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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks,
" some asshole has my pen "...

49

Misery loves company.

My company, apparently

27

one tequila
two tequila
three tequila

floor!

15

The pain in my head
says: "Go to sleep,
you muppet."

The brain in my head
says: "Remember when you used to be really
good at juggling?"

34

I drink I think too much!

26

If the last half an hour
has taught me anything,
it's that I'm too old to
lay on my stomach with
my legs in the air.

27

Trying to fit this year's booty into last year's pants.

19

I speak four dialects of English

Sarcasm, Irony, Hyperbole and bullshit

11

Note to self:

Do not rub your eyes when you have applied Deep Heat to a sore muscle!

Heyelp!

19

Don't Light Yourself On Fire Trying To Brighten Up Someone's Existence

11

There are so many "electrifying" moments we have, but just like everything else there's always "static".

23

I'M
NO
CACTUS
EXPERT
BUT
I
KNOW
A
PRICK
WHEN
I
SEE ONE !!

17

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