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P E A C E I S D E A D
please find a new goal

13

The astrologer who said the horoscopes perfectly matched was nowhere to be found when their marriage turned out to be 'horrorscope'

7

Aquarius - The holiday season brings out your rebellious nature and people find your antics a bit overwhelming. Doesn't matter that you got another driving while intoxicated violation. This mug shot still looks better than the last and that's what counts!

6

HORRORSCOPE

6

WHEN THE DEVIL KEEPS ON ASKING YOU TO LOOK AT YOUR PAST,
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOOD IN YOUR FUTURE THAT HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO SEE!

6

Cancer - Your emo side takes over after watching ads on television with homeless animals so you adopt 26 cats only to find out quite unexpectedly that you are deathly allergic to cats. The death rattle as your windpipe closes solid is a call to dinner for the hungry buggers! Here kitty, kitty!

4

Scorpio - your highly charged nature finds you at the center of attention once again as another secretary claims to have been impregnated by you during the holiday party. Three in one night, Scorpion! Your sting is lethal...and costly, especially when your wife finds out!

4

Capricorn - stubborn goat! Pride got the better of you this Christmas season and you finally told the boss what you really think of her ideas. Well, now you have unemployment to look forward to which means no running around for gifts last minute. It's a solid win-win, Cap! Enjoy that egg nog while it's still fresh!

4

SAGITTARIUS
A news reporter asks are prepared for quarantine and you boast every detail, oblivious to the fact that the interview is in front of your house. As the mobs arrive to pilfer your wares, you think that maybe you should have stocked-up on ammo too.

4

Sagittarius- this is your month to shine, Sagittarius! Unfortunately, youve gotten into heavy debt trying to be everything to everyone. A year in jail might be just the cure to curtail all the fraudulent check activity. But, at least you still have your health, right? Happy holidays indeed!

3

CAPRICORN
Your constant pessimism sends everyone around you into a panic. Lets face facts little goat, you will likely end up catching this virus and dying rather than on that beach in Maui come June. Make that call to the morticians early and often.

3

AQUARIUS - You stumble aimlessly into market only to find a cult of lunatics sacrificing someone in the paper aisle. Guess who's coming to dinner?

3

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