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Posts Liked by johanne379

Sitting in a bar having drinks with a friend...
I casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said " That's us in ten years".

He said "That's a mirror, dipshit!"

47

FUCK YOU, and the horse you rode in on...

no wait, not the horse, the horse is cool.

15

i'm sweating like a pregnant nun in confession •

14

People say it's lonely at the top

It's lonely at the bottom, too

48

My worst fear is laughing at a joke I don't understand and having someone ask me to explain it.

44

Somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a gap of information.

45

"Beauty sleep" is such bullshit. I sleep like 12 hours a day and still look like a trashcan.

56

I wake up with a good attitude every day.

Then idiots happen.

42

"every time i look at you i get a fierce desire to be
ALONE"

12

you are the
tree standing
in the middle
of a hurricane
with both middle
fingers up in the air.

10

So , you wanna go back to my place?

I dunno. Will two people fit under a rock?

10

life hack:

when nothing goes right,
go to bed

49

I don't do drugs or drink.

At my age, I get the same effect just standing up too fast.

56

What do people do with all the extra time they save by texting "K" instead of "OK"?

36

Don't
set yourself on fire
just to
keep others warm

89

hangman teaches us a lot.

it teaches you that by saying the wrong things you could end someones life.

52

When a guy calls you hot he's looking at your body.
When a guy calls you pretty he's look at your face.
When a guy calls you beautiful he's looking at your heart.

All three guys still want to fuck you though.

68

and if I could tell you one thing it would be:

you are never as broken as you think you are.

sure, you have a couple of scars, and a couple of bad memories,

but then again
all great heroes do

35

WHAT
HAPPENS
UNDER
THE
CHRISTMAS
TREE

STAYS
UNDER
THE
CHRISTMAS
TREE

28

Let's get drunk
and tell each other how
we really feel •

67

That moment between Netflix episodes where you see your reflection on the black screen and wonder what the fuck you're doing with your life

13

Step right up everyone!!! I've got "fuck you's" and
"fuck off's" and
"go fuck yourselves" drastically reduced!!! FOR FREE!!! There's enough fuckery here for everyfuckingbody!!!

16

my world is all black and grey now

13

I like people the way I like my tea.

I hate tea.

1

I'm not a princess, I don't need saving!

I'm a queen, I got this shit handled!

7

The truth is, airports have seen more sincere kisses than wedding halls.
The walls of hospitals have heard more whispers of prayers than churches.

13

If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

14

a lot of adults make fun of our generation but sometimes they forget that they're the ones who raised it

19

If bitches could fly, my school would be a fucking airport

48

I didn't fall.

The floor just needed a hug.

47

They asked me for drugs, so I told them about your smile.

77

Life is no fairy tale, when you lose a shoe at midnight, you are not a princess but simply drunk!

7

F*ck this world,
I'm going to wonderland!

35

My love is like a candle.

If you forget me, I'll burn your house down.

136

I tripped and fell in love.

Don't worry, I brushed that shit off.

53

I love waving at random people, because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.

310

"Homosexuality is unnatural.." says this book, where snakes talk, apples set an eternal curse, people come back from the dead, a guy walks on water, and a virgin has a baby!

74

It's no secret.
It's just not your business.

50

Selfie is the proof that smartphone and internet have made people so alone that they don't find a friend who can take a pic.

250

Write like youre clinging to the edge of a cliff, white knuckles, on your last breath, and youve got just one last thing to say, like youre a bird flying over us and you can see everything, and please, for Gods sake, tell us something that will save us from ourselves.

12

If I had 24 hours to live...

Ah, fuck it. I'd probably just sit and eat chicken from a bucket.

168

Two helium atoms were acting funny

HeHe

70

Smile -
it confuses people.

51

If you watched the story of my life backwards, you'd see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss & vastly improved athletic ability.

26

Me: Hey my friend changed all my contact names, can you tell me who you are?

Person: What does it say?
Me: Bitch

Person: Oh wow...And btw it Caroline, your ex

Me: Oh, Guess he didn't change this one

21

She always had that about her, that look of otherness,
of eyes that see things much too far, and of
thoughts that wander
off the edge of the
world.

19

- Do you want to?
Do YOU want to?-
- I asked you, first.
Oh... Yeah.-
-Yeah?
Yeah, you asked me -
first.
- Oh. Yeah.
Yeah?-
- Yeah.

20

I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up and if that doesn't accurately describe my life I dont know what does.

41

Error:

first kiss was not found, please try again later.

33

I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU

-Floor

51

Although I might be laughing loud and hearty deep inside I'm blue.

So take a good look at my face you'll see my smile looks just out of place.

If you look closer, it's easy to trace the tracks of my tears.

27

is it cold in here or is that just my heart?

32

im jealous of people who have cute laughs and fast metabolisms and good hair and can just make any outfit look good and get along with everyone and are great at sports and do well in school bc none of that is me

16

for halloween this year we should all just dress up as who we really are

nobody would recognize anyone

211

Whenever I delete an app on my phone,
the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed •

583

It's hard to find a friend who's cute, loving, generous, sexy, caring and smart.
My advice to you all is, don't lose me.

51

who needs halloween costumes when everyone is already fake as fuck?

50

some of you guys should dress up like real men for halloween because you've been acting like bitches all year long

35

I regret some of the things I said last night......

I came up with way better insults this morning

84

Every woman deserves a man, that see's her crying and immediately asks

"Whoose ass are we kicking today, Baby?"

6

act like a princess, think like a boss

1

I close my eyes, and I can see a better day, I close my eyes, and I pray

2

I haven't met Mr. Right, but I have met...

Mr. Player
Mr. Dumbass
Mr. Liar
Mr. Asshole
and
Mr. Douchebag

31

It is a beautiful day!
That is why I am leaving the windows open while I stay in bed and read.

34

Stop waiting for Prince Charming.
Get up and go look for him.
The poor idiot could be stuck in a tree or something.

5

I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

3

I'm not saying i'm Batman...

I'm just saying ~

Nobody has ever seen me and Batman in the same room together...

7

Boyz are evil...

Throw stuff at them ! ! !

3

Sometimes... When you give up on someone, its not because you don't care anymore, its because you realize they don't.

5

Roses are red, here's something new. Violets are violet, not fucking blue

66

people often ask me why I'm so shy

actually I'm not shy

but my mom told me if I don't have anything nice to say I better say nothing at all

42

I don't know what's
worse; being the
one to cut the rope,
or being the one to

fall.

24

the colour of your eyes is my new favorite colour

42

Every mother on earth gave birth to a child.

Except my mom, she gave birth to a princess.

47

Don't fill me up with love, if you don't plan to be with me..
don't make me fall for you, if you plan to just let me hit the floor •

37

no matter what you say, people will still think something about you.

41

when life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people's eyes

42

got a masters degree in being ignored

24

Can't get out of bed.

Send help....,
or waffles.

Just send waffles.

247

FB (facebook)
+
I (instagram)
=
FBI (database)

83

I love finding money in my clothes.
It's like a gift from me to me.

123

I love listening to lies when I know the truth...

226

I like those guests who ask me: 'Do you have a toilet?'

No, no, I shit in the corridor!

30

You remind me of my big toe, cause i'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own

273

Sometimes I feel useless but then
I remember
I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.

394

some of the best moments in life are the ones you can't tell anyone about

160

there's a little truth behind every
"just kidding"
a little curiosity behind every
"just wondering"
a little knowledge behind every
"i don't know"
and a little emotion behind every
"i don't care"

129

WANTED:
Guy who is...

- hot
- intelligent
- classy
- rich
- has to be totally in love with me
- exist

48

"Women are made to be loved,not understood."

~ Oscar wilde

149

BY THE WAY,
I'M WEARING
THE SMILE
YOU GAVE ME.

220

I tripped and fell in love.

Don't worry, I brushed that shit off.

409

Do not fall in love with people like me. I will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth. And when I leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people.

58

I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod - my shadow does that much better

•Plutarch

23

WOW!
That's a lovely shade of BITCH you're wearing today!

15

Balloons are so weird...

"Happy birthday, here is a plastic sack of my breath."

44

I whisper "what the fuck"
to myself at least 20 times a day.

52

Well...
I just added another one to the "What the fuck was I thinking?" list.

40

The downside to having a good sense of humour and being able to laugh at yourself, is that people think you can't be hurt.

86

Sun goes down earlier for short people.

279

*
LIFE HAS NO
REMOTE.
GET UP AND
CHANGE IT
YOURSELF.

128

The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.

823

life is what happens when you put your phone down.

928

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