Posts Liked by Vaniljkola

No matter how fast you run,
the serial killer always walks faster •

It's not the dress that makes you look fat....

... it's the fat!

i envy the cup of coffee that gets to kiss your sleepy lips awake every cold and bitter morning.

Keep reaching for the stars.

But, please, get a better deodorant.

New Year's resolution:

Don't get caught •

Me: for Christmas I
want a unicorn.

Santa: be realistic!

Me: ok I want a
boyfriend.

Santa: what colour do
you want your
unicorn?

I will be posting telepathically today..
so if you think of something funny, that was me •

I knew who I was this morning..
but I've changed a few times since then •

How do you get a clown off a swing?

Shoot him in the face.

Worried I am wasting my life worrying about wasting my life.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it, how bad a decision can it be

Don't you dare tell me what to do...
unless I'm naked and you tie me up first

they say, 1 out of every 3 people cheat in a relationship.

not sure if it's my husband or my boyfriend

out of all the lies i've told, 'just kidding!' is my favourite.

How you make
others feel about themselves says a lot about you •

When already in a queue, and you see more 'queue' options...

Stick with your line, don't switch.

Karma takes Queue's seriously!

If I was a snake I'd probably accidentally tie myself into a knot.

Don't take life too seriously laugh a little.

$I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them$

I just reported my asshole-neighbor to the local animal rights group. I saw him eating pussy.

May all your ups and downs be between the sheets.

Reach as
high as you can, and then reach a little higher..
there you will
find magic and possibility..
and maybe
even cookies •

I want hot,
steamy,
earth shattering,
mind-blowing..

...coffee •

I hope Jessica Biel names her first child Batmo.

Me: I wanna look good today.
Body: No.
Hair: Nope.
Face: Nice try.

IMAGINE

If trees gave off WiFi
signals, we would be
planting so many trees
and we'd probably
save the planet too!

Too bad they only
produce the oxygen
we breathe.

My fitness coach told me to bend down and touch my toes..
I said, "I don't have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?"

Sometimes
frogs are just
frogs, no matter how many times you kiss them..
and sometimes what you thought was a frog was just a horny toad •

not all who wander are lost- some of us just have a fucked up map.

The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons
and morons.

Mentally
punching someone you don't like in the face when you see them walk by •

Coffee and sex
are the best when they're hot •

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers.

what if birds aren't singing and they're screaming because they are afraid of heights...

Monday is pretty much like sex, drugs & rock'n'roll, just without the sex, drugs or rock'n'roll.

I'll make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.

Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business.

Life ain't always as it seems, neither are people •

What if the cure for cancer is trapped inside the mind of someone who can't afford an education?

Job Interview:
"What's your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a fuck what you think."

Who
the heck
is Adrian and why do I have to share my Coca-cola zero with him?

I'd like to offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.

Scariest Moment:

Flushing the toilet at someone else's house,
and seeing the water rise •

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Imagine the horror of a deaf person learning that farts make sound...

She liked my bold.

So I guess you could say things're getting pretty serious.

Everytime
you speak,
I feel my
brain cells committing suicide
one by
one •

I wish more things could be blamed on autocorrect.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
o O oO
o O o
o O
O o
let's have a beer
O o
O o
o O o
O o o O

For every expectation that turns into disappointment, you'll be given something to cherish by those from whom you expected nothing •

Some
people
are just like Snickers..
half sweet and half nuts •

Handicapped buddhists who were born on a Monday evening get 5% discount on midget penguins if they submit this voucher using a pre-stamped yellow envelope.
P.O. box: "Sick of Ads"

i'm super lazy today.

which is like normal lazy, but i'm also wearing a cape.

I sometimes imagine a naked, sweaty fat ass posting such teenage girl stuff. Makes it somewhat more bearable...

Congratulations!

You are my crush
of the day •

$|----------, | Lirpae.. | |----------' /\ /\ /\ /\ _ ` = = ' _ _-~...............~-_ _--~...........................~--_ __--~~..........................................~~--__ .___..---~~~.................................................................~~~---..___, `=._____________________________________________________,=' @^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^@ | | I I II I I | | | |__I___I___II___I___I__| | | /___I_ I II I _I___\ | | '_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ _ ` | __-~...~~~~~--------------~~~~~...~-__ ___---~~.............................................................~~---___ .___..---~~~........................................................................................~~~---..___, `=.___________________________________________________________________,=' @^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^@ | | | | | | || | | | | | | | |____| |____| | || | |____| |____| | |__________________|____||____|__________________| _-|_____|_____|_____|__|------|__|_____|_____|_____|-_$

I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account, so I just go around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times. I've got three followers so far but I think at least two are cops.

I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes!

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super-fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly!

It's
okay to
have flaws..
That's what makes you real •

Ever
have that
one person whose presence automatically pisses you off?

YOU + ME = PERFECTION

Just kidding, you're a piece of shit.

Anyone seen John Wayne lately?

I don't want any bad surprises when pretending to be him.

step aside coffee
this is a job for alcohol

Wouldn't it be ironic... to die in the living room?

When butterflies
fall in love,
do they feel humans in their
stomach?

do not read the next sentence

you little rebel I like you!

To Do-List

1) Buy 4 pigs

2) Paint numbers 1, 2, 3 and 5 on their backs

3) Release them in a supermarket

4) Sit back and watch Security search for #4

My life is a romantic comedy minus the romance and just me laughing at my own jokes.

Sometimes
I get so bored
I just wanna
do a backflip,
but then realize
I can't •

Be happy.
Stay Happy.
Love your family and friends
and forget the people that don't make sense •

Friends
are like potatoes..
If you eat them,
they die •

Trust me
when I woke up today,
I had no plans
to be awesome..
but shit happens •

Whatever you do always give 100%..
unless you're donating blood •

shit happens I mean... just look at your face.

Everyone's equally fucked up... some only hide it better.

Mondays aren't so bad. It's your job that sucks.

others have sex in the kitchen, I eat in bed

Today i found out midgets don't like being called midgets -
and they REALLY don't like being called "people mcnuggets".

Dear Algebra,
stop asking us to find your "X".
She's not coming back.

There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying,

"I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."

Whenever I delete an app on my phone,
the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed •