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Posts Liked by ShadeusMaximus

Break rules, not hearts.

410

If I marry a Canadian, I've decided that the children will be raised metric.

224

They tell me I'm weak, but I am strong. They tell me I'm worthless, but I am loved by many. They tell me I am nothing, but someday I'll be everything to someone.

252

Some talk to you in their free time
&
some free time to talk to you

270

If I were a gardener, I'd put my tulips and your tulips together.

150

If you have to ask if it's too early to drink wine, you're an amateur and we can't be friends.

189

A world where we are smarter than our phones

182

I want to sleep for two years and wake up with a degree, an apartment and money in the bank

269

A world

with a little less selfies

and a little more selfless.

244

Noticing how beautiful the city lights are at night while getting chased by the cops.

187

i think therefore

i don't have much in common with a lot of people

236

The Dark Side does NOT have cookies!
But it does have waffles every Tuesday

152

I would not want to be involved in a fight with a person who bleeds every month and still lives.

225

Can february march?

No. But april may

310

shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is n

67

I don't do drugs or drink.

At my age, I get the same effect just standing up too fast.

244

quit your job
travel the world
die happy

173

if you were a president,
you would be babe-raham lincoln.

88

Half of my feelings are doubts about the other half of my feelings.

232

Why do people say heads up when you should duck?

147

Bolding:
verb

Expressing your thoughts

59

Kiss me like your ex is watching

256

And I just want to tell you, it takes everything in me not to call you, and I wish I could run to you, and I hope you know that every time I don't,

I almost do.

235

You're not fat! C'mon, chin up.

No, the other one...

195

A church is a hospital for sinners, not a club for saints.

206

People don't want to hear about your diet.

Just eat your lettuce, and be sad.

196

Trust your heart, it beat before you were able to think!

230

damn.

don't you hate it when you think you're out buying organic veggies and when you get home you realize they're just regular donuts?

makes me mad.

138

if i had 1$ for everytime i got called beautiful i'd have 1$

thanks mom

200

Get out of my head and fall into my arms instead.

215

The blurred picture around the smartphone is called life.

261

Maybe she's not on her period... Maybe you are just an asshole....

256

The most amazing people are the ones that don't speak much, but when they do, they shut up a lot of mouths.

295

Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.

145

I don't approve of political jokes

I've seen too many of them get elected.

153

If the phone doesn't ring,
it's me.

178

just wanted to update everyone on the fact that absolutely nothing new is happening in my life

203

Show a girl you don't care and she'll chase you. Show a woman you don't care and she'll replace you.

250

Frying stuff is one way of saying
"I love you"

80

If they think you're so easily replaced or interchangeable, they weren't the one.

122

there's a little truth behind every
"just kidding"
a little curiosity behind every
"just wondering"
a little knowledge behind every
"i don't know"
and a little emotion behind every
"i don't care"

250

You know you are getting old when happy hour is a nap.

171

I dont have exes, I have Y's. Y the fuck did I date you?

180

There's an ancient birth control secret. It's called "keep your legs together.

132

Reality slaps wishes in the face.

127

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

209

Quit playing. Let's just
show and tell...

83

mess up my bed with me.

140

and there were always those nights where she preferred the rain over people. because the rain would remind her of how she should feel and people would remind her of the things she always wanted to forget.

141

My brain keeps making appointments that my body cannot keep.

143

you are a hurricane of a girl.

remember to breathe every once in a while, do not drown within your own storm.

111

What Susie says
of Sally
says more of Susie
than of Sally.

Remember that.

199

I swear if my
memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party.

231

own your shit,
so no one else can own you.

132

My children are dyslexic; they think 'Dad' is spelt ATM.

109

Dating an ex is the equivalent of failing a test you already had the answers to.

233

the only thing you should take personally
is your personality

166

Stop asking WHY I'm still single.

I don't ask how you're still married.

219

My biography will be titled "Be Yourself And Other Ways To Stay Single."

269

Time to go to bed.

I have a life to pretend to have tomorrow.

222

Calm down gas tank.We're all empty on the inside.

145

Find someone who knows you're not perfect but treats you
as if you are.

328

Intellectual is the new hipster.

132

Dear Life

Please stop fucking me in broad daylight.
I would much rather prefer it under the cover of darkness.

yours sincerely
me

173

Work until your idols become your rivals.

298

I like long romantic walks off the planet.

102

There is no planet "B".

153

MAKE
HAY
NOT
WAR

74

I need a hug or 6 shots of vodka.

264

Sometimes I feel useless but then
I remember
I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.

394

we had been trying to be adults for so long, and it wasn't until we were 18 and laying on the bathroom floor drunk that we realized that age is just a number and reality is learning that there is no such thing as being an adult, you only grow older, and if you're lucky,
a little wiser

219

I had a great time last night...well thats what the police report says.

238

Music always puts me in a better wood.

151

rap is like scissors it always loses to rock

182

A fuck must be earned. I can't go down the street with a bucket of fucks, giving them out to everyone.
If I feel that you've earned it, I will give a fuck.

321

Your ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.

452

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else -

is the greatest accomplishment

277

Potatoes give us french fries and vodka.

It's your move, celery.

231

I heard you should question everything, but why?

176

Life is like a Bollywood movie: colorful, humorous, and usually you have no idea what the fuck is going on.

289

Have you ever noticed that a woman's
"be ready in 5 minutes"
and a man's
"be home in 5 minutes"
are exactly the same?

289

The word "Listen" has the same letters as the word "Silent".

"So Shut Up"

249

getting no message is also a message...

258

Don't be ashamed of who you are.

That's your parents job.

270

Love is a language spoken by everybody but understood only by the heart.

158

lazy is a very strong word.
i like to call it selective participation.

279

I like people the way I like my tea.

I hate tea.

236

If you asked me how many times you have crossed my mind I would say once, because you never really left.

289

SO SCARED AND EXCITED

like when you have to poop and the bathroom is in Narnia

93

I was talking to a nice, old woman at a party. She asked me, "Is that your accent, or do you have a condition?"

85

If I had 24 hours to live...

Ah, fuck it. I'd probably just sit and eat chicken from a bucket.

168

If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask you to be your default browser, you're brave enough to ask that girl out.

217

Selfie is the proof that smartphone and internet have made people so alone that they don't find a friend who can take a pic.

250

Apple CEO announces he's gay. Samsung CEO announces he's more gay and water resistant.

244

See you all in church.

Just kidding, meet you at the bar.

176

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I'm very disappointed with all of you.

163

FRENCH PEOPLE ARE SO HARDCORE THEY EAT "PAIN" FOR BREAKFAST.

190

It's not easy being psychic, but I already knew that.

101

This year I'm secretly stuffing the turkey with marijuana so everyone can relax and enjoy my cooking for once.

164

goosebumps.

when the soul comes too close to the skin, trying to burst free into the world, either in ecstasy or in fear

148

Thanks for pretending not to see me when I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have.

193

24 shopping days days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

125

It's not that diabetes,
heart disease and obesity
runs in your family. It's that no one runs in your
family.

203

sad people
love the rain
because they are
no longer crying alone

216

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive:

"Hi".

159

Drop pants
not bombs.

137

That moment between Netflix episodes where you see your reflection on the black screen and wonder what the fuck you're doing with your life

234

Shout out to everyone who has seriously looked up whether it was legal to marry food

103

I miss you a little... I guess you could say, a little too often, a little too much...

169

And here starts another week without me being rich or famous.

182

I like the idea that someone, somewhere is made for you, forever.

225

actually, we are created to love each other.

simple.
and so hard to do too.

131

your bumper sticker will not change my mind

78

tomorrow (noun)

a mystical land where 99 percent of all human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored.

201

what if the best is yet to come and this was only the first part of the run...

161

Me: I want a magical unicorn for Christmas!

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: OK, I want 5 minutes to myself each day to have my coffee hot and pee in peace.

Santa: What colour unicorn would you like?

185

die with memories,
not dreams.

329

Let's get drunk
and tell each other how
we really feel •

248

Evoke emotions with your writing.
Let them see worlds their eyes never will and remember lessons their minds will not forget.
Pour out your heart on the page so that they may soak it into theirs.

136

My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in tampon commercials.

237

We have each other and everything else is background noise.

191

Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.

265

I'm opening a gym called "Resolutions". It will have exercise equipment in it for the first two weeks, then it turns into a bar for the rest of the year.

255

YOUR
PHONE SCREEN
IS BRIGHTER THAN YOUR FUTURE.

275

Let's be nothing, I heard it lasts forever.

310

Can't wait for the day some kid grows up and sues their parents for plastering their face all over the Internet.

194

Sometimes you have to find the good in goodbye.

369

If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself

491

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