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Posts Liked by gbaumgaertner

my self esteem has two levels :

1. I'm a worthless piece of trash and nobody loves me

2. bow down bitches, the queen is back

63

Manchmal
wenn mir langweilig ist...

...stelle ich mich am Flughafen in den Ankunftsbereich mit einem Schild
"E. SNOWDEN"...

19

Hat jemand die Nummer von
Green Day ?

Hab gehört,
die wollen geweckt werden, wenn der September endet.

32

Ich habe noch nie im Leben einen Sarkasmus vorgetäuscht!

47

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers.

63

Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

70

currently...
I'm fucking busy
-and unfortunately it's not the other way around.

43

Wenn du nach den Sternen greifst, solltest du dir vorher die Achselhaare rasieren.

58

If women ruled this world, there would be no wars.

Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

202

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

57

Things I hate:

1. Writing
2. Irony
3. Lists

40

Don't try to understand women. Women understand women, and they hate each other.

66

Dear Noah,

we could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving 'till 5.

Sincerly,
Unicorns

127

It's better to be late, than to arrive ugly.

449

i am as motivated as the guy who drew the japanese flag.

263

happiness is like peeing in your pants. everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.

168

When a pregnancy test confirms your worst fear: You're just fat.

136

Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 32 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 1. Now close your eyes.

It's dark, isn't it?

109

ich brauche kein auto...

ich geniesse mein leben in vollen zügen.

21

manchmal rufe ich im Meeting einfach "das bringt mich auf eine Idee!", stürme aus dem Raum, fahre nach Hause und lege mich ins Bett

45

resolution

Mein Vorsatz fürs Neue Jahr:
Ich werde nicht mehr
trinken.

aber auch nicht weniger

15

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.

Unless you' re in prison.

76

69% of people find something dirty in
every sentence.

18

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

63

The woman who invented the phrase "all guys are the same" was a Chinese who lost her husband in a crowd in China.

23

Letzte Nacht, gegen 3 Uhr, hat überraschend der Nachbar bei mir geklingelt.
Mir ist vor Schreck fast die Bohrmaschine aus der Hand gefallen.

21

ver_iss dich !

a) m
b) p

21

HOW ABOUT A NICE BIG CUP OF SHUT THE FUCK UP

29

Out of all utensils invented to eat rice with...
How could two sticks win?

33

Veni, vidi, violini.

Ich kam, sah und vergeigte.

51

houston we got a hangover

116

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