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Posts Liked by jessrideout98

Expect nothing.
Appreciate everything.

75

got fired from fashion police for saying everyone looks nice

54

I miss the way shit used to be.

62

If you've had sex with less than 12 people, people that have had sex with you belong to a more exclusive club than those who have walked on the moon.

54

Trying to understand the behaviour of some people is like trying to smell the colour 9.

66

There's a reason a necktie resemble a noose...

Fuck the corporate world

3

I whisper "WTF" lot's of times every day.

4

No trees were killed to send this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced

76

LIFE
AND
OTHER NECESSITIES...

48

fear hides within the shadows of hate.

71

"DUDE SHE JUST CALLED YOU FAT."

" OOH HELL NO.!

HOLD MY CAKE.!

7

Everything's gonna be okay.
ish.

26

My favourite soap opera is Facebook

5

That moment when your shampoo says "to fix damage" but after the shower your feelings are still broke.

66

I didn't say "I love you" to hear it back, I said it to make sure you knew!!

2

If i'd have known the freedom in letting go,
I would never have held on...

83

i feel bad for wanting to be hot in a fake, self-destructive way but not bad enough to stop trying

52

I'm not pregnant but I'm eating for two, me and my inner bitch.

She likes tacos.

95

Mi papá tiene 47 años.
= My dad is 47 years old.

Mi papa tiene 47 anos.
= My potato has
47 assholes.

I love Spanish!

121

happiness sometimes sneaks in through a door you did not know you left open...

95

Studies suggest that sitting in a chair all day is bad for your health so I told my boss I want a hammock.

35

Kanye's ego and Kim's ass, gosh they must be living in a big house...

17

If you see me eating a salad in a restaurant, I've been kidnapped and I am trying to signal you!

131

I can't be the only one who's ever wanted to jump in a taxi and shout:

"Follow that car!"

102

ONLY CAPS LOCK CAN CAPTURE THE GREATNESS OF LIFE

24

ONLY CAPS LOCK CAN CAPTURE THE GREATNESS OF LIFE

56

I'm thankful that most of you seem to live far away because a lot of you look like you smell funny

8

If you stand close enough, you can feel the sexual tension between me and your burrito.

14

If you're easy to get . . .

You'll be easy to forget . . .

123

I’m starting to think I’m white enough to play Michael Jackson.

61

I don't have a Welcome mat because I'm not a fucking liar.

18

Love is unconditional. Love is, "I know you're a fucking psycho maniac, but I'm willing to deal with that."

117

Too many are lost
in the social atmosphere that surrounds them. Hold onto your conciousness it does exist and you alone are its source.

74

Can't,
busy doing anything else.

11

ALL WE EVER WANTED WAS EVERYTHING. ALL WE EVER GOT WAS COLD.

65

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever tried.

28

I hate when you open the fridge and can't find what you were looking for.

Like happiness and perfect abs.

87

Even if there was no gravity on earth, I'd still fall for you.

59

Even if there was no gravity on earth, I'd still fall for you.

117

Dear feelings,

I will not ignore you because without you I'd feel dead.

81

this
is
worth
six
fucking
words

41

The war on drugs brought in more drugs.
The war on terror created more terrorists.
Maybe next year we can have a war on money and jobs and see where it goes . . .

114

You better hope that Santa doesn't see your browser history

31

It's not what's under the Christmas tree that matters,

it's who's around it.

95

Merry drunk!
Who's Christmas?

24

We are all a work in progress. Those who quit should worry.

86

stats show that the average person has sex 89 times a year. looks like i'm in store for a wild December !

89

Put some glitter on your empathy
and let it shine.

26

404

Fortune not found

18

Less is only more where more is no food.

10

When you have more than you need build a bigger table - not a higher fence.

141

I'm going to have to science the shit out of this

61

I am the sinner
I am the saint
I am the butcher
I am restraint
I am the tyrant
I am enslaven
I am the migrant
I am the haven

74

Liberté, égalité, fraternité,
Fuck terrorism

142

Even if your not successful in life, you are guaranteed to get two certificates.

86

You're so perfect. Hold my brain while I fuck this up

-Me

14

If sex, shots, or sleep can't solve it, you have a fucking problem.

182

Holy fuck, where did that come from?

16

To all the kids trapped in grown-up bodies:

Come out. Let's play!

28

I never
run late, because fuck running.

20

I get far too little credit for all the things I don't say.

132

I used to think you were my happily ever after, but now I've realized that you were only my once upon a time.

121

Life is too ironic to fully understand.
It takes sadness to know what happiness is. Noise to appreciate silence and absence to value presence.

147

The only thing worse than being blind is having sight, but lacking vision.

104

Don't act like you don't evaluate how she puts a banana in her mouth.

19

The more your mind is confused, the more you should listen to your heart.

173

Yesterday I lost a good friend to a tragic accident. They got their finger caught in a wedding ring.

114

I call my wallet a nonprofit organization.

107

you decide whether you're alone or by yourself.

it's just two different places in your head for the same thing.

101

everyone needs a smart assed, sarcastic friend...

i'm so glad i could be of service to you.

5

Italiens don't die.

They just pasta way.

10

He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him and I'll ask him again when he wakes up. ..

157

I can be easily switched on or off...who needs a remote!

56

If you look like your passport photo, the likelihood is that you need the holiday

146

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.

40

Calm down Oreos, I can only eat 26 of you at a time.

17

It's not a walk of shame if you leave with a moonwalk.

191

The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success

213

happimess

177

To Quote Hamlet
Act III, Scene III
Line 87,

"NO"

241

admit it: life didn't fuck you,
it taught you.

160

-

Beware of limbo dancers

10

I don't HAVE to be on top of your inbox...

Missionary will do.

88

It may look like I'm not doing anything, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

5

Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.....apparently "in HD" was not the right answer...

345

I'm multitasking,

I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time

393

When you're distracted by someone, it's easy to fall up the stairs. Yeah.

3

Normal people don't go around destroying other human beings. ..

5

I would not want to be involved in a fight with a person who bleeds every month and still lives.

26

If I marry a Canadian, I've decided that the children will be raised metric.

224

Break rules, not hearts.

410

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