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Posts Liked by rektorwhom

I'm sorry I don't take orders, I barely take suggestions.

70

Yet, despite the look on my face, you're still talking.

54

Ignoring truths for temporary happiness

64

THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOUR BEST FRIEND AND YOU REALIZE....

YOU'RE BOTH
FUCKING LEGENDS.

65

I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.

70

Circus freaks of the future

See the amazing
untattooed man...

52

The hardest thing in life is to learn which bridge to cross and which to burn

82

my mind goes on
an instant vacation
when i see your name midst my notifications

48

having nothing to say is a fucking gift

50

How strange
it is to be
anything at all.

55

Let the cosmos do his work and just take along for the ride.

37

It takes two to tango, but Sarah from accounting is a bitch.

39

Be messy
and complicated
and afraid
and show up
Anyway

64

I might be wrong,

but that's unlikely.

62

Sorry War, won't make it. I'm with Peace now, you suck.

57

Because your eyes said you were feeling it too.

72

The Communist equivalent of a
"Grammar Nazi"
is Punctuation
Marx.

15

"Don't forget to pick the kids up from school."

- "It's Saturday, they're both upstairs."

"It's Thursday... And we have three kids."

18

[ pretends to be on the phone as this guy with clipboard approaches ]

"What do you mean I already do too much for charity?"

13

Mothernaturefucker.

15

[ At Shakespeare play ]

"Where are our seats?"
- "2B..."
"But, there are people there already."
- "... or not 2B."

16

Tennis is a sport where each person desperately tries to get rid of a ball that came out of a Pringles can.

12

"Hey."

- "Hey."

"I just fucking
said that."

12

"My name is Graham but my friends call me very rarely."

15

"Youth" is wasted on the young
as wisdom
is wasted
on the old.

13

I tend to try and include the lyrics
to "Uptown Funk"
in conversations.

Don't believe me? Just watch.

10

When you are a drug addict, your days are full of highlights.

9

"Hey, how are you?"
- "Good, how are you?"
"I'm good! How are you?"

11

Your death
happens to everybody,
but you.

12

Update: Congress says you must choose either thoughts OR prayers.

9

I don't have an angel or a devil on my shoulder but sometimes a little Robert De Niro pops up
on my shoulder, asking 'you proud of yourself?'

11

SHE: "So do you consider yourself a feminist?"
HE: "Oh, no way. I'm not a feminist at all!"
SHE: "..."
HE: "In fact, some of my best friends are women."

7

"Did you know that it costs more than one penny to make one?"
- "That doesn't make any cents."

11

I bet the plumber who sold Duchamp that urinal, was kicking himself he didn't ask for more money.

6

Perhaps the caged bird thinks we're the ones that are caged.

8

"I want to stop saying 'that's what she said',
from now on."
- "Well it's going to be hard."

12

You'll remember what you want to
forget.

15

HE: "I'm feeling nostalgic about the future."
SHE: "That's not how nos-
talgia works."
HE: "Lol, remember when you said that next week... Good times."

13

[ Goes into a
fitting room ]

"There's no toilet
paper in here!"

11

"When is your birthday?"
- "August 2nd."
"What year?"
- "Every year."

15

Stress ruins
every day.

Death just one.

15

The person who invented doors must have been
a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

13

[ About to leave an Italian restaurant ]

"Pasta la
vista baby!"

14

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians.

Actually, if I'm being bru-tally honest here, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about.

14

You'll never get a second chance
to make your first impression.

Unless you meet another person.

17

If I ever heard
of Pavlov? No,
doesn't ring a bell.

11

Trashure

10

Here, look up from your
phone and let me make
you watch a thing on my
phone. No, do not touch
my phone I'll hold it. But
here watch. WATCH IT.

9

"On a scale of one to
ten, how..."
- "Ten."
"...psychic are you?"

14

Ex pat(riot).

10

"What you listening to?"
- "The radio."
"Right, but like, is it like
a podcast or?"
- "It's radio station."
"I don't understand. Did you download this?"

18

[ At fancy restaurant ]

"One food please."

15

Sometimes I open
Uber just to watch
the tiny cars drive
around for a bit.

16

I have absolutely
no use for rules, for they only rule out that brilliant exception.

11

[ Mind readers conference ]

Speaker: "..."

Audience: "..."

Speaker: "..."

16

So he asked
me to please
stop singing Wonderwall,
I said maybe

15

"Newton was 23 years old when he discovered
the Law of Gravity."

What a fucking moron.
I mean they teach you
that in what, 3rd grade right?

18

But, WHY did I get a PhD in philosophy?

15

Intelligence is accurately knowing how stupid you actually are.

16

Well, well, well... Look who's come crawling back... Begging me to return their crutches.

12

I used to think
a blender was
actually called
a "margarita"
because that's
all my parents
ever used it for.

6

Wrap birthday gifts in the obituaries to remind your friends how lucky they are to celebrate another
year.

10

[ About to have sex ]

SHE: "Wait. I'm sorry.
I can't. I'm married."

HE: "I know, you're
married to me."

SHE: "Yes, exactly."

7

Completely forgot I'd
downloaded a memory
improvement app.

13

I like to think Prince is currently dancing like it's 1999 under a cloud of purple rain.

10

Funny how Single Awareness Day is somehow always on the same date as Valentine's.

29

Valentine's Day.

Hearing nothing
from him all day,
is quite nice. For
a change.

15

"Mirror, mirror, on the
wall, who's the fairest
of them all?"
- "Ok. Beauty is a socially constructed concept and can be defined in many ways by different people. Moreover, regardless of which definition is used,
it cannot be quantified
and therefore cannot be accurately compared."

11

HE: "If you were an
animal, which one
would you want to
be?"
SHE: "A bird."
HE: "Oh.. So you'd
like to fly-"
SHE: "I like worms."

15

"Think of a card."
- "Twelve of Blorps."
"That's not a real card."
- "So? You're not a real
magician."

13

"I can't even."
- "Can't even what, hm? Finish you sentence?"

14

You wouldn't need
to kill 'baby' Hitler.
Anytime pre-1933 will do.
I think a lot of you
just hate babies
and use this as an
excuse.

5

"If you could go and
see anything, what
would you choose?"
- "Anything?"
"Yes."
- "Probably a horse
on a trampoline."

9

It's not an egglace, it's
an omulet.

8

Three benefits of Alzheimer's disease:

1. Every time you look in the mirror you see a new face.
2. You can laugh about a joke you've heard before.
3. Every time you look in the mirror you see a new face.

10

BOB: "Steve, Lisa. Coming
to the office party?"
STEVE: "No..." [ whispers ] "..Lisa just lost her father."
BOB: "There'll be like fifty of us there. We'll help you look."

9

A bullet
is a lifetime supply.

6

THERAPIST: "Remember, here there are simply no stupid questions."
KEITH: "Ok."
THERAPIST: "Alright, you
start."
KEITH: "Do dolphins ever
need to take a bath?"

12

“Anger management courses? FUCK THAT
SHIT.”

9

Women's deodorant:
Rose, cotton, spring,
meadow

Men's deodorant:
WINTER ICE, GLACIER
PUNCH, SHARKNADO,
GUN

11

Tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

16

If you froze an egg and threw it through somebody's window while they're not in, they'd come home to a broken window and a raw unscathed egg and wonder how this happened for ever.

11

Cannibal

(n.) Someone who is fed up with people.

12

Did Disney come up with the movie and then the name or did someone just think of the pun "artistocats" and then design an entire movie after it?

8

AutoCorrect just changed my selfie to a black screen.

17

Hold my beer, I gotta drive.

12

"What's worse than losing a bet?"
- "Getting raped by
a giant scorpion."

11

"Siri, find closest
coffee shop."

- "But what's the point..?
We're all so insignificant compared to the mass-iveness of space."

11

"Do you have kids?"
- "Including goats?"
"Umm, sure."
- "No."

12

"Fellatio" just sounds like
another Italian
dessert gone entirely wrong.

13

I was caught
in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders
in my pocket.
Now I'm half man, half jar.

13

They should randomly
place Waldo in Google Street View simply for fun's sake.

9

If you think about it,
Ursula was actually
really nice because
she only promised
Ariel legs, and she
gave her really nice
legs that matched
her body type and
skin when she could
have just as easily
give her goat legs.

7

"PROJECT EARTH" BY GOD

WOLF "Can I have a thing?"
GOD "Like what?"
WOLF "I want to scream at the moon."
GOD "Not wings or... -"
WOLF "No."
GOD "But you cou... -"
WOLF "Scream. At. Moon."

9

"PROJECT EARTH" BY GOD

ANGEL "What are your
plans on the panda?"
GOD "Cow bear."
ANGEL "What?"
GOD "You heard me."
ANGEL "..."
GOD "Come on... Take
a cow; make it a bear."

3

Nobody sings Happy Birthday when we are actually born.

19

Dance like no one
is watching.
But first confirm no one is actually watching because people are creepy and you are not a great dancer.

11

/ Fun prank

01 Take friend's phone.
02 Change your contact
name to "Me."
03 Add photo of them to
contact.
04 Then call them in the
middle of the night.

8

What they say:
"Hi, I'm Peter. This is
Lisa and Steve."

What I remember:
"Hi, I'm Blerpblap. This
is Glaungh and Craig or
maybe Greg."

9

We'll, we'll, we'll, if it isn't autocorrect

28

When police calls
for support, but, like, emotional support.

5

WAITER: "Questions
about the menu?"

STEVE: "Yes. Is this recycled paper?"

WAITER: "No I meant
about what's on it."

STEVE: "Oh. What
kind of ink is this?"

7

My printer broke down, so
I called customer service
and this guy said "get your son, your only son, whom you love so dearly and take
him to Moria where you'll have to sacrifice him on the hill that I'll lead you to."

So I go ahead and sacrifice my son but after doing so my printer still didn't work.

12

"Hm-hm, I hear what
you're saying."
- "Yes, alright, but do
you agree?"
"I'm aware of the fact
that you're speaking."
- "Ok, but..."
"I acknowledge that
you're making sound."

8

Do you know what's
more embarrassing
than having Another
One Bites The Dust
as ringtone?

Not putting your phone on silent at
a funeral.

11

"Hi, I'm Nick Melville."
- "Nice to meet you, Garry."

2

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