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Lieutenant

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Lieutenant

One therapy session is more expensive than an average bottle of wine.

Just saying.

59

Whenever I dance, people think I'm
looking for my keys.

70

I don't always have time but when I do, I don't.

78

Here, take
my advice.
I'm not using
it anyway.

88

The gym.

As if an architect was asked to design
the otiosity of life.

The result: a room
full of machines
going nowhere.

79

Friends forever.

Dying is not an excuse.

85

Yesterday I glued an image of my missing streetlight on a cat.

49

As of today, I'm about eighteen years behind in my laundry.

46

71

Being unique, just like everyone else.

79

Come on phone, let's
get out of here.

31

Suicide is away of life

91

Some thoughts are so private that you only share them with a therapist or 17.000 people on the Internet.

33

100

83

If animals could speak to us, they
wouldn't.

41

The only thing that remains the same is that nothing will.

59

You don't
make friends with loneliness.

68

My spirit animal
is irrelephant.

45

It's never too late to be late.

67

I think that new Coca-Cola line, i.e. "taste the feeling", could as easily have been a Durex-slogan to promote its flavoured condoms.

81

If you are lonely when you are alone, you are bad company.

57

If you need
some space
for yourself
to be alone,
try Google+

86

I've been thinking
and I came to the conclusion that maybe I should do this more often.

61

Today's therapy session for people with separation anxiety is cancelled due to the fact that last week's session hasn't finished yet.

75

"Mind your step"
is a comment
that belongs on
a minefield.

77

Thank you for the homemade wine.

If going blind
had a flavour,
this would be
it, probably.

23

Add a few dots in
the end to make your sentence appear more meaningful...

72

"Why do you always
have to procrastinate everything?"
- "Can we talk about
that later?"

70

There is nothing worse than your phone charger getting stuck in
the wheels of your office chair and
that afterwards your parents die
in a forest fire.

74

Numbers are weird.
Odd even.

73

Think
less
more

70

The future
is open to
suggestions

66

o
O
B a l l n s

40

Shout-out
to all the people who hate loud noises.

48

We were happy for quite a few years.

Then we met.

48

Alcohol damaged my short-term memory,
my long-time memory, but also my short-term memory.

63

Although some might claim the opposite, my writing skills are quite versatile.

My vocabulary
for instance, is
quite versatile.

64

When the
world zigs,
zag.

55

I value my future since that's probably where I'll be spending the rest of my life.

36

Oceans rarely speak. They just wave.

33

People make me love animals.

43

Freelance?
Who's Lance?

65

My parents-in-law don't have children, so I'm still single.

60

"Is it dark in there?"
- "Don't know, I can't
see a thing."

54

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

63

But is it a superiority complex
if you are?

61

I'd rather swim in a pool filled with armpits for the rest of my life than listen to someone who
exaggerates.

51

If the earth was flat, the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

30

Aren't you that guy they always mix up with that other guy?

57

Shine
and rise.

56

Iceland / Football team

Finnbogason, Bjarnason, Gunnarsson, Sigurðsson, Sævarsson, Árnason,
Sigþórsson, Halldórsson.

I get it. You're all somebody's son.

56

My favourite Facebook notifications
are the ones
telling me
someone's
birthday was
yesterday.

43

And now, for today's nerdy pun:
"If it ain't good, I can try to make it beta."

56

Great minds think.

46

I just feel the need to mention something Nice about France.

53

What's next?
Looking for real things in the
virtual world?

32

A univerisal
remote changes everything.

53

Nothing's better than spending
time with family.

That's why I'm
doing nothing.

23

Wish
thoughtful.

50

Don't confuse the truth with the opinion of the majority.

29

Undress
to impress.

32

Unnecessary repetitions are often useless, redundant and unnecessary.

50

"Can I hold your hand?"
- "I can hold it myself, but thanks anyway."

34

37

No news
isn't good news.

31

Do not make
the same
mistake once.

48

Rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

48

"I have to go to the loo."
- "Alright, see you later then. Toodeloo!"

45

Does it often happen to you that, while you are reading something, you wish you could only get just a teeny bit quicker to the actual point?

47

Life is all about
give and take.

Giving someone
a hard time, for instance. By
taking his or her
lunch money.

35

My resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on my TV.

25

"Daisy who?"
- "Daisy me rollin', they hatin'."

44

Freddy sold things money couldn't buy on Amazon for a reasonable price.

37

If you do it just
for show, sooner
or later it will.

43

What I already like about 2017: that it's
not the year David Bowie died.

23

We'll, we'll, we'll, if it isn't autocorrect

28

"Cheap"also
costs money.

42

You can't
diet on
an empty
stomach.

38

"It's 'handkerchief',
not hankerchief."

"What? I said it. I didn't
type it. We're talking."

"But I heard the typo."

"Your a piece of shit."

"You're*."

34

The thing I look forward to most about being old, is being able to shoplift and just
pretend I'm only confused.

19

"Do you think I'm stupid?"
- "No, you just have some bad luck when thinking."

29

Whenever I'm at the supermarket and I see one of those stacks of "grandma's apple pie", this image pops up in
my head of a sweatshop with all the grannies in
it baking pie like mad.

39

Even nice people have their limits.

20

Every theory comes with ten different realities.

24

Lifestyle.

Because life is what happens so why not do it in style.

22

Marriage
is the main
reason for
divorce.

41

What actually
is the benefit
of the doubt?

40

On the other
hand, most people have
five fingers
too.

20

Judgement Day?

Sorry, can't.

40

SHE: "I'm having an
affair."
HE: [ handing menu
back to waiter ]
"I'll have the
affair as well."

16

Manuel Neuer is a great asset to the team.

He is definitely
a keeper.

38

Rehab is
for quitters.

38

We need to start worrying about what kind of world we are going to leave for Keith Richards.

37

The worst thing about
online dating is seven
year olds pretending
to be an overweight,
fifty-something year
old single from Idaho
who recently got fired
because of some stupid reorganization.

37

Tomorrow
is often
the busiest
day of the week.

29

I wish I was two
dogs so I could play together.

37

Who would like to learn Roman numerals?

I for one.

37

He claims that I'm obsessed with orgies, foursome
reason.

36

"Is this dance music?"
- "No, it's John's."

33

Well I'd certainly put my tongue in your cheeck.

35

"Do you say 'trousers'
or 'pants' more often?"
- "It de-pants."

36

Frankly, I didn't even believe in reincarnation during my past life.

36

"It's okay, the dog just likes to watch
from a distance.

And so does his owner by the way."

25

Funny how Single Awareness Day is somehow always on the same date as Valentine's.

29

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

35

Who needs six words anyway?

17

You: "New glasses? Looks super, man!"

Clark Kent: "..."

34

Freddy wanted presence for his birthday.

34

I couldn't care less, but I would if I could.

31

[ knock ]
Who's...
[ knock ]
Who's...
[ knock knock ]
Who's there?
[ knock knock knock ]
Who...
[ knock knock knock
knock knock ]
Fuck off, Fibonacci!

33

Artists. People who are famous for the fact that they don't care about them.

22

Of course I'm
not stealing.
I'm simply attempting to save money.

33

To all of you alcoholics: stop drinking.

I don't like competition.

32

During a
KKK-meeting
you often hear
nothing but
white noise.

29

[ At fancy restaurant ]

"One food please."

15

As long as there aren't any signs
of time travellers trying to prevent
you from doing it;
do it.

21

When my neighbour told me he was going
to kill whoever stole
the clothes from his washing line, I nearly crapped his pants.

23

Some problems are big enough to take care of themselves.

29

If you want many
people to attend
your funeral, you
better die young.

31

So, I woke up this morning, and there was this whole world; right outside my house!

27

Brexit could be followed by Departugal, Italeave, Czechout, Finish, Grexit, Latervia and Byegium.

Only Remania will stay.

31

Nobody sings Happy Birthday when we are actually born.

19

Draw shocked faces on the oranges in your refrigerator so the fruit looks busted when you open it.

31

31

"Silence
is golden",
he said.

30

Greece.
The most recent Greek tragedy.

30

"Dad, what is a miscarriage?"
- "You."

29

I've got nothing
to lose because
I don't lose.

30

Every sixty seconds a minute passes.

30

"Sorry I broke
your arm."
- "It's fine, I have another one."

30

With the right
sunglasses,
it's easy to
see things in a
different light.

28

"Okay: one brother always lies and the other brother always tells the truth. You can ask one question."
- "Hey, have you seen The Wire?"

29

Do drunk blind people have double vision?

29

I'm on a diet
between all meals
and snacks.

20

It's funny how all the
trust goes away when
you're looking for the remote.

"Are you sitting
on the remote?"
- "No."
"Stand up."

29

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

29

I wouldn't, but I'm sure Elijah Wood.

29

To calculate your Body Mass Index, you simply divide the hours in total you spend on Netflix per day by the distance from your flat to the nearest fast food joint.

29

20

"Oh, a baby girl! Do you have a name already?"
- "Yes, mine is Laura and my husband's is Pete."

29

Who am I
to question
myself?

29

If you can't beat them, disappoint them.

20

"My sandwich was thrown on the railroad."
- "On purpose?"
"No, on the railroad."

26

There is only one way to find out whether success will spoil you

28

There once was a poet who was a bit of a jerk.

Since this poet refused to finish his work.

Which was frustrating because

28

Hey there Emma,
Watson tv tonight?

28

#01 Fun fantasy

If last names are invented now so instead of "Smith", "Baker" and "Cook" we had "Frontenddeveloper" and "Socialmediaconsultant."

20

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now pick your cats up!

28

Cooking with celebrities Step 4. Add Sheeran.

28

"What would you do if you were paralyzed?"
- "Nothing."

28

Can you turn up the volume please?!
My girlfriend is trying to have
a conversation with me!

26

Friends
are terrible
enemies.

27

In the meantime at
the Plastic Surgery Conference

"So, do you recognise
someone you know?"
- "Nope."

26

You haven't lost my attention. Something else just won it.

14

If you ever feel sad, just remember the world is about 4.543 billion years old and that you somehow managed to exist at the same time as David Bowie.

27

There are two rules for having ultimate success in life.

Never tell everything
you know.

27

Outside a dog a book is man's best friend.

Inside a dog it's too dark to read.

27

Don't hate the game but hate
the player who
keeps sending
you Facebook
invites to play
the game.

27

$\__ A P T O P$

26

What if there just were no hypothetical questions?

26

A joke about sodium?
Na...

26

Fight plagiarism.
Write crap.

20

Cooking? As if I got thyme for that.

26

I used to be indecisive.
Now, I'm not
quite so sure anymore.

26

I had a job at a soft
drink factory once.

But I quit after a few
months because it
was soda pressing.

26

First
world problems
first.

26

I wonder if God believes in himself.

20

Forever is composed of nows.

25

It won't take long before this future is outdated.

25

Take your
time quickly

25

Whenever someone told Freddy to break a leg, he did.
And they never asked him to do so again.

25

There is no such thing as
a parallel life so stop tormenting yourself with thoughts of "how things could have been", since things simply are not how they could have been.

16

The future isn't what it used to be.

15

Remember
to forget the unnecessary

13

Efficiency is just clever laziness.

14

You only get the experience right after you need it.

16

"Yesterday I got an anonymous letter."
- "From whom?"

18

"I hereby find you guilty
of murder and sentence you to death by electric chair.
What happens next will shock you."

25

I can Usher you
that everything
will be just fine.

24

I'm a 100% sure it's possible.

14

#18 How to
annoy people

Wear a bicycle
helmet. And don't
take it off. Ever.

15

And if you wanna cry about something, I'll make it something worth crying for.

10

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Please, raise my hands.

24

In my opinion, it's
simply erroneous
that there's just
one company out
there producing
Monopoly (i.e. the
game).

24

Food for thought:
eighty percent of
all people consider themselves to be
above average.

24

I accidentally used
day cream instead
of night cream.

Hope I'll be able to
sleep tonight.

24

Rachel, Weisz your brother looking at me like that?

24

"Up" exists
by the virtue
of "down."

24

People who suffer from Parkinson's disease make excellent cocktail shakers.

24

"Today is your
birthday, right?"
- "No, that was
last year."

23

When you find a problem, you have lost a solution.

9

My mom want
me to eat more
fruit.

Pear pressure.

23

· · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·
· · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·
· · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·
· · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·
· · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·

Spaghetti
( top view )

23

I'm awfully afraid that I might have hypochondriasis.

23

Was it not Richard the Third who said "people aren't just numbers?"

23

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted
time.

18

"What rhymes with orange?"
- "No. It doesn't."

21

"She's born too early."
- "What do you mean? It's almost 4 PM."

23

Ready to
mumble.

23

I couldn't row but luckily Lisa Kudrow.

23

Is your baggage as valuable to others as
it is to you?

22

Of course I don't have a multiple personality disorder and neither do I.

12

Always when I'm at the end of my money, there's a piece
of month left.

22

Half of what I'm saying is meaning less than a third.

22

"Are you on Facebook?"
- "No, on business travel."

22

Future plans expire.

21

"What are the odds?"
- "The ratio of probability of an event's occurring to the probability of its not occurring."

22

There is no success
like failure and failure is no success at all.

22

I'm glad someone invented punctuation comma since it makes left parenthesis when used properly right parenthesis reading much comma much easier in general exclamation mark

22

"I don't know... You don't
tell me much any more."

- "Yeah well, that's not a new thing."

10

I just want to sleep for 2
years and wake up with a degree, an apartment and money in the bank.

18

Roses are red,
that much is true.
But violets are purple and not fucking "blue."

22

Yesterday's tomorrow
is today's today.

18

Am I going to walk
the girl home or will Kyle Walker?

21

Friend: "How are
things?"

Me: "Things are
good!"

Narrator: "...but
things were not
good."

21

I'm not interested, Norris Chuck.

21

In fact, I do always
think before I say
something stupid.

16

Stop making sense.

18

Freddy believed he could fly before R. Kelly did.

20

#02 Fun fantasy

If dogs bring back the
ball because they think you enjoy throwing it.

11

I wish I was more people so I could start a rock band

21

Normal is boring; don't let boring become normal.

13

"Do you know a synonym for 'no', maybe?"
- "Nope."

21

Freddy pointed out cups of tea that weren't his.

19

It will be kinda
funny when our artificial intelligence reaches human level and robots
get too depressed to function.

21

"We want better circumstances for
those who have
difficulty managing
time."
- "Alright, when?"
"..."

21

First never follows

21

The worst thing about
owls is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in
a microwave.

21

#01 Things to ask
on a first date

"If you could be an animal for one single day, what day would
you choose?"

21

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

21

"Spiderman" is a nice nickname for
a web designer.

21

Albert Einstein was exceptionally bright.
Relatively speaking.

21

Achievements are eternal as
the pain is only temporary.

15

Have you ever seen the ocean without an Instagram filter?

It is fucking hideous

21

Anna, come on and
put your Hathaway.

17

Synonym [ sin-uh-nim ]

Another word for
"another word for."

19

"Who's that guy?"
- "Don't know. I believe they call him Wotshisname."

19

I would love to hate you.

20

"My name is Graham but my friends call me very rarely."

15

Roses are grey,
violets are grey.
I'm a dog.

11

Next week another workshop "dealing with carelessness." But whether you're coming or not, is up to you.

20

"Vitamin C"
is Spanish for "vitamin yes"

19

Everyday
I pray that there's no
God.

20

A wonderful childhood
makes it hard to adjust to an awful adulthood.

14

I don't like it when people use arduous words in order to come across as perspicacious.

20

Pokémon Go?
Lick my Ash.

20

O, shoot.
I never joke about guns.

17

Welcome all to this
workshop "handling
passive-aggressive
behaviour." First of
all: how wonderful
that at least SOME of you were able to be on time.

20

Planning on opening a bar for blind people
and calling it:
"The Blind Spot."

20

The difference between "picturing something" and "taking a picture
of something" is inquisitiveness.

14

Since it is basically impossible to know what part of my life is exactly the middle
I decided to have an ongoing, inveterate crisis.

20

"Oscar, do you think
I am a bad mother?"
- "My name is Leon, mom."

20

Sign language
is quite handy.

20

"How do I look?"
- "With your eyes."

17

The news
is real: the president
is fake.

10

"I'm not a tattletale but it was him who did it."

18

I'm not autistic; it's just that there are as many i's in this line as there are a's.

19

Freddy was yellow out of the blue.

19

I'm not talking too fast. You're just listening too slow.

15

Wait till you're dead before you bury your head in the sand.

19

What doesn't kill you,
makes you even more
annoying.

12

"Do you surf?"
- "Only on the internet."

19

Phone sex over walkie talkies

"Bend over."
- "Bend what? Over."

19

A great idea is
only great when
you share it.

19

Good luck and may all
your problems become
someone else's.

19

A problem well-stated is a problem half-solved.

11

||
||
||
||
||
SPIDER I AN
W

19

If there isn't
any difference, make it.

19

Fun prank: teach all the parrots at the pet shop to
say "burry the bodies in
the garden."

10

It's Sunday.
Time to drink until it all makes sense.

19

"Your life flashes before your eyes when you die."

[ dies ]

[ five hour compilation of the moments in between Netflix episodes flashes before eyes ]

19

I was looking for a camouflage coat but never seemed able to find one.

19

Whenever my boyfriend does the shopping, I add nonexistent words to the list, knowing that he will return home completely stressed out not having the things I asked for.

19

What's the name again of that guy who built the Ark
of Noah?

18

Don't forget
to be stupid.

18

When abroad,
James Bond is
also known as
+ 44 07.

19

19

Efficiency is just
a highly developed form of laziness.

19

Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of
evolution.

19

"Are you right
or left handed?"
- "Both."

19

Often I live in my own imaginary world, but that's okay since they know me quite well in here.

11

You are in fact
very useful
because you
are the only one
who can provide
your absence
legally.

19

So you're saying that I'm addicted
to social media?

How Pinteresting.

19

"Do you have experience in a leadership role?"
- "Yes. For instance: I am group admin of this very active WhatsApp group."

13

Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

19

Do you think
it's okay to
answer the
door in your
pyjamas, or
should I just
wear mine?

19

I hear the flat-Earth
movement may be gaining momentum
all around the globe

18

Lost my thesaurus, now I'm speechless.

18

"Tomorrow" is probably the most passable productivity killer of today.

18

None of us are getting out of here alive so please stop
treating yourself like some
after thought. Eat the food. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth. Be silly, be weird, be kind. Simply cause there is no time for anything else.

12

Snakes are terrifying because they can't trip and fall over shit.

No creature should possess such power.

17

Be you.
But cooler.

18

Compared to the alternative, getting old is fantastic.

18

"What you listening to?"
- "The radio."
"Right, but like, is it like
a podcast or?"
- "It's radio station."
"I don't understand. Did you download this?"

18

Wishful drinking.

18

Remember there is
a light at the end of
every tunnel.

Let's just pray
it's not a train.

11

The anchor man of
the evening news
always starts saying "good evening" and
then he proceeds
telling you why it is
in fact not a good
evening.

18

Capitalization
can really change
a sentence.

For instance:

"I love to eat
candy"

"I love to eat capitalization"

18

O well, who cares that I have no idea what an apocalypse is exactly.

I mean, it's not like it's the end of the world.

18

"Don't forget to pick the kids up from school."

- "It's Saturday, they're both upstairs."

"It's Thursday... And we have three kids."

18

I'm watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don't even have teeth. It's just capitalism making them want stuff they don't need.

15

"Newton was 23 years old when he discovered
the Law of Gravity."

What a fucking moron.
I mean they teach you
that in what, 3rd grade right?

18

The truth is that good friend who is always late.

18

Sorry, the original post was deleted by its author.

18

You're underpaid
right until you're overpaid.

18

Valentine's Day.

Hearing nothing
from him all day,
is quite nice. For
a change.

15

The best toy is your imagination.

18

You're probably
right, seen from
your side.

18

"I think I'll call my newborn Patrick."
- "Sorry, that name
is already taken."

18

The fact that some people have given up on the facts, doesn't mean you have to.

18

In real life, the turtle loses.

12

"Have a good day!"
- "Don't you tell me
what to do."

18

david@enborough.com

18

In fact, I can spend a whole
day without even trying.

18

My life has started to live
its own life.

17

AutoCorrect just changed my selfie to a black screen.

17

At this point I'm
hoping the whole "Trump running
for office" turns
out to be one big media stunt he
set up to promote his new book.

8

Are vegetarians allowed to have butterflies in their stomach?

17

I expect
absolutely
nothing
and I'm still
let down.

17

17

If you think
that I'm being overdramatic, just remember that Candy Crush calls itself a saga.

17

INTERVIEWER: "What can you bring to the firm?"

ME: [ Places a tiny cactus on the desk and smiles ]

INTERVIEWER: "I meant like clients."

ME: [ Removes cactus ]

17

13

Using Microsoft Word
/ Part 01

Moving an image 1 mm to the left.

All text shifts; five new pages appear.
In the distance, sirens.

16

Give silence a voice

13

Bad service makes great connections

17

Marriage is basically constantly asking each other “what would you like for dinner tonight?” until one of you dies.

17

I don't like mother nature.

Pray for Italy

17

[ About to leave an Italian restaurant ]

"Pasta la
vista baby!"

14

Do you think clowns take their shoes off to go upstairs or just
walk backwards?

17

"Updating" is when you're dating some one and taking it to
the next level.

17

"Siri could you
pass the salt?"

- "..."

11

"Doctor, I have this
excruciating pain in
my left ear."
- "Alright, take off
you clothes and I'll
have a look."

10

Throwing up after eating too much German food brings out the wurst in me.

17

Three rights make a left.

17

You'll never get a second chance
to make your first impression.

Unless you meet another person.

17

As you are reading this, I'm writing this in the past.

17

Only five more nights until your grandma says something racist or homophobic.

17

17

Tomorrow
is the new yesterday

17

Note to self #01

"Open the door
before entering"

14

Fashion
follows
style.

17

I get what you mean. But I refuse to understand.

17

I think it's absolutely ridiculous that some atheists say "oh my god" too. It confuses
people. I suggest we start saying "oh your god" from now on.

17

Hey
mom,
thanks.

17

* Pulls over to let the pizza
delivery guy pass like it's
an ambulance *

10

Broke all my New Year's resolutions last night.

Guess I'll have
to try again next year.

15

The best way to make
sure no one is sitting
next to you on the bus,
is not to put your bags
on the seat next to you.
No, instead, just smile
and once you've made
eye contact, pat on the
empty spot next to you
overly excited.

16

Reese eats soup Witherspoon.

16

[ At Shakespeare play ]

"Where are our seats?"
- "2B..."
"But, there are people there already."
- "... or not 2B."

16

You'll remember what you want to
forget.

15

You can't
prevent the
future.

16

Life.
Get over it.

16

A weapon is no more than an extension of fear.

11

16

Intelligence is accurately knowing how stupid you actually are.

16

Democracy is so overrated.

9

Eternity:
where does it all end?

16

Love is
not a
choice

16

Tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

16

"I woke up to a Danish model"
is a cooler way
of saying "I fell asleep playing
with Lego."

16

Don't worry about what others might think of you.

Most people aren't giving you a second thought.

16

[ Mind readers conference ]

Speaker: "..."

Audience: "..."

Speaker: "..."

16

"This Lego is the best thing I've ever had in my life."
- "Ok. Don't make a big thing out of it."

16

Freddy wasn't bold. "I'm more the italic type of guy", he claimed.

16

Louis went
Theroux a lot.

16

Why does
everyone have
to have an
own opinion?
Take mine. It's
a better one.

16

What's a Queen without a King?

A Queen.

16

Comme
des
fuckdown

16

Sometimes I open
Uber just to watch
the tiny cars drive
around for a bit.

16

Imagine a horse in zero gravity.

You're welcome

16

This morning I gave a
homeless guy some
money so he could get
a cup of coffee but it's
been a couple of hours
and I haven't seen him since. I wonder what's taking him so long.

16

Life'll
kill you.

16

16

#03 Fun fantasy

If Peter Parker had been bitten by a radioactive
swan instead, and spent the film eating bread and breaking people's arms.

16

The less clothes, the more naked.

16

Find comfort
in the uncomfortable.

15

I like my
men like
I like my
coffee.

With free WiFi.

16

Mister E. and Miss. T make a great couple.

16

When someone says you look familiar, tell them you're in porn.

15

I smile in order to disguise that I have no fucking clue of what is going on.

14

A great idea can fit on a beer mat.

Beer, for example

16

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos, without me even knowing.

16

Someone
doesn't wish
you a happy
birthday on
Facebook.

So neither
do you.

16

I absolutely love democracy!
But only when it goes my way.

16

#01
Harry Potter and
approximately 64,680 pounds of shark fins.

16

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

15

Miranda Kerrs
a lot for the environment.

16

The leaflet says my new medication may cause amnesia. Frankly, I don't really care.

So. Now what. Let's go through the leaflet I got with my new medicine.

15

A word is worth a thousand pictures.

15

Turned back time.
Made more mistakes.

15

No ping
No pong

15

Perhaps a brain transplant could change your mind

15

Perhaps
you are the stranger

15

The most impressive
comeback
I can think
of, was by a boomerang.

12

But, WHY did I get a PhD in philosophy?

15

Note to self: when you show a photo
to the hairdresser, they give you that haircut.

Not the face.

15

"Wow, is that Damien Hirst in person?! For real? Omg, I think I'm having an art attack!"

13

"When is your birthday?"
- "August 2nd."
"What year?"
- "Every year."

15

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