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@jeffswarens: Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

3

@albo_albert: *falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

2

@simoncholland: When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming.

2

@topaz_kell: [impatiently yells]

"What do I have to do to get a margarita around here??"

And that's when I got kicked out of Dairy Queen.

2

@SamuelHLowe: - I'm your son's teacher and I'm calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
- And a damn good one. I don't have any sons.

2

@holymolynicole: My ex didn't realize 'cheat day' only meant he could eat whatever FOOD he wanted.

2

@Spaziotwat: OF COURSE IT'S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

1

@RidiculousSheri: Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

1

@TheDrunkStory: "I don't understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober." - Florida State

1

@AnkCoupleTO: I'm always a little suspicious of women who say that they don't "remember things"

1

@khook32: Apparently telling the principal that "it's not cheating, it's cooperative learning" was the wrong thing to say.

1

@Home_Halfway: WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don't. Thank you.

1

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