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Posts Liked by simi97

Mars: i'm wet.

Nasa: i'm coming over!

36

Some people make your laugh a little louder. Your smile
a little brighter. And your life
a little better.

31

Sitting in a bar having drinks with a friend...
I casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said " That's us in ten years".

He said "That's a mirror, dipshit!"

108

the bad news is:
time flies...

the good news is:

you are the pilot.

111

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

151

I wonder how many calories bitches consume by jumping into conclusions.

32

I will ignore you so hard, you will start to doubt your own existance.

50

I don't mean to be rude, but fuck you and shut up.

20

I'd date you so hard, then marry the shit out of you.

32

Sex with an ex.

Same as if you shower and wear your dirty underwear again.

223

You remind me of my big toe, cause i'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own

273

others have sex in the kitchen, I eat in bed

367

Voices in your head - normal

Listening to them - common

Arguing with them - acceptable

Losing the argument - BIG PROBLEM

273

My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said; "no, we all seem to enjoy it"

367

Whenever I delete an app on my phone,
the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed •

583

I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT

250

My internet was down for 5 minutes so I went downstairs and spoke to my family.

They seem like nice people.

356

There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying,

"I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."

539

It's Monday!

And guess who's not motivated?

That'll be me.

11

I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

30

Evoke emotions with your writing.
Let them see worlds their eyes never will and remember lessons their minds will not forget.
Pour out your heart on the page so that they may soak it into theirs.

136

My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in tampon commercials.

237

Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won't text me back.

47

You better hope to God that Santa doesn't see your browser history.

19

I wish I could Google search for things in my house.

70

Don't try to understand women.

Women understand women, that's why they hate each other.

19

Never change. Unless you're an asshole. Then you should probably change a little.

32

My condolence to Santa for having to fully review the appallingly naughty things you did this year.

12

I know I should respect your opinion but I find that difficult because you're a fucking idiot.

41

Damn girl! Are you a fire detector?

'Cause you're really fucking loud and annoying.

25

How men wake up in the morning:
Brain: "oh fuck!"
Body: "don't get up!"
Dick: "THIS IS SPARTAA!"

19

santa gets all the credit

and i get all the bills...

177

Men have two emotions:

Hungry and horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

21

Sometimes I wonder if I ever cross your mind, then I laugh at myself for even wondering if I do... of course I do, I'm the shit.

25

When a girl calls you "bro" you just got sentenced 25 years to life in the friendzone.

27

Before you ask someone why they hate you, ask yourself why you even care.

25

Singing to a song you don't really know... But that 15 second part you do know is coming and your gonna own that shit.

42

Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.

265

I wish I was as skinny as I was back when I thought I was fat.

19

Officer: "Sir, are you aware how fast you were going?"

"Well my snapchat selfie says 65 mph..."

20

I don't exercise to be healthy.

I exercise to look sexy as fuck, naked.

18

I didn't make it to the gym today.

That makes 5 years in a row.

26

You know it's cold out when you fall down and dent the ground with your nipples.

153

You sound better with your
mouth closed.

26

Why the hell do people say grow some balls? Balls are weak and sensitive, if you want to toughen up grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.

18

we live long enough to realize we don't live long

201

I'm not single!

I'm in a long-term relationship with fun and freedom.

23

Don't forget that blowjobs are like flowers for men!

11

YOUR
PHONE SCREEN
IS BRIGHTER THAN YOUR FUTURE.

275

When a guy says "Suck it!"

I say, "Sorry, but small objects are a choking hazard."

27

59

Of course women don't work as hard as men...

They get it right the first time.

53

Other people in my age group are like
"I went to this party yesterday! It was crazy!"
And I'm just like "I got out of bed yesterday! It was crazy!"

39

Girls fall in love with what they hear and guys fall in love with what they see... That's why girls wear make-up and guys lie.

39

I just wanted to let you know how much my soul has died since I started working here.

18

Current emotion:

I need money.

40

Me: I want a magical unicorn for Christmas!

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: OK, I want 5 minutes to myself each day to have my coffee hot and pee in peace.

Santa: What colour unicorn would you like?

185

Dear Santa,
I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty... and it was worth it.

You fat,
judgmental bastard.

34

I hate mornings.

And mondays.

And working.

But other than that I'm entirely happy.

15

dear santa

I'm writing to tell you I've been naughty and it was worth it.

you fat, judgemental bastard.

27

The fact that you don't find me amazing doesn't reflect poorly on me, it just means you have bad taste.

16

I like the idea that someone, somewhere is made for you, forever.

225

Karma means i can rest easy at night knowing all the people i treated badly today had it pretty much coming.

176

Discrimination?

There's no discrimination here because I hate everyone equally.

21

I hate the part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.

29

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive:

"Hi".

159

That moment between Netflix episodes where you see your reflection on the black screen and wonder what the fuck you're doing with your life

234

As my friend, you know I'm a judgemental bitch - you should feel lucky you made the cut.

14

You should stop worrying about your weight and start worrying about your boring personality.

23

Shout out to everyone who has seriously looked up whether it was legal to marry food

103

[ ] Single

[ ] Taken

[ x ] Motherfucker I'm excellent

19

I don't want to be a grown up anymore.

It's not nearly as much fun as it was supposed to be.

21

And here starts another week without me being rich or famous.

182

Every woman has the right to be ugly, but you are abusing the privilege.

37

What's that? You heard a bunch of stories about me?
From someone who hates me?

That shit MUST be true!

45

I'm not always right, but when I am it's usually all of the time.

10

It's not easy being psychic, but I already knew that.

101

This year I'm secretly stuffing the turkey with marijuana so everyone can relax and enjoy my cooking for once.

164

You're so hot, I'd Instagram
you without a filter.

20

10 reasons why I'm lazy:
1)

25

Sometimes, navigating through the world wide web can be like trying to play a first person shooter using chopsticks to control
the keyboard and mouse.

52

You see, the problem is I am too rich for Financial Aid,

but too poor to pay for college.

15

Your secrets are safe with me. I zoned out about 30 minutes ago.

27

The biggest mistake is assuming anyone gives a fuck.

19

Our souls are a compass, our brains know no maps.
For time and space
are earthly constraints
and we are here; stars,
to live, again and again.
In each other and through; again and again, we are both old, and young. Used and new. Again and again. And I will always find you.

24

If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I wouldn't be here today to share this post.

Some children need to learn the meaning of respect.

33

if you walk a mile in my shoes you'll end up at the bar

26

Worse than non-believers,

are those who claim to believe,

and don't.

28

Let's see a Mistake as just a Mistake..
Not as Mine or Yours.
'Mine' brings guilt
&
'Yours' brings anger..
Only Realization brings Improvement..!

Have a Fantastic night...

12

JUST LET ME SLEEP AND NOBODY GETS HURT.

39

Goosebumps

A reaction of our body
which appears
when something
really touches
our soul

34

If you are surrounded by sick people too long, you begin to feel sick even if you aren't.

25

WHY IS IT CALLED "BEAUTY SLEEP" WHEN I WAKE UP LOOKING LIKE A TROLL.

32

"Hey, wanna fuck and eat with me for a few years?"

"Sure."

35

Sometimes it freaks me out that there is a skeleton living inside me.

50

if travelling was free you'd never see me again..

45

Elsa doesn't get goosebumps. The cold never bothered her anyway.

18

They'll either want
to kill you, kiss you,
or be you.

40

never ruin a good day by thinking about a bad yesterday

75

I've reached that age where my brain went from "you probably shouldn't say that" to "what the hell, let's see what happens"

51

I like Mondays.

Because all the others hate them.

22

A simple woman knows her limits, but a wise woman knows she has none.

34

When reality fucks me, I make sure I cum*, too.

40

Stop asking if
I'm okay,

I'm tired of lying

43

I'm cold.
You're hot.
Let's cuddle •

54

I'm at a period in my life where i love myself,
to the point if i saw another me somewhere,

who knows what would happen

38

I eat cake because it's somebody's birthday somewhere.

82

If shes amazing, she wont be easy. If shes easy, she wont be amazing. If shes worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, youre not worthy.
-Bob Marley

56

Only trust people who like big butts.

They cannot lie.

50

FRENCH PEOPLE ARE SO HARDCORE THEY EAT "PAIN" FOR BREAKFAST.

61

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