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Posts Liked by ftolmie

When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work,
ask him: "Whose?"

~ Don Marquis

3

theres two kinds of busy. you're either busy fixing things or you're busy building things. i prefer the latter.

1

my man boobs are real and they're spectacular!

2

please take everything i say with a ton of salt

1

If you ever win big at a casino never go back. Otherwise you didn't win, you only borrowed.

1

I hope reincarnation is real. I'd live to do this again!

1

To leave a healthy planet for our children, we must first ensure we leave healthy children for our planet.

1

To make her fall in love with me, they told me I had to make her laugh. But every time she laughs, I'm the one who falls in love.

- Tommaso Ferraris

1

I'm planning to change my last name to 'Honeybun', that way every time someone calls my name, I will feel instantly loved.

1

The asshole youth of this generation who do not vote, get the government they deserve.

1

I love you more than "1+1" loves "=2"

1

I'm a victim of "stud shaming". Some people hate me cuz I'm beautiful. Even in person, some people think I've been photo shopped.

1

Twisted minds dysfunction alike.

1

Crazy Confession: I'm the only person EVER, in the history of legal jurisprudence, to be slapped with a class action restraining order.

1

Have I told you lately how much you love me?

1

I'm hungry, does anyone know a great sushi restaurant that's open for breakfast?

1

On facebook, is it wrong that I'm always the first person to 'like' whatever I post?

1

"I truly love you more than anything else in this world"

- just something I whisper to the taxi driver after I pay my cab fare.

1

Silver is the Gold medal for under-achievers

1

Today I aced my professional computer repair certification. The answer to every question was hit "ctrl-alt-del"

1

Last night I had a phone chat with a female friend. She said "Hang on for a sec... I have to remove my cheese string". Who the fuck uses cheese string in a sentence like that??? Misunderstanding ensued and it took us 20 minutes after that to realize we were having 2 seperate conversations. ;)

2

Mother Earth has an immunity to mankind... Its called Climate Change.

2

They can put a man on the moon, so they won't elect Trump.

1

They said, "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life." I know this to be true from personal experience because apparantly 'drinking beer' and 'watching football' just dont seem to be hiring right now.

1

My original thoughts often remain lonely.

1

Children everywhere around the world and all future generations, heed my words: "Live your life in a manner such that you'll never experience online dating".

1

The person who originally coined the phrase, "I know you are, but what am I ?" really helped me confront all the name calling that went on in my household as a child.

1

As a man, I really hate being judged as dumb just because I have big boobs.

1

I never cry when I slice an onion and I feel bad because I know it's only because I lack empathy for the onion... but tomatoes? I collapse to the floor sobbing in total anguish.

1

I'm not saying I have a god complex, but I won't be surprised when I pass on if the Medical Examiner rules my cause of death as:

"To cleanse the sins of Humanity"

2

There are between 3 and 4 thousand characters of 'alphabet' required for chinese literacy. Can you imagine how big their Ouija Boards must be??

1

By not condemning hatred in Virginia, Trump issued a "moral" Presidential Pardon to those who choose to hate.

1

Just because a movie is a comedy doesn't mean it's funny. Just because a man is a President doesn't mean he's a leader.

1

If someone says a lie in the forest and nobody hears them, are their pants still on fire?

1

Mi papá tiene 47 años.
= My dad is 47 years old.

Mi papa tiene 47 anos.
= My potato has
47 assholes.

I love Spanish!

121

You can spend all your time making money, but you can't spend all your money making time.

3

If I were ever blessed with the gift of time travel, it is you my beloved friend, who I wish I could bring with me through all time.

-Fred Tolmie

1

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex. Today I'm wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

86

A Recent Study Has Found That Women Who Carry A little Extra Weight!
Live Longer
Than The Men Who Mention IT ;-)

21

If her bra matches her panties when you take her clothes off, it wasn't you who decided to have sex!

32

Never be afraid to try..
Remember,
Amateurs Built The ARK..,

Professionals
Built
The
TITANIC ..

38

Just because you're
trash doesn't mean you
can't do great things.

It's called garbage can,
not garbage cannot!

34

They should put prizes in tampon boxes, be like "yeah your period sucks but here's 50% off of some ice cream."

36

Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.....apparently "in HD" was not the right answer...

345

I'm not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan woke up on my couch and won't make eye contact with me...

245

If you're in a fairytale and you're a single woman over the age of 35, chances are you're evil.

224

It's Thursday, or as I like to call it:

Day 4 of the hostage situation.

181

Hey, what's the Wi-Fi password?

Idiot, we're at a funeral!

All in one Word?

218

I used to be the kind of guy mums like.

Somehow I've ended up being the kind of guy that likes mums.

116

"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself."

148

I can't wait to hide all the Easter candy for the kids inside my stomach.

156

Dear Sneeze,

If you're going to happen, happen.

Don't put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

251

You are a tornado
with pretty eyes and a heartbeat.

179

It's not a walk of shame if you leave with a moonwalk.

191

I've been considering adopting a pet. I'm a dog person, but because of their highly social nature, dogs require a full commitment. Cats on the other hand only require a quasi-commitment. That makes them the pet world equivalent of a friend with benefits.

1

I have been single for so long that when a woman asks me what's my favourite position, I tell her it's 'crying in the fetal position'

1

I want you to know that I love the third word in this sentence.

179

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I'm very disappointed with all of you.

3

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I'm very disappointed with all of you.

163

Keep trying to raise the bar.
Even when they try to use it, to beat the shit out of you.

161

rap is like scissors it always loses to rock

182

Your ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.

452

Have you ever noticed that a woman's
"be ready in 5 minutes"
and a man's
"be home in 5 minutes"
are exactly the same?

289

The word "Listen" has the same letters as the word "Silent".

"So Shut Up"

249

It's not that diabetes,
heart disease and obesity
runs in your family. It's that no one runs in your
family.

203

That moment between Netflix episodes where you see your reflection on the black screen and wonder what the fuck you're doing with your life

234

Karma means i can rest easy at night knowing all the people i treated badly today had it pretty much coming.

176

Listening to a bird is like listening to a woman.

Nice voice but impossible to understand.

183

It's been almost 3 years since the end of the world in 2012.

152

In 1814 Women had no rights

In 1914 Women fought for some rights

In 2014 Women are always fucking right

222

My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in tampon commercials.

237

Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.

265

You know it's cold out when you fall down and dent the ground with your nipples.

153

I'm opening a gym called "Resolutions". It will have exercise equipment in it for the first two weeks, then it turns into a bar for the rest of the year.

255

Sometimes you have to find the good in goodbye.

369

If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself

491

It's like I'm the only drunk person at this yoga class.

279

Some talk to you in their free time
&
some free time to talk to you

270

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