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If the phone doesn't ring,
it's me.

43

"What rhymes with orange?"
- "No. It doesn't."

21

"Vitamin C"
is Spanish for "vitamin yes"

19

I once spent an hour trying to dig my car out of the snow, and when I finally got to it, I realized it was my neighbor’s. #AwwHellSnow

10

If
we
couldn't
laugh,
we
would
all
go
insane.

~ Jimmy Buffet

14

"Twitter: A great way to get insulted by a thousand people at once."

13

Trump puts the 'ass'
In compASSion

13

NOW ZEN
NOW ZEN.

5

My name is Alice and
my favorite movie is Harvey.

12

Biting into both KitKat bars at the same time, to avoid leaving one of
them lonely at the end

10

When getting bananas I can't tear them apart. It's like they're family. If I see
a banana alone,
I put it next to a new bunch.

10

You can tell that the girl you are dating is much too young for you, if when you take her out for dinner, you have to do a "Open wide, heeeere comes the airplane" to get her to eat her veg.

10

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