MarcellaA's Posts

But what would a society without someone berating you for rolling a stop sign in your shitty car in a wealthy neighborhood even look like???

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Don't ever doubt my optimism. The $500 worth of lingerie I ordered while I've been single and quarantined alone just arrived.

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boldino, JMBis and AndSheCame like this

if we don’t stop white people this instant Joe Biden is gonna walk out to Ambitionz Az A Ridah at the debate

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Man you know Drew Bree's wife is giving him hell right now.. Talking hella shit.

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AndSheCame likes this

twitter.com/marcellacomedy… twitter.com/marcellacomedy…

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It’s cool how cops are dead bent on proving everybody 100% correct about them twitter.com/chadloder/stat…

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Ziya likes this

This might be the last thing I’ll say on the subject but in all of this, we’re getting white people in power being like “check out these black owned (insert things)!!!” which proves one thing— it’s not that they didn’t have access to it, it’s that they just didn’t care.

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Thank u cops for keeping me safe from the elderly

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LinesInTheSand likes this

Holy fuck can y’all take this outside

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AndSheCame likes this

Trust me u won’t twitter.com/pallavigunalan…

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“My parents didn’t escape civil war for this shit” hits different today.

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Ziya likes this

If there's advice I can give to protesters who maybe didn't grow up in the hood, have never been shot at, & can't run fast. If cops start shooting rubber bullets at you & there's nothing to shield you: zig-zag run. Advice that was given to me as a teen & it saved my life once.

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AndSheCame and Ziya like this

hey insta-thots if your protest posts are garnering less attention than your thirst traps you have a problem. i mean, continue showing hole but your following is trash

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One of my favorite Venezuelan insults is “huevo sin sal” and that’s exactly the energy some of these artists are giving today

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You know, I always wanted to know what it would be like to simultaneously experience the Spanish flu, Great Depression, and 1968 mass protests while Andrew Johnson was president.

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LinesInTheSand likes this

Just quit being a cop. Stop! Quit your fuckin job. I’ve quit every job I’ve ever had. It’s easy and it rules

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Loving the chaos. Maybe they’ll listen. Lana you ain’t shit

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How does one apply to be a part of Anonymous? I just wanna help out, I’ll even make the hackers coffee or suttin

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Attending protests is not for everyone and that's ok. Whether you are continuing to quarantine in mid-pandemic or you simply do not feel comfortable/safe, here are 3 ways you can still show your support from home that takes less than 30 min:

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Look. If you were protesting support your immune system this morning. Put those clothes in the washing machine, hydrate, take your vitamins or whatever you do for immune support, rest. Take your temp. Check for symptoms.Stress makes you more vulnerable to illness. Stay vigilant.

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Lana del Rey is begging to get her ass beat at this point. Is she crazy?

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People truly don’t see their own privilege. Bitch if you sleeping tonight that’s a fucking privilege. See that.

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AndSheCame likes this

Proud to say that as someone from Long Island I have never had sex with a cop

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I hope my food gets here soon. #Curfew

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AndSheCame likes this

lol I meant to write killer cops!! ...or did I...

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Be safe L.A. it’s getting rowdy. Be safe and be smart.

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AndSheCame likes this

The US launching a rocket today feels like they’ve given up on earth and decided to start racism in outer space.

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Fionacatherine likes this

To all the racists that are mad about my tweets as a queer black person: I’m also an immigrant

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LinesInTheSand likes this

OFF DUTY NURSES AND MEDICS ARE IN BLACK LONG SLEEVES WITH MASKS WITH A RED CROSS ON IF U NEED MEDICAL HELP IN DOWNTOWN SAN JOSE. WE HAVE BACKPACKS FULL OF SUPPLIES.

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AndSheCame likes this

It’s time for those hornets to pick a side

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He’s lucky he didn’t arrest himself or he’d be dead.

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Taylor Swift going hard at white supremacists and Kanye West is buddies with them. Go figure.

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I keep thinking about how those cops hesitated when they heard that cnn reporters name and it confusing them (Jimenez but he looks black?) and them having a whisper conversation about the complexities of being Afro Latino so they roshambo it out that he’s black and handcuff him.

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COVID-19 may be under control in Florida but they have an unprecedented “pneumonia” crisis.

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a white person that owes me money donated to the minnesota freedom fund and now i'm conflicted

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I might be on some Alicia Keys shit moving forward. The idea of putting on make up every day feels even more oppressive than putting on bra. I've also been ON MY SHIT when it comes to my skin so you gonna get this clean face freshness.

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AndSheCame likes this

A reminder to any queer person not understanding riots and looting.

The Stonewall Uprising was 5 days of rioting, looting, and VIOLENT protests against the police.

These RIOTS, led by Black & brown trans & queer folx were the catalyst for the reason we have LGBTQ rights today.

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Shout out to the instagram thots still posting pics of them in booty shorts during such a stressful time. I needed to see those stretch marks this morning. God bless you. Hero's don't always wear capes... sometimes they wear clear heels.

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I texted my super religious mom that my friend died and she asked his name for her prayer circle so I told her Dick. I always called him Richard, I just wanted her to have to say the word dick to god

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AndSheCame likes this

No I won’t do your podcast cause I got nothin to promote but depression

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Girls w small boobs:

Girls w big boobs: BE HAPPY w your SMALL tits. That top would look RIDICULOUS on my ENORMOUS JUICY TITS. Want some boob? I wish there was a titty donation station so I could drop mine off to you HAHA. But no seriously, I’d look like an ABSOLUTE WHORE in that

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Ugh just cancel me already so I can move back home to my parents place to eat pehrzehn food all day and live in peace with my father who just makes salsa all day and talks to his garden and be ignored by my mom who says things like “I already raised you, let me have peace”

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AndSheCame likes this

Every news story is just “There’s conflicting information about the thing you care about - click here to read the side that you’re most likely to agree with!”

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Yes I will delete this all in a moment lol

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AndSheCame likes this

Black folk, might be time for us to give a statue to the camera phone. Done as much for fighting racism as MLK, Malcom & Farrakhan combined. At minimum, the camera phone need its own holiday.

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I’m officially dedicating my life to suicide prevention and mental illness!!! Y’all not alone Waka Flocka Flame is with y’all now!!!!

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I once saw a puppy get run over because the owner in the crosswalk didn’t have a leash on it so the driver didn’t see the dog because it was so small and if there was a leash on the driver woulda seen it anyways what’s white peoples obsession with not using a leash & also racism

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Aint even 3 hrs in and this day is stressful AF. without my number one self soothe (good ole binge eating) I can see this about to be one of those feel it to heal it moments.

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AndSheCame likes this

I think Karen had a good run, but it seems like overkill. I think we should just bring back the word cunt.

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AndSheCame and perellano like this

Doja with the bill Clinton impression lmaaaaooooo

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will someone tell me what lana said? I would watch the video but I don't wanna die in 7 days

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perellano likes this

am i out of shape or do i have covid

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If your mom is your best friend she has failed as a mother

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When I cut my man’s hair I did a mostly excellent job but made sure to fuck up one side a lil so people wouldn’t think he was one of those “haircuts are in the constitution” people.

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I guess this is the weekend we find out who in our lives is taking this seriously or not.

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kenwats and DominicLomax like this

Hollywood needs a greater diversity of noses.

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The problem with 10:30pm is that it comes exactly one minute before 2:30am if you’re not careful.

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Kite11 and AndSheCame like this

Should I break quarantine to suck a dick? Before you say no say yes

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AndSheCame likes this

The way I worded this some of y’all don’t understand what I’m saying and I find that truly fascinating

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AndSheCame likes this

Honestly what a great way to start my Saturday.

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I luh deez covid 19 beards and natural hairlines with no edge up .

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Look me in the fucking eyes and tell me how boats work

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Did Joe Biden learn nothing from Lana

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Here’s the thing: every person I know that is like “everything on TV *SUCKS* it’s all corny” everytime I’ve read something they’ve written, it is truly like a dead squirrel came to life and walked across a computer keyboard.

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hiding people from your instastories so they can't DM you 10-20 times a day is self care

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AndSheCame likes this

Lana keeping Rihanna outta that group? You ain’t gettin that feature or free undies you dummy.

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I just witnessed an armed terrorist with an AR-15 shoot up Westgate. There are multiple victims.

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Just once I’d like to see someones twitter bio say ~ all opinions are my employers’ ~

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Ziya likes this

I probably hate you if you’re a comedian who never retweets other comedians.

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Ziya likes this

Anyone else give themselves Type 2 diabetes during quarantine?

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i delete tweets bc something abt me just don't sit well with me

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Considering how much time we spent on them in school I thought volcanos would be much more of a problem

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im always intrigued by close friends stories...who not allowed to see u grilling zucchini

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Captain Hook: Why Peter Pan Is Indeed Too Good to Be True (Opinion)

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Nothing makes me feel more like a clown than going from a full time comedian to an unemployed comedian.

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swatchUSA likes this

-----ATTENTION-----

If you or a loved one has been refused entry to a private business for not wearing a mask and you would like to explore legal options to protect your constitutional rights, our law firm is happy to explain just how fucking stupid you are.

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Fionacatherine and AndSheCame like this

People Are Really Out There Majoring In Economics Like What Are You Gonna Do. Fix It?

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ok i'm really doing it. i am making a spreadsheet (which i will share) of all the virtual STANDUP comedy shows. please reply to this tweet with the public link to your show (private links welcome via DM ;)), show name, hosts, day of week, and time (eastern). weeklies only plz.

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My favorite thing to say and hear is “I never thought of it that way”

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AndSheCame likes this

public beef? .......at a time like this? friends, i’m beefing with my serotonin levels and nothing else

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A gas station attendant asked if my strawberry blonde hair was natural. Sometimes you gotta lie instead of make an essential worker feel stupid

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I’m glad tik tok has normalized dancing from the waist up cause I don’t know when I’m gonna get off this couch

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hey seniors, if you're really missing graduation sit in the sun wearing a shower curtain while someone reads from a phonebook for 3 hours

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AndSheCame likes this

Once a week I think about Reese Witherspoon on IG live talking to Offset, and MLK in heaven like “did I make a mistake”

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We should also start using contact tracing to find out how somebody became a racist or sexist or an asshole.

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HeartOnFire, UserOne, perellano, JodieT, erikvisser, BoldDelight and Ziya like this

reposted by Ziya

Y’all be on here like I wanna see The Temptations vs Danity Kane.

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Comedians heading to tiktok is like everyone running to the life boats on the titanic. It was meant for women and children

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I love Nelly tryna end it and Luda’s like “i got 67 more hits I could play”

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I think the issue here is that Nelly is streaming not from a phone but an actual pair of Air Force Ones.

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We’re ten months away from a Modern Love that’s like: “I went to quarantine with a platonic friend who has an air conditioner and we immediately got pregnant and now we’re married with a baby.”

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AndSheCame and petegutz2 like this

its always “these tiktok dances are too much!” but never “these tiktok dances are too difficult for me to learn and im aggressively hating on the youths ability to learn intricate steps and look like theyre having fun and i havent had fun in years and my knees dont work.”

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BoldDelight, JodieT and AndSheCame like this

reposted by petegutz2

Future said he wanna take care of her AND her friends.. let me turn this shit off.

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¿Ya estamos listos para aceptar que tik tok es soft porn?

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I’m acting like Netflix is homework

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i have no desire to live in any other city (that is not also a virus hot spot) so i’m holding out until everyone who can/wants to leave leaves and the rents go down, don’t fuck this up for me. fly away, snowbirds!

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AndSheCame likes this

Happy Friday!
Morning thought: it’s more important now then ever to go out an support your local restaurant, grocery story, supermarket, flower vendors, etc.

Our community really needs the help.

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Ziya and AndSheCame like this

Tiktokkers Be Like Let Me Just BEAT This Homeless Man To The Brink Of DEATH For This TIK TOK.

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LeBron James makes movies, appears in commercials, etc. when he could be trying to invent some sort of time dilation device or vehicle that would allow him to play against Michael Jordan. Makes you wonder where his priorities lie.

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fuck yeah just got my stimulus check and bought 21 days of living in my apartment

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AndSheCame likes this

i dont fuck with cops like that but ima need them to come to my neighborhood and arrest all these maskless white people preferably with excessive force.

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I say we bring back live comedy with Iliza Shlesinger first and just her audiences and we see how it all goes

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My favorite thing to do is go on peoples ig live and ask “what the fuck is going on in here” big shout out to everyone who answers

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I miss being a bitch in public.

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I accidentally combined Governor and Gavin and called him Gavinor Newsom and that’s what I’m calling him from now on.

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AndSheCame likes this

It really is the perfect time to have a secret pregnancy.

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AndSheCame likes this

last year, I saw a celebrity hiking in Elysian. our dogs got along, so they walked with me for a while. they mentioned that coyotes had invaded the park. surely, they meant we developed the area & drove the coyotes INTO the park. no, they said, we were here first. GUESS THE CELEB

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If u love your dad you are a Michael Jordan is goat person, if you love your wife you are a LeBron James is goat.

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Whoever broke this bitch heart owe me a fade. This mf don’t believe shit I say

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A boy just asked me to come to his house and bring my own drugs, and it really got me thinking... am I ugly?

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I said “Langston go get my switch” and my mom was like girl you better stop playing with my baby but I was talking about my Nintendo switch sis...not the ones you used to beat me with.

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AndSheCame likes this

haven’t been tweeting because i finished being mentally ill. good luck to the rest of you

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DominicLomax likes this

I hope I don’t dream all night.
I need my rest.

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perellano and swatchUSA like this

The news be like:

“White Billionaire Defies Local Government”

“Armed White Residents Defy Statewide Health Ordinance”

“Is Murder Your Only Chance Of Stopping Unarmed Black Men From Entering Vacant Construction Sites? More At 11.”

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Male writers often struggle writing female characters but luckily I grew up with sisters so I'm able to craft rich realistic dialogue for my female characters such as "leave us alone you dumb idiot" or "fuck off back to your room you stupid dumb idiot."

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DominicLomax likes this

Standup comedy needed a break. We were giving specials to professional athletes.

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interested in physically fighting this mom you claim is the strongest woman you know

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fellas is it gay to go outside? I mean you letting somebody sun give you vitamin D

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All I know is every time Jill plays a song my girl sings at me like I did her wrong ...

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to use erykah and jill to demean megan thee stallion as if they all haven’t been making music about dick since the jump

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My mom is arguing with my grandma on the phone cause my grandma thinks COVID-19 is a story the whole family agreed to tell her as an excuse as to why we can't visit and I'm like "damn bitch.....got us lol"

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AndSheCame likes this

Be proud of who you are because people will try to make you feel bad about everything and I know that's true cause I am that person.

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AndSheCame likes this

Mother’s Day was nicer when I didn’t realize it was a celebration of some lady getting blasted raw by some man.

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AndSheCame likes this

Damn. Death is having a moment.

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AndSheCame likes this

Coronavirus detected in semen? Damn swallowing is officially suicide.

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AndSheCame likes this

All those cute videos of toddlers being tested on waiting to eat the snack sitting in front of them is just me when my food gets to the table before my friends’ food and they’re like girl eat! And I’m like no I’ll wait for yours! Because manners. Anyways I miss restaurants.

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Straight women are only on IG to tell their girlfriends they're hot why is that so hard to understand??

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You can always tell when a guy’s dad taught him how to fight.

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AndSheCame likes this

Shoulda bought stock in ring lights before quarantine

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I was supposed to be performing in Chicago and Detroit this weekend. Guess I’ll just be alive in California instead.

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AndSheCame and swatchUSA like this

All this global pandemic taught me is that God is a republican.

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Seeing RBG Getting a
in a odd hour call
headline from my mom

“Did someone die?”

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My mom wants to cut my dads hair and Im trying to talk her out of destroying their marriage

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Trans people X Æ A-12

Picking a new name for themselves

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Just wanna thank everyone sharing clickbait headlines for news articles that require subscription

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might be all the movies i've been watching but it definitely feels like we're living in "the future" now, huh

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A troll has been DMing me to kill myself for a full year. Now I can’t even do it if I wanted to or he’ll think he won

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I feel like the toilet paper and egg shortage was just karma for all the people who egged and tp’d houses in the 90s. #balance

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ever saw a tweet and said “bitch stfu”?

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AndSheCame likes this

I don’t condone people that buy donuts and cut them in half for everyone.

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AndSheCame likes this

people with multiple rooms??? and ample money??? complaining about being in quarantine????

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Convo_Ray, AndSheCame and DominicLomax like this

Okay those OC protestors are out of their minds but tbh I definitely wish my biggest problem in life was not being allowed to go to the beach.

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Fionacatherine likes this

I wonder what that Oakland librarian in 2010 thought of me when I only checked out the Queen Latifah jazz album.

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Just got my first life insurance deposit from my grandmother who died back in January. I feel deeply somber and guilty but it cheers me up knowing she would’ve wanted me to have a gaming pc with overclockable processors and a GeForce RTX 2080 Ti graphics card.

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AndSheCame likes this

Can’t believe I never knew that the simple trick to making delicious home cooked meals is adding an extra 3-4 hours of time on it.

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I feel like “being a sneaker head” is just a cop out MOST of the time for not knowing how to dress

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A hot guy gets almost as many random thirsty DM’s as an ugly woman

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Me before quarantine, watching Castaway: Really? He's best friends with a ball???

Me during quarantine: Look at you go Roomba, you crazy son of a bitch

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AndSheCame likes this

i want mark ruffalo to lock me up in a cage while a second mark ruffalo works tirelessly to release me. across town, a third mark ruffalo tinkers with his forehead-kissing machine. could it be...too tender? he cries out

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AndSheCame likes this

I don’t know who needs to hear this but Mother’s Day is coming up and mail takes longer than usual and she pushed your bitch ass out her pussy so the least you could do is send her a card during a pandemic you selfish piece of shit.

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AndSheCame likes this

I’ve been to theme parks all over the world but my favorite rollercoaster so far: My emotions.

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swatchUSA and Ziya like this

I'm so bored during quarantine whenever a news outlet shares an article about a serial killer on social media I reply with, "Free the homie. He ain't do shit." People get so mad. I understand trolls now. It's a high like no other. And I smoked crack once.

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Me parenting in the pandemic:
“Yeah, I guess you can ruin that”

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AndSheCame likes this

if you shoot your “wanna get food once this all is over” shot and get no reply back it should count as a covid19 related death

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My couch probably thinks I won the lottery

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Ziya likes this

Can someone get snap chat and apple to work together so I don’t have to put on make up for all these FaceTime calls

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Ziya likes this

if i get corona i want it to be from my mom or my lover, not a sweaty man boy jogging way too close by me without a mask, r we clear?

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AndSheCame likes this

I wanna be a re-enactor on a true crime tv show . They get to be such bad actors it must be freeing.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Fuck. I miss gossiping in person.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Have you seen this great show I just discovered called Pretty Big Little Lying Gossip Girls

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I hope hospitals have a separate wing for all the people that are about to come in after injecting Lysol into their body. And by separate wing I mean the parking lot by the dumpsters.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Fionacatherine likes this

I’m not bored I’m distracting myself

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Trump telling his supporters to consume disinfectants? I love that for us.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

swatchUSA likes this

i’m sorry but i have not been in therapy long enough to feel sorry for racists injecting bleach into their veins

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

swatchUSA and kenwats like this

Sis stop going thru his phone and go thru his wallet

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I went to the kitchen to pop a can of biscuits in the oven only to discover that I already ate them.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

bold, AndSheCame, swatchUSA and kenwats like this

I should not know more people who’ve injured themselves in avoidable accidents during self isolation than people who’ve had covid!!

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

I finally started using all the beauty products and hair care samples I’ve collected and it’s been a nice distraction from all the death.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Ziya and AndSheCame like this

I love that every living being on earth is getting exactly ONE viral video right now.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I’m seeking an Indigenous graphic illustrator to do a commissioned cover for an Indigenous Science & Ecology journal. The one we had fell through. DM me with your price (I’m paying from my personal funds). Thank you

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

not ansel elgort posting a thirst trap n pretending to have an onlyfans in order to raise money for a charity

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

damn, white people protest and shit change the next day. lol

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Performed a Zoom comedy show from my apartment and I got a lot of questions after the set from the audience about how I keep my kitchen so clean so yeah I'd say stand up comedy is alive and well

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

kenwats likes this

I guess it’s Beyoncé for Boys night on Twitter.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

It’s sad when you realize how many of your loved ones may die from covid19 but at least some of your haters will too.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

just think... so much bad art is being made right now

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I just saw two people not social distancing so I hit them with my car. This isn’t a game.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

kenwats and DominicLomax like this

this why millennials be angry all the time. we go to work and our supervisors are folks that can’t rotate a pdf.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

I don’t know how I’m still hungry after all that frosting.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

The villain in The Devil Wears Prada is everyone who wasn’t ready.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I would do this on stage but since that’s not happening for a long time, just let me know if a comic or writer steals this idea. Thanks.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Since it’s gonna be a long time before anyone sees my face covered in acne and I never have to be further than a foot away from my toilet, I just want to officially announce that I am no longer lactose intolerant.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

DominicLomax likes this

Just because you’re good at a thing doesn’t mean you’re good at all things. I’m good at breaking down rap beefs and making anxiety look like general disinterest, but that doesn’t mean you should trust my opinion on the Electoral College.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

The rewording experiment did ok

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

There are parts of Beyoncé’s Sorry that match perfectly with Fiona‘s song Fetch the Bolt Cutters. I can feel it.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

There’s a bird that moved into a tree by my bedroom window and for the last 2 weeks has been chirping between 1 and 4am like it’s the crack of dawn and I’m like damn go back to where you came from!!!!! So anyways I understand republicans now

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Please don’t read anything into this, but every time I try to research somewhere to kill myself, I accidentally stumble upon a juicy article about suicidal or murderous lesbians and end up sucked in and forgetting my plan. Being gay has saved my life in so many ways, wow.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I always knew I never wanted to be a housewife and cooking three meals every single day for someone who doesn’t appreciate it has only confirmed that belief! Sure I live alone but that doesn’t mean I can’t have an opinion on these shit ass meals.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

Lmaaaaooooo I’m sorry okay

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

Even more relevant after that clip dropped.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

This was a bad year for high school kids to wait til prom to lose their virginity

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame, petegutz2 and kenwats like this

My ex’s texts aren’t even that bad compared to the pathetic emails I’m getting from ceo’s from every business I went to once sir I didn’t even give you pussy RELAX

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

kenwats likes this

Babe Ruth paid a kid to go through his mail and throw away everything but checks and letters from women. That kid's name? Albert Einstein.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I think we are all wondering “can you smell the alcohol thru my mask?”

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

TimBuktu, swatchUSA and petegutz2 like this

reposted by swatchUSA

I don’t know how y’all are handling your families right now when I can barely handle these dishes.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I keep trying to have sex with myself but this bitch gettin uglier by the day

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

DominicLomax likes this

Carrie Underwood: “he’s probably buying her fruity little drink ‘cause she can’t shoot whiskey

9 year old me: wow how embarrassing

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Best laugh in a minute.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

Everyday is just one long meal.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Luca.Cheers likes this

This shit is actually a breeze if you’ve already had a few mental breakdowns

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame and swatchUSA like this

Can’t stop thinking about some poor white trump supporter in middle america watching the daily press briefing on fox a couple days ago and having his only takeaway be “trump fucks models hell yeah take that libtards”

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Netflix & meltdown.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Alright ladies the joke that you’re wife material after learning how to scramble an egg is officially sad. Let it go and just text your ex. It’s not getting any better than him. I’m sorry.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Can’t wait to get ten new hobbies when every business is forced to close and mark all of their items down 90%.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I am very lucky the term fuckboy didn’t exist in 2002

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Hey it’s okay to not be productive during quarantine. And it’s okay to be productive too. And I’m just here to let you know that if you need strangers on the internet to inform you of this you need professional help. Please. Get therapy.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

If live stand up comedy was heroin, these online shows are the methadone clinics

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I’m listening to Mariah’s Christmas album days into the quarantine

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

kenwats likes this

You bitches catch up yet

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Every woman who was a teen in the 2000s should have several bandanas to use as masks. I don't wanna hear any excuses.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame and swatchUSA like this

35 year old unemployed pandemic me just wants to give a shout out to 19 year old me for deciding not to have children after helping raise my first nephew. Good lookin out.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

instagram updated the browser to let you watch live on your laptop. they over there working hard yall

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

joe exotic has coronavirus. finally, the only two things i think about are now just one thing.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Hi, I'm a reporter: Are you a landlord whose tenants missed rent, and so you're now trying to figure out how to evict them this month? If so, please get in touch. It's not for a story, I just want to beat your ass

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

So glad we’re prioritizing money for the airline industry so that when I’m homeless I can fly to any city in the world and be homeless there too.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

DominicLomax likes this

Usually if I bump my own tweet it’s because a mutual has too similar of a tweet. Truly hate you all.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

The only thing motivating me to stay inside is knowing that if I die from coronavirus my funeral will only have 10 people there because of gathering restrictions and I absolutely refuse to have a wack ass funeral.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

9 times out of 10 when someone “well actually”s a joke what they really want is to engage in a conversation and you know what? I hate that for us.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I’m watching futurama in order and this episode is unreal amounts of perfect right now. Season 6 episode 24, Cold Warriors.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Corona got me thinking of becoming left handed. Fuck it I got the time.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

chrysti likes this

Drake is Adonis’ birth father but his REAL dad is Chet Hanks.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Everyone should cut their own hair during self isolation because not only are you satisfying your urges today but you’re providing job security for every hairstylist in three to six months.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame, swatchUSA and chrysti like this

Apparently the secret to clear skin is staying home.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame and chrysti like this

It’s time to replace “how are you” with “are you diagnosed yet?”

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

chrysti likes this

(all those crackers deserve prison)

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

It’s a great time to clean and organize your closet or office and pack up things you don’t need since donations of many items will be needed soon by those less fortunate than you. Plus you’ll have already gotten rid of any embarrassing shit you got laying around if you die.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

kenwats likes this

I honestly can’t tell whose lips are real anymore

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Everyone’s gonna gain weight or lose it either way the jean industry is gonna see a huge boom.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

DominicLomax and AndSheCame like this

I just realized the daily press briefing q&a is just debate prep. Biden has no chance. Goodnight, cutie pies.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

The hour special that Katt Williams gives us on the other side of all of this is going to be legendary. I can’t wait.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Pasta’s officially a nightmare. Day 16.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I wanna do squats but I also really wanna just keep laying here.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame, swatchUSA and Fionacatherine like this

Maybe I can get a sweet deal on a used Princess cruise ship when this is all done.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Thirst traps from women are about to be strictly from the titties to just below the eyebrows.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

The real tragedy is all the people who didn’t have Twitter during the bubonic plague.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

UserOne and Ziya like this

reposted by Ziya and UserOne

I went for a walk today and crossed the street anytime I saw someone coming but didn’t want the Asian guy walking his dog to think I was racist so I French kissed him instead.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Right now my brain is at the corner of PMS and quarantine so I’m gonna log off for the safety of me and my future employment.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Men are having a hard time social distancing because they’ve lied so much about their height they don’t actually know what 6 feet looks like.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

swatchUSA likes this

There’s comfort in knowing everyone’s a mess right now.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

Somebody called this Quarantine day 2 and I want to be the first one to let you know you late and you nasty

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

Ok u stinkers don’t stay up too late u got school tomorahhhh just kidding!!! Night!!

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame and janem803 like this

I’m really sick and tired of my neighbors not banging!!! If not now, when??? Wtfffff

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

janem803 likes this

this is all just to promote the new season of handmaid’s tale

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

swatchUSA likes this

Okay sure you don’t find this funny now so I’ll retweet it in two weeks.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Okay after this press briefing I’m officially convinced the Trump administration talked the president INTO saying “China virus” INSTEAD OF Kung Flu or something way way worse.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

DominicLomax likes this

College students in Florida test positive for coronavirus after spring break trip. So now they’re gonna give your grandma covid19 AND chlamydia. Smh.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

someone take this app away from me.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

kenwats and AndSheCame like this

alright kids moms drunk just remember to brush ur teeth xx

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

All I’ve learned during quarantine is that getting pretty for just “me and the girls“ is really not as fun if there’s no dudes to scam drinks off of. Wow. I really ain’t shit.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Top 3 things immigrant parents are telling their kids regarding covid19:

1. You should move back home
2. You should go back to school
3. That’s it

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

now would be a great time to develop a shadow clone jutsu

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Is he hitting on this woman wtf

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Alright you guys just cause it’s Friday doesn’t mean you need to stay up late. Every day is a Tuesday now. Night!

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

chrysti and perellano like this

I keep thinking about Trump saying google was working on a site to input your symptoms to see if you have covid19 and I feel like it was just someone explaining web md to him ten minutes before that speech.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

chrysti likes this

I miss stand-up. I love stand-up. While it may have left me with no savings and no marketable post-apocalyptic skills, it did keep me from having a child that I would surely let starve to death while I was playing records.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

my sister's like "when is this gonna be over!?" and it's like... how should I know? I'm not a shady senator exploiting an international crisis for my own personal financial gain.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

my parents come from a place where scarcity, paranoia, and misinformation are the norm.

so in the midst of this pandemic,
I urge you to be more like them: be brave, stay positive, and flee to a better country

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Fionacatherine likes this

Can you guys get offline I’m tryna stream cartoons and you’re really fucking it up

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

DominicLomax likes this

They say orgasms boost your immune system. So I guess we can add married straight women to those at high risk.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

petegutz2 likes this

I hate when people are like "resorting to name calling is just proof that you lost the argument," first of all bitch name calling is fun.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame and Bettydent like this

Gonna work on myself until the guy I like and the guy I fuck aren’t two very different people.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Ziya and AndSheCame like this

This dude told me he didn't think I was from California cause I had such a New York vibe and I was like "did you just call me a bitch?"

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I don’t need to “see myself” in a president. I need to stop seeing GoFundMe campaigns for insulin.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Every woman is looking for some special anti-wrinkle serum that takes 10 years off their face when you could just stop fake laughing at men’s jokes and look fifteen forever.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

My grandmother died of Alzheimer’s which was sad to watch but also I can’t wait to get it and forget that all y’all ain’t shit. What a blessing.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

All these docs on serial killers made me realize I actually handle rejection REALLY well.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

All I’ve learned from listening to the impeachment hearing is that you can do anything you want in the White House except get your dick sucked.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Fionacatherine likes this

More straight men are getting into astrology. We really gotta get healthcare for everybody before this shit gets outta control.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Self love is realizing everybody around you ain’t shit

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Bettydent and AndSheCame like this

I’m 1/2 basic bitch on my Dad’s side. It’s a problem

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

chrysti likes this

I want to take a nap but I have makeup on so I guess I’ll stay up forever.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

Don’t think TERFs should be allowed to have feminist in their name. I suggest we start calling them TERDs. Trans exclusionary radical douchebags.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

If social media wasn’t such a lucrative tool in the business I’m in I wouldn’t even be on it.

Lost souls influenced by lost souls.

I hate to see it.

I encourage people to have the courage to find themselves without the false sense of security they search for on the internet.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

That dude licking the back of his hand before slapping that fool is my one true vibe.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

sorry to be so basic, but i really think it's okay if we bring sexy vampires back to film & tv. that being said, someone please cast Manny Jacinto as a hot immortal.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Has a rapper already said this lmk

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

when I get a therapist maybe I’ll be able to forgive my parents for not being rich Hollywood elites

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Tom went from funny to tears in a snap. THIS IS WHY HES RECEIVING THIS AWARD. ACTING LEGEND!!!

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I’m supposed to talk about the movie cats on a podcast tomorrow but I haven’t seen it so send me your thoughts so I can plagiarize you is that the right word who cares thanks in advance

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

It's ridiculous that people are telling me to enlist simply because I vocally support war. There are different types of service and mine happens to be posting

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

Good first date idea is a museum. The only place you can go with someone and just wander off alone 5-10 mins at a time. If the date is wack, just walk off, text other ppl, check ya Twitter then come back talking bout some shit you saw around the corner.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

if you don’t like pickles keep that shit to yourself that’s fucking embarrassing

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

You ever meet a guy that you’re instantly attracted to and think, “well that’s a red flag.“

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

I called my mom and she started gossiping like I was her home girl and this is the best conversation we’ve ever had

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

if the simpsons ain’t predict it,
it won’t even happen. Y’all trippin

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

swatchUSA likes this

ONE WEEK AWAY GET TICKETS

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

My Nieghbors boyfriend is rapping to her outside her door because he fucked up and wants her back and I just hope they break up because nigga you are bad at rapping and relationships.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

My demons used to be like “kill yourself” but now they’re like “get a bowl cut”

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

system of a down: why dont presidents fight the war. why do they always send the poor
me: [13 yrs old] damn why do they do that

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

swatchUSA likes this

Please stop giving me your 2 cents on a joke I tweeted for free

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I really liked Little Woman until halfway through when I realized it was set during the Civil War and then I didn’t give a fuck about their problems.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Nothing helps you forgive an ex like new bad dick.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Treat your lady good before she ends up on my couch getting her forehead licked.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Pitch: an app like Cameo except instead of celebrities it’s your dad sending a video saying he’s proud of you.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

“You ugly.” So fucking what. Dick still gone get ate off the bone. So i must be handsome. That’s how you combat negativity. Look on the bright side.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

It’s the 20’s We doing organized crime and wearing 3 piece suits to breakfast meetings.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

after watching "don't fuck with cats" i'm beginning to believe that white people don't have bills to pay

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Medicare for all so dudes can afford therapy and stop relating to drake lyrics.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

We were all fucked the day we stopped calling depression “the blues.”

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Me at 16: I hate jocks

Me at 30: the key to mental health is regular exercise, sex, and time spent with friends

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

itsme. likes this

Uncut Gems making 20 million in 5 days is proof you’re all a mess and love chaos!!! I knew hating you was right!!!!

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Cats lost $85 million and you’re afraid to send a pitch

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter. And I'll fucking do it again

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I’m turning into my father. I also don’t want kids.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

My homeboy in Modesto got a Tesla. He’s living in the future and the past at the same time.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Don Imus has died. A victory for nappy headed hos everywhere.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

i don't binge shows ever and i just smashed an entire season of #YouNetflix...pure mess...Caucasian shenanigans at their finest!

Dexter found DEAD in a DITCH

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I see Little Women getting dragged for being SO WHITE and I get it, but I promise you don’t wanna see Greta Gerwig do anything with niggas. You don’t.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Whenever I see Kim wearing archive couture, all I can think about is how she fucked the piece up forever by altering it to fit her weird, unnatural, queen ant body and the piece is lost forever.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I saw an abandoned wheelchair on the sidewalk tonight. So either someone had the worst Christmas ever or the greatest Christmas ever.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

You ever get mad when you meet someone that's dumb AND ugly? Pick one and stick to it like the rest of us.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

something basic that i always forget is just HOW much men love explaining things to women. they love it!!!!!

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

I just saw a pic of my kid lighting a menorah placed right next to a giant plate of ham, I mean the biggest plate of ham I’ve ever personally seen

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

“Tengo hambre pero estoy llena” - my mom summarizing Christmas

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

many people are mad at me for observing that because he works Christmas and all of his movements are tracked by the US government, Santa is Muslim

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I hope your day is filled with joy and love. Or liquor and blunts. Whatever you prefer.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Generations of ain’t shit dudes is called a patriarchy

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Your husbands are at Target STRUGGLING

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame and itsme. like this

he tryna get some pussy and you cannot convince me otherwise

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

itsme. and AndSheCame like this

I simply do not understand super rich authors who continue to tweet. what good is money if you can’t use it to escape twitter

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

What if I died in my sleep and that was my final tweet lmaaooo

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Imagine running on the idea that I as an American want to work hard. Like that’s my top priority. Eat shit, old man.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I’m still so bummed Watchmen is over. What do I even have to look forward to this week? Christmas?? Fuck off.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Resistance Twitter is just different variations on “the jerk store called, they’re running out of YOU”

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Getting older comes with a different set of pussy problems. Ovarian cysts, fibroids. I thought all I had to do was eat pineapples!

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

stop posting "this doesn't mean he's removed from office"! that nigga probably don't know that! He might pack up and leave tonight

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

ur pussy making

macaroni noises

for a person with no

cheese

-rupi kaur

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I’m a nightmare to work with the rumors are true but I am only a nightmare to work with if you’re a racist sexist classist piece of shit so yeah my bad dude.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

I feel so close to god after i take a shit at a church. Im all empty inside but my soul is full & relaxed.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

A man who’s only done comedy twice gave me a tag for one my jokes on a napkin the other night so does that mean I’m a woman now?

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Also I realize that posing two questions was a bad choice just answer the first one

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

Oh shit I didn’t realize we were tryna get Mariah to #1 I been bumping the cd like an outta touch old man. My bad.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Sometimes you don’t know why you talk how you talk but other times you know that Blu Cantrell is the reason why every time you pronounce “shopping spree“ it rhymes with Mia.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

when you picture adam sandler fucking you is he doing that voice he always does where it sounds like there’s something wrong with him or no

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Isweartogod likes this

Lady just walked past me in a mall & told her friend “Girl, he smells GOOD!”. Ma’am we were in front of a Sephora & an Eataly. We’re in the best smelling section of the entire damb mall. Your horniness is clouding your judgment. I’m just 6’4” with a beard that connects is all...

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

You either die a hero or live long enough to watch your favorite childhood rappers go unverified on Instagram

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

your great grandma thought a good husband was one who didn't hit her. your grandma thought a good husband was one who didn't leave. your mom thought a good husband was one who didn't cheat. you think a good husband is one who is tall :(

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I’m in an Uber on my way to the airport. I had two hours of sleep. My neck is killing me. I’m resentful towards eleven people. My bag is too heavy. I feel like a house. I feel bad for the person that may bump into me and not say, “I’m sorry”.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

8 hours ago a woman complimented my “athleisure top” and i just now realized this was a terrible insult

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Merry Christmas everybody, im hella thankful that im handsome & over 6 ft. Thank you god. Shout out to ugly short ppl... May god bless your ugly ass.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

straight women dont cheat. a SECOND man wasting my time and complicating my life? it's never happened

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Plan A is no babies.

Plan B is Plan B.

Plan C is an expired Plan B.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Whew, y’all irritating.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

yes i’m in my bed with my skincare done by 7pm watching ‘flavor of love’.....what about it ? it’s called winter, look it up sweetie

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

chrysti likes this

My favorite reply guy is the one who replies “underrated tweet“ to a tweet he never retweeted. Sir, you’re all of the problems at once.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

You think Angela refers to Dr Manhattans genitals as the blue man group.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I keep explaining to Liz that since she’s a lawyer, when we get married that will make me also a lawyer and she said it doesn’t work like that but I’m gonna look into it

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Yall going all "what about the kids" with Lizzo was hilarious tho. I never understood the "what about the kids" angle with a lot of shit bc I feel like a parent's job is to explain shit to their kids

"Daddy what was that on the Jumbotron"

"Son that was an ass"

It's that simple

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

They not gone make flying cars cause y’all tanks stay on E . I can see it now mfs Fallin out the sky talkin bout “ I know my car”

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I hope everybody eligible black man that is able to vote, votes in 2020. Fuck the whole election up.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Steps for reading articles:
1. Accept cookies
2. Block notifications
3. Deny location to website
4. Decline invitation to subscribe
5. Stop auto-playing video ads/mute sound
6. Dismiss reminder of free articles remaining
7. Shrink drop down banner
8. Click "read more"
9. Give up

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame and DominicLomax like this

So I can sit and stare at my phone in the same spot for three hours but say I don't have "time" to date. Someone bring me ten cats and let's end this charade

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Ziya likes this

A UPS employee was shot and killed by the police, UPS thanked the police. That’s all you need to know about Capitalism

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Shouts to all of us who refused to let one genre define us.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

I'm gonna try not to be a huge bitch at Thanksgiving dinner but honestly it's my signature dish and it is best served cold.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

PC culture isnt ruining comedy. Comedians thinking they are hot is ruining comedy

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Sorry but people from wealthy families don’t deserve to hear or do comedy.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

You coming or que

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

This is the happiest day of my life after all these years and after putting in the work damn near EVERY DAY I can proudly announce that everyone finally hates drake as much as I do.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

But anyways he had a great laugh

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame and swatchUSA like this

In other news, I’m attempting to buy a giant pack of giant underwear for giant ladies at Target, and none of them come in black, and idc, that’s fatphobic AND lesbophobic.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Nothing gets women in the mood like grimy 90's rap

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Me at 3pm: hell yeah hours to burn!

Me at 5:02pm: the night has taken me

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Shia LaBeouf said he likes “boring missionary sex” and I am SOPPING WET.

#debrassickdaytweets

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

Remember in grade school when you’d talk abt ur favorite color and the goth kid would say BLACK but then the weird kid would say BLACK ISN’T A COLOR IT’S AN ABSENCE OF COLOR. Well, both of those guys live in Brooklyn now!!!!!!!!

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame and chrysti like this

he’s not “really nice,” you’re just “really hot” !!!!!!!!

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

niggas be like “im okay” but they actually be sleeping in jeans

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame and swatchUSA like this

Wow I fucked the wording up pretty bad so you know this weekend was lit

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

The cops at a station without a card vending machine just offered to let me in the subway through the emergency exit and I was like “Nah, I don’t trust you” and walked to go refill my card. Shit felt like entrapment

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Never would’ve guessed that even at 36 years old I’d see a group of teens and my first thought would be “I hope they don’t make fun of me”

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Geosire and AndSheCame like this

Someone suggested I go to the top of the Salesforce tower tomorrow in San Francisco to check out the view and it’s like the view of what, gentrification?

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

great joke I’m great

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I love the bay cause motherfuckers be crankin Kehlani at 9am. Beautiful.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Like one of his Instagram pics from a year ago just to be reckless

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

If you don’t like me that’s a you problem or I was ur waitress in 2012.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Just saw a dick so huge on Twitter i had to sign out and back in again to make sure I wasn't having a stroke.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

women posting their ugly boyfriends on Instagram like “what would I do without this goof” girl you would thrive that’s what you would do

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

my son got in trouble for writing "Christopher Columbus sucked" on his Columbus assignment & saying he would "push him off his boat" & this teacher threatened him w detention, told him that Columbus discovered North Carolina, & straight erased his paper so guess what i get to do

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

when you get a housefly that is sluggish and old it kinda starts to feel like a pet

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

If 2019 didn’t make it clear enough, people in high positions across industries generally don’t know what they’re doing

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

swatchUSA likes this

Can’t believe the last thing Epstein saw was Jared Fogle putting a Subway bag over his head

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

my skin? a mess. my hair? thinning. my eyes? red. my bank balance? low. my attention span? nonexistent. my sanity? gone. but you know what?...lol jk there's no hope, I hate it here!!

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

DominicLomax likes this

Mock him all you like, but Devin Nunes achieved one the most difficult to earn titles: being the worst thing to come out of Fresno, CA.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Fionacatherine likes this

Chris Pratt and John Krasinski are the absolute worst case scenario for what can happen when a slightly schlubby man gets super in shape

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Me being honest doesn’t make me less gracious or less star worthy.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

I find cold weather humiliating.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Never having children because I just know my kid would say some corny shit like “as a proud child of immigrants”

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

guys no one wants to take your guns away we just want to take your mass shootings away

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

You’d think my autocorrect would’ve learned “badussy” by now

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I’m proud to be Salvadoran-American but there’s always some Latinas that wanna question just how LATINA I am but I’ve come to notice that it’s always a bitch who can’t cook like damn go learn how to make pupusas instead of worrying about my pupussy.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

chrysti likes this

I don’t know who needs to hear this but hay comida en la casa.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this

When I start trying my best it’s over for you hoes.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Wowww just had to unfollow OJ. He’s funny on twitter but give him a google and you will NOT like him anymore

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Dear Hollywood,
I want to play a Detective by the name of Rodriguez on a police procedural that has cool lines like "I didn't turn my back on the barrio. The barrio turned its back on me!"
Sincerely,
Chris Estrada aka your future Detective Rodriguez

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

English is my love language

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

Wow one like you’re all cops

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

My aunt in El Salvador just liked this post on Facebook. I doubt she understands it. But if she does. Wow. Bold.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

I always think about how my sexist dad woulda definitely voted for Hillary. Not because he would’ve wanted to. He just knew being a citizen and a voter was a privilege. Also, he woulda hated Trump so much. That’s My Dad ~ The Accidental Feminist!

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

petegutz2 likes this

Being the fat friend, I learned the hard way how men treat women they’re not attracted to. The way they treat women they’re not attracted to speaks to their character and that is a hill I will die on.

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#twitter, #marcellacomedy

AndSheCame likes this