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C'EST
LA
FUCKING
VIE

231

People
who talk shit
will be reincarnated as toilet paper •

212

i have this bumper sticker that says "honk if you think i'm sexy" and then i wait at green lights until i feel better about myself.

171

I don't HAVE to be on top of your inbox...

Missionary will do.

88

Can you imagine parents nowadays explaining to their kids how they met?

"Well, it all started one day when your dad 'liked' one of my selfies."

218

I don't have any bad habits.

I am good at all of them.

205

there is always a wild side to an innocent face

182

Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested.

214

You know, long distance relationships are so hard, especially since my boyfriend lives in the future!

197

Porn is so unrealistic. I just took a shower with my boyfriend and all he did was stand in the corner shivering for 20 minutes while he handed me a bunch of shampoos.

131

i'm not
anti-social.

i'm
anti-stupid.

195

if you were a president,
you would be babe-raham lincoln.

88

If I were a gardener, I'd put my tulips and your tulips together.

150

A world

with a little less selfies

and a little more selfless.

244

I like the nights.

Some of my best days were nights.

241

I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty

and I could not have described it any better

296

we live long enough to realize we don't live long

201

Let's get drunk
and tell each other how
we really feel •

248

Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.

265

My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in tampon commercials.

237

Drop pants
not bombs.

137

Shout out to everyone who has seriously looked up whether it was legal to marry food

103

Karma means i can rest easy at night knowing all the people i treated badly today had it pretty much coming.

176

In 1814 Women had no rights

In 1914 Women fought for some rights

In 2014 Women are always fucking right

222

Only trust people who like big butts.

They cannot lie.

221

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I'm very disappointed with all of you.

163

This year I'm secretly stuffing the turkey with marijuana so everyone can relax and enjoy my cooking for once.

164

goosebumps.

when the soul comes too close to the skin, trying to burst free into the world, either in ecstasy or in fear

148

Thanks for pretending not to see me when I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have.

193

The word avacado comes from the Aztec word ahucati which means testicle.

I'll never eat guacamole again!

77

SO SCARED AND EXCITED

like when you have to poop and the bathroom is in Narnia

93

I was talking to a nice, old woman at a party. She asked me, "Is that your accent, or do you have a condition?"

85

I just arrived at that point of the week where I want it to be friday or go back to bed..

155

If I had 24 hours to live...

Ah, fuck it. I'd probably just sit and eat chicken from a bucket.

168

If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask you to be your default browser, you're brave enough to ask that girl out.

217

Love what you have before life teaches you to love what you've lost.

284

we had been trying to be adults for so long, and it wasn't until we were 18 and laying on the bathroom floor drunk that we realized that age is just a number and reality is learning that there is no such thing as being an adult, you only grow older, and if you're lucky,
a little wiser

219

lick
me
'till
ice cream

158

Only very fit and healthy people have midnight snacks
It takes a great deal of physical and mental effort to get out of bed at such late hours

180

Worry is just meditating on bullshit

205

I'm not interested in where you work, or what you wear, or what your favorite color is, I'm interested in what you think.

266

I'm having one of those days that's not a Saturday.

233

My love is like a candle.

If you forget me, I'll burn your house down.

353

I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.

211

Don't be sad laundry,
no one is doing me either

222

Sometimes,
even Google
can't help you.

221

You make me smile...

And also super horny, but that's not the point.

363

Kiss me like your ex is watching

256

There's no stronger sunscreen than sitting at the bar.

111

And I just want to tell you, it takes everything in me not to call you, and I wish I could run to you, and I hope you know that every time I don't,

I almost do.

235

Whoever created the five day work week was probably friends with the asshole that invented pants.

141

Show a girl you don't care and she'll chase you. Show a woman you don't care and she'll replace you.

250

just wanted to update everyone on the fact that absolutely nothing new is happening in my life

203

I don't approve of political jokes

I've seen too many of them get elected.

153

Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.

145

The most amazing people are the ones that don't speak much, but when they do, they shut up a lot of mouths.

295

Maybe she's not on her period... Maybe you are just an asshole....

256

Get out of my head and fall into my arms instead.

215

The blurred picture around the smartphone is called life.

261

I have mixed drinks about feelings. ..

144

Trust your heart, it beat before you were able to think!

230

People don't want to hear about your diet.

Just eat your lettuce, and be sad.

196

Lets lay in bed all day, and trade sexual favours, for trips to the fridge.

146

mess up my bed with me.

140

We never really grow up. We just learn how to act in public.

13

dreams don't make it easy to forget about something

18

I love making people who don't like me hate me more by just being me.

612

You remind me of my big toe, cause i'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own

470

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

534

Let's get drunk and fall in love every other weekend.

243

Porn titles always lack depth and imagination. Yes, we all know college girl is trying anal for the 1st time, but what's her major? Her dreams?

151

Irony is 15 year old mothers using protective covers on their smartphones

194

Complaining about the weather is about as intelligent as complaining about gravity, you can't do a thing about it unless you go really fucking far

away.

90

What if when we die the light at the end of the tunnel we see is just us being pushed out of another vagina?

163

just because it's a bad idea, doesn't mean it's not going to be a good time...

116

Always love a women for her personality.

They have like 10, so you can choose.

145

WHOREIBLE.

60

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day unless you have dinner with me.

97

i've been single for a while and i have to say it's going very well.

i think i'm the one

168

Great minds discuss ideas.

Average minds discuss events.

Small minds discuss people.

~Eleanor Roosevelt

12

Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirtation

64

Let's play
"Your clothes don't like you."

81

spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon

82

Wishes there was a way to donate fat like you can donate blood!

12

My coworker asked if I'd seen Fight Club, so I punched him for breaking the first two rules of Fight Club

23

When you say "yes" to others, make sure you are not saying "no" to yourself.

- Paulo Coelho

13

If money doesn't grow on trees why do banks have branches??

11

The next time i'm going to push someone into the pool i'll ask if i can borrow their phone right before I do.

11

If you're not feeding or fucking me your opinions don't matter to
me. Sorry.

10

i thought i wanted a career, turned out i just want paychecks

13

I don't like being told what to do unless I'm naked.

45

I either act like I'm forty or four.
There is no inbetween.

7

I don't associate with people who blame the world for their problems, because you're your own problem, and you're also your own solution.

6

Everyone comes with baggage..
find someone
who loves you enough to help you unpack •

21

spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon

70

I want
to have jetlag with you.

27

I'm not heartless, I've just learned how to use my heart less.

26

You're the only one I'd write to from prison.

23

My local Supermarket uses 4 checkouts.

Unless it's really busy then they use 1.

19

i'm not crazy.

i prefer the term mentally hilarious.

42

Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.

42

Cell phones ruined the fun from pushing a fully clothed person into the pool.

53

Make the party worth the hangover

121

My goal for 2014 is to accomplish the goals of 2013 which I should've done in 2012 because I promised them in 2011 and planned in 2010.

139

I put redbull in my coffee this morning instead of water.
And now I can see noises.

77

All you need is
love,

all you want is
sex...

All you have is
porn!

48

out of all the lies i've told, 'just kidding!' is my favourite.

94

When a man says you're ugly, he's just being mean. When a woman says you're ugly, she's just jealous. When a child says you're ugly, you're ugly.

139

Being famous on Instagram is like being rich on Monopoly.

121

I need more drinks and less light.

52

Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while you are waiting.

134

my selfie's are better than mirrors

5

A selfie a day keeps the friends away

7

FLY LIKE AN EAGLE.

FUCK LIKE A RABBIT.

1

drinking rum before 10a.m. makes you a pirate NOT an alcoholic.

2

Sometimes I use big words I don't always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

92

I'm so clever that sometimes i don't even understand a single word of what i'm saying.

5

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air-freshener.

85

it's true alcohol kills people. but how many are born because of it?

17

Halloween:
When nerds dress as superheroes and sluts pretend to be wearing a costume.

27

I just took a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

271

others have sex in the kitchen, I eat in bed

367

I just awesomed all over the place.

317

When a man says you're ugly, he's just being mean. When a woman says you're ugly, she's just jealous. When a child says you're ugly, you're ugly.

34

Sex with you is so good that we should celebrate it by having sex.

24

FUCK STRESS
HAVE SEX

36

Why do we fall in love so easy, even when it's not right?

32

sex without love is better than no sex at all...

40

Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?

50

men were born between a womans legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them. theres no place like home.

12

you can learn a lot about
a woman by getting smashed with her.

4

i belive that marriage isn't between a man and a woman; but between love and love.

14

most woman desire
someone who makes them laught and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

13

i don't get drunk -
i get awsome!

9

in wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

15

the problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubt, while the stupid people are full of confidence.

49

if i worked at a restaurant on valentines day i would put a fake engagement ring every girls drink.

25

every
guy wants
to date a model, until they date
a model!

15

according to this BMI-chart, i am too short.

24

computer games don't affect kids, i mean if pac man affected us kids, we'd all be running around darkened rooms munching magic pills, listening to repetitive electronic music.

33

a fact of life:
after monday and tuesday even the calender says W T F.....

139

i never finish
anythi

28

always trust people who like big butts.

they can not lie.

65

don't play hard to get, play hard to forget.

36

Who needs April Fools when your entire life is a joke.

22

i love you with all my butt, i would say heart, but my butt is bigger.

32

each day is a gift. i'd like to know where i can return mondays!

20

i want to be the one in your mind and your bed.

but i don't want you to fuck the whole world to find out.

19

i don't have a dirty mind, i have a sexy imagination.

35

most people want a perfect relationship, well, no one's perfect.

i just want a
burger that looks like the ones
in commercials.

19

I don't make mistakes,
I date them.

13

good looks are a bonus, humor is a must.

26

never make permanent decisions on temporary feelings.

25

it's a fine
line between tan, and looking like you rolled in doritos.

15

Say exactly what you mean if you want to be understood.

17

90% of my socks are single, and you don't see them crying about it

148

dont have phone sex you will get hearing aids

58

Let's play
"Your clothes don't like you."

80

the brain is the most important human organ, it works 24/7/365.
from the beginning of your life till the moment you fall in love...

157

Can't Stop Drinking About You

95

Shy on the streets, sexy in the sheets.

90

Oh, you're dating my ex?

Cool, I'm eating a sandwich.
Want those leftovers too?

75

I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I'm someones double vodka!

108

STOP PRESSING REPLAY ON THE THINGS THAT NEED TO BE DELETED FROM YOUR LIFE

140

home is where the pants aren't

52

when I see you I feel scared to touch you, when I touch you I feel scared to kiss you,
when I kiss you I feel scared to hug you,
when I hug you I feel scared to love you,
when I love you I feel scared to lose you ....

121

Sometimes I think I like being sad.
There's something about that aching emptiness that intrigues me...

47

my ex has one very annoying habit.

breathing.

96

They asked me for drugs, so I told them about your smile.

119

ALCOHOL DOESN'T CAUSE HANGOVERS WAKING UP DOES

76

a relationship without trust is like a phone without service

what do you do with a phone without service? you play games

138

The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons
and morons.

89

Men who say women belong in the kitchen obviously dont know what to do with them in the bedroom.

100

Chocolate solves everything...

Except obesity.

52

If time is all I had, I'd waste it all on you.

86

Being honest may not get you a lot of friends but it'll always get you the right ones
-John Lennon

117

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

104

what if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in spanish

92

IMAGINE

If trees gave off WiFi
signals, we would be
planting so many trees
and we'd probably
save the planet too!

Too bad they only
produce the oxygen
we breathe.

97

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