chipdicks's Posts

roses are expensive. so is my rent. what a shit poem. go vote.

#govote

Sirskitten, roosterbear, MyM, bold, UserOne, Andromenadda, perellano, Authlander, CurrentNobody and Ziya like this

Bring the lube. My boss wants to try analytics.

#office, #alert

JMBis, BoldDelight, TimBuktu, Fionacatherine and CurrentNobody like this

Maybe I don't want to get a life but rather talk to your manager.

#karen

bold, swatchUSA, JodieT and CurrentNobody like this

Remember when Burger King had to slaughter all heathens before he took the throne?

#wordplay

iam_diran, CurrentNobody, MyM, Fionacatherine and Ziya like this

Crows are just chickens that listen to grunge music.

#sad, #darkness

Sirskitten, UserOne, chipdicks, TimBuktu, MyM, swatchUSA, AndSheCame, Fionacatherine, Ziya and CurrentNobody like this

reposted by CurrentNobody and swatchUSA

When I said I wanted the D,
I meant deforestation.

#wordplay

Ziya and CurrentNobody like this

So is Bigfoot's other foot regular or what?

#wordplay, #Bigfeet

mattsicotte, iam_diran, MyM, CurrentNobody and Ziya like this

Herpes was an embarrassment as a Greek god.

#wordplay

swatchUSA, Fionacatherine, CurrentNobody and Ziya like this

Testicles was the most wrinkled Greek god.

#wordplay

Fionacatherine, CurrentNobody and Ziya like this

Took a duck pic in the park today and accidentally shared it on the family group chat. They hate birds, unless fried.

#wordplay

MyM, Fionacatherine, CurrentNobody, Ziya and Floki like this

Can't wait to pee in a public pool again

#Welcome, #Summer

bold, petegutz2, Ziya, perellano, MonoGate, ErikSmit, Campo, damon.lindsay2, BoldDelight, TimBuktu and 5 others like this

reposted by CurrentNobody

Not to brag or anything but I've been a naughty boy.

#welcome

ThemeSubject, damon.lindsay2, BoldDelight, AndSheCame, AyWeiWei, MyM and CurrentNobody like this

I'm no poet but Trump rhymes with cunt.

#potus

eboy, UserOne, Ziya and petegutz2 like this

How about no president this year, just say fuck it and freestyle.

#itsenough, #Twittet, @sliccmic, #RT

ThemeSubject, Fionacatherine, CurrentNobody, juliettebravo and no667 like this

Seems like only hot people like this post.

venegatron, BoldDelight and CurrentNobody like this

Nobody is interested in anal jokes, butt fuck it.

DominicLomax, Adwanker, AndSheCame and CurrentNobody like this

Some cunt stole my stapler.

Homeoffice sucks.

#stayhome

AyWeiWei and CurrentNobody like this

How long before we can start eating people?

#stayhome

BoldDelight, AyWeiWei, MyM, timothy21, CurrentNobody and perellano like this

Eat crayons
Masturbate
Repeat

Day 2

#stayhome

DominicLomax and CurrentNobody like this

I get it toilet paper aisle, sometimes I feel empty too.

#toiletpaper, #crisis, #covid-19

BoldDelight, AndSheCame and CurrentNobody like this

reposted by CurrentNobody

Take a moment to apologize to your brain for your heart's bullshit.

#Feelings, #Deadend, #Mistakes, #Regrets, #knewbetter

JMBis, comanzatara, PennyLame, Campo, davidhzgz, Ziya, eulekauzig, Textli, petegutz2, wortwurster and 5 others like this

reposted by petegutz2 and uglyteen

In honor of Friday the 13th, we're all fucked.

#virus, #covid, #screwed

wortwurster, CurrentNobody, PennyLame and Fionacatherine like this

Before we all die from a pandemic virus would you make love to me, as a treat?

#covid, #flirting

venegatron, BoldDelight and MyM like this

I was toxic before it was trending.

#quarantine

blacknote, comanzatara, PennyLame, perellano, eulekauzig, UserOne, MyM, BoldDelight, Ziya, Sasquatchprime and 2 others like this

reposted by wookie and Sasquatchprime

Who would have thought that cruise ships were disease carrying doom cans?

#quarantine

JMBis, Campo, CurrentNobody, BoldDelight, busylizzie, Ziya, TimBuktu, Fionacatherine, kenwats, MyM and 1 other like this

Till sneeze do us unite

#quarantine

eulekauzig, BoldDelight, swatchUSA, kenwats, MyM and UserOne like this

#quarantine, #nosejob

Fionacatherine, AndSheCame, kenwats and UserOne like this

my madness keeps me warm

BerlinGirl2014, UserOne, timothy21, Fionacatherine, MyM, Ziya and CurrentNobody like this

Sanitize my heart, mommy.

#virus

hayash, sarcaSM, Fionacatherine, kenwats and CurrentNobody like this

* long time ago, in a galaxy far from sex, I listened punk music *

#goodtimes

shankarrkn, CurrentNobody, iam_diran and juliettebravo like this

The facial fur ruled vintage porn

#beard, #cudos

CurrentNobody and BoldDelight like this

reposted by CurrentNobody

Just licked some eggsalad off the candle holder, in case you were wondering why I'm still single.

CurrentNobody, juliettebravo and BoldDelight like this

I stay in bed so I don't set things on fire.

#firecracker

CurrentNobody and locupleto like this

Look, I'm trying to rant here

Stop interrupting me with 'facts ' and 'reason'

Reposted from Fionacatherine

#PLO

AndSheCame and Ziya like this

Her heart was like a crime scene.

#itislike

JMBis and Fionacatherine like this

You can be the whole package and still arrive at the wrong address.

#itislike, #UPS, #nolove

JMBis, RoutineCost, swaggyselena, streetmedic, sunnys, AlienSpunk, mediadeo, BoldDelight, IAmNerdWord, Drakonan and 23 others like this

reposted by Ziya, Boldomatic, iam_diran, Andromenadda and hdmhmd

Catering companies invented flying service because the floor was lava.

#burn

Fionacatherine likes this

Text me when you're drunk, so I know it's real.

#spam

McPollo, Floki, ErikSmit, Campo, bold, busylizzie, TrainerRespond, Isweartogod, Fionacatherine, Convo_Ray and 4 others like this

I can't go to sleep yet, there are things I still need to see on the internet.com

#always, #online

Floki, codytatman, meohmy, MyM, Isweartogod, BoldDelight and coagulatedpi like this

I won't remember your name afterwards

coagulatedpi, sophh, MyM and FrankFilocamo like this

Ever hear a song and feel a memory kick you in the ballsack?

#noromance

Sasquatchprime, Isweartogod, AndSheCame, timothy21 and Fionacatherine like this

She smelled like waffles so I had no other choice but to throw my penis at her face.

If you're not looking to fall in love, then look away while I fold my laundry.

#manly

Andromenadda, JodieT, MyM, timothy21, AndSheCame and Fionacatherine like this

What if instead of knocking doors, Mormon missionaries all just became Uber drivers?

#Seen, #Stolen, #Web

Andromenadda, Fionacatherine, timothy21 and UserOne like this

I don't know why these shootings keep happening, we've tried literally nothing.

#mostannoying, #Twitter, #RT, @Elizasoul80

timothy21, juliettebravo and BoldDelight like this

I can't tell if the glass is half full or half empty. I have poor vision.

#onemore, @RulesOfLife

misterlab, petegutz2, AyWeiWei and Fionacatherine like this

Things to know about me:

1. I hate lists

#lists, #Nope

Andromenadda and Campo like this

I'm going to slip into something a little more comfortable
to fuck with my brains.

#conspiracy

UserOne likes this

Hello and thank you for calling customer service for conspiracy. Press 1 to submit your browser history, for alien abductions, press 2, for government related trust issues press 3, to place a purchase order for our famous frog costume, press 4. Breathe if you never had sex and get a life

#conspiracy

BoldDelight likes this

11

Shoot for the Moon. Stab for the Stars. Poison the Sun. It's time to kill Space.

@Donni

DeanFlumiani, ChrisRota, Fionacatherine and Roel like this

I'm just a boy daydreaming about throat-punching everyone.

#bad, #day

ZeepBella, Fionacatherine, Sasquatchprime, Roel, DeanFlumiani, BoldDelight and Ziya like this

I have something intelligent to say but I can't find my monocle.

twitter.com

#Twitter, #Quote, @TrueTorontoGirl

ZeepBella likes this

I finally understand why my parents were always staring blankly at the wall.

#Adulthood, #Fun

BoldDelight, Ziya, NerdWord and Roel like this

4th of July

Happy and Single -

In Your Face Britain

DeanFlumiani, Fionacatherine, AyWeiWei and Andromenadda like this

If same-sex marriage makes you angry, maybe the 21st century isn't for you.

#pride

DeanFlumiani and bold like this

I've filed for an appointment at the proctologist to get this orange anus cyst removed from the oval office.

#Trump, #Cyst

misterlab, MyM, Ziya and kenwats like this

Honk if shit could be worse.

#honkhonk

EzE2422, misterlab, juliettebravo, MyM and kenwats like this

I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of sex by being a miserable twat.

DeanFlumiani, EzE2422, MyM, kenwats, juliettebravo, petegutz2 and wortwurster like this

Today is gonna be the day that I turn this shitshow of a life around, unless you have a recommendation for a decent netflix series for me to watch. Anyone?

EzE2422, Acataphasja, kenwats, juliettebravo and petegutz2 like this

I think I saw Daenerys dragon selling milkshakes at Park Avenue.

#GoT, #afterlife, #cast

GroundTone, NerdWord and AyWeiWei like this

*having an argument over politics and racecars with an angry potato*

#again

AyWeiWei, GaylrdSprFckr and UserOne like this

Oh look,
POTUS acting stupid.

#again

misterlab, ThemeSubject, NerdWord, GaylrdSprFckr and UserOne like this

Time Magazine haven't called to set up the interview for the cover story.

#again

Small people with umbrellas always catch my eye.

#deep, #stuff, #again

wortwurster, UserOne and AndSheCame like this

I'm the rusting microwave in the forest, waiting for a penguin in flanell uniform to paint my portrait in oil while we reminisce about Jennifer Aniston's nipples and eat pizza.

#simple, #guy

My life is just one, big, wrong hole.

#confession

FancyPants, JodieT, Sasquatchprime, Fionacatherine, ZeepBella and NerdWord like this

Feet are just shitty hands really.

DeanFlumiani, Fionacatherine and MyM like this

Life is Irony. One day you're an upright citizen holding down a job and trying to raise your kids right. Then one day you find yourself in a dank motel room paying a hooker $2 a minute to spank you with a bundle of wet celery because you need to feel something in life. So typical.

Reposted from Sasquatchprime

#veggie, #irony, #PLO

SearchResolve, mehr and AyWeiWei like this

The party continues underground

#funeral

DeanFlumiani, Fionacatherine, AyWeiWei, MyM, eulekauzig and wookie like this

reposted by wookie

I don't need pants to ruin your party.

Sasquatchprime, PueppiRazza and moyoT like this

Feeling cute and horny for random acts of kindness.

#FeelingCute

DeanFlumiani, Sasquatchprime, Fionacatherine, Krusa and RulesOfLife like this

I feel sorry for every wonderful mind trapped in a shitty life.

#NoShit

wortwurster, Kenjamin, misterlab, springfire, Sasquatchprime, ThemeSubject and ZeepBella like this

I hope you get old today.

anyhony, timothy21 and ZeepBella like this

doctor:
where does it hurt?

me: love

iam_diran, Fionacatherine, Sasquatchprime, NerdWord, dannyzee, JodieT, MyM and juliettebravo like this

waste some time on me

#BookTitle

Campo, SceneMind-Cat, Krusa, JodieT, swatchUSA and UserOne like this

Asking strangers to explain true love

#BookTitle

Krusa, JodieT and UserOne like this

I'm thinkin' of maybe going to college and get the PfD
I deserve.

#PfD, #PhD

crafty, JodieT, PennyLame, kenwats and MyM like this

And then climate said to mankind:

"You're a twat. Fuck off."

#climate

bold, timothy21, JodieT, Krusa, Andromenadda, Ziya, Sasquatchprime, SceneMind-Cat and crafty like this

reposted by Sasquatchprime

I don't know about you but I'm getting tired of waiting for the cookies I accepted.

#websites, #angry, #cookies, #statement

Ziya, Fionacatherine, arxvis, phuamaxx, ClosetBoard, JodieT, curvema, Andromenadda, Sasquatchprime, SceneMind-Cat and 2 others like this

Follow your dreams. Not you, though. Your dreams are fucking stupid and so are you.

#NotYou, #You

MovieScript, JodieT, Sasquatchprime, SceneMind-Cat and crafty like this

I've always had a passion for making people feel bad.

#Talent

wortwurster, crafty, phuamaxx, iam_diran, JodieT, ZeepBella, kenwats and MyM like this

in my next life I want to be apple pie

#nothanks

crafty, JodieT, ZeepBella, janem803, Krusa, satan and MyM like this

A camel is just a horse with giant tits on its back.

#nsfw

Hodir, JodieT, Krusa, GrummMell, MyM and crafty like this

Me: oops I did It again.

Her: stop beheading clowns.

#nsfw, #clowns, #scary, #shit

JodieT, Krusa, Campo, GrummMell, Ziya and crafty like this

Happy Monday you poor shits.

#nsfw

2ten8love, bold, crafty, MyM, dannyzee and ZeepBella like this

It's like my daddy used to say,

"I like the other one more."

#issues

GrummMell, dannyzee, ZeepBella, bold, eulekauzig and crafty like this

It's like my daddy used to say,

"Kid, what's your name again?"

#issues

Hodir, GrummMell, dannyzee, Ziya, bold, janem803 and crafty like this

I was wrestling with a raccoon over some food when...

#draft

Krisargent, Isweartogod, GrummMell, petegutz2, busylizzie, Campo, Ziya, janem803, eulekauzig, bold and 1 other like this

It's like daddy always said

"I'm not your real dad"

#issues

GrummMell, Ziya, janem803, dannyzee, crafty, juliettebravo and NerdWord like this

*been there, ruined that

#daylight

GrummMell, MyM, locupleto, Ziya, petegutz2, bold, TextyLilou, bmj, crafty, RulesOfLife and 8 others like this

reposted by jmelri31se, jmelri31se and jmelri31se

Establish dominance by calling your boss "pal". On a related note: I'm looking for a new job.

Fionacatherine, eulekauzig, -Juliane-, GrummMell, shanncy, meohmy, ZeepBella, misterlab, dannyzee, Orkid and 1 other like this

It's like
I just flushed a spaceship.

#spaceship, #toilet

bold, GrummMell, Ziya, Orkid and crafty like this

I'm plotting your death. It's going to be awesome.

iam_diran, ContactSir, dannyzee, ChrisRota, springfire, crafty, janem803, ZeepBella and Campo like this

I get a little sad around the holidays but also on any other occasion.

Reposted from PennyLame

#sad, #LOL, #PLO

GrummMell, petarrrrr, kenwats, crafty and mehr like this

My heart is in flames.
Bring the marshmallows.

Reposted from fart

#yummi, #PLO

comanzatara, VdF, SceneMind-Cat, crafty, Acataphasja, ellybellii, JodieT and ChrisRota like this

Santa is a dragon in a shitty costume

#Xmas, #parade

crafty, ZeepBella, mir-jam, timothy21, Campo and ChrisRota like this

I enjoy my job except for this one thing where someone tells me what to do.

#uncensored

swatchUSA, janem803, misterlab, AyWeiWei, roosterbear, crafty, Luenchen and MyM like this

*open to suggestions

#uncensored

VdF, Krusa, Campo, janem803, Ziya, AyWeiWei, crafty, Luenchen, Fionacatherine and MyM like this

I improved the volume on my phone so I can't hear the other person talking.

#justforoneday

JamieLeeSmith, Hodir, Campo, zemiong, Fionacatherine, crafty, JodieT, timothy21, boldolicious and MyM like this

My gf asked if she could have a bite of my burrito so I'm single again.

#funfact

elidealista, PowerMany, RoutineCost, perellano, Hodir, hey.its.mira, sss63, petegutz2, Ziya, timothy21 and 10 others like this

reposted by loveisagame123

My spirit animal is canned beef.

#funfact

Fionacatherine, DieDansken, blackboxmagic, locupleto, Campo, bold, comanzatara, MyM, Bartjan, crafty and 1 other like this

People at the office always look surprised when I throw bananas at them.

#funfact

Isweartogod, blackboxmagic, comanzatara, timothy21, MyM and crafty like this

Kindness matters, fuckers.

#funfact

hey.its.mira, petegutz2, Campo, NerdWord, Ziya, timothy21, MyM, janem803, Bartjan, springfire and 2 others like this

Romeo and Juliet met on Tinder.

#funfact

Luca.Cheers, Campo, timothy21, MyM, springfire, swatchUSA, Convo_Ray and crafty like this

Started from the bottom, now we're here, still at the bottom but old and tired.

#second, #try

bold, crafty, MyM, ZeepBella and sosoandso like this

[grocery produce aisle]

ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?

CLERK: No, why do you ask?

CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

#organic, #Twitter, #RT, @TheToddWilliams

swatchUSA, MyM, ZeepBella, bold, crafty, ChrisRota, RulesOfLife and AyWeiWei like this

Second chances are exhausting

#sorry, #nothappening

bold, MyM, crafty and ChrisRota like this

I look like a used towel

#Monday, #Look

sss63, ChrisRota, springfire, crafty, timothy21 and ZeepBella like this

I CELEBRATE INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY TODAY AT WORK AND NOW I'M WITH HUMAN RESOURCES AGAIN.

#HR, #coming, #WinterIsComing

perla.hvozdu, iam_diran, eboy, comanzatara, springfire and timothy21 like this

It's hard to over-adult on a monday.

#Monday, #Frankenstein

MyM, timothy21 and ChrisRota like this

Is it spelled Margaret or Margreth?

Anyhow, go fuck yourself.

#WinterIsComing

Campo likes this

If pornhub told me one thing, it's how to spell amateur.

#smoke

dor1316, topbuzz and ZeepBella like this

Oh Monday - the butthole of the week.

#thank, #you, #not, #itchs

TrainBirthday, hey.its.mira, timothy21, springfire, crafty and kenwats like this

Pussy Riot is the best name for anything ever.

Reposted from EssayLandscape

#agreed, #PLO

crafty, iam_diran, timothy21, springfire, KnightofSIAL, ThoughtBoy and bold like this

If you need me, I'll just be over here double frying fries until your diet ends.

crafty, springfire, CityCharacter, Fionacatherine, MyM, ThoughtBoy and Orkid like this

*throwing pancakes at miserable people

#hot, #honey, #faces, @Fionacatherine

crafty, springfire, ZeepBella, juliettebravo, Fionacatherine, CityCharacter, ThoughtBoy, janem803, Authlander and MyM like this

I get it Google ads, my mother thinks she knows me too.

#Google, #targeted, #ads, #Marketing

springfire, thewiseguy75, misterlab, boldolicious, JodieT, comanzatara, crafty, ThoughtBoy, kenwats and MyM like this

I'm kind of a big deal in my neighborhood.

Thank you Mum.

#local

thewiseguy75, JodieT, crafty, ThoughtBoy, kenwats and MyM like this

emotional break dance

crafty, JodieT, jaydarling, Fionacatherine, Campo, iamjagaba, shanncy, comanzatara, swatchUSA, karlokoenig and 4 others like this

reposted by FutureFeel, TrainBirthday and MissInk

I don't need a president.

#vodka, #Trump

crafty and ThoughtBoy like this

True patriots stay at home and masturbate.

#Happy, #4th, #American, #Rifle

crafty, Luca.Cheers, iamjagaba, petegutz2, InfluenceNoise, GreatSmile, CityCharacter and comanzatara like this

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, fish isn't meat.

#Twitter, #rp, @TweetPotato314, #LOL

shanncy, iamjagaba, misterlab, janem803, AnneLo, petegutz2, juliettebravo, beingme and ThoughtBoy like this

Tamagotchishave moules et frites for breakfast.

#Vodka, #Japan, #Belgium, #WC2018, #twonill

AyWeiWei, jmb, crafty and InfluenceNoise like this

Grandpa
is off red meat. Next is alcohol, then heroin.

#grandpa

Campo, crafty, prubton, juneocallagh and ChrisRota like this

I brought a lot of very expensive invisible stuff to the bbq.

#family, #matters

Campo, crafty, prubton, sophh, juneocallagh and ChrisRota like this

You think your kid is always tired or hungry. But what if it's just an angry little asshole?

#conversation, #starter, #bbq, #children

Campo, prubton, misterlab, juneocallagh and ChrisRota like this

I loved you at your drunkest.

#darkest, #hours, #soulwash

Campo, Pesca, prubton, sophh, juneocallagh and ChrisRota like this

*kidnapped by aliens

Hey guys,
whats your wi-fi password?

#inspired, #Twitter

GeneratedName and InfluenceNoise like this

Creating confusion is my form of art.

#artist

crafty, GeneratedName, ChrisRota, tk93, timothy21, comanzatara, prubton, springfire, CityCharacter and jmb like this

Can't argue with naked.

#naked

crafty, timothy21, GreatSmile and GeneratedName like this

Good morning, faithless degenerates I call family.

crafty, prubton, InfluenceNoise and juneocallagh like this

I had a healthy breakfast just so I've enough energy to disappoint the entire world.

crafty, prubton, misterlab, codytatman and juneocallagh like this

Sorry, I think I broke the internet.

#outoforder

prubton, InfluenceNoise, GeneratedName and juneocallagh like this

No thanks,
I prefer women with eyebrows made of hair.

jamesmcq, Orkid, Stig300, Campo, KnightofSIAL, prubton, timothy21, misterlab, 2schaa, jmb and 5 others like this

Eat like nobody's watching.

#eating, #is, #my, #dancing

prubton, timothy21, codytatman, GeneratedName, juneocallagh, Bettydent, kenwats, Andromenadda and InfluenceNoise like this

I named a comet after you.

It's called "fucking piece of shit comet"

#mood, #welcome, #Monday

Languedoc, MyM and Sunshine123 like this

So apparently the girl I dated two years ago did change her netflix password.

#too, #bad, #finally

Moon-D, Pesca, misterlab, InfluenceNoise, prubton, janem803, MyM, Authlander and JodieT like this

Roses are red,
I like beer.

#Easter, #poem

Krisargent, Campo, Stig300, petegutz2, JodieT, MyM, comanzatara, InfluenceNoise, Andromenadda, FrankFilocamo and 6 others like this

reposted by Hannah69

Keep your nudes, send grilled cheese sandwiches instead.

Floki, UserOne, cestjulie, Moon-D, crafty, Space_Shots, MyM, timothy21 and ZeepBella like this

I'm the rotten apple of my family tree.

#applepie, #cancelled

UserOne, siouxz, bold, Kanhaiyakumar, crafty, perellano, MyM, Floki, timothy21, ZeepBella and 1 other like this

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

#memories, #web, #quote, #unknown

varshikar, UserOne, Vandtastic, crafty, Orkid, CityCharacter, juliettebravo, CourtStupid, Luenchen, MyM and 5 others like this

Masturbation doesn't break your heart.

#lifehack, #5words

UserOne, petegutz2, meohmy, Fionacatherine, MyM, eulekauzig, crafty, perellano, Boldomatic, janem803 and 5 others like this

Getting fat sucks
but so do vegetables.

Fionacatherine, Fabriciuz, petegutz2, dor1316, Floki, MakeUrChoices, UserOne, meohmy, FrankFilocamo, crafty and 15 others like this

reposted by hifiaskari110, Boldomatic, Viciouse31, timmer and Foftain

20sqm of happimess

#firsthome

UserOne, crafty, jmb, juneocallagh, emilianovitt, prubton, InfluenceNoise, ZeepBella and swatchUSA like this

I may have a small font
but I can type all night.

Reposted from AyWeiWei

#rrrright, #PLO

crafty, comanzatara, Languedoc, stefun, ForeverActive, prubton, bold, sosoandso, UserOne and ChrisRota like this

I opened the can of thuna in one go, which might be the greatest accomplishment of my adult life.

#rituals

crafty, Languedoc, ForeverActive, prubton, bold and UserOne like this

buy me dessert and I'll make it look like an accident

#offer

bold, ForeverActive, ChrisRota, chipdicks, ajsmom, prubton and crafty like this

A fart, so miraculous, it left stardust, as it passed.

Also, Miranda is lieing unconscious on the floor.

#office, #trick

jmb, crafty, InfluenceNoise, beingme, misterlab, ChrisRota, pztk, shespeaks94, EmpressTygress and ForeverActive like this

Cover my back while I eat.

#coworker

comanzatara, Horse, GreatSmile, InfluenceNoise, beingme, Campo, UserOne, shespeaks94, ForeverActive and JodieT like this

If you're happy and you know it, move to Oregon and never leave your house again.

#public, #service, #announcement

InfluenceNoise, Fionacatherine, ChrisRota and JodieT like this

Deep-fry it.
Okay, that's enough.

Enjoy.

#menu

DBadLeprechaun, wizeoldsoul, GreatSmile, Languedoc, FutureFeel, EmpressTygress, ThoughtBoy, janem803, FrankFilocamo, JodieT and 1 other like this

My boss just yelled at me for watching porn on my phone. This meeting sucks.

comanzatara, DBadLeprechaun, misterlab, MMNK, janem803, InfluenceNoise and wizeoldsoul like this

reposted by DBadLeprechaun

My New Year's resolution reads “buy cheese.”

#2018

DBadLeprechaun, MMNK, ChrisRota, InfluenceNoise, FrankFilocamo and wizeoldsoul like this

reposted by DBadLeprechaun

Anyone up for an exorcism?

@satan

InfluenceNoise likes this

What I don't like about getting up early is getting up and "early".

#namastayinbed

ganymed71, DBadLeprechaun, bold, eulekauzig, Campo, perellano, swatchUSA, Drakonan, heidierdbeer, MyM and 9 others like this

reposted by KnightofSIAL, adamf303 and DBadLeprechaun

A little kid just dropped his perfectly shaped snowball in the bus. I know the feeling buddy. I dropped a full glass of beer on Saturday.

#white

petegutz2, rahzielx, Languedoc, JodieT, prubton, beingme, misterlab, ThoughtBoy, dor1316, ZeepBella and 2 others like this

Do you shower regularly?

#wordsuntold

prubton, petegutz2, janem803, jaybyrd, AyWeiWei, sarcaSM and sosoandso like this

Likes feed me. If I get enough likes on a selfie, I don't have to eat, drink, study or breathe.

#wordsuntold, #irony

prubton, crafty, Orkid, Ziya and MMNK like this

Are you in a coma?

No. Then have a great day.

#horoscope

crafty likes this

reposted by adamf303

"I am speechless."

The things liars say.

crafty, iam_diran, Fionacatherine, JodieT, MyM, meohmy, beingme, FutureFeel, janem803 and prubton like this

The sex was so good,
she almost put her phone down.

#sexytime

comanzatara, hallo123456, crafty, Vandtastic, Ziya, bold, albiin, JodieT, Fionacatherine, MyM and 7 others like this

I have a fuck to give.

Any takers?

#ificould

hallo123456, JodieT, beingme and FutureFeel like this

*looking at a pile of dead leaves

Same.

#autumn

FutureFeel, InfluenceNoise, beingme, arxvis, janem803 and sudeshnarocks like this

My love for you is about six feet deep.

#TMI, #internet, #pope

Ziya, crafty, misterlab, SmilingGecko, lyfe, Luenchen, InfluenceNoise, ZeepBella, kenwats, MyM and 1 other like this

High how are you?

#hi, #high

crafty, LikeMagMH, by_se, no667, dor1316, prubton, InfluenceNoise, sudeshnarocks and JodieT like this

ladiesman217, JodieT, sudeshnarocks, capricorn, Fionacatherine, SourceBlack, shespeaks94, prubton, MyM and crafty like this

If you look at my plate of pasta from an angle, it still tastes like shit.

#Cooking, #Chef, #de, #Fail, #TMI, #Cheese

ladiesman217, JodieT, sudeshnarocks, InfluenceNoise, shespeaks94, prubton, crafty and bold like this

Times change. Time forgets. Time ruined the pasta.

#Fuck, #pudding

JodieT, PueppiRazza, sudeshnarocks, prubton, bold, campino and Fionacatherine like this

I just asked a guy walking around with such a 'healthy green smoothie' how puréed frogs taste like.

#smoothie, #hype

blackboxmagic, ICanDo, janem803, MyM, sarcaSM, prubton and juliettebravo like this

Is it a giant zit or pizza sauce on my forehead?

#make, #a, #bet

misterlab, ICanDo, ZeepBella, KosmicKarma and juneocallagh like this

Breasts in peace

#Hugh, #Hefner, #Playboy, #RIP

SourceBlack, UserOne, Bettydent, ICanDo, bold, prubton, Campo, eulekauzig, misterlab, crafty and 6 others like this

reposted by ermosa

rather than walls, just put up a sign that says "watch for snakes"

#walls

GaChunYau, JodieT, misterlab, FutureFeel, KosmicKarma, boldolicious and Ziya like this

Dear Tomorrow,
I know you'll fuck me hard, I embrace the pain but can I at least have a cigarette afterwards?

brngbckfirefly, dor1316, SourceBlack, KosmicKarma and misterlab like this

think
blah
blah
blah
look
blah
stop
oh
bottle
drink
lalala
repeat

#pattern

Davidmayhem, SourceBlack, KosmicKarma and misterlab like this

Does my phone keep falling on my face because I'm drunk or because I'm drunk. I guess I'm drunk.

#uiiiii, #bang, #again, #ouch

SourceBlack, KosmicKarma and misterlab like this

My current girlfriend doesn't like when I call her that.

#pattern

EzE2422, janem803, KosmicKarma, PennyLame and Sledge like this

I want all my tax dollars to go towards fake tits and war.

#Twitter, #quote, @MrHand_Man

JodieT likes this

My neighbor looks like he's holding in a fart since 1985.

#myneighbor

jmb, ladiesman217, JodieT, misterlab, ladypoetica and kuchekesha like this

What if the tables were turned?

#whatif

chipdicks, KosmicKarma, janem803, Sledge, Authlander, Sunshine123 and juneocallagh like this

Let's take this to a whole new blood alcohol level.

#whatif

KosmicKarma, FutureFeel, Sledge, Sunshine123 and juneocallagh like this

Life has thrown me many things but never lemons.

#anxiety, #and, #stuff

Sledge, curvema, MyM, Authlander, alreich, sudeshnarocks and KosmicKarma like this

My life's script is written with a good sense of humor and a low budget.

jmb, ladiesman217, Fionacatherine, FutureFeel, eboy, curvema, bitchnbabe, MyM, swatchUSA, alreich and 3 others like this

reposted by FutureFeel

I put the art in the fart.

#nutjob, @sarcasm

ladiesman217, TrippyEnigmati, PhillAnt, phuamaxx, misterlab, eboy, PueppiRazza, Orkid, SamNSara and ZeepBella like this

I've seven minutes to get sober, get dressed and make it to work.

#fun

misterlab, Shea, JodieT, Sunshine123, sudeshnarocks and SamNSara like this

If you're going to fuck shit up, fuck it up good.

Take some pride in your work.

ladiesman217, F1To, misterlab, phuamaxx, no667, JodieT, FutureFeel, juneocallagh, ladypoetica, dayle_03 and 3 others like this

Fuck you.

- A poem

#whatever

bold, MyM, sss63, Campo, dayle_03, tonichin, arxvis, misterlab, Shea, phuamaxx and 6 others like this

reposted by tonichin

Garfield hated Mondays.
And this lazy bugger didn't even have a job.

#Mondays

blueslawine, SamNSara, MyM, Sasquatchprime, aproncake, Kara24xo and PennyLame like this

If you need someone to ignore you, I'm your man.

#1stdate

misterlab, phuamaxx, EmpressTygress, sudeshnarocks, FutureFeel, meohmy, SamNSara and Sunshine123 like this

Sorry officer, I only stop for Hammer Time.

#police, #street, #signs

Lieutenant, EscapeNote, dragonmanny, Fionacatherine, kenwats, jaybyrd, misterlab, Shea, meohmy, SamNSara and 2 others like this

reposted by EscapeNote

Don't believe in aliens?
No one ever believed in me and I still exist.

#alien

krubjas, ladiesman217, Lieutenant, atheist, ChrisRota, no667, ElfiEdel, OscarHiggins, idontknow, Ziya and 12 others like this

My sex life is like a 1997 Honda Civic. I had one briefly in 2009. I got it on Craigslist for $250.

#funandgames, #Twitter, @SteveSuckington, #quote, #hilarious

Lieutenant, chocolat, eboy, prubton, meohmy, misterlab, EmpressTygress, BiteSenior, juneocallagh, Shea and 1 other like this

I get it vegan people, I'm hungry and sad too.

#funandgames

Shea, Ziya, misterlab, phuamaxx, Fionacatherine, JodieT, prubton, ChrisRota, Sasquatchprime, swatchUSA and 5 others like this

I don't mean to sound racist, but all fireworks look the same.

#funandgames, #Twitter, #quote, #RT, @rollingintheseat, #4thofJuly

InfluenceNoise, bold, ladiesman217, Lieutenant, misterlab, phuamaxx, JodieT, prubton, maTembe1953, ChrisRota and 5 others like this

Febreze saved my relationship once.

#justsaying

jmb, roosterbear, SourceBlack, petegutz2, Vandtastic, ChrisRota, misterlab, Yakooza, bold, Shea and 4 others like this

reposted by juneocallagh and flolow

Drink like no one's dancing

#aphrodisiac

Campo, ZeepBella, ChrisRota, Orkid, BiteSenior, Lieutenant, petegutz2, tide, karlokoenig, Sunshine123 and 16 others like this

reposted by VTRenegade, redikryeziu and Lieutenant

I love this burrito so much, I'd go couple skate with it.

#aphrodisiac

Shea, misterlab, the_seeker, meohmy, juneocallagh and JodieT like this

You remind me of a no thanks.

TimBuktu, nathii, MarcellaA, hey.its.mira, EmilyHeller, MyM, eulekauzig, OnlineGuy, springfire, ZeepBella and 36 others like this

reposted by sudeshnarocks, Campo, Hannah69, Boldomatic, visorvice1, PhraseTam and scc38

Why do twins keep asking me if I'm drunk?

#double

janem803, Lieutenant, VTRenegade, Stig300, misterlab, sudeshnarocks, ellenicole, phuamaxx, no667 and juneocallagh like this

A fun summer activity is mowing daisies in the park

VTRenegade, Kaz666, MyM, Sasquatchprime and Shea like this

reposted by VTRenegade

Nice perfume.

Is it hotdog water?

#1155

blacknote, perla.hvozdu, janem803, Lieutenant, mehr, Campo, bold, VTRenegade, juneocallagh, prubton and 6 others like this

Was that today?

- Men

#always

blacknote, janem803, VTRenegade, perellano, prubton, kenwats, eulekauzig, MyM and Shea like this

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays, anniversaries and shit.

janem803, Lieutenant, EzE2422, misterlab and gambya like this

"I'm here for the hookers and a good buzz !"

"Kid, this is a library."

*whispers... "I'm here for the hookers, now pass me some booze."

#buzz

VTRenegade, blackboxmagic, bold, juneocallagh, prubton, misterlab and gambya like this

Why don't you replace me with a coloring book?

- My therapist

#buzz

VTRenegade, bold, chocolat, juneocallagh, petegutz2 and prubton like this

reposted by VTRenegade

I'm tired of people assuming I've got a good personality because I'm ugly.

#personality, #people

Lieutenant, VTRenegade, kenwats, perellano, SourceBlack, locupleto, emiledi77, jameshindu, tide, prubton and 19 others like this

reposted by rachelkisses and VTRenegade

*travels back in time

Drops baby Donald Trump. So sad.

#time, #so, #sad

bold, Lieutenant, LifeRain, Shea, JodieT, misterlab, alreich and SourceBlack like this

My CV is just a list of ingredients for a lasagna recipe.

#FBI, #director, #application

emiledi77, Lieutenant, LifeRain, curvema, Shea, JodieT, alreich, ZeepBella, jussayin, swatchUSA and 2 others like this

Sorry I wrecked your body and turned you into a depressive alcoholic.

Happy Mother's Day

#Mothersday, #card, #goodboy

VTRenegade, haysjx, Lieutenant, FrankFilocamo, Fionacatherine, bold, misterlab, JodieT, Shea, daniistrash and 3 others like this

How much macaroni and glue do I need to build a friend?

#asking, #for, #friend, #*vanishes

Lieutenant, CleoBe, dor1316, ZeepBella, Vandtastic, kenwats, MyM, kj55, bold, misterlab and 8 others like this

reposted by flolow

The real question is: Do otters go to heaven?

#google

Lieutenant, juliettebravo, jussayin, Shea and JodieT like this

And all we got is a stupid orange.

#paris, #Trump

Lieutenant, RulesOfLife, swatchUSA, Luenchen, prubton, jussayin, Shea and JodieT like this

If I continue working two jobs I can eventually afford a holiday come 2025.

#2025, #student, #loans

prem.prabodh, Lieutenant, EmpressTygress, siouxz, kj55, locupleto, kenwats, Dwell, Campo, purplechill and 34 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, uglyteen, FrankFilocamo, albertgualbert and PianoThanks

The year is 2025, I'm still stuck in this yoga pose I tied myself into this morning.

#2025

Lieutenant, kj55, tide, mehr, bold, misterlab, Shea, juneocallagh, Authlander, prubton and 3 others like this

The year is 2025.
A dude named after a bargain swiss deodorant has turned subways into mario kart. In the distance a shanty town is burning.

#2025, @dubsteppenwolf

mehr, Shea, Authlander, prubton, albiin, juliettebravo and AyWeiWei like this

The year is 2025, energy is so clean, it' not even available for money hoarding corporations.

#2025

kj55, BonusHistorian, Shea, juneocallagh, prubton, AyWeiWei, meohmy and Authlander like this

I really hope my future wife is studying hard for finals bc this future husband is not.

#2025

Lieutenant, kj55, Shea, prubton, AyWeiWei, FreakyDeaky and Authlander like this

Bow down neighbor

#myneighbor, #doormat

Shea, meohmy, Authlander and juneocallagh like this

It wasn't the dog that pooped in your yard.

#myneighbor

janem803, VTRenegade, Lieutenant, kj55, MaScho, prubton, DerWahrig, phuamaxx, BerlinGirl2014, Shea and 8 others like this

reposted by VTRenegade

Familiarity with the neighbors breeds contempt.

#myneighbor

Lieutenant, jussayin, JodieT, FreakyDeaky, meohmy, FrankFilocamo, StandAffair, juneocallagh, MyM, mehr and 1 other like this

I just called to say I don't love you.

#grateful, #homer

VTRenegade, Lieutenant, kj55, dor1316, Shea, swatchUSA, OrangeBox, guesswho, Fionacatherine, Campo and 13 others like this

reposted by VTRenegade

I get it pudding, I'm unstable too.

#pudding, #stability

kj55, phuamaxx, meohmy, lottadrama, Lieutenant, Fionacatherine, FrankFilocamo, prubton, SceneMind-Cat, juliettebravo and 1 other like this

Let's get dusty together

#hittheroad, #jack, #grow, #travelling

janem803, kj55, phuamaxx, meohmy, FrankFilocamo, prubton, juliettebravo, PennyLame and sudeshnarocks like this

I dress up as a duck, so people in the park would feed me.

#hungry, #always

kj55, JodieT, Dominceliv, FrankFilocamo, Demetrius, dAn, meohmy, prubton, EmpressTygress and PennyLame like this

Fuckpie is served.

#anyone?

prubton, JodieT, Mylonelyworld, kenwats, phuamaxx, no667, meohmy and jussayin like this

If you feel sad, just imagine Kangaroos had tits.

#youarewelcome

haysjx, MyM, Shea, FrankFilocamo, dor1316, Lieutenant, eboy, prubton, JodieT, bold and 5 others like this

reposted by prubton and FrankFilocamo

A fart is a wish your butt makes

#oops

janem803, rakragans, OrangeBox, juneocallagh, Demetrius, prubton, misterlab, JodieT, Mylonelyworld, kenwats and 5 others like this

According to my weather app, I'm going to get drunk tonight.

#Friday, #barcrawl, #TeamThirsty

VTRenegade, Lieutenant, spoiler-alert, OrangeBox, meohmy, dor1316, Fionacatherine, prubton, Shea, misterlab and 7 others like this

I can't decide if I don't give a shit or I don't give a fuck about your WhatsApp group.

#whatsapp

haysjx, Lovis, aana, Shea, OrangeBox, misterlab, phuamaxx, tide, bold, juneocallagh and 2 others like this

I will join your WhatsApp group when Penelope Cruz joins in with some nudes.

#whatsapp

Ziya, BoomBangBoom, Shea, phuamaxx, juneocallagh, meohmy, Campo and PennyLame like this

#superpower, #noshame

Lieutenant, FrankFilocamo, Shea, jussayin, juneocallagh and sudeshnarocks like this

Kiss her to make her shut up.

#mantra, #please, #thanks

janem803, Lovis, misterlab, jussayin, meohmy, 7Carcinogenic7, Shea and idiomatic like this

I miss the way shit used to be.

#life, #fearless, #noworries

McPollo, iamjagaba, Lieutenant, Francisca21, Lovis, Dave, uhemily21, bold, ZarellaMe, Ziya and 32 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, Viciouse31, BizzleMeister, Ghasston, karamojo, sporerocket, FruitFootball and FutureFeel

I wish I had as much confidence as our cat does when he licks his ass in the middle of a room full of people.

#meow

ChrisRota, iamjagaba, erikvisser, haysjx, phuamaxx, jmaex3, jay2jay, Pascale_11, sss63, agirlisagun and 25 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, sortemimo9, danieljdam, alistair95 and Viciouse31

I look like you need a drink

#copycat

Lieutenant, Lovis, jussayin, perellano, Shea, Sunshine123, juneocallagh, emiledi77 and JodieT like this

If you cut off a millenial's head they keep taking selfies for 3 months.

#Twitter, #

perla.hvozdu, Lovis, EasierSaid246, jussayin, ShockGround, Vandtastic, PennyLame, EmpressTygress, emiledi77, Shea and 2 others like this

The call it "breaking news" because they're trying to break us.

#alternativefacts

EasierSaid246, gammabretslay, swatchUSA, JodieT, emiledi77, ZeepBella, misterlab, MyM, Shea, supermom and 1 other like this

*impresses with lack of effort

#skill, #superpower

bold, Campo, Lieutenant, Sunshine123, misterlab, emiledi77, Shea, FrankFilocamo, pika and ZeepBella like this

Everybody has a reason for existence.
I'm here to get bored and disappoint my parents.

#boredom

eutateus, hargishailey, gabimat, swatchUSA, Lovis, Lieutenant, riccageorig, purplechill, Sunshine123, prubton and 10 others like this

Everytime is bedtime if you are tired enough.

#tired

gabimat, Lovis, Lieutenant, BreakHeight, swatchUSA, bold, philipsonn, JodieT, purplechill, Fionacatherine and 13 others like this

Go fuck yourself,

but take the scenic route.

#stepout

blackboxmagic, Ziya, Lovis, Lieutenant, hanueli, SourceBlack, MyM, phuamaxx, desyr, EasierSaid246 and 18 others like this

reposted by Ziya

BREAKING

President Donald Trump appoints Cinderella to pee on him.

#othernews

Lovis, SourceBlack, EasierSaid246, FrankFilocamo, NilavaDas, misterlab, prubton, kenwats, emiledi77, pika and 2 others like this

I'm responsible for my own actions? Ugh, that sounds wrong.

#stepout

blacknote, gabimat, Lovis, Lieutenant, SourceBlack, phuamaxx, bold, FrankFilocamo, purplechill, perellano and 10 others like this

I'm a nice person until I show up.

#reality, #facts

blacknote, Casual.Gianna, gabimat, Lieutenant, perellano, casaper, human, juneocallagh, Mel.Filsinger, purplechill and 16 others like this

reposted by Mel.Filsinger

Is it 2017 yet?

#nap, #passed, #out

Lieutenant, juneocallagh, Dale_T, phuamaxx, MMNK, emiledi77, bold, Sunshine123, ZeepBella, UserOne and 3 others like this

I only wear pants for really special occasions.

#pants, #overrated

EasierSaid246, Lieutenant, inamorta, albiin, phuamaxx, MyM, kenwats, SourceBlack, emiledi77, Sunshine123 and 3 others like this

It's like my Grandpa always used to say to me, "You're an idiot and danger to society".

#family, #wisdom, #goodtimes

gabimat, Lieutenant, juneocallagh, phuamaxx, MyM, misterlab, kenwats, SourceBlack, Kush_Le, dor1316 and 6 others like this

Carbs are better when covered with cheese.

#carbs, #nomnom

EasierSaid246, Lieutenant, purplechill, misterlab, dan0, enderby, emiledi77, Shea, FrankFilocamo, Sunshine123 and 1 other like this

My doctor recommended Omega-3 but I already have a PS4.

#PS4, #soulfood

sera_la_dera, janem803, gabimat, Lieutenant, juliettebravo, misterlab, begrian, sudeshnarocks, emiledi77, Shea and 5 others like this

I butter all six sides of a slice of toast, IDGAF.

#so, #rich

janem803, _noah_, SceneMind-Cat, sudeshnarocks, emiledi77, shivam_soni, Shea, SourceBlack, prubton and FrankFilocamo like this

As I walked into the office, the smell of KungFu was in the air.

#office, #climate, #blood, #fight, #war

Lieutenant, GaylrdSprFckr, bold, Shea, Fionacatherine, emiledi77, mikedot, kenwats, enderby, prubton and 2 others like this

The only person I trust is SpongeBob.

#melancholy

GaylrdSprFckr, juneocallagh, bold, Campo, Shea, Fionacatherine, emiledi77, kenwats, enderby and MyM like this

reposted by Campo

I'd only marry someone if they seemed like they'd be pretty easygoing during our divorce.

Reposted from BridgerWinegar

#PLO

gabimat, GaylrdSprFckr, Lieutenant, purplechill, misterlab, FrankFilocamo, emiledi77, Orkid, kenwats, Kush_Le and 4 others like this

Fool me once. That's easy. Fool me twice. Still easy...

janem803, gabimat, EasierSaid246, Lieutenant, Lovis, purplechill, misterlab, happyheart, prubton, kenwats and 13 others like this

Every smart, sweet little girl is crying herself to sleep right now. Good job everyone.

#USelections, #cantbelieve

blacknote, Lieutenant, purplechill, happyheart, prubton, kenwats, aussi-girl90, ManuTiger, phuamaxx, meohmy and 12 others like this

I ate so much Halloween candy from my little brother that I probably won't poop for a week.

#Halloween, #candy

gabimat, inamorta, Lovis, JodieT, toprak.n, CthulhuFhtagn, misterlab, prubton, Orkid, emiledi77 and 6 others like this

I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for fun.

#wine, #health, #fun

hommage, catmilkempire, Bartjan, zeppelina, desyr, jodib, Lieutenant, Redick, kris, PenSword72 and 12 others like this

reposted by Redick

If I wanted to show feeligs, I'd cut onions.

#tired

wizeoldsoul, eutateus, Floki, UserOne, swatchUSA, jodib, Davidmayhem, SCRP, Lieutenant, bold and 15 others like this

Everything's gonna be okay.
ish.

#election2016

janem803, eutateus, Bartjan, jodib, Lieutenant, ladypoetica, jessrideout98, Vandtastic, KlingerSevteen, phuamaxx and 16 others like this

reposted by ankit951

Is Chlamydia a Pokemon? If it is, I finally caught my first Pokemon.

#Tweet, #by, @FuckabillyRex

eboy, purplechill, aehmpaeh, bold, MyM, sudeshnarocks, ZeepBella, FrankFilocamo, emiledi77 and Shea like this

If Hillary Clinton died of pneumonia and then came back to life as a zombie and then ate my family I would still vote for her over Trump.

#election2016, #Twitter, #RT, @blabdill

satannah, eboy, purplechill, Fionacatherine, misterlab, aehmpaeh, PenSword72, sudeshnarocks, philipsonn, swatchUSA and 3 others like this

The worst thing about Trump,
he obliges you to vote for Hillary.

#election2016

WinterDream, purplechill, Fionacatherine, misterlab, bold, sudeshnarocks, MyM, philipsonn, FrankFilocamo, swatchUSA and 2 others like this

I bought ourselves two tickets for a train that never comes... my bad.

#fail, #relationshit, #intentions

bold, inamorta, FrankFilocamo, JodieT, weekender, Orkid, kenwats, MyM, emiledi77, Fionacatherine and 2 others like this

Just
ping
no
pong

#onesided, #crush, #zoned

SceneMind-Cat, purplechill, dor1316, phuamaxx, Shea, meohmy, JodieT, emiledi77, FrankFilocamo, juneocallagh and 2 others like this

Water is the magic sauce.

#waterforwater

bold, sudeshnarocks, emiledi77, purplechill, kenwats, Blackjackuar, Authlander, Shea, prem.prabodh, SourceBlack and 1 other like this

Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy, hoping to get laid..

#cleaning

janem803, satannah, KlingerSevteen, jstelter, antonni9801, ingenborg, Blackjackuar, eboy, misterlab, sudeshnarocks and 9 others like this

RIP the dinosaurs. Can't believe it's 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts.

#Twitter, @craiguito

hughesgoose2, SourceBlack, eboy, Blackjackuar, prubton, cybersont, phuamaxx, hebdifescht, purplechill, JodieT and 8 others like this

reposted by mit01

Maybe someone should do something about that.

#framed

janem803, klodi, UserOne, Bartjan, Davidmayhem, sudeshnarocks, SourceBlack, FrankFilocamo, hebdifescht, JodieT and 8 others like this

reposted by mit01

Summer is a state of mind

#framed

sudeshnarocks, FrankFilocamo, JodieT, swatchUSA, bold, kenwats, Fionacatherine, ZeepBella, prem.prabodh, purplechill and 4 others like this

BlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlah

#framed

janem803, Blackjackuar, mehr, hebdifescht, bold, FrankFilocamo, Campo, Fionacatherine, JodieT, satan and 10 others like this

Beginner's mistake since 1994.

#and, #counting

Blackjackuar, Lieutenant, purplechill, misterlab, emiledi77, PenSword72, JodieT, Fionacatherine, abe, Shea and 1 other like this

Are any reporters around?
If so, please ask Trump about UFOs.

#Donald, #tinyhands, #Trump, #nobrains, #DarwinIsWrong

MathDesaster, Blackjackuar, purplechill, JodieT, SourceBlack, Shea, lyfe, emiledi77, UserOne and Ziya like this

Dear Monday,

my mummy doesn't like you and she likes everyone.

#monday

Blackjackuar, Orkid, Shea, bold, abe, emiledi77, sss63, JodieT, juneocallagh, Ziya and 1 other like this

Speed Dating

Her: Hi, my name is...
Me: *Cums

#dating, #speed

janem803, Bartjan, WinterDream, Blackjackuar, Ziya, FrankFilocamo, FrankF, JodieT, PenSword72, abe and 6 others like this

excuse my erection

#mothernature

BoldDelight, domenicotonico, janem803, phuamaxx, Luenchen, ChrisRota, Vandtastic, prubton, dor1316, CleoBe and 22 others like this

reposted by jaybyrd, jaybyrd and jaybyrd

Bucket list:

See some dolphins
Swim with the northern lights
Fuck a dog
Own a supermodel
Climb Bear Grylls'
Punch Machu Picchu
Think straight

satannah, Bartjan, Blackjackuar, Lieutenant, bold, abe, emiledi77, SourceBlack, JodieT, MyM and 7 others like this

Her:
Remember everything you do is part of God's plan.
Him
*scratches balls*
Her "Did you just...?"
Him *shrugs*
"God's plan"

#Twitter, @WildeThingy

Bartjan, Lieutenant, abe, emiledi77, SourceBlack, SceneMind-Cat, JodieT, MyM, kenwats, jaybyrd and 4 others like this

Blood donation is a noble act. So why does the Red Cross ask so many questions? Like who's blood is this? How'd you get it in the milk jugs?

#Twitter, @WheelTod

Bartjan, Lieutenant, abe, emiledi77, SourceBlack, JodieT, kenwats, jaybyrd, Jaedi, FrankFilocamo and 5 others like this

If I was a plastic surgeon I'd put a squeaky toy in with every breast implant as a fun surprise.

#mothernature, #twitter, @Izianikapani

janem803, FreakyDeaky, Lieutenant, lyfe, Fionacatherine, abe, emiledi77, SourceBlack, JodieT, MyM and 9 others like this

reposted by MyM, flolow and bar0s

me: clueless about gymnastics
me watchin the olympics: devastating double tuck, she simply cannot afford to make these errors. 12.25 at best

#Twitter, #repost, #Olympics, @misskeencore

emiledi77, abe, Shea and dor1316 like this

Would someone go to the kitchen and bring me some Doritos? I'm busy yelling at world class Olympic athletes to swim faster.

#Olympics, #Twitter, #repost, @simoncholland

purplechill, phuamaxx, emiledi77, Orkid, abe, PenSword72, Shea, prubton, juliettebravo and Luenchen like this

[me swimming at the Olympics]
*dives in*
*immediately gets out and towels off*
The water is too cold

#Twitter, #Olympics, #repost, #from, @Buckyisotope

adamf303, phuamaxx, emiledi77, abe, piglet.aimee, FrankF, FrankFilocamo, Shea, prubton and Luenchen like this

reposted by adamf303

Enough with the selfies today, you really haven't changed much since 8:00 am this morning.

#Twitter, @HelmdawgE

janem803, albiin, curvema, PenSword72, Fionacatherine, abe, kenwats, MyM, soyy, Shea and 7 others like this

What a beautiful day! The sun's shining, the birds are singing and my dog is taking a huge crap on our neighbor's lawn...

#woof, #dog, #people, #neighbors

albiin, bold, abe, misterlab, PenSword72, JodieT, kenwats, emiledi77, Shea, MyM and 2 others like this

*stares at a box of chocolates*

Life isn't anything like this.

#life, #ForrestGump, #reality

Lieutenant, adamf303, Junglipunjaban, juneocallagh, bold, swatchUSA, tweetybird, JodieT, abe, PenSword72 and 10 others like this

reposted by MyM, adamf303 and Lemonjuice17

I'd rather die alone than date someone who sings in the shower in the morning.

#earlybird, #killmenow, #nothanks, #stfu, #coffee

abe, emiledi77, bold, SourceBlack, annairie, FrankF, FrankFilocamo, GaylrdSprFckr, philipsonn, JodieT and 2 others like this

Make fruitcake, not war.
Just kidding, fruitcake also sucks.

#fruitcake, #war

blacknote, Lieutenant, Orkid, sss63, misterlab, BoyNextdoor, abe, kenwats, SourceBlack, prubton and 4 others like this

I haven't made a good decision since 1996.

#fugees, #album, #purchase

Lieutenant, varshikar, Orkid, theobserver, sss63, BoyNextdoor, abe, kenwats, SourceBlack, prubton and 7 others like this

*critiques Olympic gymnasts while drinking at the bar*

#olympics

Orkid, swatchUSA, abe, kenwats, SourceBlack, prubton, radufs, emiledi77 and Shea like this

Women love to take showers in boiling hot water, bc it reminds them of hell, where they come from.

#9gag, #quote

perla.hvozdu, madamem., Kaazaar, Junglipunjaban, _tempiduri_, jasper.svo, AGEDIE, Dave, purplechill, stargater and 17 others like this

reposted by BoyNextdoor and luistemple

If procrastinating were an Olympic sport I'd be going for gold. Somebody else had to get the trophy for me though.

#olympics

Lieutenant, walkabout, Campo, diversiti, Doozie6767, Fionacatherine, curvema, KnightofSIAL, RulesOfLife, naebitnae and 17 others like this

reposted by bellissima

Sorry I'm late, but nobody invited me.

#late

Ziya, JMBis, janem803, Lieutenant, moriheiueshiba, walkabout, aurelieleah, Dave, stargater, abe and 29 others like this

reposted by nilki, lcaste and tearsandbombs

Oh, that was a thumbs-up, I just used the 'wrong' finger.

#dumb, #ass

janem803, adamf303, darage, philipsonn, NabylJoiya, abe, kenwats, rebbiw, prubton, Shea and 5 others like this

reposted by adamf303

I watched the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics...

looking at the fireworks shooting out of the round stadium...

...and I craved donuts.

#olympics

abe, meohmy, emiledi77, Shea, prubton and mylisa1970 like this

If you kindly stopped adding noises to your songs that sound like something is wrong with my car, that would be great.

#emusic, #noises, #disturbing, #car

soyy, Ziya, kenwats, abe, meohmy, emiledi77, purplechill, Shea and ZeepBella like this

I sat on the couch to take a break. That was some years ago.

#olympics, #procrastination, #pro

Lieutenant, bold, misterlab, sophh, kenwats, abe, PenSword72, emiledi77, FrankF, FrankFilocamo and 3 others like this

I'll help you bury a body but don't ever call me when you're moving.

#moving, #friends, #mule, #nothappening

sophh, kenwats, bold_Ajay, abe, purplechill, FrankF, FrankFilocamo, Shea, ZeepBella, bold and 1 other like this

I like to sit on my hands until they go numb so it feels like somebody else is doing my dishes.

eulekauzig, Lieutenant, Babs_77, Fionacatherine, meohmy, MyM, juneocallagh, Bartjan, purplechill, kenwats and 15 others like this

reposted by Tilly89

Like Pokemon Go, but it's just me at a buffet trying to catch 'em all.

#pokemon

FreakyDeaky, hallo123456, philipsonn, stargater, BROWNDREAMS, Ziya, FrankF, FrankFilocamo, Parole, swatchUSA and 15 others like this

reposted by Tanascha, Tilly89 and FreakyDeaky

Definitely too hot to take the Christmas lights down.

#Xmas, #summer

Lieutenant, PenSword72, hallo123456, dor1316, FrankF, FrankFilocamo, Blitzkrieg, KlingerSevteen, Orkid, Fionacatherine and 14 others like this

reposted by Tilly89

I've never had to hunt to survive, but once I crashed a party in my neighbor's back yard looking for Pokémon on my iPhone.

#Twitter, @CulturedRuffian

hallo123456, Vandtastic, Convo_Ray, Jamille, MyM, swatchUSA, albiin, Orkid, FrankF, FrankFilocamo and 12 others like this

reposted by hallo123456

I'm meeting my parents for lunch and criticism.

#stuff, #theusual

BRRS, Roel, BoldDelight, eulekauzig, CurrentNobody, FreakyDeaky, hallo123456, prubton, theobserver, squidproquo and 39 others like this

reposted by tommyy, hallo123456, CurrentNobody and BoldDelight

If I wanted to make everyone happy,
Mom would have named me Summer.

#summeroflove

chocolat, hallo123456, Lieutenant, KlingerSevteen, Orkid, phuamaxx, purplechill, JodieT, misterlab, Ziya and 12 others like this

reposted by nilki

$Yesterday I got so drunk, I responded to my own text.$

#drunk, #texting, #andwelaughed

janem803, eutateus, hallo123456, prubton, Lieutenant, phuamaxx, philipsonn, purplechill, JodieT, sophh and 10 others like this

Be kind
(of an asshole)

eutateus, hallo123456, Lieutenant, Orkid, SourceBlack, milijaaa, phuamaxx, JodieT, misterlab, abe and 7 others like this

reposted by Lieutenant, LeslieKey and hallo123456

maybe if we make two guns kiss republicans will ban guns

#overheard, #thaughts

hallo123456, prubton, JodieT, molls, blackboxmagic, Shea, PenSword72, emiledi77, Junglipunjaban, MyM and 10 others like this

reposted by hallo123456

"Fuck it" tends to be the last thought I have before making a decision.

Reposted from lbmilton

#Oh, #well, #fuckit, #PLO

eutateus, boldoleo, Lieutenant, milijaaa, JodieT, ladypoetica, soyy, molls, blackboxmagic, Shea and 11 others like this

I get it moon, I feel half empty as well.

#moon, #empty

chocolat, hallo123456, Orkid, PenSword72, sophh, meohmy, JodieT, emiledi77, anthonymangham, MeaningQuiet and 11 others like this

reposted by hallo123456

My favorite sexual position is called "Canada".
Me on top and apologizing a lot.

#sexytime

petegutz2, Lieutenant, JodieT, abe, emiledi77, purplechill, PenSword72, Orkid, MeaningQuiet, Dead.Yeti and 5 others like this

I love the smell of gunpowder and idiots outside right now.

#independence

juneocallagh, JodieT, abe, nilki, emiledi77, bold, purplechill, PenSword72, meohmy, prubton and 5 others like this

*pops head out of teepee*

"Are the Europeans gone?"

#independence

Lieutenant, JodieT, abe, Fionacatherine, swatchUSA, emiledi77, PenSword72, meohmy, SceneMind-Cat, sophh and 3 others like this

reposted by swatchUSA

1776: Because fireworks, you know.

#independence

hallo123456, Lieutenant, Orkid, JodieT, abe, swatchUSA, emiledi77, PenSword72, meohmy, Dead.Yeti and 4 others like this

Unless there's a picture of you getting attacked by a pack of baboons, I don't want to see your vacation pictures.

#holiday, #pictures

Lieutenant, JodieT, emiledi77, purplechill, PenSword72, meohmy, whatever., Dead.Yeti, Ziya, piglet.aimee and 1 other like this

reposted by Ziya

It's not that I don't care about fireworks. I don't really care about anything.

#independence

JodieT, emiledi77, meohmy, WriterTale, sophh, Dead.Yeti, Ziya, FrankF, FrankFilocamo, Sunshine123 and 1 other like this

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say "I love you too"?

#Twitter, @Dawn_M_

chocolat, hallo123456, Lieutenant, JodieT, abe, eboy, emiledi77, PenSword72, WriterTale, Dead.Yeti and 1 other like this

reposted by hallo123456

Fuck it, you only live once.. Right?

*Hits send

#that, #message

perellano, janem803, SourceBlack, JodieT, Redick, ChrisRota, Babs_77, albiin, Fionacatherine, Authlander and 14 others like this

reposted by The_Yael

Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.

#Twitter, #RT, @mackswift

janem803, Blackjackuar, JodieT, hmiyazaki, Junglipunjaban, Lieutenant, Mapiya, Dead.Yeti, Raeca, juneocallagh and 19 others like this

reposted by Redick and ToniTJ

My business card is a piece of pizza crust

#sowhat

Orkid, Lieutenant, RulesOfLife, naebitnae, PenSword72, JodieT, Authlander, Shea, m00ze, emiledi77 and 6 others like this

*takes your hand*

*gets down on one knee*

*stares up into your eyes*

Will you share your burrito with me?

#theonequestion

DarkOne, PaulEdgars, SceneMind-Cat, PenSword72, molls, JodieT, kenwats, meohmy, Shea, emiledi77 and 8 others like this

boss: Working hard or hardly working?
me: Hahaha. Classic.
boss:
me: Nice tie.
boss:
me: Just kidding, I'm drunk.

#classic, #office, #move

JodieT, Orkid, eboy, purplechill, emiledi77, radufs, meohmy, sophh, MyM, FrankF and 10 others like this

Why is it called "paperwork" and not "stuff I want to burn"?

#really

JodieT, eboy, Lieutenant, whatever., 5owali, meohmy, flyingwalruses, purplechill, sophh, emiledi77 and 15 others like this

reposted by panzo64 and Tilly89

I hate it when I show up to work and my coworkers are there.

#turnoff

eutateus, Lieutenant, janineyvette, kenwats, abe, sophh, molls, emiledi77, swatchUSA, bold and 10 others like this

When things get awkward in a meeting, I like to pull out a big jar of pickles and pass it around to ease the situation.

#meeting, #hack

janineyvette, Lieutenant, a_dria_na_, snajsig, kenwats, Fionacatherine, abe, molls, emiledi77, bold and 7 others like this

Colleague: Who ate my pudding?

Me: [Licking spoon] Probably Melanie.

#office

Orkid, kenwats, abe, bold, sophh, molls, emiledi77, MyM, Dead.Yeti, Authlander and 5 others like this

When I'm drunk enough I turn into Ozzy Osbourne.

#skills, #booze

charliprada, JodieT, UserOne, Fionacatherine, failogan, Campo, Lieutenant, juneocallagh, bold, emiledi77 and 15 others like this

reposted by bettyb, failogan, FrankFilocamo and FrankF

Me: I don't deserve you.

Pizza delivery guy: This is awkward...

JodieT, Orkid, emiledi77, purplechill, flipflap, justno, PenSword72, Sunshine123, Authlander, anthonymangham and 12 others like this

All my advice involves booze, sex and travels.

#advise, #universal

eutateus, JodieT, Orkid, snajsig, emiledi77, Ziya, misterlab, flipflap, PenSword72, Sunshine123 and 9 others like this

I'm just gonna lay here until someone decides what to do with my life.

#waiting, #for, #direction, #purpose

CurrentNobody, Floki, Orkid, vladtheimpala, UserOne, peanutbutter11, PatientWolf11, janineyvette, Authlander, meohmy and 17 others like this

reposted by peanutbutter11, The_Yael and CurrentNobody

Hi, they call me Stopthat and other times Dontyoudare, can I get your number?

#flirting, #lines, #names

JodieT, Orkid, Lieutenant, Ziya, Authlander, abe, perellano, emiledi77, Shea, forever_young and 5 others like this

I want my coffin lined with raw denim

#gstar, #raw

Orkid, Fionacatherine, DeadPoet, Juli7, Campo, JodieT, Sunshine123, juliettebravo, meohmy, Ziya and 5 others like this

reposted by Campo

white shirt
blue denim
nude night

#gstar, #raw, #repeat

Orkid, Blitzkrieg, niniel, Campo, Sunshine123, bold, tarcanden, misterlab, m00ze, kenwats and 10 others like this

People don't really care who you are until you lick their food.

#didyouknow

Orkid, maqnius, snajsig, A.M., Shea, Fionacatherine, omarjguerra, stuttgart, Blitzkrieg, perellano and 16 others like this

You don't find glory in glory-holes.

#didyouknow

purplechill, FrankF, FrankFilocamo, emiledi77, JodieT, bold, kenwats, swatchUSA, vladtheimpala, Ziya and 1 other like this

Women actually only use 10% of their anger.

#didyouknow

perla.hvozdu, Orkid, purplechill, SceneMind-Cat, emiledi77, JodieT, kenwats, swatchUSA, vladtheimpala, Luenchen and 2 others like this

I can't describe myself in three words because shut the fuck up is four.

#didyouknow, @missekay, #Twitter, #four

purplechill, emiledi77, kenwats, Campo, sophh, cna, meohmy, Authlander, Junglipunjaban and janineyvette like this

reposted by adamf303

If you are lonely when you are alone, you are bad company.

Reposted from Lieutenant

#repost, #bad, #company

janem803, boldoleo, hallo123456, skittleslover, failogan, Superrnova, BerlinGirl2014, piglet.aimee, akoruruth, juliettebravo and 1 other like this

Let's hold butts.

janem803, Shea, deadsoul, FrankF, FrankFilocamo, JodieT, sophh, 2schaa, shubhmk, meohmy and 1 other like this

"Boooring."

- Me as a therapist

#therapy

Orkid, phuamaxx, Fionacatherine, MyM, fabulousME, Authlander, Ziya and PenSword72 like this

Let's play hide & fuck

#drunktexting

janem803, Campo, Floki, FreakyDeaky, Justine_Huang, boldoleo, Orkid, Shea, jeani, clouds_b and 23 others like this

reposted by Norivs and Success_Quotes

I put a heavy magnet in my pants so compasses always point to my center of gravity.

Lieutenant, misterlab, shespeaks94, purplechill, Fionacatherine, sis, kupferrot, JodieT, Authlander, hanueli and 2 others like this

We ran out of condoms so I suggested having sex on the pull-out couch.

#not, #pregnant

UserOne, Shea, dixychick, juneocallagh, Lieutenant, MyM, A.M., misterlab, bold, PenSword72 and 9 others like this

reposted by blurxuan

Why would anyone ever go outside? That's where animals take shits. And my uncle Rick.

#uncle, #Rick, #brick, #web

Orkid, stuttgart, owen_hp, sophh, sis, Lieutenant, PenSword72, wisdommayer, kupferrot, elctrofly and 3 others like this

Today I caught myself smiling for no reason... then I realized I was thinking about pizza.

#nomnom, #food

perellano, sis, milijaaa, danieljdam, SceneMind-Cat, sophh, FrankF, FrankFilocamo, PenSword72, kenwats and 6 others like this

reposted by danieljdam

In dog years, we just made love for seven minutes.

#LikeAPro, #bunnything, #overandout

Shea, sis, molls, bold, binit_gajera, purplechill, meohmy, Lieutenant, dor1316, Authlander and 6 others like this

reposted by Gregs92

*eating a handful of shredded cheese

"Idk why I'm still single"

#nomnom

sis, Campo, Ziya, kenwats, meohmy, flipflap, Authlander, MyM, PenSword72, sophh and 3 others like this

Tell your kids to leave carrots and a bottle of Grey Goose out for the Easter Bunny.

#rabbit, #thing

sis, Lieutenant, lschwend, TheBlackRose, Ziya, Authlander, lafuckingFleur, JodieT, misterlab, flipflap and 10 others like this

It's cute that every night me and my phone recharge side by side.

Reposted from olifrost

#PLO

janem803, TheBlackRose, kikkervisje, philwoodford, emmademoiselle, purplechill, Fionacatherine, Greyed_, shespeaks94, bas132178 and 6 others like this

"She had an ass that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room"

- Gandhi

#webquote

Orkid, sis, binit_gajera, razvanb, darage, 2schaa, meohmy, shespeaks94, bas132178, bassdave and 3 others like this

This bench is dedicated to Rodger Bucklesby who hated this park and everyone in it.

Reposted from Jaedi

#PLO, #funny, #memorial, #please, #like, #original

Orkid, PolhuntP, bassdave, sis, Authlander, JodieT, sophh, cameronnaylor, satan, Campo and 2 others like this

My mum told me "it is what it is" and now I understand time and space.

#Jedi, #Mum, #advice

boldoleo, Orkid, marickas, mea648, Rethoy, sis, Authlander, JodieT, _axe___, Jaedi and 2 others like this

reposted by Jaedi and Dragonh3art

she: you auto-complete me.
he: you auto-correct me.

a copywriting romance.

Reposted from anonymous

#copywriting, #pleaselikeoriginal, #plo

Orkid, Lieutenant, petervanpelt, JodieT, curvema, GoldenHalo, purplechill, flipflap, mea648, majid_muaz and 10 others like this

#Friday, #TGIF

Pauladarling, JodieT, mea648, sarcaSM, z.m, Luenchen, sis, Sunshine123, somachmers73, jaybyrd and 2 others like this

reposted by Pauladarling

Sorry, can't.
My nachos are getting cold.

#Excuses

sophie1, mea648, sis, Authlander, sophh, Luenchen, ZeepBella, Sunshine123, wookie, swatchUSA and 4 others like this

*relationship status:

Eating oreos for dinner, third time in a row.

#relationship, #single

mea648, PartyMafia, 101kali, sis, Sarahbbp, bold, sss63, Authlander, sophh, ZeepBella and 8 others like this

Studies suggest that sitting in a chair all day is bad for your health so I told my boss I want a hammock.

#lovemyjob, #yooture

sirskitten1, FreakyDeaky, UserOne, Shea, tiinann, Babs_77, Dave, lonelywolf, Mouni, aurelieleah and 25 others like this

reposted by JodieT and Damien_

Kanye's ego and Kim's ass, gosh they must be living in a big house...

Lieutenant, PartyMafia, crypticb, Caralie, jessrideout98, meohmy, purplechill, PenSword72, MyM, eyck and 7 others like this

reposted by Caralie

Eating coins in front of a vending machine to show 'em who's really boss.

#vending, #machine, #boss

Shea, Lieutenant, PolhuntP, IronPrincess, Jasko, Jojo1402, omniyaah, meohmy, sarcaSM, PenSword72 and 8 others like this

I want to kiss you as much as I want to kiss Natalie Portman.

#Moviestar

crypticb, Corvarc, MyM, JodieT, jaybyrd and sis like this

It's annoying that my family expects me to wake up every day.

#bed, #person, #sleep

janem803, Lieutenant, bold, meohmy, skyblue99, purplechill, sophh, Luenchen, dor1316, MyM and 4 others like this

I'm more of
a dirty romantic with a hopeless mind.

#bipolar, #switch, #wordplay, #romance, #talk

sirskitten1, LetterTonight, janem803, BiteSenior, Orkid, juneocallagh, PartyMafia, PenSword72, bold, Fionacatherine and 11 others like this

reposted by panzo64

My
circle of friends is a pizza.

#pizza, #truefriends

sophh, z.m, meohmy, JodieT, Luenchen, PennyLame, dAn, ZeepBella, Sunshine123 and lukeZ like this

reposted by MaferWafer

Bacon is my feng shui

#nomnom

Orkid, penguinlover, JodieT, Sunshine123, kenwats, dAn, meohmy and PenSword72 like this

That's enough todaying for today. I'm going back to bed.

#tired, #sleep, #bedtime, #nap, #stfu

Shea, Lieutenant, z.m, MyM, sostler, mizim, kenwats, JodieT, Sunshine123, happyheart and 5 others like this

reposted by adamf303

Never trust someone who tells you to trust them. Seriously. Trust me.

#Trust, #webquote, #www

d_bomb, alfredeneumann, deadsoul, janah, tweetybird, kenwats, sophh, PenSword72, Luenchen, JodieT and 3 others like this

Battery: 7%

Me: Same

#Monday, #cell, #Energylevel

janem803, Lieutenant, janah, danel, JodieT, Sunshine123, aehmpaeh, sis, PenSword72, abe and 6 others like this

Donald Trump is reportedly 2.1% more human than an actual G.I. Joe doll.

#gossip

janah, JodieT, misterlab, PenSword72, dor1316, abe, meohmy, bold, MyM and juneocallagh like this

My Monday routine is looking for exciting new ways to get hit by a car.

#Monday, #KillMeNow

Orkid, Lieutenant, JodieT, Sunshine123, piglet.aimee, sis, PenSword72, abe, Redick, sophh and 2 others like this

reposted by Redick

If you stand close enough, you can feel the sexual tension between me and your burrito.

#LOVE, #nomnom

gordo-the-dog, bold, sophh, misterlab, purplechill, Sunshine123, jessrideout98, PenSword72, dreamworld, creatorbeats and 4 others like this

I'm thankful that most of you seem to live far away because a lot of you look like you smell funny

#winks

sophh, Sunshine123, jessrideout98, PenSword72, abe, 1956, meohmy and JodieT like this

I feel a great disturbance in my pants.

#cupid, #webquote

janem803, failogan, Sunshine123, purplechill, meohmy, tweetybird, hallowelt, sis, juneocallagh, abe and 1 other like this

Close the window! You're letting the WiFi out.

#9gag

destinyandchin, Corvarc, gordo-the-dog, JodieT, purplechill, MyM, misterlab, bold, swatchUSA, erin.desmond and 8 others like this

I don't have a Welcome mat because I'm not a fucking liar.

Reposted from sklared4life

#warm, #welcome

Orkid, Lieutenant, destinyandchin, adamf303, jessrideout98, GraceT, hughesgoose2, Authlander, misterlab, purplechill and 8 others like this

rash decisions cause itchy privates

Reposted from anonymous

#PLO

gordo-the-dog, sophh, Phnom, AkshayShet, swatchUSA, Ms_Ntlebi, alvaroemgomez, kaylababy, MyM and bold like this

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever tried.

#adulthood

detailMachine, MarcellaA, JulieanneS, OnlineGuy, angelia868, Authlander, karlokoenig, projecto, Ziya, eulekauzig and 18 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, Haruto, RopeRisk and johanhnb1978

Adulthood is just piles of bills and trying to convince your exes how amazing your life is.

#adulthood, #webquote

Orkid, Lieutenant, jibvipada, bold, curvema, Qball, zushikamo, phuamaxx, Sunshine123, erin.desmond and 5 others like this

Can't,
busy doing anything else.

#adulthood, #excuse

Shea, Lieutenant, hughesgoose2, jessrideout98, burntchocolate, phuamaxx, skyblue99, JodieT, BerlinGirl2014, Qball and 1 other like this

everyone has their heroes and mine just so happens to be a fridge....

Reposted from kayleemay03

#hero, #contest, #plo

destinyandchin, purplechill, senza, JodieT, ZeepBella, dreamworld, lazzygirl_jems and MyM like this

Son, one day all this will be yours.

*opens drawer full of power cables for pre-historic electronic devices.

#Everyone, #has, #the, #one, #drawer, #never, #used

Lieutenant, allisonrae, Authlander, MyM, destinyandchin, bold, penguin1337, senza, 54comments, PennyLame and 15 others like this

reposted by Keeezy

I GAVE YOU YOUR OWN RINGTONE BITCH.

#pulltheplug, #endofseason2, #again, #relationshit

ellenicole, PenSword72, Corvarc, juneocallagh, Krimi63, UserOne, Luenchen, meohmy, MyM, lazzygirl_jems and 7 others like this

You look disappointed.
Are you my mum?

#disappointment, #family, #affairs

Orkid, destinyandchin, sarcaSM, purplechill, timothy21, Deborah.A, maya_m, Qball, Ms_Ntlebi and bold like this

Merry drunk!
Who's Christmas?

Lieutenant, whatley, timothy21, perellano, jessrideout98, purplechill, Jojo1402, sss63, JodieT, De_liefste and 14 others like this

reposted by SaltyLou

I'm so drunk...

is it Tuesday or Christmas?

#underthetree, #Christmas, #Dinner

timothy21, purplechill, JodieT, phuamaxx, Qball, mylisa1970, Morgan1998, anbach, sophh, Cee96 and 5 others like this

I was so close to sneezing but couldn't.
I get it ladies. I finally get it.

#orgsm, #close

wizeoldsoul, DBadLeprechaun, ladypoetica, Floki, eulekauzig, eutateus, Bartjan, Orkid, Shea, Superrnova and 33 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, Chopsuey, splembede, Maracuya, Konfuzed_Dawn and KnightofSIAL

It's 4p.m. time to open a beer and make love to the couch.

#Sunday, #pleasures

Sunshine123, niemo, blossom, hensch, abe, MyM, Luenchen, bold, Krimi63, MaScho and 13 others like this

reposted by Phnom and blossom

I don't understand
why people get excited about Christmas trees. You can't even smoke them.

#Puff, #MagicDragon, #Xmas, #Family, #time, #Haze

Campo, nola, whatley, timothy21, kontrapoet, QueenBish, JodieT, sophh, MyM, lottadrama and 6 others like this

reposted by mosestatenda

Less is only more where more is no food.

#lessismore, #hungergames, #refugees, #africa, #poverty, #sick, #society

timothy21, jessrideout98, Afaaq46, bold, GaylrdSprFckr, sarcaSM, weekender, JodieT, carolalola and Qball like this

404

Fortune not found

#lessismore

Orkid, Lieutenant, whatley, timothy21, jessrideout98, bold, GaylrdSprFckr, sss63, sarcaSM, weekender and 8 others like this

Put some glitter on your empathy
and let it shine.

#lessismore

chocolat, eutateus, Orkid, MaScho, Phnom, karincita, timothy21, Babs_77, jessrideout98, juneocallagh and 15 others like this

reposted by Shlezi, asoziales, karincita and Phnom

Puta madre.

It's Monday.

Reposted from carolalola

#Monday, #repost, #PLO

JodieT likes this

Why don't you catch a boat to Fuck-offity land?

#idiots, #everywhere

timothy21, bold, phuamaxx, crypticb, JodieT, sophh, Sunshine123, zeppelina, De_liefste, 1956 and 3 others like this

Called the ambulance thinking the guy had a stroke, turns out he just spoke Dutch.

perla.hvozdu, Orkid, Lieutenant, whatley, timothy21, dani83, Redick, crypticb, ference, phuamaxx and 14 others like this

reposted by Redick

She said I don't listen. She said some other stuff too I think...

#listen, #not, #women, #choices, #attention, #span, #limited

janem803, boldoleo, whatley, timothy21, Redick, crypticb, skittleslover, phuamaxx, rebbiw, radufs and 12 others like this

reposted by Redick and Shlezi

OK I kind of get it I think, but HOW married are you?

#borders

janem803, lacerda, whatley, timothy21, hallo123456, skittleslover, phuamaxx, rebbiw, radufs, meohmy and 10 others like this

Before Facebook,
I still didn't give a fuck if you had a Quiche for dinner.

#Facebook, #turds

Lieutenant, timothy21, skittleslover, allisonrae, blackboxmagic, radufs, meohmy, Sunshine123, skyblue99, bold and 8 others like this

This pre-rich phase is a temporary thing, right?

#sotrue, #bank, #account, #red

ladypoetica, PaulEdgars, Lieutenant, danieljdam, mrknm, whatley, timothy21, ference, Sunshine123, Babs_77 and 30 others like this

reposted by Peter92, hallo123456, nereaaaah and ankamay

Study Finds Sex And Alcohol Make You Happier Than Kids And Religion

#sotrue, #9gag

chocolat, eutateus, Orkid, failogan, whatley, timothy21, hallo123456, senza, Cee96, radufs and 10 others like this

My anchor tattoo is so realistic, I can't get out of the bed.

#bed, #sunday, #lazy

janem803, whatley, timothy21, sss63, hallo123456, Nina41602123, MK7, bold, zeppelina, Pesca and 15 others like this

reposted by TomRider

Do you serve pizza in the friendzone?

#asking, #for, #a, #friend, #oh, #wait, #nope

Orkid, whatley, timothy21, hallo123456, WinterDream, Kat.Mercury, nikhilbiniwale, Qball, jonasj, phuamaxx and 5 others like this

reposted by hallo123456

Real women don't chase men.
They set traps.

#trapped

Andromenadda, ChrisRota, madamem., jamesmcq, ladypoetica, Davidmayhem, chocolat, shanncy, Floki, Vandtastic and 61 others like this

reposted by ameer19994, blossom, SunnyGirl_93, Boldomatic, singhnandranie, jraetz, dianetta, cedbuzz, farhadhv, Deborah.A and 9 others

I am one Candy Crush invite away from falling in love with you.

#classicsremix, @adablitzkrieg

timothy21, hallo123456, mng, Blitzkrieg, crypticb, juneocallagh, GaylrdSprFckr, PenSword72, phuamaxx, MyM and 4 others like this

reposted by hallo123456

Hot singles in your area are not that desperate but thanks anyway.

#classicsremix

Lieutenant, whatley, timothy21, hallo123456, crypticb, juneocallagh, GaylrdSprFckr, bold, phuamaxx, meohmy and 12 others like this