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Posts Liked by sassenach

Moms are so fake when people come over.

44

I only drink twice a year. When it's my birthday and when it's not my birthday. That's it.

46

If traveling was free you'd never see me again.

56

In 1815 women had no rights.

In 1915 women fought for some rights.

In 2015 women are always fucking right!

40

Do you ever start telling your parents a funny story then remember what had happened was illegal.

74

When women wear makeup they're basically lying to us.

I don't see why I'm being blamed for a man stupid enough to think I have gold eyelids.

41

Whenever someone says, "You look familiar. Where have I seen you before?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"

82

lazy is such an ugly word

I prefer the term selective participation

93

thoughts are sleep stealers .

1

Don't let "I love you" be the password to your pussy.

40

a lion leading an army of sheep is better than a sheep leading an army of lions.

2

The fact tommorrow is not Friday and the next day is still not Friday.

1

I'M ON THAT NEW DIET WHERE YOU EAT EVERYTHING AND HOPE FOR A BIG MIRACLE.

244

To make a long story short, don't tell it.

226

If you ran like your mouth, you'd be in good shape.

177

Better grab my dumbrella.

It's really stupid out there today.

294

You two are the most fucked up people I've ever met and I deal with fucked up people for a living.

103

People who remind me of myself are the worst

167

i hate it when people try to make small talk on the lift, "nice weather", "how are you today", "where's your pants"

124

Trying to sleep like;
One sheep, two sheep, cow, turtle, duck, old mac Donald had a farm,
HEE MACARENA!!!!

257

People
who talk shit
will be reincarnated as toilet paper •

212

Can you imagine parents nowadays explaining to their kids how they met?

"Well, it all started one day when your dad 'liked' one of my selfies."

218

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