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Posts Liked by FanaticNoob

I have the body of a 20 year old couch.

109

silent and listen are spelled with the same letters...

163

I'm an animal in bed.

More specifically a koala. I can sleep up to 22 hours a day.

146

It's not a fight and it's not a struggle. It's a mantra, a decision that you repeat over and over. To be better than you were, kinder than you feel, and to love, even when you feel nothing loves you back.

134

If you had a bad day, don't take it out on me.

Unless we're both naked.

115

My therapist told me I was nuts. Or maybe he was just eating nuts.

Squirrels are quite confusing.

74

If you can't do anything about it,
then let it go.

Don't be a prisoner to things you can't change.

32

Glück entsteht durch Aufmerksamkeit in kleinen Dingen, Unglück durch die Vernachlässigung kleiner Dinge.

17

I DONT HAVE TO FLIRT TO SEDUCE YOU WITH MY AWKWARDNESS

21

let's party in the middle of the week coz why not •••

20

After all this time, a touch of you, is still what calms me down fastest.

22

Some decisions take years...but when you finally make and accept them, you wonder- why did this take so long?

37

I don't want you
to not want me.
But, I don't want you
to want me, falsely.

29

It always was.
It still is.

And, it still seems so hard.
And, I still don't know why.

22

Some days aren't worth it, to talk about.

Some people neither.

21

Dont change the way you are just to make somebody happy

11

Some things are so hard to resist.

32

I was so close to sneezing but couldn't.
I get it ladies. I finally get it.

43

Everybody knew it was impossible, untill there came someone along who did'nt know that

39

Ich wurde gestern auf dem Weihnachtsmarkt mit heissem Glühwein getauft.

Auf den Namen:

OHFUCKSORRY

32

As you grow older
your Christmas list gets shorter
because the things
you really want
can't be bougth.

34

mit einem dummen menschen zu streiten, ist wie mit einer taube ein brettspiel zu spielen.

ganz egal, wie gut du spielen kannst, die taube wird einfach alle figuren umschmeissen, mitten auf das brett kacken und herumstolzieren, als hätte sie auch noch gewonnen.

31

people doubt because they'd been betrayed, failed and hurt before but as long as there's a tiny flicker of trust left, it is enough to make them whole again... if not now, maybe someday •••

26

Would you stay with me forever?

22

I forgive people but that doesn't mean I accept their behaviour or trust them.
I forgive them for me, so I can let go and move on with my life.

35

the mind doesn't know what the heart doesn't feel

27

Sleeping alone is a waste of bed.

69

Why do we close our eyes when we cry, kiss or dream?

Because the most beautiful things in life are not seen but felt by the heart.

36

Sometimes people are beautiful, not in their looks or what they say, but in what they are.

26

I don't need an inspirational quote, what I need is a freaking cup of coffee!

70

Be the gift someone is waiting for.

107

I think people need borders and nations only to have reasons for intolerance and arrogance towards other people.

80

I will never be a morning person.

The moon and i are too much in love.

176

life is infinitely stranger than anything which the mind of man could invent.

201

Yeah, I tried to order a burrito at the ATM. So what?

82

I just don't have the energy to shit butterflies and piss rainbows today.

178

Summer is here. I'm so excited. I wet my plants.

125

You don't need a cape to be a hero.

143

You can't start monday if you keep dreaming of your last weekend.

109

middle fingers up if you dont give a fuck

146

I want to write a book that goes down like a shot of flaming absinthe.

98

DIFFICULT ROADS
OFTEN LEAD
TO BEAUTIFUL
DESTINATIONS

213

blood under your nails or it didn't happen

89

your mind needs as much exercise as your body. thats why I think about jogging every day

152

Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don't get. Those who do are smiling right now.

197

Last night I dreamed that there was a room full of people exactly like me!

I hated them all.

112

I draw a line across your back to connect memories. Building bridges between the pain, the joy and the forgotten revelations. Sculpting future dreams from past feelings that were not mine to feel.
You're welcome.

84

I'm at that awkward age where half my friends are in love and having babies and the other half are too drunk to even find their phones.

187

Exercise
Exercis
Exerci
Exerc
Exer
Exe
Ex
Extra fries.

219

"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself."

148

Either I'm in love or i'm in trouble.

178

My body is a temple...

Unfortunately,
I have no respect for religion.

142

your age is the number of times you went around the sun...

232

We all think we're smart
until we try to turn on
someone else's shower.

212

If we all pretend tomorrow is Sunday we might just get away with it.

172

me: you want to change positions tonight?

keith: YEAH!

me: okay you do the dishes and i'll sit on the couch and watch t.v. and fart

keith: HA, you are so not funny.

14

keith: i'd rather see you in this

me: there's nothing there

me: oh wait

me: THAT WAS SMOOTH AS FUCK!

16

I'm not weird, baby.
I happen to have a look of otherness about me that you find menacing.
Don't worry.
It is simply my ability to see beauty beyond your established standards.

14

The first 40 years of childhood are the hardest

19

Why do we only thank people for reposting?
lets start thanking people for liking the post too...^_^

16

you're such a good friend, if we we're in a sinking boat with only one life preserver i would miss you and think about you often.

16

Cigarettes are like squirrels, only dangerous if you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.

17

if there's a reason why
i walk with confidence, it's because my mum told me never to walk with my head down.

17

If you're helping someone and expecting something in return, you're doing business not kindness.

20

We are all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap, just for one person.:P

18

deja poo...

the feeling you get when you've heard this shit before.

20

i wish fire trucks and ambulances played "move bitch, get out of the way" instead of sirens.

18

Her heart looked like any other heart after she was gone
the doctor who held it in his hands ready to transplant it would never know how bruised and battered it was inside,
how many times it had been broken, or why the girl who kept it for the first 17 years gave it away so soon.

17

TxT Messge To Wife

I'm just having a pint with the lad 's if i'm not back in 20mins Read this message
again x

18

ich bin schon viel erwachsener geworden.
ich beende zwar diskussionen immernoch mit ' selber doof' aber ich weine dabei nicht mehr.

33

Your password must contain at least one lie society told you & one dream you gave up for the financial means to survive.

27

...But, everything I am/My whole life/Has been "too long," coming/And "too late," getting there/I even traveled, backwards, to get here/But, I always do, get there/So, if you really want, if you really wish/Just take my hand/There's never* really a "too late," with me.
Just getting there. • apa

22

i'd like to thank my arms who we're always by my side and my neck for keeping my head up.

20

All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately
unrehearsed.

22

keith: did you just fall?

me: no, i attacked the floor.

keith: backwards?

me: i'm fucking talented!

21

There comes a point when you have to realize that you'll never be good enough for some people.
The question is, is that your problem or theirs?

27

$sex is like math, Add a Bed, Subtract the Clothes, spread the leg's and Pray You don 't Multiply !!$

24

today, i sneezed and hit my head on the steering wheel, i managed to honk the horn and the guy next to me couldn't stop laughing.

asshole

23

I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry

I hate the way you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

20

I just can't help it ....
I am even a bad influence to myself!

22

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco

they have concrete walls, years of foods and supplies and best of all the zombies can't get in without a Costco membership card

26

lazy rule:
can't reach it.
don't need it.

25

I'm not a violent person, and I have no time for regrets. But, given my time again, I'd definitely have to punch you.

33

Too bad you don't live closer because there are evil plots to be hatched and twisted deeds to be done.

24

I'm very concerned my responsibilities have been interfering with my drinking.

25

I
may
not
Have
Everything
I
Want..
But
I
Know
I Have Enough of what I need ...

28

Wife says to her husband, "Your boss called today and said you were fired." Husband says, "FUCK HIM!" Wife says, "I already did. You go back to work on Monday."

44

I Don't Mind
Going to work..
But The Eight Hour
wait to go Home is just Bullshit..

44

Live a life you will remember.

47

I like those friend's that you don't have to talk to every day,
But you're still friend's even if you go week's without talking ;-)

80

My best friend can't stop being my best friend, that bitch knows too much.

43

not sure if i need sex, sleep, or to punch somebody in the face.

52

We all do the best we can, within the context of our experiences, up to that point. New experiences challenge us, and change us, and we fuck-up, and/or backslide, many times. But, we can also change-up, discover and become better.

I love that.

41

Isn't it weird how we basically have an endless mental conversation with ourselves?

56

Hey, what's the Wi-Fi password?

Idiot, we're at a funeral!

All in one Word?

54

Why do people say heads up when you should duck?

147

Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.....apparently "in HD" was not the right answer...

345

I'm not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan woke up on my couch and won't make eye contact with me...

245

A piece of my heart breaks whenever your eyes skip over me.

By the time you leave, my heart'll be nothing more than broken shards.

138

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

292

Lust is saturday night; Love is sunday morning.

180

I'M ON THAT NEW DIET WHERE YOU EAT EVERYTHING AND HOPE FOR A BIG MIRACLE.

244

If you ran like your mouth, you'd be in good shape.

177

Inspiration eventually comes to creation.

124

It's Thursday, or as I like to call it:

Day 4 of the hostage situation.

181

may the bridges I burn light the way

205

the only valentine's day cards
I'll accept are credit cards

159

Better grab my dumbrella.

It's really stupid out there today.

294

You two are the most fucked up people I've ever met and I deal with fucked up people for a living.

103

Half of my feelings are doubts about the other half of my feelings.

232

A world

with a little less selfies

and a little more selfless.

244

Noticing how beautiful the city lights are at night while getting chased by the cops.

187

i think therefore

i don't have much in common with a lot of people

236

The Dark Side does NOT have cookies!
But it does have waffles every Tuesday

152

If you have to ask if it's too early to drink wine, you're an amateur and we can't be friends.

189

A world where we are smarter than our phones

182

[o][x][o]
[o][x][o]
[x][o][x]
[x]

50

All problems can be solved with cat videos.

38

You inspire my inner serial killer •

55

Never argue with an idiot.

They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

47

Fuck this. Being a princess is exhausting.

41

So drunk I just tried to plug my milk into the wall because it said 2%

89

Don't mix bad words with a bad mood. You'll have many opportunities to change a mood, but you won't be able to replace words you spoke

44

It's like I'm the only drunk person at this yoga class.

105

if frodo can get the ring to mordor, you can stay at work.

75

You can tell a lot about a womans mood just by her hands.

For example, if she's holding a gun, shes probably angry.

71

Sometimes you have to find the good in goodbye.

369

If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself

491

It's like I'm the only drunk person at this yoga class.

279

They tell me I'm weak, but I am strong. They tell me I'm worthless, but I am loved by many. They tell me I am nothing, but someday I'll be everything to someone.

252

I'm opening a gym called "Resolutions". It will have exercise equipment in it for the first two weeks, then it turns into a bar for the rest of the year.

255

You're as annoying as that app that turns sideways when I lay down.

215

You.
Me.
Bed.
Now.

194

Wow, that was rather inappropriate.

Let's be friends.

193

My biography will be titled "Be Yourself And Other Ways To Stay Single."

269

Find someone who knows you're not perfect but treats you
as if you are.

328

Dear Life

Please stop fucking me in broad daylight.
I would much rather prefer it under the cover of darkness.

yours sincerely
me

173

You know something bad is about to happen when someone says

"Hold my beer and watch this."

214

I don't need much but many beers.

91

I need a hug or 6 shots of vodka.

264

Sometimes I feel useless but then
I remember
I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.

394

I Was Born To Be Awesome, Not Perfect.

338

I had a great time last night...well thats what the police report says.

238

Can't get out of bed.

Send help....,
or waffles.

Just send waffles.

247

A fuck must be earned. I can't go down the street with a bucket of fucks, giving them out to everyone.
If I feel that you've earned it, I will give a fuck.

321

Your ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.

452

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else -

is the greatest accomplishment

277

it's not a Sunday unless you completely waste it then feel really sad around 8pm

337

Potatoes give us french fries and vodka.

It's your move, celery.

231

I never needed you. I wanted you.

There's a difference.

333

CAN I KISS YOU?
BUT REALLY I MEAN CAN I SWAP SPIT WITH YOU AT AN ACUTE ANGLE WHILE DROWNING

94

I heard you should question everything, but why?

176

Life is like a Bollywood movie: colorful, humorous, and usually you have no idea what the fuck is going on.

289

Have you ever noticed that a woman's
"be ready in 5 minutes"
and a man's
"be home in 5 minutes"
are exactly the same?

289

The word "Listen" has the same letters as the word "Silent".

"So Shut Up"

249

your demons and
mine want to have dinner some time.

188

lazy is a very strong word.
i like to call it selective participation.

279

Love is a language spoken by everybody but understood only by the heart.

158

I like people the way I like my tea.

I hate tea.

236

I just arrived at that point of the week where I want it to be friday or go back to bed..

155

If I had 24 hours to live...

Ah, fuck it. I'd probably just sit and eat chicken from a bucket.

168

If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask you to be your default browser, you're brave enough to ask that girl out.

217

Selfie is the proof that smartphone and internet have made people so alone that they don't find a friend who can take a pic.

250

Apple CEO announces he's gay. Samsung CEO announces he's more gay and water resistant.

244

See you all in church.

Just kidding, meet you at the bar.

176

Viele sagen Zürich sei eingebildet, dabei gibt
es die Stadt wirklich.

139

It's not easy being psychic, but I already knew that.

101

goosebumps.

when the soul comes too close to the skin, trying to burst free into the world, either in ecstasy or in fear

148

Thanks for pretending not to see me when I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have.

193

sad people
love the rain
because they are
no longer crying alone

216

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive:

"Hi".

159

I miss you a little... I guess you could say, a little too often, a little too much...

169

Listening to a bird is like listening to a woman.

Nice voice but impossible to understand.

183

do not wear your mistletoe belt buckle to your office christmas party!!

76

Me: I want a magical unicorn for Christmas!

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: OK, I want 5 minutes to myself each day to have my coffee hot and pee in peace.

Santa: What colour unicorn would you like?

185

We have each other and everything else is background noise.

191

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