matter how hard life is, don't lose hope."
- Zayn Malik

9

rhinos are just fat unicorns

if we appreciated them more, they would reveal their magical mystical power

8

you're fat. i'm not going to sugar coat it cause you'll eat that too.

12

A best friend
loves you like
a mother,
protects you
like a father,
talks to you
like a sister
and fights with
you like a brother •

17

Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason why mothers cry at weddings

13

That awkward moment when someone skinnier than you says "I'm so fat" and you stand there like (-_-)

11

even hitler had a girlfriend. i am literally less desireable than hitler.

7

you are like hitler known but hated

3

Skinny girls think they are chubby,
chubby girls think they're fat
and fat girls think they can wear leggings •

33

THIS "NORMAL" YOU SPEAK OF DOESN'T SOUND FUN AT ALL.

416

Fan: If you were a hobo, what would your sign say?
Zayn: I don't have a bed, may I sleep in yours?

1

Interviwer "What's the sweetest thing you want to do in 2013?"
Harry "Eat an apple pie. Pretty sweet."

2

Niall "People always think I'm the youngest and I don't know why."
Louis "That's beacause you are cute and Harry is a perv."
~ Nouis

3

Zayn " I wouldn't change anything beacause I love my life."
Louis "And I love you."
Zayn "I love you too."
~ Zouis

3

I'm not saying that I'm big foot, I'm just saying nobody has ever seen me and big foot in a room together

23

Keep calm and horizontally run like Fat Amy.

1

Hi. I am a teenager & I speak 3 languages: English, Sarcasm, & Swearing.

7

My level of sarcasm is to a point where i don't even know if i'm kidding or not.

18

The best friendships
are built on inappropriateness and sarcasm.

21

"Please don't bother my directioners, bother me instead."
- Louis Tomlinson

2

"The only reason I wear stripes is because I secretly want to be a zebra..."
~ Louis Tomlinson

1

"If a guy take his girl for granted, he really deserves a slap, with a baseball bat"
~ Louis Tomlinson

1

"Sometimes I think that I'm not normal, and get weirder and weirder everyday."
~ Louis Tomlinson

1

"If I were a food, I'd be chili.."
"Cause you know.. I'm hot."
~ Louis Tomlinson

1

YOU MAY NOT BE PLASTIC, BUT YOU SURE ARE FANTASTIC.
~ Louis Tomlinson

1

"Living with Harry has it's benefits, he gives good massage, he cooks well and he constantly say 'I love you'."
~ Louis Tomlinson

3

"Shut the door
Turn the lights off
I wanna be with you
I wanna feel your love
I wanna lay beside you
I cannot hide this
Even though I try."
~ Liam Payne
Moments

5

"Once I was calling Harry & he didn't answer his phone, I find out later that he didn't answer beacause he likes his ringtone."
~ Zayn Malik

4

"Once we were eight hours without eating, so Louis took out a cereal bar, and instead of eating, he gave it to me."
~ Niall Horan

3

There is no such as a fat girl. Every girl is beautiful on her own way.
~ Niall Horan

4

A girl is like a Barbie: you can dress her, undress her, you can play with her ..but remember.. a real man doesn't play with Barbies
- Niall Horan.

6

"I'll find the words to say
Before you leave me today."
~ Harry Styles
Moments

1

"Don't try to make me stay
Or ask if I'm okay
I don't have the answer."
~ Harry Styles
Irresisteble

1

"I can make your girlfriend scream louder then you ever could just by pressing her follow button."
~ Harry Styles

2

It only takes a second to call a girl fat, and she'll take a lifetime trying to starve herself. Think before you act.
~ Harry Styles

3

We have a choice... to live or exist.
~ Harry Styles

9

your legs are like Taylor Swift and Harry Styles...
'They are never ever getting back together...'

6

N. Horan
L. Payne
Z. Malik
H. Styles
L. Tomlinson
One Direction

5

Hater to One Direction: "In which direction did five gay guys walk in?"

Directioner: "I don't know why don't you and your four friend go and we will see"

2

It costs nothing to be nice.
Confidence allows us to succeed.
Celebrate being original.
Embrace your uniqueness.
Being true is being brave.

-One Direction

4

Hitler might not have been such an asshole if he hadn't been left hanging for all his high fives.

2

The moment when people ask what Hitlers last name was.

17

I hate when teachers says "do you think this is funny?"
Obviously. That's why I laughed.

5

Maybe Hitler was so mad because no one ever High-fived him back...

29

She said "I need to go take a shower",

I said "I like it when you talk dirty to me"

5

Never hire an electrician with no eyebrows. Just saying.

10

Dwarf
shortage!

6

The word 'oxymoron' is an oxymoron.

'oxy' means sharp
'moron' means dull.

8

Hardest thing ever? Controlling your laughter at serious times.

25

They say "you are what you eat!"
That's funny. I don't remember eating a sexy beast this morning.

6

Déjà Vu is when God thinks something is so funny, that he has to rewind it to show it to his friends.

22

I'm literally my own best friend. I have inside jokes with myself, and sometimes i'll start laughing out loud at how funny i am.

13

People who laugh so hard at their own jokes that they can't even finish the joke because they're laughing so hard are my favorite kind of people...

30

Vagina Jokes arn't funny.Period.

••••

18

It's funny how we can remember the lyrics to hundreds of songs, but can't remember anything when we study for a test.

17

Wanna read something funny?

Something funny.

32

Chemistry jokes are sodium funny.

14

I'm not actually funny. I'm just mean and people think I'm joking.

36

Sex jokes are not funny. I mean cum on people.

152

Sarcasm is the best answer to a stupid question.

15

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid.
I really thought you already knew.

45

Everything happens for a reason!

Sometimes the reason is that you are stupid and you make bad decisions.

64

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

197

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air-freshener.

85

life should be more like hockey. when someone pisses you off, you just beat the shit out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.

97

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

94

That moment when you must recorrect auto correct correcting you, to properly swear in a text message.

101

Sorry, but your password must contain a capital letter, two numbers,
a symbol, an inspiring message, a spell,
a gang sign,
a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin.

200

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