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Posts Liked by nightwalker

"Papa, ich habe vorhin einem zugesehen, der hat 100 Liegestütze gemacht. Kannst Du das auch?"

"Junge, ich will nicht prahlen, aber ich wette, ich könnte sogar jemandem zuschauen, der 270 Liegestütze macht."

5

i should be ashamed of my behavior... to be clear, i'm not, but i should be.

7

SOMETIMES THE WORST PLACE YOU CAN BE IS INSIDE YOUR OWN HEAD.

6

you cant cross a sea by merely staring into the water

6

RTL ist wie Fukushima.

Die strahlen solange aus,
bis alle behindert sind...

6

Stop blaming yourself for your failures.

Learn astrology and blame the planets!

8

Never met a problem I couldn't make worse...

8

I met my wife at a singles night.

...I was surprised, as I thought she was at home with the kids.

5

MY KID IS JUST AS WEIRD AND TWISTED AS I AM, I'M NOT SURE IF I SHOULD BE PROUD OR SCARED.

8

When phones were tied with a wire... humans were free

9

a goal without a plan is just a wish

4

I DON'T THINK MY INNER CHILD IS EVER MOVING OUT.

21

YESTERDAY I LOST A GOOD FRIEND TO A TRAGIC ACCIDENT.
THEY GOT THEIR FINGER CAUGHT IN A WEDDING RING.

10

Winning isn't everything.

Rubbing it in the face of your enemy is also very important.

28

What we learn from history is that we don't actually learn from history

13

Do you think it's expensive?

You could also be just poor?

3

Please don't complain if you are so attached to your problem that you are not really committed to solving it.

26

Silence is golden

Duct tape is silver

6

If you could line up all your exes in a row you would be able to see the flowchart of your mental illness

9

Love is when you're drunk and sober calling the same woman...

18

If a girl says 'have fun.'
do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat.
Abort mission.

25

I think my problem is that I have really fantastic
bad ideas.

32

I'm not that good at being myself.

19

I hate it when the voices in my head go silent...

I never know what those fuckers are planning...

31

Day 425 without sex

Went jogging in flip-flops just to remember the sound

29

Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it's probably shit

19

Some people say. Just hanging out with me is a bad habit.

16

Failure isn't the opposite of success -- it's part of it.

17

making a living may never prevent you from making a life

8

It's not too early for a cocktail, it's already November

26

No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

23

Voting gives us an opportunity to choose from options that were chosen for us.

22

$TODAYS MATH PROBLEM: George is 68 & his girlfriend is 22. . . How much money does George have ?$

20

You!

Yes you!

Put away that selfish pride. Stop being a fool. Reach out right now and tell them that you love them before its too late. That saddle of regret will wear you down and you know it! Do it! Now!

9

I love people who absolutely have no idea how wonderful they are . . .

The ones who just wander around making the world a better place . . .

22

Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome

36

Red Bull may give you wings. . .

But Whiskey gives you balls

13

Before you blame a clown for acting like a clown . . .

Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus

16

when a pandemic occurs and you need to make almost no changes to your daily life

22

Barbie sure has a lot of nice things for a woman who's knees don't bend. . .

15

Fool me once..

Fuck you
we're done..

27

I'm really tired of people who complain about the price of everything. . .

$2.00 for a cup of coffee
$3.00 for coat check
$4.00/hr for parking

I'm just going to stop inviting them to my house. . .

15

The key is this; meet today's
problems with today's strength .
Don't start tackling tomorrow's
problems until tomorrow. You do
not have tomorrow's strength yet.
You simply have enough for today.

17

I'm so single i'm chasing myself around the house playing hard to get

13

You can be the whole package and still arrive at the wrong address.

48

war is terror with a bigger budget

14

Not everything that can be counted counts,
and not everything that counts can be counted.

15

Judge me by the people I avoid.

36

I called my job from jail to tell them why i can't make it. . .

These fuckers bailed me out and made me come to work. . .

14

May the tears you cried in 2019 water the seeds you're planting for 2020.

20

If i ever get murdered, just know that i talked shit until the bitter end.

11

My wish for you for 2020:
May all that has been reduced to noise in you, become music again.

36

There's an ass for every saddle

16

Too
much
doing
and
not
enough
being

30

It's funny how a guy can be loyal to a footballclub all his life, but not to you when lying, cocksucking, licking Lisa is entering the room

4

The way to love someone is to gently run your fingers over their soul until you find a crack...

and then carefully pour all your love into it.

30

I am the best version of myself, untill now

5

Mirrors don't lie and for some... lucky they don't laugh

10

Being happy is wanting what you already have

20

"THE CHILD WHO IS NOT EMBRACED BY THE VILLAGE ,WILL BURN IT DOWN TO FEEL IT'S WARMTH"

- AFRICAN PROVERB:

14

"It Doesn't Matter How Your Week Started. Today Is A Good Day To Decide How You Want It To End."

8

IF YOUR PATH DEMANDS YOU TO WALK THROUGH HELL,

WALK AS IF YOU OWN THE PLACE

18

2019 feels like season 3 of 2017

9

What would you ask for,
if you knew the answer was YES?

8

An eyelash getting stuck in your eye is the perfect example of something failing miserably at its intended purpose

7

Damaged people are dangerous, they know they can survive.

30

You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe
next to you, and a lion is
chasing you! What do you
do?

Get your drunk ass off of
the carousel!

10

Sarcasm works for me, because beating the crap out of people is illegal

13

When kids are little you tell them a story so they can sleep. When they grow older they tell you stories that will keep you up all night.

9

Why is being alive so expensive? I'm not even having a good time.

8

True friends cry when you leave. Fake friends leave when you cry

20

if you want to finish second... follow me

7

5-5 rule

It it doesn't matter in 5 years you are only allowed to be upset for 5 minutes.

25

"Dick so good it fixes my attitude problems."

12

HERE I AM!

WHAT ARE YOUR OTHER TWO WISHES?

14

When i was a kid i used to hate it when guys pulled my hair and pushed me up against the wall. . .

Funny how things change

27

Lets go where the WIFI is weak and the rum is strong

18

admit it: life didn't fuck you,
it taught you.

54

When you see the people your ex been bangin' and you think. . .
damn. . .
Couldn't trust you around ugly people either. . .

18

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. Its a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths!

14

Virgins don't give a fuck

27

Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

15

Forget dancing like no one is watching

Dance like a toddler

They don't even care if there's music

25

I haven't had sex in so long i forget how to moan. . .

What if i fuck up and bark instead ?

13

A bar of Iron costs $5.

Made into horseshoes it's worth is $12.

Made into needles it's worth is $35.

Made into balance springs for watches it's worth is $300.

. . . You're own value is determined by what you are able to make of yourself

16

If you see your glass as half empty pour it into a smaller glass and get a life.

53

Beware of people who want to heal you.

Beware of your belief that you need to be healed.

26

I've had so many oysters,
I'm about to shit pearls.

33

My girlfriend says that I only have two faults...

...I don't listen, and something else.

47

FUCK IT often comes before important dicissions I make in life

7

One of the biggest goals of adulthood is to make enough money to be as carefree as you were when you were a child

17

I hate it when people accuse me of not caring about whatever the fuck they were talking about.

15

You don't just wake up this sexy. . .

Well i do, but you don't

15

You are standing...
Behind me
Next to me
Or in my way

Now whats it gonna be???

9

Dogs can be our best friends, but a cat will never tell the police where the marijuana is

51

I wonder what chairs think about all day. . .

"Oh here comes another asshole."

17

Don't wrestle with the pigs,
it just makes them happy
and gets you dirty.

45

My brains are like the Safari browser:
16 tabs are open,
3 of them are lagging and I don't know where this annoying music is coming from.

17

Do that thing that calms me down. . .

You know, with the glass and the alcohol.

12

I suffer from that disorder where i speak the truth and it pisses people off.

57

anlehnen ist wie hinfallen. nur früher. WORD!

6

Ich hätte viele Dinge begriffen, hätte man sie mir nicht erklärt.

11

wer mehr weiss,
muss weniger glauben.

17

Some thoughts are so private that you only share them with a therapist or 17.000 people on the Internet.

56

When i was a kid werewolves and vampires were scary.

Now everyone wants to date one.

12

Even if you hear a bad story about me,
understand, there was a time i was good to those people too, but they won't tell you that.

27

Es sind die kleinen Gesten die zählen:

Eine schöne Schwimmkerze im Abwaschbecken,
eine Rose im Putzeimer,
mal die Kellertür aufhalten, wenn sie mit dem Kasten Bier hochkommt...

10

If you truly want to forget someone,
put their name as your password.

71

Happiness is not the final destination. It's a way of travelling

63

It's fucked up that whole countries go to war just because a few assholes can't get along

26

YOU ARE NOT CHOCOLATE SO STOP TRYING TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY!!!

23

Are we alone in the universe ?

"Yes"

So there's no other life out there ?

"There is. They're alone too."

64

I hoped.

I didn't expect.

I still was disappointed.

50

I hope all my troubles last about as long as my New Years resolutions.

43

6+3=9
but so does 4+5

The way you do things is not always the only way to do them.

Respect other people's way of thinking.

19

I found a little piece of courage and I'm using it to poke the shit out of my future.

26

NEVER TRUST A GIRL WHO DOSEN'T FART...
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT ELSE SHE'S HOLDING BACK FROM YOU ?

11

Wenn die Messlatte hoch liegt, muss man eben höher springen.

5

...wenn man Kondome für das Fremdgehen kauft

und dafür Treuepunkte erhält...

12

Scheitern ist ein Unweg. Keine Sackgasse.

7

It's not that I want to run away from anything, I just want to run towards something different....

18

I'm not going to censor myself to
comfort your
ignorance

10

All fear the man

who has nothing to lose

19

I'm not easy but I'm worth it.

19

I drank so much tequila last night that I woke up speaking fluent Spanish.

20

HIS LAUGHTER WARMED ME IN A WAY A JACKET COULDN'T.

17

Boobs are like the sun, you can stare at them longer with sunglasses on

30

I GOTTA STOP TREATING PEOPLE LIKE I OWE THEM SOMETHING!

11

A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.

35

You are as sick as your secrets.

39

Deja Poo:

The feeling like you've heard this shit before.

27

No one on their deathbed ever wished they spent
more time at work.

Enjoy your life.

9

I haven't posted a selfie in a while but I'm still sexy as fuck.
Just keeping you updated.

68

IF HER BRA MATCHES HER PANTIES WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER CLOTHES,
IT WASN'T YOU WHO DECIDED TO HAVE SEX.

26

I wish my whole body was ready to face the day in the morning the way my dick is

20

I have never
Faked a
Sarcasm
In my life!

25

. • *
• . .
. •
*. • . * •
• .
• . * .
* .
'I can't promise you the stars or the moon,
but I can keep you warm while you lay on the grass and watch them'

31

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary.
However, i looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilia.

23

ADULT LIFE:

IF YOUR'RE NOT TIRED,
YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

32

Never look down on someone...
unless you are helping them up.

21

Vorbeugen ist besser als hinten runter fallen!

7

If it requires pants or a bra, it's not happening today.

50

I am a writer, anything you say or do may be used in a story.

64

I am not Adele.

So I'm never going to say "I wish nothing but the best for you."

Die, bitch.

60

Have you ever noticed that the dishes and radio telescopes searching for intelligent life are pointing away from Earth?

71

Have you ever just looked at someone and imagined holding their head underwater?

Oh.

Me neither.

59

bad decisions make good stories

78

Your future self is watching you through memories.

69

Never confuse education with intelligence.

31

it's so hard being a single mother when you don't have any kids and you're a male.

68

Der Zufall geht Wege, da kommt die

Absicht gar nicht hin!

8

MAKING MISTAKES IS BETTER THAN FAKING PERFECTIONS.

26

If you want to
be original,

be prepared
to be copied.

16

When 'I' is replaced by 'We', even illness becomes
wellness

17

Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity

10

Nicht mal mein Minderwertigkeitskomplex ist so gut wie der von allen anderen.

15

Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you .

27

keep calm and disappoint your family

76

Be happy when the world doesn't want you to be

75

If animals could speak to us, they
wouldn't.

41

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, and the lesson afterwards.

43

if i wanted to listen to an asshole, i'd fart!

28

when you change the way you look at things
the things you look at change

21

If you don't swear when you drive then you aren't paying enough attention to the road

80

Life is very beautiful...., when you know how to celebrate your pain...

70

Wir haben zwei Ohren und einen Mund - in diesem Verhältnis sollten wir sie auch nutzen.

17

Voices in your head - normal

Listening to them - common

Arguing with them - acceptable

Losing the argument - BIG PROBLEM

273

Some people come into our lives to teach us not to be like them.

117

Your current situation is not your final destination. That's difficult to believe sometimes.

103

Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink.

27

I'd rather die my way than live yours.

83

I'm asking my self, if it's too late to wrap my self like a baby and lay down at the front door of a rich family...

114

One therapy session is more expensive than an average bottle of wine.

Just saying.

88

there are zero calories in shutting the fuck up

45

$I wish math was as easy as getting fat$

37

fünf von vier menschen haben ein problem mit mathe. das ist fast die hälfte ...

32

happiness sometimes sneaks in through a door you did not know you left open...

95

If you love someone set them free, if you hate someone set them free.
Basically set everyone free and get a dog. People are stupid.

122

The only 'B' word you should call a woman is 'Beautiful'

Bitches love being called beautiful.

102

I'm sorry you're upset after finding out the world doesn't revolve around you...

Here, let me pour you a nice cup of get the fuck over it

130

It's been a long day..
need one of those hugs that turns into sex •

24

Confidence is not "They will like me."

Confidence is "I'll be fine if they don't."

31

She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something!

109

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or talented or smart

um, I forgot where I was going with this

41

I'm still 99% sure that I am a disney princess!

31

Don't judge a person for drinking and swearing, judge the quiet sober ones.
Those fuckers are up to something.

113

When there's always the same shit on repeat,

learn the fucking lesson.

132

If sex, shots, or sleep can't solve it, you have a fucking problem.

182

MAY
YOUR
CHOICES
REFLECT
YOUR
HOPES
NOT
YOUR
FEARS

155

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again.

105

Sometimes I want to go back to the days of cartoons, snacks, and naps. Then I remember...coffee, liquor, and porn.

100

Did you know, that 3-4 glasses of wine per day can reduce your risk of giving a shit.

143

Beim Kampf "Herz gegen Verstand" verliert immer die Leber.

27

'I HOPE YOU GET EVERYTHING YOU DESERVE'

IS THE CUTEST OR EVILEST THING YOU CAN TELL SOMEONE

41

Sorry age,
I just won't adult

52

Learn to appreciate silence in a world that never stops talking.

155

Light is easy to love.

Show me your darkness.

175

Get rich or drunk trying.

122

I've been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.

55

'Big boobs don't count if you're fat'

Yeah well big dicks don't count if you are one.

47

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive?
Love IS everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.
And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more. • Erica Jong

42

You are a magical clump of atoms on a tiny rock spinning around a star.

130

You don't need a cape to be a hero.

143

I want to write a book that goes down like a shot of flaming absinthe.

98

DIFFICULT ROADS
OFTEN LEAD
TO BEAUTIFUL
DESTINATIONS

213

50% of marriages end in divorce.

100% of pizza deliveries end in happiness.

Pizza: 1
Love: 0

44

My inner rockstar just put on a pj and opened a box of chocolate biscuits

138

I want someone who'll sit on a rooftop with me at 2am & tell me their fav songs and their family problems, & how they think the earth was made.

39

Ich brauche Kaffee.
Dafür muss ich aufstehen.
Zum Aufstehen brauche ich Kaffee. Teufelskreis.

32

NO, IT DID NOT HURT WHEN I FELL FROM HEAVEN.

BUT I DID SCRAPE MY KNEES CRAWLING UP FROM HELL.

33

Wenn Kinder sehen, dass Seifenblasen kaputt gehen, beschweren sie sich nicht sondern machen neue...

42

He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him and I'll ask him again when he wakes up. ..

157

It's not a walk of shame if you leave with a moonwalk.

191

One day, I will solve my problems with maturity.

Today, however, it will be with alcohol.

219

"You only live once?"
FALSE
You Live Everyday

You only DIE ONCE.

135

I'm opening a gym called "Resolutions". It will have exercise equipment in it for the first two weeks, then it turns into a bar for the rest of the year.

255

my doctor Told me To Start Killing People !

Well not in those exact words,
He said I Had to reduce the stress in my life?

SAME THING:

38

Dear Santa,
I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty... and it was worth it.

You fat,
judgmental bastard.

34

Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won't text me back.

47

my mistake i thought since you looked like yoda you were wise too

42

Me: I want a magical unicorn for Christmas!

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: OK, I want 5 minutes to myself each day to have my coffee hot and pee in peace.

Santa: What colour unicorn would you like?

185

I see you're eating spaghetti
while wearing a white t-shirt.

Well, I also like to live dangerously.

38

die with memories,
not dreams.

159

if you broke my heart i would still scoop up the pieces and put them in your hands...

28

KarmaSutra:
When fate fucks you in all sorts of creative ways.

37

I want a white Christmas, not a wet one...

26

Three people sleeping together is called a threesome.

Two people sleeping together is a twosome.

Guess that's why people call me handsome.

61

Here's a tissue, you have a little bullshit on your lip.

218

The loneliest people are the kindest, the saddest people smile the brightest, the most damaged people are the wisest, All because they do not want to see people suffer the way they do.

74

Stop
looking
for
happiness
in
the
same
place
you
lost
it.

113

A church is a hospital for sinners, not a club for saints.

91

I just arrived at that point of the week where I want it to be friday or go back to bed..

155

Maybe she's not on her period... Maybe you are just an asshole....

62

Irony is 15 year old mothers using protective covers on their smartphones

101

if you walk a mile in my shoes you'll end up at the bar.

61

Kiss me like your ex is watching

74

Sorry, but your password must contain a capital letter, two numbers,
a symbol, an inspiring message, a spell,
a gang sign,
a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin.

170

BEFORE SEX...YOU HELP EACH OTHER GET NAKED, AFTER SEX YOU ONLY DRESS YOURSELF.

MORAL OF THE STORY: IN LIFE NO ONE HELPS YOU

ONCE YOU'RE FUCKED.

325

that awkward moment when I'm drunk
and you're still ugly

125

Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

628

I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty

and I could not have described it any better

296

If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

220

justice is
a beautiful concept.
unicorns too.

320

My internet was down for 5 minutes so I went downstairs and spoke to my family.

They seem like nice people.

356

You look like something
I draw with my left hand.

959

Me: Hey my friend changed all my contact names, can you tell me who you are?

Person: What does it say?
Me: Bitch

Person: Oh wow...And btw it Caroline, your ex

Me: Oh, Guess he didn't change this one

21

There are three kinds of men which fail in understanding of women:

Young Boys
Middle-aged men
and
old men.

(irish saying)

4

Did you know that if you put your ear up a strangers leg you can hear them say:
What the fuck are you doing?!?

100

Dating an ex is the equivalent of failing a test you already had the answers to.

233

FEED
YOUR
OWN
EGO
I'M
BUSY

186

My biography will be titled "Be Yourself And Other Ways To Stay Single."

269

I had a great time last night...well thats what the police report says.

238

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