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Even old dogs can learn new tricks.

40

I can't reach my full potential it's all the way up there on the top shelf,

can you please help me?

60

Expect nothing.
Appreciate everything.

75

Remember
when people argued that a woman couldn't be President because of unpredictable mood swings...

69

Trying to understand the behaviour of some people is like trying to smell the colour 9.

66

Ignoring truths for temporary happiness

32

Typing...

27

I'm sorry I don't take orders, I barely take suggestions.

70

Ignoring truths for temporary happiness

64

We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star.

28

Circus freaks of the future

See the amazing
untattooed man...

52

The hardest thing in life is to learn which bridge to cross and which to burn

50

The hardest thing in life is to learn which bridge to cross and which to burn

82

We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star.

40

Be messy
and complicated
and afraid
and show up
Anyway

64

I might be wrong,

but that's unlikely.

62

We'll, we'll, we'll, if it isn't autocorrect

28

Rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

48

A univerisal
remote changes everything.

53

Do not make
the same
mistake once.

48

Shout-out
to all the people who hate loud noises.

48

Politricks.

100

[ At Shakespeare play ]

"Where are our seats?"
- "2B..."
"But, there are people there already."
- "... or not 2B."

16

"Hey."

- "Hey."

"I just fucking
said that."

12

I tend to try and include the lyrics
to "Uptown Funk"
in conversations.

Don't believe me? Just watch.

10

Update: Congress says you must choose either thoughts OR prayers.

9

"My name is Graham but my friends call me very rarely."

15

HE: "I'm feeling nostalgic about the future."
SHE: "That's not how nos-
talgia works."
HE: "Lol, remember when you said that next week... Good times."

13

Here, look up from your
phone and let me make
you watch a thing on my
phone. No, do not touch
my phone I'll hold it. But
here watch. WATCH IT.

9

[ Goes into a
fitting room ]

"There's no toilet
paper in here!"

11

"What you listening to?"
- "The radio."
"Right, but like, is it like
a podcast or?"
- "It's radio station."
"I don't understand. Did you download this?"

18

"On a scale of one to
ten, how..."
- "Ten."
"...psychic are you?"

14

The person who invented doors must have been
a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

13

Well, well, well... Look who's come crawling back... Begging me to return their crutches.

12

"Newton was 23 years old when he discovered
the Law of Gravity."

What a fucking moron.
I mean they teach you
that in what, 3rd grade right?

18

So he asked
me to please
stop singing Wonderwall,
I said maybe

15

Funny how Single Awareness Day is somehow always on the same date as Valentine's.

29

"Do you have kids?"
- "Including goats?"
"Umm, sure."
- "No."

12

/ Fun prank

01 Take friend's phone.
02 Change your contact
name to "Me."
03 Add photo of them to
contact.
04 Then call them in the
middle of the night.

8

If you can't beat them, disappoint them.

20

"Oscar, do you think
I am a bad mother?"
- "My name is Leon, mom."

20

"It's 'handkerchief',
not hankerchief."

"What? I said it. I didn't
type it. We're talking."

"But I heard the typo."

"Your a piece of shit."

"You're*."

34

"I woke up to a Danish model"
is a cooler way
of saying "I fell asleep playing
with Lego."

16

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Spaghetti
( top view )

23

"Don't forget to pick the kids up from school."

- "It's Saturday, they're both upstairs."

"It's Thursday... And we have three kids."

18

Imagine watching basketball if humans
could double jump.

10

It's twirly for helicopter jokes.

8

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