est24601's Posts

I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen.

I can just feel it.

Krisargent and CurrentNobody like this

What's the worst thing to step on in the dark?

Someone else's foot when you live alone.

JMBis, AndSheCame, CurrentNobody and Fionacatherine like this

Has anyone else noticed that the symbol "&" looks like a person dragging their butt across the floor?

JMBis, AndSheCame, CurrentNobody and Fionacatherine like this

Apparently it's rude to poke someone in the forehead and say "Skip intro" when they start talking to you.

Krisargent, Wolfstroy, JMBis, UserOne, prubton, Ziya, Stig300, doglobster, Fionacatherine, petegutz2 and 5 others like this

reposted by CurrentNobody and uglyteen

I always yell "Foods here!" in my empty house so the delivery guy doesn't think the family meal deal is just for me.

CurrentNobody, UserOne, AndSheCame, Fionacatherine and swatchUSA like this

I think it is named Covid 19 because that is the number of pounds we will gain during this quarantine.

JMBis, swatchUSA, Fionacatherine and CurrentNobody like this

When all of this is over, which meeting do I attend first?

Weight Watchers or AA?

Krisargent, Fionacatherine, CurrentNobody and AndSheCame like this

Why did I even buy a 2020 planner?

Fionacatherine, JodieT, shespeaks94, CurrentNobody and AndSheCame like this

People gathered in masses to buy paper for their asses.

CurrentNobody likes this

I use to spin the toilet paper roll like I was on the Wheel of Fortune...now I turn it like I am cracking a safe!

JMBis, shespeaks94, Fionacatherine, DominicLomax, UserOne, AndSheCame, karlokoenig and CurrentNobody like this

reposted by CurrentNobody and MissInk

Before corona virus, I'd cough to cover a fart.

Now I fart to cover a cough.

JMBis, CurrentNobody and Drakonan like this

It feels good to be lost in the right direction.

Krisargent, JMBis, petegutz2, Campo, Fionacatherine, juliettebravo, BoldDelight, heidierdbeer, Drakonan, chipdicks and 8 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, krystal, DMein, 02love14, RealA and jubai0316

Did you know that if you sneeze and fart at the same time your body takes a screenshot?

JMBis, AndSheCame and CurrentNobody like this

I started a support group for men with erectile dysfunction. It wasn't hard, but nobody came.

JMBis, DominicLomax, chipdicks, UserOne, Fionacatherine, AndSheCame, dannyzee and CurrentNobody like this

As you get older your eyesight weakens yet you can see through people much better.

Krisargent, JMBis, DominicLomax, morufokanlomo, petegutz2, JulieanneS, JodieT, UserOne, juliettebravo, projecto and 9 others like this

reposted by CurrentNobody, krystal, monsieur, Boldomatic, MyM, RNhiker and Dettiisback

I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt. I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

Krisargent, JMBis, codytatman, bold, CurrentNobody and eulekauzig like this

Do regular dogs see police dogs & think, "Oh no, it's a cop?"

CurrentNobody likes this

I hope all 2 people I like in the world have a great day today.

Krisargent, Hodir, UserOne, petegutz2 and CurrentNobody like this

I am mad because I haven't had anything to complain about in the last 3 minutes.

petegutz2, CurrentNobody and eulekauzig like this

I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.

Krisargent, DominicLomax, Hodir, CurrentNobody and petegutz2 like this

I am reading a book on helium.

I can't put it down.

Krisargent, petegutz2, eulekauzig and CurrentNobody like this

It takes a second to say "Hello" and forever to say "Good-bye".

Krisargent, petegutz2, JodieT, Ziya, crafty and CurrentNobody like this

I'm so in debt I could start a government.

JMBis, Hodir, petegutz2, eulekauzig, JodieT, siouxz and CurrentNobody like this

Hunting is not a sport.

In a sport, both sides should know they're in the game.

IfAnimal, petegutz2, CurrentNobody, eulekauzig, JodieT and MyM like this

I keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Krisargent, bold, Isweartogod, Sherry89, IfAnimal, harlequina, Fionacatherine, dannyzee, karlokoenig, JodieT and 5 others like this

reposted by KnightofSIAL and karlokoenig

Just a heads up that I'm starting my summer diet which has probably ended by the time you're reading this.

Krisargent, cherniavskaa, dor1316, Hodir, Drakonan, locupleto, NerdWord, MarcellaA, Thoughtfully, EmilyHeller and 17 others like this

reposted by swatchUSA, Boldomatic, swaggyselena, timmer, jmelri31se and CurrentNobody

Nutritional labels should include a "what if I just ate the whole damn thing" section.

IfAnimal, CurrentNobody, UserOne and swatchUSA like this

Does anyone actually have their shit together because I feel like we're all just faking it?

petegutz2 and CurrentNobody like this

I'm in favor of a law that requires all telemarketers to wear shock collars that can be activated by pressing the # key.

JMBis, crafty, Ziya, petegutz2, MyM and CurrentNobody like this

Wait just a minute.

I'm still trying to decide whether I don't give a shit or if I don't give a fuck.

Ziya, petegutz2, MyM and CurrentNobody like this

The fact that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticpated traffic numbers.

Ziya, petegutz2, MyM and CurrentNobody like this

There should be one line at every store for people who have their shit together.

CurrentNobody, MyM, Authlander and petegutz2 like this

I can tell people are judgemental just by looking at them.

Krisargent, UserOne, UsualMan, petegutz2 and CurrentNobody like this

reposted by UsualMan

In the event of a natural disaster, remember to put hot dogs or cheese in your pockets so the search dogs can find you first.

Krisargent, JMBis, MyM and Authlander like this

I'm giving up alcohol for a month!

Sorry, that came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month!

soene, techor, Fionacatherine, streetmedic, crafty and petegutz2 like this

I am running out of people I like.

Krisargent, Authlander, swatchUSA, streetmedic, satan, Campo and CurrentNobody like this

Those sobriety checkpoints are getting ridiculous.

Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.

dannyzee, UserOne, Ziya, hey.its.mira, timothy21, Drakonan, Krusa, Authlander, Fionacatherine, streetmedic and 1 other like this

My biggest fear is a killer saying some funny shit while I'm playing dead.

IfCatch, JMBis, gizmo2705, CurrentNobody, misterlab, dannyzee, RegisterShame, DonSpaccafurnu, FuneralGeneral, erikvisser and 25 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, karlokoenig, krystal, lolitain3lack, rodkelly, jayfizzzzle, dannyzee and CurrentNobody

Bedgasm:

A feeling of euphoria experienced when climbing into a bed at the end of a very long day.

Krisargent, JMBis, streetmedic and MyM like this

In order to win, I have to lose.

Ziya and swatchUSA like this

I finally figured out what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side there is nothing left.

streetmedic and petegutz2 like this

I don't have a short temper. However, I do have a quick and assertive reaction to bullshit.

Krisargent, streetmedic and bold like this

I need to lower the standards I set for myself to match the level of competency of some of the lazy people I work with.

dor1316 likes this

NFL goes to their knees, country goes nuts. Soldiers go without pay...total silence. Give the soldiers the NFL salaries or the damn salaries of Congress members.

crafty, dor1316 and streetmedic like this

reposted by streetmedic

When things go wrong as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems all uphill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, and you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Don't complain to me, I don't give a shit.

dor1316 likes this

I forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it.

Krisargent, dor1316 and janem803 like this

When you write, "I'm, like, really smart", then you ain't no genius!!!

Fionacatherine, JodieT and InfluenceNoise like this

Is diarrhea genetic or does it just run in my jeans?

crafty, sophh, petegutz2 and InfluenceNoise like this

Pets are God's way of apologizing for your relatives.

JMBis, petegutz2, crafty and InfluenceNoise like this

At times, the grass appears greener on the other side because it has been fertilized with bullshit.

JMBis, dijana84, streetmedic, crafty, juneocallagh, petegutz2, ehab_faris and UserOne like this

reposted by ehab_faris, RepeatGarden and dijana84

I started my new job as a reverse stripper. I come out on stage and the men pay me to put my clothes on....quickly.

Krisargent, petegutz2 and UserOne like this

Trump re: Puerto Rico visit/tossing towels - "they had these beautiful soft towels, very good towels..and there was a crowd of a lot of people....they were loving everything."

Those were generic paper towels! A definite necessity of life! No, they did not need food, or drinking water...they needed f#*king soft paper towels thrown at them! Guess Trump thought they could use the towels to mop up all of the water.
And "a lot of people" is the definition of a crowd!!! Guess he had to say that to clarify that it wasn't a crowd of paper towels!!! Damn.

Trump said yesterday, "if I do something wrong, treat me badly..."

Thank you. We will.

Have you ever wondered what your pet has named you?

Krisargent and JodieT like this

The world would be a nicer place if everyone took a chill pill.
It would get even better if some of them choked on it.

streetmedic and janem803 like this

"this is an island in an ocean. It's a big ocean. It's a very big ocean."...Trump referring to Puerto Rico. Really??? Can this fake man not say one intelligent sounding sentence?? He doesn't even know the damn name of the ocean. I bet this big ocean has lots of water, lots and lots of wet water, very wet water in it.

juneocallagh and JodieT like this

Faith healers don't get jobs in hospitals for the same reason psychics don't win the lottery every week.

Krisargent, streetmedic, blackboxmagic and BiteSenior like this

Below is a picture of me having fun at the gym.

Krisargent, streetmedic and Fionacatherine like this

Elvis once said "10 years after I'm gone, nobody's gonna know who Elvis Presley was." Well, there are thousands of nobody's here, trying to find out who Elvis was.

JodieT and janem803 like this

Elect a clown, expect a circus.

petegutz2 and JodieT like this

I have noticed a steady decline in work emails since I started ending each with "I love you."

Krisargent, janem803, meohmy, Fionacatherine, Authlander and petegutz2 like this

The best therapist has fur and four legs.

Fionacatherine, petegutz2 and meohmy like this

Is there a 5 letter word that means "Fake News?"

Campo likes this

I swear like a sailor, but I say "thank you" and "please" like a true lady.

meohmy, petegutz2, dor1316 and swatchUSA like this

Covfefe:
How the president spells "coverage."

How I spell president.."pathetic"

ChrisRota, CleoBe, meohmy, Fionacatherine, juneocallagh, eulekauzig and swatchUSA like this

reposted by swatchUSA

I bet Obama had Trump's microwave spy on him.

I also think Conway has had a few microwave ovens hit her in the head.

meohmy and dor1316 like this

When I was young, I could walk a balance beam and climb just about anything.

Now I have to steady myself before I fart.

thegreenfox and meohmy like this

Hmmm...
What shall I wear today?

Halo, Horns or Helmet?

janem803, meohmy, swatchUSA and UserOne like this

THE IRS

It's all THEIRS.

idiomatic likes this

Making America great again:

"Trump's first month travel expenses cost taxpayers just less than what Obama spent in a year."
thinkprogress.org

(This doesn't include the price for his wife and son.)

meohmy, emiledi77 and JodieT like this

I am easily unimpressed.

Krisargent, janem803, emiledi77, JodieT, Davidmayhem and meohmy like this

Should Donald Trump be President:

A) No
B) A
C) B

emiledi77, JodieT, meohmy and shespeaks94 like this

I am really pleasant to be around unless I am tired, sick, hungry, thirsty, hot, cold, at work, in a meeting, stuck in a crowd, forced to talk to strangers or doing anything that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Krisargent, janem803, emiledi77 and meohmy like this

A room full of animals is heaven.
A room full of people is hell.

meohmy, emiledi77 and dor1316 like this

A couple of glasses of wine a day helps to significantly reduce the risk of giving a shit.

emiledi77, meohmy and dor1316 like this

Be careful when you blindly follow the masses. Sometimes the "m" is silent.

emiledi77 likes this

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.

William Ward

Krisargent, dor1316, emiledi77 and meohmy like this

Time spent with pets is time well spent.

Krisargent likes this

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the Devil says, "Oh shit, she's up."

dor1316 likes this

I am already having Olympic withdrawal symptoms.

JodieT likes this

Remember the good ole days before Facebook? You took a picture of your dinner, got the film developed, then went to all of your friend's houses to show them the picture of your food. No? Me neither. So stop it!

Krisargent, Fionacatherine, PenSword72, JodieT, juneocallagh, campino and swatchUSA like this

reposted by swatchUSA

Stupid people are a test for my anger management skills.

Krisargent, jadeeastman, juneocallagh and ehab_faris like this

Don't cry because it's over.

Smile because it happened.

JodieT and naebitnae like this

It's the words you don't say that will haunt you the most.

Krisargent, dijana84, thegreenfox, sophh, JodieT and naebitnae like this

reposted by emiledi77 and dijana84

There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

Krisargent, PenSword72, JodieT, meohmy and swatchUSA like this

HAKUNA MA'VODKA

It means no memories for the rest of your night

UserOne, sophh, meohmy and aussi-girl90 like this

reposted by emiledi77

My ultimate sexual fantasy is having sex.

hensch, MaScho, JodieT, meohmy, sophh, diane.b, kaylababy and Authlander like this

I don't judge people by the color of their skin. I judge them by their annoying personalities.

Krisargent, JodieT, meohmy and kaylababy like this

I have done so much with so little for so long, that I think I can do anything with nothing at all, in no time flat.

hensch, blossom, Authlander, MaScho, sophh, Sunshine123, dor1316, JodieT, aussi-girl90, meohmy and 2 others like this

reposted by blossom

I like my eyelashes as black as my heart and and as long as the list of people I want to punch in the face.

sarcaSM, sophh, Sunshine123 and JodieT like this

Noses are red, fingers are blue. I'm tired of winter. How about you?

blossom, sophh, JodieT, meohmy, Authlander and aussi-girl90 like this

I don't have attention deficit disorder.
I have this isn't interesting enough to pay attention to disorder.

Krisargent, blossom, JodieT, Sunshine123, burntchocolate, meohmy and UserOne like this

Grace is getting what you don't deserve.
Mercy is not getting what you do deserve.

dor1316, Sunshine123, quotepatrick, meohmy, BerlinGirl2014 and GaylrdSprFckr like this

What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.

Krisargent, Sunshine123, Qball, dor1316, meohmy, LaurieAmy and swatchUSA like this

I've noticed you're a better listener when I'm paying you a compliment.

Krisargent, dor1316, Sunshine123, quotepatrick, sophh and haddock like this

If you stretch the truth, it will always snap back to hurt.

Krisargent, PenSword72, blossom, quotepatrick, Qball, JodieT, burntchocolate, BerlinGirl2014, shespeaks94, haddock and 3 others like this

reposted by blossom

I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open, looking for answers.

dor1316, Davidmayhem, meohmy, shespeaks94 and haddock like this

The proper way to eat cotton candy:

Throw it in the trash.

kjz likes this

Why buy a gift for $8.00 when you can make it yourself with $75 worth of supplies?

dor1316 likes this

Life is sexually transmitted.

dor1316, meohmy and sophh like this

When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.

It is the same when you are stupid.

Krisargent, quotepatrick, Qball, thegreenfox and UserOne like this

Krisargent, Qball and JodieT like this

To-do list:

1. Learn to fly.
2. Fly away.

Krisargent, dor1316, PenSword72, quotepatrick, thegreenfox and sophh like this

: ) :
Bipolar.

Which one is it today?

dor1316 and sophh like this

VRT:
Verbal Release Therapy

Also known as bitching.

#urbandictionary

dor1316 and Qball like this

We're all in the same game, just different levels.
Dealing with the same hell, just different devils.

dor1316, quotepatrick, thegreenfox, meohmy, kris and Davidmayhem like this

The only reason why I still have a home phone is to help me find my cell phone.

Krisargent, quotepatrick, dor1316, thegreenfox, juneocallagh, haddock and Mayuri like this

I think I just invented a new fragrance. I sprayed Febreeze in my bathroom. It smells like shitrus.

siouxz, misterlab, bmj, karlokoenig, dannyzee, dijana84, PenSword72, Fionacatherine, UserOne, roosterbear and 5 others like this

reposted by dor1316, dijana84 and dannyzee

I'm still waiting for the day that I will actually use xy+(20:4)
> x-5y[4+8-3] in real life.

dor1316, quotepatrick, thegreenfox, meohmy, haddock and swatchUSA like this

Sometimes I wonder why I hate everybody.

And then I remember...

It's probably because of everything.

IndieSmythe, UserOne, Ziya, Qball, sophh, haddock, shespeaks94, dor1316 and kris like this

reposted by dor1316

If there's a bar where everbody knows your name, then you're probably an alcoholic.

Qball, haiden_, meohmy, sophh, haddock, shespeaks94, dor1316 and kris like this

Pay 50 grand to lure and corner a majestic animal, shoot it with an arrow, track the wounded lion for 40 hours and kill him with a rifle. Next, take a picture with it (don't forget to smile), skin and behead it so you have something lovely to hang in your office. All of this for the thrill of the kill! Isn't it funny that you must hide now, you lame ass cowardly lion? Were did the thrill go?????
Cecil didn't have a choice....you shouldn't either!
You deserve your turn in the spotlight, you ball less, egotistical piece of garbage! Hope you enjoy it!!!

thegreenfox, meohmy, timothy21, shespeaks94, dor1316, mylisa1970 and sophh like this

reposted by mylisa1970

Being around your child for 3 minutes makes me want to OD on birth control pills.

UserOne and shespeaks94 like this

Get at least eight hours of beauty rest.
Get nine if you're ugly.

Qball, sophh, dor1316 and mylisa1970 like this

Verbal Release Therapy......

Otherwise, known as bitching.

Qball, sophh, Davidmayhem, meohmy, JodieT and annairie like this

Middle finger, thanks for sticking up for me.

quotepatrick, thegreenfox, Qball, annairie and haddock like this

At hotels:
"Let's see if we can get a late checkout."

At motels:
"Let's get the hell out of here."

dor1316, quotepatrick and Qball like this

I showed this trick at a party. I swallowed two pieces of string together and 2 hours later they came out of my ass tied together.

I shit you knot.

prubton, dor1316, quotepatrick, meohmy, sophh and JodieT like this

Half the time I agree with people so they will shut up.

dor1316, thegreenfox and sophh like this

Adjust cap, spit,
adjust cup
= baseball.

dor1316 and shespeaks94 like this

Forecast for today:

Unproductive

Krisargent, dor1316, sophh and shespeaks94 like this

If these walls could talk, I'd probably listen. But I wouldn't tell anybody I got my information from a wall.

Krisargent, dor1316, haddock and shespeaks94 like this

I'm not overweight.

I have Redundant Flesh Syndrome.

quotepatrick and shespeaks94 like this

Neutering your pet makes them less nuts.

janem803, quotepatrick, dor1316, Qball, juneocallagh and meohmy like this

Tonight, I broke up with my gym.

We were just not working out.

Krisargent, quotepatrick, Qball, juneocallagh and DonSpaccafurnu like this

My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home.

Krisargent, quotepatrick, dor1316 and juneocallagh like this

I walk around like everything is fine.

But deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

Krisargent, dor1316, quotepatrick, juneocallagh, meohmy and haddock like this

Things I don't feel like doing today:

Moving

Krisargent, dijana84, dor1316, Qball, meohmy, haddock and swatchUSA like this

I can look at someone and tell when the wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

dor1316, Qball, Davidmayhem and haddock like this

Every morning I wake up at screw this shit o'clock.

dor1316, Qball, StephenKioko, meohmy, JodieT and sophh like this

reposted by StephenKioko

Please be aware that condoms aren't totally safe.

A friend of mine was wearing one and he got hit by a bus.

dor1316, Qball, meohmy and shespeaks94 like this

When Google employees have a question, who do they ask?

dor1316, quotepatrick, Qball, Babs_77, sophh, annairie, thegreenfox, LaurieAmy, meohmy, swatchUSA and 1 other like this

I find a problem to every solution.

dor1316, thegreenfox, bold, sophh and shespeaks94 like this

A day on Jupiter last less than 10 hours....
Just like a Saturday and Sunday on Earth.

thegreenfox, bold, JodieT, sarcasm_only, dor1316 and shespeaks94 like this

Toe:
A device for finding furniture in the dark.

eulekauzig, dannyzee, dor1316, quotepatrick, Qball, sarcasm_only, BerlinGirl2014, sophh, haddock and shespeaks94 like this

reposted by dannyzee

I just read about the dangers of drinking. Guess I will give up reading.

quotepatrick, sarcasm_only, meohmy and shespeaks94 like this

I wonder why no one has invented a riding vacuum cleaner.

Qball, sarcasm_only, StephenKioko, shespeaks94, JodieT and meohmy like this

reposted by StephenKioko

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope.

dor1316, sarcasm_only, shespeaks94, JodieT, sophh and haddock like this

My idea of success is getting the laundry into the dryer before the mildew sets in.

hensch, wendleworld, dor1316, Qball, JodieT, sarcasm_only, meohmy, haddock and sophh like this

I want a man I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time.

Krisargent, dor1316, hensch, wendleworld, JodieT, sarcasm_only and sophh like this

I wish I could use Google to search for things in my house.

dor1316, hensch, Qball, sarcasm_only and haddock like this

I wrote this really slow for those who can't read fast.

Krisargent, dor1316, Qball, sarcasm_only, sophh, shespeaks94 and JodieT like this

Askhole:

A person who constantly asks for your advice, but always does the opposite of what you told them.

dor1316, quotepatrick, Qball, meohmy, sarcasm_only, annairie, sophh and shespeaks94 like this

I just rescued some wine that was trapped in a bottle.

I'm a hero!

dor1316, hensch, wendleworld, meohmy, sarcasm_only, annairie, shespeaks94, mylisa1970 and rudeamplitude like this

My hobbies include eating and complaining that I'm getting fat.

StellaStella, soene, sophh and sarcasm_only like this

Save the Pitbulls!

And euthanize the men and women who train them to fight.

StellaStella, sophh, sarcasm_only and dor1316 like this

Indescribable pain:
A shattered heart from discovering the motionless body of my sweet, beloved pet whose life was taken during the night by a cruel, asymptomatic , no warning signs given, sudden death disease ( HCM ).

....and the difficult task of hiding the tears while at work.

UserOne and sarcasm_only like this

I'm sorry. I'm out of the medicine that makes me like you.

Krisargent, dor1316, hensch, blackboxmagic, Qball, sarcasm_only, UserOne, sophh, shespeaks94, meohmy and 1 other like this

My humor is for my enjoyment.
It is inconsequential if you get it or not.

Dalie, dor1316, PenSword72, Qball, sarcasm_only, UserOne, shespeaks94, meohmy and annairie like this

If it wasn't for my incredible willpower, I would be exercising right now.

Krisargent, wendleworld, dor1316, StellaStella, sarcasm_only, meohmy, sophh, UserOne, shespeaks94, JodieT and 1 other like this

I'll call it a smart
phone the day I yell, "Where the hell are you?" and it replies, "I'm over here."

dor1316, meohmy and sophh like this

The last time I checked, the mortality rate was hovering right at 100%.

dor1316 likes this

I'm updating my bucket list.

I'm changing the B to an F.

dor1316, quotepatrick, wendleworld, meohmy, sophh and burntchocolate like this

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on.

dor1316, meohmy and MidNiteTheory like this

Sometimes it feels like I'm running a race that doesn't have a finish line.

naina_eyez, dor1316 and meohmy like this

Unexpected side effect of Taco Thursday is Wet Fart Friday.

sophh likes this

The only thing I hate more than having a dirty house is cleaning.

Krisargent, wendleworld, sophh, dor1316, meohmy and UserOne like this

The sentence at the bottom is true.

The sentence at the top is false.

Krisargent, dor1316, wendleworld, Qball, Davidmayhem and sophh like this

I never run with scissors.

Those last two words were unnecessary.

wendleworld, dor1316, Qball, meohmy, sophh, Babs_77 and carpentier like this

I'm pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.

dor1316, Qball, meohmy and Davidmayhem like this

I googled, "Who gives a crap?"
My name wasn't in the search results.

dor1316, JodieT, Babs_77, swatchUSA and meohmy like this

Help raise awareness:

Please repost this if you know someone or have been affected by someone who needs a hard smack upside the head.

LaurieAmy, Babs_77 and swatchUSA like this

The more you talk, the more I'm convinced that pushing you down a flight of stairs would solve a lot of problems.

Davidmayhem, Babs_77, sophh, meohmy, makalapua and dor1316 like this

I just found out what Victoria's Secret is..... she hates fat girls.

janem803, DonSpaccafurnu, Babs_77, sophh and makalapua like this

You're about as stable as a mobile home in a tornado.

PenSword72, Babs_77, swatchUSA, meohmy, makalapua, dor1316 and Qball like this

If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot.

Krisargent, wendleworld, Babs_77, sophh, swatchUSA, meohmy, makalapua, dor1316 and Qball like this

Pollen:
The snow of the south.

Babs_77 and swatchUSA like this

I'm sure whatever you have to say can wait until you're smarter.

Krisargent, JodieT, Babs_77, dor1316 and Qball like this

I just hate when cashiers say "Will that be it for you?"

I want to say "Uh no, I'd like all of this invisible shit too."

Queenie and meohmy like this

I had sex last night. It was so good too, all hot and greasy. I smiled and moaned alot. It smelled great - like garlic and extra cheese.

Wait....
Pizza.
I had pizza.

dor1316, meohmy and sophh like this

Do you think the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "If you build it, they will come?"

dor1316 and meohmy like this

I did a push-up today. Actually I fell down and had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough.

Now I need chocolate.

dor1316, wendleworld, sophh, shespeaks94 and blackboxmagic like this

I see you're playing stupid again.

Looks like you're winning too.

dor1316, wendleworld, Davidmayhem and shespeaks94 like this

Sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger in a parking lot and say "You're it!!" and then run away.

dor1316, wendleworld, shespeaks94 and blackboxmagic like this

I have never faked a sarcasm in my life.

wendleworld, shespeaks94 and blackboxmagic like this

I think I'm allergic to chocolate. My thighs and ass are showing definite signs of swelling.

sophh, shespeaks94, blackboxmagic and dor1316 like this

Men and women have a different way of cleaning a toilet. Women use bleach and a toilet brush. Men just pee on the poop stain as hard as they can.

meohmy, blackboxmagic, sophh and shespeaks94 like this

I'm not OCD, but you can count on me to turn your toilet paper in the correct position.

meohmy, blackboxmagic, sophh, Qball, JodieT and shespeaks94 like this

Airports have seen more sincere kisses than wedding halls.

Hospital walls have heard more prayers than church walls.

dor1316, blackboxmagic, swatchUSA, carpentier, shespeaks94 and meohmy like this

I don't get a sore throat often, but when I do, I swallow every five seconds to see if it still hurts.

dor1316, blackboxmagic, sophh, Qball, swatchUSA, JodieT, shespeaks94 and meohmy like this

I'm getting real sick and tired of food having calories!

Qball, dor1316 and shespeaks94 like this

Aiding daily those who are bleeding, biting, crying, writhing, bitching, stinking, vomiting, yelling, coughing, shitting, whining, hallucinating, moaning, dying, squirming, scratching, complaining, convulsing, fighting, screaming, demanding, cussing, throwing objects, detoxing.......
and this just covers the surface.

And I'm still proud to be a nurse!

Krisargent, dor1316, sophh, JodieT and meohmy like this

Treat your nurse well. I can walk as slow or as fast as I choose to retrieve that pain medication you requested.

sophh, Qball, JodieT and dor1316 like this

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

blackboxmagic, meohmy and dor1316 like this

I don't need to have jury duty to judge my peers.

Qball and dor1316 like this

Talking to you is like having to slap an old TV a few times to get the picture.

soene, blackboxmagic, sophh, Qball, JodieT, meohmy and dor1316 like this

While laying in bed with my husband last night, he asked me what I'd most like to do to his body.

"Identify it" apparently wasn't the right answer.

dor1316, wendleworld, meohmy, sophh, BerlinGirl2014, JodieT and shespeaks94 like this

Technically, I'm very mature.
But I still have to chant "Lefty loosey, Righty tighty" when trying to figure out which way to turn things.

dor1316, StellaStella, sophh and shespeaks94 like this

Why can theme parks snap a clear picture of one on a rollercoaster at 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still?

dor1316, StellaStella, sophh, bold and swatchUSA like this

My idea of achieving perfect balance is taking an Ativan with my morning cappuccino.

dor1316 likes this

I wish weight were like virginity.
Once you lost it, you could never get it back.

dor1316, sophh, bold and swatchUSA like this

I wish common sense would make a comeback.

StellaStella and swatchUSA like this

What are bats blind
as?

dor1316 likes this

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it's working.

wendleworld, BerlinGirl2014, MyM, dor1316, bold, meohmy, sophh and DonSpaccafurnu like this

reposted by jdbooij

Of course size matters.....

Nobody wants a small cup of coffee.

Krisargent, atheist, petarrrrr, perellano, MaScho, Vandtastic, emiledi77, Mapiya, ehab_faris, curvema and 39 others like this

reposted by makalapua, Boldomatic, ebonny, juneocallagh, Perky1297, shelbyzoecoley, aghahassan, timmer, Stephanie_g215, llamabat and 11 others

Thank you for showing me an example of exactly who I don't want to be.

haiden_, meohmy and shespeaks94 like this

I like cooking my family and pets.

Use commas.

Don't be a psycho.

damon.lindsay2, reg1907, eulekauzig, Ziya, Fionacatherine, dor1316, juneocallagh, hensch, wendleworld, PenSword72 and 27 others like this

reposted by makalapua

I've decided to add "extensive experience dealing with stupid people" to my resume.
That has to be a marketable skill.

dor1316, meohmy and sophh like this

If I cut you off, chances are you handed me the scissors.

Krisargent, meohmy and Qball like this

When I see a small piece of paper on the floor, I don't waste one second picking it up. Instead, I run over it 100 times with the vacuum cleaner at different angles.

Krisargent, wendleworld, sophh, Qball and swatchUSA like this

Wine: Making men tolerable since 4000 BC.

wendleworld likes this

Men are like pantyhose.

They either run, cling or don't fit right in the crotch.

bold and sophh like this

I was normal 3 cats ago.

dor1316, sophh and Qball like this

Wouldn't it be nice if the world was flat?

That way, we could simply push off all the people we don't like.

dor1316, haiden_, meohmy, sophh, Qball and shespeaks94 like this

I can't wait to hide all the Easter candy for the kids inside my stomach.

JMBis, Sherry89, izabelle, OnlineGuy, JulieanneS, EmilyHeller, Ziya, swatchUSA, Authlander, Krisargent and 21 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, Armyhu, flolow, truthseeker57, so_lets_quote_, Lebewesen_, hefner91, klara.f, Alicar4, Little_Cutie and 2 others

One of my fitness goals is to be able to lift an adult male, approximately the size of my boyfriend, into the trunk of my car without any help.

dor1316, Qball, sophh and shespeaks94 like this

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
point me to the nearest bar.

Qball and shespeaks94 like this

I encourage my pet's debilitating separation anxiety in order to boost my self- esteem.

Qball, sophh and shespeaks94 like this

I am going to celebrate the end of Lent by doing everything I pretended to give up for Lent.

dor1316, Qball, sophh and shespeaks94 like this

Thank goodness this horrible winter weather has officially become horrible spring weather.

annairie and shespeaks94 like this

Get me out of this nightmare!

sophh and Qball like this

Spring is an excellent reminder that I was suppose to get in shape before Spring.

dor1316, Qball and sophh like this

Today was a Happy Thinking About Food Even More Than Usual Day.

If you pacifically asked me to do something and I failed to do it, try Atlantically asking me the next time.

PenSword72, meohmy, JodieT and dor1316 like this

reposted by dor1316

I'm just like everyone else...
I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.

sophh likes this

Our office thermostat has two settings:

Eternal hell fires or Hypothermia.

sophh likes this

From the moment I first saw you, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

Riki and sophh like this

Spring is here!

Time to blind everyone with my pasty winter legs.

sophh and Qball like this

It's a lovely Winter we are having this Spring.

sophh likes this

People who say "Good Morning" should be forced to prove it.

sophh and Qball like this

If cats could talk, they would lie to you.

sophh, ruhip and AbbyPenguins like this

Today's hairstyle is called "and I didn't brush my teeth either."

aana, ruhip, Qball, BerlinGirl2014 and sophh like this

Nurses Confession:

Yes, we have given a confused patient our coworker's name and told them to yell if they need anything.

aana, ruhip, Qball and sophh like this

I deserve a daycare differential for all the time I spend taking care of doctors acting like children.

aana, ruhip and annairie like this

Management didn't appreciate my suggestion of "flog the annoying coworkers of your choice with a cattle prod" as a team building exercise.

aana and ruhip like this

ANNOYING:
Sitting in a cubicle 40 hours a week next to the chic with OCD and the cartoon voice.

ruhip and sophh like this

I only seem to remember I want to lose weight AFTER eating nine cookies...
and a candy bar..
and a piece of pie.

ruhip, Qball, BerlinGirl2014, annairie and sophh like this

If I sound annoyed, it's because I am.

ruhip and annairie like this

I want to shove a lamp up your ass so you'll lighten up.

ruhip, Qball and annairie like this

I hate that you don't believe my lies when I'm lying to you.

ruhip, Qball and sophh like this

For Lent,
I gave up my New Year's resolutions.

annairie and sophh like this

Please use your big girl voice.
I don't speak Whinease.

LaurieAmy, Qball, ruhip, blackboxmagic, aana, swatchUSA and sophh like this

You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!!

Qball, ruhip, aana and sophh like this

I need a running start for the testicle kick you deserve.

ruhip, annairie, sophh, Riki and shespeaks94 like this

You're the reason why this country has to put directions on shampoo.

ruhip, annairie, sophh, aana and shespeaks94 like this

I hate when people say "puppy dog". You don't say "kitten cat" or "baby human ". It's either a puppy or a dog!

Interessant, ruhip, aana and shespeaks94 like this

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "That can't be accurate?"

wendleworld, ruhip and aana like this

I discovered my boyfriend in bed with another woman and I was totally crushed.
I yelled, "You two, get off of me!"

shespeaks94 likes this

Life isn't fair.
If it was, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

sophh likes this

While I was at the beach, every time I would lie down people would roll me back into the water and say, "Hurry up! She's dying."

sophh likes this

My family always ask why I don't come home more often for the holidays. I keep telling them I can't get Delta Airlines to wait in the driveway while I run in.

sophh likes this

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.

Krisargent, burntchocolate and sophh like this

Today, my family took me to my first dog show.

I won.

dor1316, BerlinGirl2014, ruhip, aana, annairie and Qball like this

I had to go on two diets at the same time, because one diet wasn't givng me enough food.

dannyzee, rudeamplitude, kj55, Gabbem, shespeaks94, LionDormant, dor1316, niniel, meohmy, guggigirl and 7 others like this

reposted by swatchUSA, cranberryfield and dannyzee

My husband told me he needed more space, so I locked him outside.

dor1316, BerlinGirl2014, aana, annairie, sophh, GabiGabler, Qball and Moon-D like this

We're all in this alone.

dor1316, swatchUSA, aana, sophh and GabiGabler like this

Anyone else ever just feel the fetal position coming on?

dor1316, PenSword72, Moon-D and sophh like this

I'm on a variation of the South Beach Diet.
It's called the South Beached-Whale Diet.

dor1316, swatchUSA, aana and annairie like this

I'm so glad that your emails and my delete button have become such good friends.

juneocallagh, sophh, annairie and aana like this

Either take me as I am or watch me as I go.

juneocallagh, BerlinGirl2014, haiden_ and aana like this

Heartbreak makes you wiser. Tears make you braver. Pain makes you stronger.
And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap.

IndieSmythe, blackboxmagic, juliettebravo, BerlinGirl2014, Davidmayhem, juneocallagh, haiden_, sophh, annairie, aana and 1 other like this

reposted by BerlinGirl2014

Yes, you're entitled to your incorrect opinion.

dor1316, juneocallagh, haiden_, annairie and aana like this

The wireless mouse was invented so there would be one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.

PenSword72, dor1316, juneocallagh, burntchocolate, haiden_, sophh and aana like this

"Please let it go to voicemail..please let it go to voicemail..please let it go....."
"Oh, hey, I'm glad I caught you..."

juneocallagh, jamine, sophh and aana like this

I need to get on medication so I can slap stupid people and blame it on the side effects.

juneocallagh and Qball like this

I'm celebrating Groundhog Day by repeating the same crappy day I had yesterday.

juneocallagh likes this

I hope the groundhog sees or doesn't see his shadow, depending on which means what.

dor1316, juneocallagh and shespeaks94 like this

I'm sorry.
I don't have the blood alcohol to deal with you right now.

shespeaks94 and sophh like this

I hope the groundhog see's his shadow on Feb 2nd, so I'll have six more weeks to gorge myself like a furry rodent.

juneocallagh likes this

If I ever meet the one who invented the cold, I think I'll beat the snot out of him.
Or better yet, into him.

Qball likes this

Today, I got my happy pills and my ticked off pills mixed up.
I took one of each...I'm ticked off, but I'm happy about it.

juneocallagh, boldoctor, burntchocolate, hadig11 and Babs_77 like this

reposted by boldoctor

Sing everybody, together now.....
If you're happy and you know it, share your meds.

juneocallagh, burntchocolate and sophh like this

I don't do drugs or drink.

At my age, I get the same effect just standing up too fast.

IfAnimal, IndieSmythe, streetmedic, satan, Stiltskin, Authlander, sarcaSM, sslaven, dor1316, xjessila and 46 others like this

reposted by Babs_77, DJMrGreen, llamabat, truthseeker57, boldoctor, Boldomatic, rbump, cedbuzz, vinnilove, rudeboy and 17 others

I am so excited about how skinny I'll be when I wake up tomorrow morning... I just finished an entire box of Slim Fast bars.

juneocallagh and Qball like this

I'm well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.

dor1316, juneocallagh, Asmo, Babs_77 and burntchocolate like this

Why do people say they're having a tuna fish sandwich?

No one ever says they're having a chicken bird sandwich.

boldstatment, juneocallagh, sophh and avant-garde like this

If Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow on February 2nd, I'm going to make a hat and scarf out of his fur.

Qball likes this

A recent study found that women who carry a few extra pounds live longer than men who mention it.

MollyB, dor1316, Qball, Babs_77, sophh and burntchocolate like this

I wish it was socially acceptable to throw water balloons at people who annoy me.

juneocallagh, burntchocolate and avant-garde like this

We all know that "team building activities" mean something that we will complain about as a team.

Qball and Interessant like this

Whenever I lose my cell phone, it's always on silent.

dor1316, Qball and Babs_77 like this

Have you noticed that fat people give the best workout advice and diet tips?

If you listen very carefully, you'll hear the familiar sound of no one caring.

dor1316 and juneocallagh like this

You're one of the few people I don't mind very briefly communicating with on a Monday.

sophh likes this

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.....

Krisargent, juneocallagh, upupandaway, blackboxmagic, sophh and swatchUSA like this

Don't you hate when someone is staring at your keyboard while you're typing your password, so you have to type faster?

blackboxmagic and swatchUSA like this

Your presentation in the meeting will be very informative and inspirational.... for anyone actually listening.

swatchUSA likes this

I have a deep passion for not cooking.

juneocallagh and swatchUSA like this

It really annoys me when my co-workers are running around and avoiding work while I am busy avoiding work at my desk.

dor1316 and sophh like this

The number one distraction from people on their cell phones.......

LIFE

dor1316 and swatchUSA like this

reposted by swatchUSA

I would rather give myself paper cuts between my toes and dip my feet in vinegar than listen to the nauseating sounds of someone slurping their drink, smacking their food, chewing their gum or sucking their teeth.

Next time someone is looking over my shoulder at my computer screen, I am going to open a new tab and search on "How to kill the person behind me".

BerlinGirl2014, juneocallagh, upupandaway, jamine, rudeamplitude, swatchUSA, jadeeastman and sophh like this

I get my home decorating ideas from watching Hoarders.

juneocallagh, dor1316 and sophh like this

I'm not sure which is worse - spending five minutes alone with you or chewing my leg out of a bear trap.

dor1316 likes this

Chewing with your mouth open and slurping tells everyone that you weren't beaten any as a child.

dor1316 and lemmalemma16 like this

My dream job:

Driving the Karma bus.

dor1316 likes this

I often wonder if Taylor Swift ever gets one of her songs stuck in her head and also wants to kill herself.

lemmalemma16 likes this

The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is the one who won't go away.

sophh likes this

Listening to your voice immediatly transports me to the soothing sounds of fingernails on a chalkboard.

sophh likes this

My nonexistent balls are bigger than your real ones.

dor1316 and sophh like this

When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirin and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.

upupandaway, wendleworld, dor1316, Babs_77, sophh and swatchUSA like this

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I've got five fingers,
The middle one's
for you.

dijana84, upupandaway, dor1316, tala and Babs_77 like this

reposted by dijana84

Please don't interrupt me while I'm ignoring you.

wendleworld, dor1316, Babs_77, tala and swatchUSA like this

I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear in bubbles over our heads.

Babs_77 and tala like this

I use to skinny dip.

Now, I chunky dunk.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?

dor1316 and Babs_77 like this

In scary movies, why does a person yell out "Hello?" when they hear someone in the house? Do they think the killer is going to reply back, "Hey, I'm here in the kitchen, fixing a sandwich."

dor1316 and sophh like this

What do people do with all the extra time they save by texting "K" instead of "OK"?

UserOne, curvema, daniel8a14, cybersont, Dhruvinshah, BerlinGirl2014, pestapever, LaurieAmy, catmilkempire, berekka3 and 26 others like this

reposted by swatchUSA, EliseD, invalid, faisalaziz and truthseeker57

Two things I'm
thankful for:

1. Family & friends

2. Caller ID to avoid
certain family & friends.

dor1316, sophh and swatchUSA like this

My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.

blackboxmagic likes this

My shower only has two water temperature options:

Third degree burns or skinny dipping in Antarctica.

Babs_77, sophh and blackboxmagic like this

"It's going to be okay."

"Yeah, because it's not happening to you."

dor1316 and blackboxmagic like this

Pets:

The only members of your family you actually like.

dor1316 and sophh like this

Starbucks at 8am looks a lot like a methadone clinic.

dor1316, Babs_77, sophh, swatchUSA and blackboxmagic like this

If I don't answer my phone the first time you call, calling 5 more times isn't going to make me answer.

dor1316, swatchUSA and blackboxmagic like this

We will continue having lots of meetings until we find out why no work is getting done.

Krisargent, Babs_77, swatchUSA and blackboxmagic like this

Today, a Walmart manager asked me to leave the store immediately because I was not dressed appropriately.

I didn't have on my pajamas.

dor1316 and swatchUSA like this

Life called.

She said, "Grab your ankles!"

If a toddler refuses to sleep, is it a clear case of resisting a rest?

sophh and blackboxmagic like this

My talents include taking my bra off without removing my blouse.

dor1316 and blackboxmagic like this

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

dor1316, Babs_77 and blackboxmagic like this

When I say lol, I don't literally mean I laughed out loud.
What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nostrils
...similar to a bull.

dor1316, swatchUSA and blackboxmagic like this

Cashiers are always checking me out.

sophh, blackboxmagic and lemmalemma16 like this

If I can punch you without moving my feet, you're in my personal space.

Babs_77, sophh, swatchUSA, blackboxmagic and stanleyfu like this

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

dor1316 and blackboxmagic like this

I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.

dor1316, lemmalemma16, sophh and jadeeastman like this

Some days I feel like I'm only one mood swing away from getting my own padded room with the "hug yourself" jacket.

dor1316 likes this

My life is just a series of awkward and humiliating moments, separated by snacks.

sophh likes this

By "Good Morning"
I mean don't talk to me.

dor1316 likes this

Worst way to start the day?

Having your finger go through the toilet paper.

The most powerful antidepressant has 4 paws, fur and a wagging tail.

dor1316 and sophh like this

The men who fall for me are either emotionally unavailable or mentally unstable or imaginary.

dor1316 likes this

If I don't clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded people for a Febreeze commercial.

dor1316, lemmalemma16 and sophh like this

I'm not bragging but I just finished this 14 day diet.....
in 3 hours and 24 minutes.

dor1316 and stanleyfu like this

I don't have attention deficit disorder.

I have "this isn't interesting enough to pay attention to" disorder.

dor1316 likes this

One easy way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to ask yourself, "Do I want to see it?"
If you do, then it won't be on Netflix.

That awkward moment when you're trapped in the corner of the shower because the cold water is running.

dor1316 and lemmalemma16 like this

I'd like people more if they were kittens instead.

Krisargent and dor1316 like this

reposted by dor1316

Some people need a shock collar and I need the remote.

Every moment you are away is better than the last.

sophh likes this

This morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.
I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

wendleworld, blackboxmagic, rudeamplitude, annairie, dor1316, sophh and jadeeastman like this

reposted by dor1316

Birth control pills should come in Pez dispensers with a tiny baby head crying on top.

dor1316 and sophh like this

I eat intensely enough to consider it exercise.

sophh likes this

Anyone who says that I don't exercise has obviously never watched me put on a pair of jeans fresh from the dryer.

dor1316 likes this

I don't trust anyone who smiles before 10am.

Have you ever met someone and thought, "Yeah, there goes the reason why contraceptives were invented"?

Mornings happen at the absolute worst time of the day.

Krisargent and dor1316 like this

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

PenSword72, blackboxmagic, jaybyrd, dor1316 and sophh like this

reposted by dor1316

According to a recent study, 78% of the people say they have at least one annoying co-worker. The other 22% don't realize they are the annoying co-worker.

I'm somewhat skeptical you're laughing out loud as much as you claim.

sophh and blackboxmagic like this

A cop pulled me over and said, "Your eyes look a little red. Have you been drinking?"
I said, "Your eyes look a little glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

I need bail money.

jamine, sophh, Interessant, dor1316 and blackboxmagic like this

I can assure you that my holiday weight gain is in no way an indication of increased jolliness.

sophh likes this

The only cold air I enjoy is from opening the doors of my fridge.

jamine and AbbyPenguins like this

Teamwork is essential for allowing you to blame someone else.

jamine likes this

Capitalization is the difference between "helping your Uncle Jack off a horse" and "helping your uncle jack off a horse".

reg1907, eulekauzig, Ziya, dannyzee, eboy, burntchocolate, PenSword72, rudeamplitude, annairie, dor1316 and 4 others like this

reposted by AbbyPenguins, dor1316 and dannyzee

If someone got addicted to counseling, what kind of treatment would they get?

jamine and sophh like this

What happens if you get scared half to death a second time?

jamine likes this

Does "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

My New Years resolutions that I know I will be able to keep:

Gain weight
Exercise less
Get older

dor1316, Moon-D and sophh like this

Some people just need to chill out
...in a bathtub
...with a hairdryer.

Not wanting to scare my pets is a perfect excuse for never vacuuming my house.

blackboxmagic and sophh like this

I can't decide between morbid isolation and social repulsion.

dor1316 and makalapua like this

reposted by makalapua

It's about time for us to start making vague plans we'll never put into action.

sophh and makalapua like this

My death will probably be caused by being sarcastic at the wrong time.

sophh and makalapua like this

I hope no one is secretly criticizing my appearance as harshly as I'm criticizing theirs.

makalapua likes this

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, life's a bitch and wine's a must.

makalapua likes this

Fast way to screw up somebody's Knock Knock joke:

"It's Open."

dannyzee, BerlinGirl2014, dor1316, lemmalemma16, wendleworld, blackboxmagic, swatchUSA, naina_eyez, sophh and makalapua like this

My brain is like the Bermuda Triangle.

Information goes in and then it's never found again.

blackboxmagic and swatchUSA like this

Blessed are the flexible, for they will not be bent out of shape.

Krisargent likes this

The people in horror movies would live much longer if they listened to the audience.

wendleworld, sophh, eboy, jaybyrd, Lady.E, Luenchen, blackboxmagic, anonyman, PenSword72, Ms_Ntlebi and 2 others like this

reposted by swatchUSA

I hate when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn't follow the script.

Krisargent, dor1316, blackboxmagic, swatchUSA and makalapua like this

Everybody has that one secret that they tell no one.

blackboxmagic, naina_eyez, sophh and makalapua like this

Alcohol:

The liquid version of Photoshop.

blackboxmagic, swatchUSA and makalapua like this

Always remember that if the weather or the wait time determines your "need" to come to the ER, then it's not an emergency.

dor1316, blackboxmagic and makalapua like this

Charting is my favorite part of my job.

Said no nurse ever!

makalapua likes this

There are 3 kinds of people in this world:

Those who are good at math and those who aren't.

perellano, swatchUSA and makalapua like this

3 common lies:

1) I love you.

2) We will be together forever.

3) You will use algebra in real life.

makalapua likes this

Somewhere out there
is a man worth shaving my legs for

janem803 likes this

Admit it:

Nobody knows how to play Minesweeper.

We just click random boxes and hope for the best.

sophh likes this

That awkward moment when you get home, look at yourself in the mirror and think, "Did I really look like this all day?"

dor1316, blackboxmagic, swatchUSA and sophh like this

When your ex says "You'll never find anyone like me again," tell him, "That's the point, you idiot."

dor1316 and wendleworld like this

Procrastinators
unite.....

tomorrow.

blackboxmagic and swatchUSA like this

Anger Management Tip:

Try thinking of something funny to help cool off.....
like choking a smurf to see what color it turns.

sophh likes this

I wish it would snow so I can complain about the snow.

swatchUSA likes this

I'm going shopping for a swimsuit this afternoon which means I'll be having Xanax for lunch.

swatchUSA and sophh like this

I want to kiss you with the grill of my car.

diversiti, blackboxmagic and haiden_ like this

You're so old your blood type was discontinued.

blackboxmagic, swatchUSA and haiden_ like this

All I want for Christmas is enough alcohol to get me through Christmas.

sophh likes this

Leaving a cozy, warm bed on a cold winter morning is my personal hell.

Let me find you a ladder, so you can climb out of my business!

blackboxmagic and swatchUSA like this

"I need to talk to you" is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life.

dor1316, blackboxmagic, swatchUSA and sophh like this

The next time my cat wakes me at 5am to be fed, I'm going to get out of bed and feed it like I always do.

swatchUSA and sophh like this

If you are uncomfortable around my pets, I will be happy to lock you in another room when you come over.

dor1316 likes this

Pets:

Life's apology for every crappy day ever.

I show affection to my pets by holding them in my arms and whispering "I love you" repeatedly while they struggle desperately to break free.

Vandtastic, dor1316 and sophh like this

reposted by Vandtastic

Last year, I joined a support group for antisocial people.

We haven't met yet.

Krisargent, wendleworld, blackboxmagic, swatchUSA and sophh like this

It's funny how exercise helps you live longer because whenever I exercise, it makes me feel like I'm dying.

swatchUSA and sophh like this

I hate it when I'm eating something crunchy and can't hear the TV anymore.

blackboxmagic, swatchUSA and sophh like this

An annoying moment:
When you can't find the long side of your blanket.

dor1316, swatchUSA and sophh like this

Don't you just hate when you get all comfy in bed and then realize you forgot to do something?

Krisargent and swatchUSA like this

The closest I've come to murder is holding my Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop.

I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person.

Krisargent and swatchUSA like this

Hey Santa, thanks a lot for the triple chin you brought me this year!!!

swatchUSA and sophh like this

I'm opening a gym called "Resolutions". It will have exercise equipment in it for the first two weeks, then it turns into a bar for the rest of the year.

Krisargent, IfAnimal, eulekauzig, sslaven, nuffnuff, curvema, jmelri312425, Asmo, lemmalemma16, pestapever and 23 others like this

reposted by swatchUSA, uglyteen, Boldomatic, Junglee, timmer, panzo64, MyWords, melany4879, shreyance, maddenuff and 25 others

My New Year's resolution is to spend more time avoiding friends and family.

Krisargent likes this

Now that the holiday blues are over, let's resume our everyday melancholy.

Krisargent, dor1316 and sophh like this

Do you know what I got for Christmas?

Fat. I got fat.

Sunshine123 and sophh like this

We all know at least one person that could have been the inspiration for the ignore button on cell phones.

AbbyPenguins likes this

I haven't heard from you lately and I've really enjoyed it.

dor1316, Interessant and sophh like this

Usually I don't care what people are saying, until they start whispering.

janem803, wendleworld and blackboxmagic like this