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Posts Liked by NewsGlad

A lifetime of training for just seconds of competition.

50

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look...that one is shaped like an idiot."

136

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.
She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

90

I just read an article on my ipad about the evils and dangers of drinking.
I think I'll stop--reading.

68

It's not the dress that makes you look fat....

... it's the fat!

121

I visited my psycho- therapist the other day...

he cried a lot.

68

Sorry, but your password must contain a capital letter, two numbers,
a symbol, an inspiring message, a spell,
a gang sign,
a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin.

200

It is not our differences that divide us. It's our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.

121

The only thing we learn from history is that we don't learn from history.

166

100% of non-
smokers die too.

184

having a vagina doesn't stop me from believing that my balls are bigger than yours.

201

YOUNG, WILD AND RETARDED.

262

Do you remember the time when we were all in peace?

Yeah, me neither.

197

Let's get drunk and fall in love every other weekend.

243

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis!

407

I love waving at random people, because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.

788

Wenn mich das Leben fickt, denke ich oft dabei an jemand anderen!

174

The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.

823

I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT

1035

I love making people who don't like me hate me more by just being me.

612

Money is like manure. If we spread it around, it does a lot of good, but if we pile it up, it stinks.

196

A lot of people cry when they cut onions, the trick is not to form an emotional bond.

396

10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion.

90% are due to wrong tone of voice.

473

Anybody have any plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?

320

A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear.

Unless it's 3am.

And you're home alone.

And you don't have a baby.

427

I love you so much
that I would tell you
if I dropped your toothbrush in the toilet.

224

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

222

if you rearrange the letters in

MOTHER IN LAW

you get

WOMAN HITLER

184

The blurred picture around the smartphone is called life.

261

Maybe she's not on her period... Maybe you are just an asshole....

256

Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.

145

If the phone doesn't ring,
it's me.

178

just wanted to update everyone on the fact that absolutely nothing new is happening in my life

203

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

209

My brain keeps making appointments that my body cannot keep.

143

My heart and my brain only agree on one thing..

Food •

157

Dating an ex is the equivalent of failing a test you already had the answers to.

233

Stop asking WHY I'm still single.

I don't ask how you're still married.

219

My biography will be titled "Be Yourself And Other Ways To Stay Single."

269

Calm down gas tank.We're all empty on the inside.

145

Intellectual is the new hipster.

132

I had a great time last night...well thats what the police report says.

238

I never needed you. I wanted you.

There's a difference.

333

The word "Listen" has the same letters as the word "Silent".

"So Shut Up"

249

Have you ever noticed that a woman's
"be ready in 5 minutes"
and a man's
"be home in 5 minutes"
are exactly the same?

289

The world will only end once

122

lazy is a very strong word.
i like to call it selective participation.

279

I like people the way I like my tea.

I hate tea.

236

If you asked me how many times you have crossed my mind I would say once, because you never really left.

289

I was talking to a nice, old woman at a party. She asked me, "Is that your accent, or do you have a condition?"

85

Selfie is the proof that smartphone and internet have made people so alone that they don't find a friend who can take a pic.

250

FRENCH PEOPLE ARE SO HARDCORE THEY EAT "PAIN" FOR BREAKFAST.

190

It's not easy being psychic, but I already knew that.

101

Thanks for pretending not to see me when I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have.

193

It's not that diabetes,
heart disease and obesity
runs in your family. It's that no one runs in your
family.

203

sad people
love the rain
because they are
no longer crying alone

216

And here starts another week without me being rich or famous.

182

I like the idea that someone, somewhere is made for you, forever.

225

Listening to a bird is like listening to a woman.

Nice voice but impossible to understand.

183

we live long enough to realize we don't live long

201

If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself

491

i think therefore

i don't have much in common with a lot of people

236

Can february march?

No. But april may

310

wäre alles nur so einfach wie fett werden.

46

I don't do drugs or drink.

At my age, I get the same effect just standing up too fast.

244

Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.....apparently "in HD" was not the right answer...

345

I'm multitasking,

I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time

393

Wann genau ist aus Sex, Drugs & Rock n Roll eigentlich Laktoseintoleranz, Veganismus & Helene Fischer geworden?

84

To make a long story short, don't tell it.

226

You two are the most fucked up people I've ever met and I deal with fucked up people for a living.

103

es ist unmöglich.

tun wir's!

44

i hate it when people try to make small talk on the lift, "nice weather", "how are you today", "where's your pants"

124

People
who talk shit
will be reincarnated as toilet paper •

212

does running away from my problems count as jogging?

278

"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself."

148

"tried" is only one step from "tired".

Hello, couch.

126

Bin beim Joggen angebaggert worden.

Also angesprochen.

Eigentlich bin ich gefragt worden, ob man mir einen Arzt rufen soll.

164

I am an artist.

(copy+paste)

108

Sometimes you have to destroy something to create something new.

229

If you look like your passport photo, the likelihood is that you need the holiday

146

Dont make me choose between you and food because I would miss you.

333

I always start phone conversations with "my phone is about to die.." just so people don't waste my time.

238

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle

344

The prettiest people do the ugliest things.

284

Ever tried to fart and pee at the same time?

Try hating and being happy!

100

Summer is here. I'm so excited. I wet my plants.

125

Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don't get. Those who do are smiling right now.

197

TOO BAD THERE ISN'T A VACCINE AGAINST STUPIDITY.

122

Last night I dreamed that there was a room full of people exactly like me!

I hated them all.

112

I will never be a morning person.

The moon and i are too much in love.

176

Kiss me like your ex is watching

211

Never ask a woman her age. Or her weight. Or anything. Just stare, breathe and hope for the best.

198

to avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.

162

My doctor told me to watch my drinking so I found a few places with mirrors behind the bar.

110

Did you know, that 3-4 glasses of wine per day can reduce your risk of giving a shit.

143

sometimes all you need is 1 million dollar and a new identity.

170

Gibt es ein Leben vor dem Wochenende? Ich habe mächtige Zweifel!

30

I wish you could last as long in bed as you do in an argument.

99

Every time I put my phone on silent, it decides to play 'hide and seek'

140

Meine Lehrer haben keine Ahnung, die fragen mich andauernd.

24

Ich soll dich vom Niveau grüssen.

Ihr seht euch ja nicht so oft.

58

The internet is both my best friend and my worst enemy.

82

Yesterday I lost a good friend to a tragic accident. They got their finger caught in a wedding ring.

114

I call my wallet a nonprofit organization.

107

Wenn mir langweilig ist, schreibe ich eine SMS an eine fremde Nummer mit:
“Leiche vergraben, was jetzt?“

40

Verlasse dich auf dein Herz, es schlug schon bevor du denken konntest!

34

Noch keine 30 Jahre alt und schon mitten in der Nightlife Crisis.

22

The more your mind is confused, the more you should listen to your heart.

173

If you are going to be weird,
be confident about it.

117

Psychology says, you're not afraid to love, you're afraid of not being loved back.....

104

Wer schwankt hat mehr vom Weg.

41

If you think missing me is hard,
you should try missing
you

116

I am under no obligation to make sense to you

110

Dein Weg beginnt dort, wo du aufhörst anderen zu folgen.

20

I just ate soup in the bathtub.

What have you done with your life?

66

Der Chef sagt, ich solle mehr Entscheidungen treffen.
Wir haben jetzt eine Hüpfburg im Sitzungszimmer.

27

WGtarisch

Ich esse was meine Mitbewohner kochen.

53

silent and listen are spelled with the same letters...

163

10 Eier bitte.

Freilaufend?

Nein, bitte im Karton!

25

If you had a bad day, don't take it out on me.

Unless we're both naked.

115

Manchmal glaub ich mein Kopfkissen arbeitet nachts als Friseur.

30

Viele Menschen versäumen das kleine Glück, während sie auf das große vergebens warten.

21

Some days I just want somebody to hug me and say, "I know it's hard. You're going to be okay. Here's coffee and 6 million dollars."

139

Sometimes, you just have to play the role of fool to fool the fool who thinks they are fooling you.

131

Let's go one day, you and I, to the middle of nowhere.

83

I'm asking my self, if it's too late to wrap my self like a baby and lay down at the front door of a rich family...

114

wie gefährlich ist vernunft?

21

Always remember to fall asleep with a dream and wake up with a purpose

93

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