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Posts Liked by elisalaurin

fantasizing about you was the best fuck I never had

100

I'm not pregnant but I'm eating for two, me and my inner bitch.

She likes tacos.

95

My therapist told me I was nuts. Or maybe he was just eating nuts.

Squirrels are quite confusing.

74

I am under no obligation to make sense to you

110

When there's always the same shit on repeat,

learn the fucking lesson.

132

Love is saying
"I know you're a fucking psycho manic but I'm willing to work
with that."

143

Social Media weather forecast:

We are expecting 2 to 3 feet of drama this evening with bullshit blowing in from all directions

24

The only thing worse than being blind is having sight, but lacking vision.

104

I hate when people say you don't need alcohol to have fun... Well you don't need running shoes to run but it fucking helps.

188

Whatever,
I have boobs.

119

I call my wallet a nonprofit organization.

107

Is "Fuck you" an emotion? Because I feel it all the time.

185

I know there is a special place in hell for me.

It's called a throne.

32

Sometimes I feel useless but then
I remember
I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.

115

My love is like a candle.

If you forget me, I'll burn your house down.

136

Telling a girl to "calm down" is like trying to baptize a cat.

148

'And you'll always love me, won't you?'
'Yes.'
'And the rain won't make any difference?'
'No.'

Ernest Hemingway

30

There are somethings that money just can't buy, like manners, morals and intelligence.
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

29

When you wake
up looking like Rod Stewart, and thank Jesus you sleep alone.

26

I don't make mistakes,
I date them.

172

that awkward moment when I'm drunk
and you're still ugly

125

I wish I had boobs so people would stop making eye contact with me.

146

Ladies, lets take extra long to look stunning for all the guys we'll be ignoring tonight.

137

My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said; "no, we all seem to enjoy it"

367

I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT

250

The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap.

Stay safe, eat cake!

24

Silence is golden but telling people to go fuck themselves is priceless.

23

"I'm a great fucking person so if I cut you off it's only because I love myself too much to be treated less than what I deserve"

26

My doctor told me to watch my drinking so I found a few places with mirrors behind the bar.

46

There comes a point when it's not that you don't care anymore...

you just can't.

26

Short people...
Last to know its raining, first to drown!

34

Vegetarians live up to 9 years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, worthless, baconless years.

58

God gave men a penis and a brain
but unfortunately not enough blood to handle both of them at once!

50

I almost had an "I need a guy moment" but then I was able to get the vodka open.

71

"Cause you never think that the
last time is the last time. You
think there will be more. You think
you have forever, but you don't."

53

You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.

43

"You've got the emotional range of a teaspoon"

9

On a scale of 1 to 10, my patience is at a Fuck You.

36

It may take me longer to get to the top but that's because I'm carrying my self-respect with me.

34

when Thor throws his hammer he's serving justice.

when i throw a hammer they call it anger management issues.

39

they say love is more important than money, but hey, have you ever tried to pay your taxes with a hug?

42

My boss doesn't like the nickname I gave him. It's awful to see Princess Dickhead crying.

201

Twinkle, twinkle little star lead me to the nearest bar!

213

i hate it when people try to make small talk on the lift, "nice weather", "how are you today", "where's your pants"

124

I just knew we'd be friends forever from the moment I discovered that you also have no filter for your bitchy and sarcastic thoughts.

31

we are all
slaves to
things we
choose
freely.

55

i got so drunk last night i walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.

87

I would not want to be involved in a fight with a person who bleeds every month and still lives.

225

Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won't text me back.

47

Sometimes, even I can't tell if I'm being sarcastic or if I'm really just a bitch.

50

You were so attractive until you texted me with your hideous grammar.

81

I will love you until Pi runs
out of decimal places.

60

Where everybody
has a fighting chance.

18

The pain you hold is the love you carry.

22

Let's play the game called:

Will I regret this in the morning?

64

i think therefore

i don't have much in common with a lot of people

236

Some talk to you in their free time
&
some free time to talk to you

270

I'm not creepy enough

So people sit next to me on the bus

54

It's not that diabetes,
heart disease and obesity
runs in your family. It's that no one runs in your
family.

203

Don't be ashamed of who you are.

That's your parents job.

82

I would
rather share
one lifetime
with you

than face
all the ages
of this world
alone

25

Manchmal liegt das Problem darin, dass dein Herz nicht zugeben will, was dein Verstand bereits weiss.

24

I'm not lost. To be lost, you have to know where it is you're supposed to be. And I don't even know that.

30

She isn't resigned to death.
She's just okay dying with her beliefs intact.

24

It's when you feel,

the weight of someone,
who isn't there

pressed against you, at all times.

29

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I'm very disappointed with all of you.

163

Damn girl!
Was your ass forged by Sauron?

'Cause that shit looks precious!

1

I'm a strong,
independent woman.

Until something heavy
needs to be lifted.

41

If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask you to be your default browser, you're brave enough to ask that girl out.

141

You're so fake,
even China denied they made you.

98

And no matter how low I get - there's always this part that wants to stand on a rooftop and call to the stars and tell them about the beauty of some of the souls they've created.

Because they should know.

30

I wanna sit on a rooftop with
someone at 2am staring at the
stars and talking about all the problems we have going on.

28

maybe we're just in love with the idea of being loved

58

The loneliest people are the kindest, the saddest people smile the brightest, the most damaged people are the wisest, All because they do not want to see people suffer the way they do.

74

When things break, it's not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. It's because a little piece gets lost- the two remaining ends couldn't fit together even if they wanted to. The whole shape has changed.

43

R4 is red,
R2 is blue,
If i was the force, i'd be with you!

5

My brain has too many tabs open.

52

Your clothes should be tight enough to show you're a woman, but loose enough to show you're a lady.

41

Summer winds have blown away more trouble than I care to say.

Winter's sting has left me bare, crossed thin ice just to get me here.

Starting fresh, building slow, take my time, cause now I know.

3

i am the architect of my own destruction.

2

Opinions really are
like assholes.
Everyone has one, and I want to see yours.

48

Pick your battles.

You don't have to show up to every argument you're invited to.

26

I can eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit a better argument than that.

52

Wann genau ist aus Sex, Drugs & Rock n Roll eigentlich Laktoseintoleranz, Veganismus & Helene Fischer geworden?

54

I wake up with a good attitude everyday.

Then idiots happen.

60

Self-confidence is the best outfit,
rock it and own it.

39

I can't believe drawing a black line across my eyelids makes me feel 10x prettier.

3

You'd be surprised who doesn't speak to you,
but speaks of you daily.

3

In order for you to insult me,
I would first have to value your opinion

58

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt

~ Mark Twain

57

Life is like a Bollywood movie: colorful, humorous, and usually you have no idea what the fuck is going on.

289

TEQUILA:

Deleting memories since 1762 •

40

It's just me, myselfie*, and I.

20

What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

I don't know. He couldn't open it.

16

I'm kinda nervous about 2014 because
2+0+1+4= 7

...and you know how many nipples Hitler would have if he had 5 more?

Thats right, 7.

54

$80% of the people are not good at math. I guess I belong to the other 25%$

47

A dyslexic man walks into a bra ..

79

It's not the dress that makes you look fat....

... it's the fat!

163

Being single is like being Jewish. it's much cheaper at Christmas time.

17

not single but in love with freedom

126

If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair, you're fooling yourself. That's like expecting the lion not to eat you beacuse you didn't eat him.

103

100% of non-
smokers die too.

213

Perhaps I have a temporary hormonal dysfunction, but you remain an asshole

30

just because it has a famous name next to it, it doesn't mean they said it -Albert Einstein

16

"Women are made to be loved,not understood."

~ Oscar wilde

149

I'm not a princess, I don't need saving!

I'm a queen, I got this shit handled!

64

bitch don't kill my vibe

2

Wow Thanks for giving up on me when i was completely in love with you

6

Suddenly, it's so weird. You go your whole life alone and by yourself and then all of a sudden one mother fucker comes in and suddenly you feel incomplete when they're not around. That's some fucking bullshit.

9

Better to lose a lover than love a loser.

6

You said you'd never want to see me hurt...
Does that mean your eyes were closed when my body was aching and my soul was bleeding?

5

there's no "we" in "food"

29

I'm not anyone's first choice. I'm not anyone's favorite. People may tell me I mean a lot to them and that I'm special to them, but I know there's someone they will always choose over me.

36

Fuck what they say.
Watch what they do.

55

It's about who you miss at 2pm in the afternoon when you're busy, not 2am in the morning when you're lonely.

88

and here he is, 5 time olympic gold medalist and now professional heavyweight champion of the world in arseholeism

3

You are a piece of shit. Wait! No that is offensive for shit.

2

'what are you twelve?'

yeah on a scale of one to ten bitch.

6

A fuck must be earned. I can't go down the street with a bucket of fucks, giving them out to everyone.
If I feel that you've earned it, I will give a fuck.

321

Your ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.

452

I never needed you. I wanted you.

There's a difference.

333

Potatoes give us french fries and vodka.

It's your move, celery.

231

Sun goes down earlier for short people.

279

Try to be less of a fucking piece of shit than you were yesterday.

- Buddha

295

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

459

I love waving at random people, because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.

310

it's not a Sunday unless you completely waste it then feel really sad around 8pm

337

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